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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I can’t take her anywhere

211 replies

Heyupeasterbunny · 04/04/2021 15:53

My toddler Dd-2, 8.
Had a lovely start to the morning, Easter egg hunt with another couple friends and their toddler Ds. All going ok but towards the end, she was acting like a spoilt brat, snatching hitting, all ending in a complete meltdown where I had to physically restrain her and take her to the car 😪she was tired and it had been a busy morning, but this is the second time it’s happened with our friends, never did when she was little. Felt so embarrassed but also sad for my Dd as she was just so out of control. She’s a very sweet girl generally when not overtired but this behaviour wasn’t acceptable. Worried for when she starts nursery and if she’ll be ‘That’ child. No idea where I’m going wrong, I’m an early years teacher but a Sahm with her at the moment, she’s really bright and definitely has character, but this morning just left me feeling humiliated and sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
Heyupeasterbunny · 04/04/2021 16:25

@BlankTimes Thank you, that’s v useful, it was definitely a complete overwhelm, I felt so bad for her but also couldn’t control her, it was pretty awful

OP posts:
Scissor · 04/04/2021 16:26

I always found that the moment we got to issue number 3 was the time to go home.

It never improved after that.

1x rude + 2x snatch = home.

Same when they're older as well at parties etc.

Best care to you it's tough.

Crappyfridays7 · 04/04/2021 16:27

Sometimes when you miss the overtired cues that’s what happens. Watch carefully for them when she’s overtired in future, you can then leave or deal with your daughter before she flips out. It happens. I have a 9 year old I do this with as he has asd and If I don’t step in when he’s showing signs he’s overwhelmed or overstimulated then I will pay for it. It’s best to step in before that happens but I’ve had years to learn his signs it’s hard work sometimes. Not saying your daughter is asd but it’s a similar idea. Prevents the behaviour or stops it until she’s home and you can manage it in the house or get her down for a nap. I’ve got 4 kids op, you’re not alone at all, don’t worry about it.

sleepyhead · 04/04/2021 16:28

Ds2 could get a bit like this which was a big shock to us after amiable, easy-going, ultra flexible ds1.

There was nothing wrong with him (or us), he just sometimes found very busy days, especially if they were out of his normal routine quite challenging and that would lead to him acting up.

We found that it was best if we limited to one exciting thing a day and made sure ds2 knew what was going to happen, who would be there, what our expectations of his behaviour were (e.g. sharing the eggs), and if things went tits up were ready to just give it up as a bad job and head home.

He became far more flexible as he grew older and there were no problems with him at nursery.

Original poster
Heyupeasterbunny · 04/04/2021 16:29

@Fembot123 Yes last year when we went out with these fiends, my friends Ds was a little like this and she always said my Dd was calm etc. The last few months, Dd has changed

OP posts:
Millymomooo · 04/04/2021 16:30

I can remember those days with my daughter, sorry to disappoint you but the 3 s were worse than the 2s, well with my daughter it was. I remember her having tantrums when we were out and about and she used to take her clothes off. I really didn’t bother what anyone else thought. She’s 9 now, happy and no more tantrums lol

Snowpaw · 04/04/2021 16:30

I think the situation is relevant here - toddlers finding lots of chocolate which is usually (presumably) something they only have occasionally and in small controlled amounts. They have to deal with the excitement of that, plus it’s tiring, plus it’s something they don’t do everyday so they don’t know the expected routine / how it works, plus having to share this excitement with another child when that skill isn’t quite developed fully at that age. Toddlers are hard to manage at the best of times and have poor impulse control. I wouldn’t call her a spoilt brat, rather an overwhelmed toddler whose parent perhaps missed the cues that it was all getting a bit much for her. They can only handle so much at that age.

weightedblanketlove · 04/04/2021 16:33

@Heyupeasterbunny Not bashing you at all, we are all trying our best.

I missed the tired cues today and had to carry my 3yo and their bike home sobbing they were so tired.

Lots of good advice on the thread from @MaLarkinn and @scissor

Definitely good to practice before birthday parties hit Grin

Original poster
Heyupeasterbunny · 04/04/2021 16:34

@weightedblanketlove We’ve not had play dates for almost a year so I’ve not really been able to observe others kids. Not sure why I felt so embarrassed 🤷🏻‍♀️It was just a pretty crazy situation, carrying a screaming toddler who was hitting me to our car, away from a beach picnic and then not being able to get her in the car seat as she was so out of control. It wasn’t a nice situation! I wasn’t harsh on her, I was silent and calm whilst she shouted and tried to hit me. I was calm until she came around and eventually fell asleep and is still asleep next to me now. It’s always been tricky with sleep, she never wants to sleep and is very hard to try to get down, then days worth seems to build up and we get to this point, I expect now she’ll be up until 10 tonight as is still sleeping

OP posts:
Fembot123 · 04/04/2021 16:34

[quote Heyupeasterbunny]@Fembot123 Yes last year when we went out with these fiends, my friends Ds was a little like this and she always said my Dd was calm etc. The last few months, Dd has changed[/quote]
Ahh I see, all the more evidence that it’s just a phase. If I were your friend I wouldn’t judge you at all, toddlers can be total despots. I think people would only judge those not giving reprimands etc which you did. No one can ‘control’ a toddler in full flow of a tantrum, you can’t reason with them.

SionnachGlic · 04/04/2021 16:37

OP

It's not rudeness...it being completely overwhelmed & loss of control. You need to train yourself to pick up on the warning signs & say your Goodbyes. Maybe let her have a little snooze before you leave home or en route...or just time these meetups at a time that fits her routine.

She'll grow out of it in time...

Original poster
Heyupeasterbunny · 04/04/2021 16:41

@SionnachGlic You’re right, I did notice but didn’t want to leave too soon (well I wanted to get out of there personally as was starting to feel uncomfortable) but our friends had prepared the picnic etc etc and we hadn’t been there long.
I know in my heart she basically just needs more sleep, but how 🤷🏻‍♀️It’s so hard to get her to sleep. She’s asleep now still and I’m worried for bedtime later, should I wake her or just let her sleep? It’s always been our issue

OP posts:
Scissor · 04/04/2021 16:42

Aw thank you @weightedblanketlove

Everything built in now stands you in excellent stead for teenage years when they just start doing all the same again.

My eldest threw a suitcase at me in Kings Cross age 18 when we'd had a wonderful weekend away in Paris.

On reflection she was very overtired, had been very excited for 3 solid days and 20 minutes before had said she was hungry. As near to zero reaction as possible and a small fortune spent in M&S Food Hall and peace was restored.

They don't change much just improve stamina as so many wise people have said.

viques · 04/04/2021 16:42

Terrible twos.They get very frustrated because their communication skills aren’t wonderful, they are aware of the world and want to be part of it, they have mobility so think they can , but they are still little so still get very tired and grouchy. It’s a perfect storm waiting to happen and it happens.

Lorieandrews · 04/04/2021 16:48

Sharing is actually a very hard concept to grasp. They don’t get it really till after the age of 6.

What I’d do is take her completely out of the situation the moment it starts to show. Take her out and explain that her behaviour isn’t acceptable and that to help you’re going to go have a quiet 5 mins and when she’s calmed down she can go back

Rinse and repeat. Every time she starts again. Take her out. She’ll soon start to realise that when that behaviour happens. She’s taken out. If she’s as bright as you say it shouldn’t take long. It doesn’t have to be nasty. Doesn’t have to be mean. Just quiet and calm at all times.

tiredybear · 04/04/2021 16:50

Young child has meltdown as over tired and out of routine? hardly breaking news and certainly nothing to worry about! Give yourself a break!

Children that young have no impulse control and any human when they are overtired are, well, awful.

Maybe her advanced language skills are making you forget just how little she is.

Sleep is very hard to control, keep to a good routine and she'll settle down eventually.

Well done for staying calm.

Lorieandrews · 04/04/2021 16:52

I never let mine sleep unless I felt they really needed it

Routine and very strong boundaries are needed at this time. Not strict. But strong. The exact same boundaries every single time. Toddlers although are now at the age of testing boundaries. They need strong rules. Bedtime is get routine. Dinner. Bath. Read a book and lay in the dark.

Toddlers thrive on routine I feel.

Pbbananabagel · 04/04/2021 16:55

Check out biglittlefeelings on Instagram- they’re a pair of friends that include a child psychologist and they do a lot of stuff on meltdowns- their approach is really different and makes a lot of sense, definitely helps to understand their POV and where the meltdown is coming from at the very least.

FishWithoutABike · 04/04/2021 16:56

She hasn’t had to deal with sharing others toys and play dates in a year. She won’t even remember it.
It was too much and she had a melt down. Completely normal.

ancientgran · 04/04/2021 17:00

@Scissor

Aw thank you *@weightedblanketlove*

Everything built in now stands you in excellent stead for teenage years when they just start doing all the same again.

My eldest threw a suitcase at me in Kings Cross age 18 when we'd had a wonderful weekend away in Paris.

On reflection she was very overtired, had been very excited for 3 solid days and 20 minutes before had said she was hungry. As near to zero reaction as possible and a small fortune spent in M&S Food Hall and peace was restored.

They don't change much just improve stamina as so many wise people have said.

Tantrums and being out of control at 2 is one thing but an 18 year old throwing things at you? I didn't think mine were angels (probably because they weren't) but there would be consequences for that. For a start off there would be no more nice weekends away.
AmyDudley · 04/04/2021 17:02

Sounds like a hugely overwhelming day for her - being with other adults and toddlers, hunting eggs, chocolate - all pretty exciting. And she probably got exhausted.

I often wonder why adults seem to think kids should be able to cope with getting over tired. When we get tired we go to bed or rest, we don't usually get forced into social activities, and if we do it's often a real struggle to remain functional, and polite when all you want to do is flake out. But children who don't have the emotional maturity to express their tiredness, or the physical freedom to address it or excuse them selves are greeted with crossness and questions about 'not being normal'.

She sound totally normal. 2 year olds often go through a hitting or biting or being rough stage, they learn not to by being corrected when they do it and by gaining experience in social situations and by maturing so they can be reasoned with. The current group of toddlers will probably have less social experience because of lockdown - so they may actually struggle a little more socially than an average toddler in normal times.

She's gone to sleep now - that's your answer - she was so tired she couldn't be reasoned with until she managed to fall asleep. I just think being that tired and being expected to behave 'nicely' and function sensibly must be totally overwhelming for toddlers. I would struggle with it as an adult.

Workinghardeveryday · 04/04/2021 17:02

My now 15 year old was the devil child after small amounts of sweets or chocolate. She would scream, make herself sick if that didn’t get the reaction she wanted she would pull her pants down and wee on the carpet!!!
Tiredness was also another trigger.
Try and be really strict with sleep routine, I think she was worn out but over excited at the same time and had a meltdown

GreyhoundG1rl · 04/04/2021 17:02

It is normal, though. And your friend's ds being so "sweet" this morning is a red herring, really. He'll have his moments, too. They all do.

Lorieandrews · 04/04/2021 17:03

Ooh. Yeah. Wouldnt stand for an 18yr old throwing a suitcase at me! The child is 2! Rather a huge difference of altitude. Aptitude. Understanding. Being able to talk etc.

ancientgran · 04/04/2021 17:06

@Lorieandrews

Ooh. Yeah. Wouldnt stand for an 18yr old throwing a suitcase at me! The child is 2! Rather a huge difference of altitude. Aptitude. Understanding. Being able to talk etc.
Shocking if they are NT. I'm trying to think how old mine would have been the last time they threw anything even vaguely in my direction and I honestly can't remember but it would have been pre school age.