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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To watch my friends kids getting fatter and do nothing?

189 replies

SadFriendMeanFriend · 04/04/2021 15:07

Name changed for this as it's hard not to feel like a total cow. As she's such a nice person.

One of my best friends has DC aged 9 and 7 (and also a baby so they don't really count much in this discussion currently)

The older one was always very active and slim until the age of 5/6 typical full of energy boy. But the younger one has always been bigger built.

My friend is quite a fussy eater, her husband especially so (no veg) but he does a very physical job, and they always have lots of sweets and treats.

But the younger child now can't wear normal clothes. Has to buy years bigger just to get things to do up. And only wears stretchy tracksuit bottoms as trousers. And the older has really piled the weight on too.

My friend is also very overweight (also has been a yoyo-er) currently and each year gets bigger. She huffs and puffs now when walking and is only early 30s.

I myself have been overweight most of my life but since having kids have really tried to get on top of it as I was chubby as child and then teen and hated it. So I think I find overweight kids quite triggering.

She was the slim one when we were at school, she didn't gain weight until we were in our 20s, so although her mum says she was the same as a child and its puppy fat, I really can't think it's true.

I've just seen her Instagram from today. The sheer amount of chocolate, eggs, cupcakes, sweets, ice cream, BBQ. For the 4 of them.

It's recently been 2 birthdays and it was exactly the same. End of term. Also the same.

I love her. And I love her kids. But today I just can't "like" that post.

Equally I can't say anything to her about it. I know she must know her kids are overweight and it's due to food. But mine aren't and she will take it as a pure insult and me judging. Which I suppose I am.

Maybe I'm lucky that mine aren't too fussed about sweets in the same way.

I guess there's no answer I can get that will help. Just needed to say something to someone.

I think perhaps she sees how happy the treats make them and just wants to make every occasion that special. Just has really bothered me today for them. My teen years were miserable from bullying and feeling like I couldn't wear nice stuff and I was only a size 12/14.

I just hope they can turn it around somehow.

OP posts:
UhtredRagnarson · 04/04/2021 15:11

You cant say anything. Not unless she brings it up and is actually wanting advice.

Chocolateismakingmefat · 04/04/2021 15:12

Maybe now things have eased you can encourage meeting for outdoor activities that will help...

LonginesPrime · 04/04/2021 15:15

But today I just can't "like" that post.

Just don't, then.

You don't have to agree with everything someone else does - I'm sure there are things you do that she wouldn't do herself!

Jourdain11 · 04/04/2021 15:15

That's tricky - you're lovely for being concerned, but equally, it's hard to approach it without upsetting her!

I wonder if you can initiate some discussions about your own experiences or speaking "generally". Or your cousin's poor son who can't join in with PE now because he's overweight.. that type of thing. I'm sure it is something she's aware of tbh, but having it indirectly pointed out to her might encourage a slight shift in behaviour.

DIshedUp · 04/04/2021 15:17

I think you should butt your nose out tbh. You feel like a cow because starting a MN thread on your friends overweight children, and how much they eat is not a very nice thing to do

Skysblue · 04/04/2021 15:18

That’s so sad. Overeating to the extent that she huffs and puffs while walking is a form of self harm really. And doing it to kids is awful.

I don’t know what you can do. If was me I’d probably pretend I was trying to watch my weight and say stuff about cutting out junk food for the kids etc - but would probably annoy her.
😭

EarringsandLipstick · 04/04/2021 15:20

@DIshedUp

I think you should butt your nose out tbh. You feel like a cow because starting a MN thread on your friends overweight children, and how much they eat is not a very nice thing to do
This is unfair.

OP has explained her motivation - she cares about her friend, and her children. She knows how miserable it is being overweight in her teens & this adds another dimension to it for OP.

The thing is, you can't do anything OP, unless your friend raises or another opportunity presents itself. If you say anything, despite your best intentions, you'll hurt your friend, and risk your friendship altogether.

It is hard tho.

georgarina · 04/04/2021 15:20

I would subtly lead by example - go to the park and bring balls for the kids to kick around, healthy food - and maybe that can shift her perspective a bit from feeling that lots of unhealthy food is the normal way to do things.

Or, if you have kids, talk about how you've signed your kids up for a class like swimming or football and how much they love it, and encourage her to sign hers up too.

joysexreno · 04/04/2021 15:20

It's sad, but there is nothing you can do about this. You're just going to have to accept her as she is or let her go. It is not your responsibility to help her see her (probably disordered) eating

imaginethemdragons · 04/04/2021 15:21

In the nicest way possible, you need to keep your opinions and horrible thoughts to yourself.
YABVVU.
None of your business, nothing to do with you.
Just be a friend.

WindowsSmindows · 04/04/2021 15:21

If your friend was harming her children's health by smoking in their bedrooms and by not making them wear seatbelts in the car, you would say something. But for some reason, shame I suppose, weight is different.
I think maybe just have a conversation with her about your own overweight teen years, and how badly affected you were, in the hopes that this opens up a conversation or starts her thinking about it?

georgarina · 04/04/2021 15:22

*Another thought - if she's got into a rut of being unhealthy and inactive herself, why not go on a health kick and suggest she join you? And the change in attitude might extend to her parenting?

Jourdain11 · 04/04/2021 15:23

@imaginethemdragons

In the nicest way possible, you need to keep your opinions and horrible thoughts to yourself. YABVVU. None of your business, nothing to do with you. Just be a friend.
That's unfair - OP wasn't actually judging or horrible at all!
AvaAvocado · 04/04/2021 15:24

@Chocolateismakingmefat

Maybe now things have eased you can encourage meeting for outdoor activities that will help...

Yes do this, just say that after lockdown you could all do with getting a bit fitter. She may take the hint.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 04/04/2021 15:27

There has been discussion whether morbidly obese children should be taken into care same way like super underfed children would be. It's an actual and real welfare concern you have.

Unfortunately, I don't think there is much you can do. Maybe there will be some advice on nspcc website or similar.

AvaAvocado · 04/04/2021 15:27

In the nicest way possible, you need to keep your opinions and horrible thoughts to yourself

Horrible thoughts? Concern for DC's health is being nasty and horrible now is it?

pasturesgreen · 04/04/2021 15:28

I'd keep my nose out. Not liking the post is obviously fine, but I wouldn't say anything outright as offence is bound to be taken and no good will come of it.

ImAlrightThanx · 04/04/2021 15:28

I like the PPs suggestion- can you try to recruit her as a walking buddy? (saying that you want to get fitter now the weather is nice and you can go out but need company or something). Suggest taking all the kids on a long walk or to the park or something.
Definitely don't make any comment!

amijustparanoidorjuststoned · 04/04/2021 15:28

Hi OP. Whilst it seems like you are a very caring friend who wants to help out, unfortunately YABVU.

I was the fat kid in primary school who will have lifelong issues with food due to my emotionally abusive (and also very overweight) mother. I eventually lost the weight naturally moving in to secondary school but will probably have issues with eating my whole life.

Please don't say anything - you will only make the kids feel worse and encourage them to potentially binge eat in secret.

MalibuandOrange · 04/04/2021 15:29

I wouldn't say anything, that's dangerous territory and you'd end up loosing the relationship. But by all means don't like the post and encourage it.

Passthecake30 · 04/04/2021 15:30

I don’t think I’d say anything tbh, unless she started a conversation about it.

ScottishStardust · 04/04/2021 15:32

Hi OP, I have a very similar situation with one of my close friends. I've decided to stay out of it as it's up to her how she raises her family - likewise I don't want people to interfere how I raise my children etc.

It's tough and it's hard! But like you, I can't like social media posts. I also have other people/friends having passing comments on it as well, but what can you do?

FiveNightsAtMummys · 04/04/2021 15:33

@DIshedUp

I think you should butt your nose out tbh. You feel like a cow because starting a MN thread on your friends overweight children, and how much they eat is not a very nice thing to do
I agree.
Lsquiggles · 04/04/2021 15:34

If you value your friendship I think you'll have to say nothing, even if you do mean well. It will be hard to approach this without insulting her parenting and making her put her guard up

RampantIvy · 04/04/2021 15:35

I know it isnt the OP's business, but she cares, which is why she posted on here. Telling her rudely, to mind her own business isn't helpful. I wonder if some of the defensive answers on here are because the OP has struck a sore point?

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