To watch my friends kids getting fatter and do nothing?

[SadFriendMeanFriend]

Name changed for this as it's hard not to feel like a total cow. As she's such a nice person.

One of my best friends has DC aged 9 and 7 (and also a baby so they don't really count much in this discussion currently)

The older one was always very active and slim until the age of 5/6 typical full of energy boy. But the younger one has always been bigger built.

My friend is quite a fussy eater, her husband especially so (no veg) but he does a very physical job, and they always have lots of sweets and treats.

But the younger child now can't wear normal clothes. Has to buy years bigger just to get things to do up. And only wears stretchy tracksuit bottoms as trousers. And the older has really piled the weight on too.

My friend is also very overweight (also has been a yoyo-er) currently and each year gets bigger. She huffs and puffs now when walking and is only early 30s.

I myself have been overweight most of my life but since having kids have really tried to get on top of it as I was chubby as child and then teen and hated it. So I think I find overweight kids quite triggering.

She was the slim one when we were at school, she didn't gain weight until we were in our 20s, so although her mum says she was the same as a child and its puppy fat, I really can't think it's true.

I've just seen her Instagram from today. The sheer amount of chocolate, eggs, cupcakes, sweets, ice cream, BBQ. For the 4 of them.

It's recently been 2 birthdays and it was exactly the same. End of term. Also the same.

I love her. And I love her kids. But today I just can't "like" that post.

Equally I can't say anything to her about it. I know she must know her kids are overweight and it's due to food. But mine aren't and she will take it as a pure insult and me judging. Which I suppose I am.

Maybe I'm lucky that mine aren't too fussed about sweets in the same way.

I guess there's no answer I can get that will help. Just needed to say something to someone.

I think perhaps she sees how happy the treats make them and just wants to make every occasion that special. Just has really bothered me today for them. My teen years were miserable from bullying and feeling like I couldn't wear nice stuff and I was only a size 12/14.

I just hope they can turn it around somehow.

No don't bring it up. It will ruin your friendship. She will talk to you if she ever wants advice from you about her children's weight.

She won't thank you for discussing their weight negatively.

@SweetPetrichor

I think it should be something that you can raise with SS. I think raising overweight children on a poor diet is abuse, and it’s setting them up for a lifetime of weight issues. It’s such a shame that it’s overlooked.

You want the op to report her friend to ss? Seriously?

Well, surprisingly I think it is something that can be reported to SS since there were children taken for it. But I think that's just extreme cases when they intervene, not just bit overweight.

@gannett do you honestly think worrying about overweight kids is about their appearance? Body positivity is all well and good but not when it leads to complete denial about the fact that being overweight/ obese is incredibly damaging to our health.

@SadFriendMeanFriend OP overweight children make me feel sad. We have lost sight of what a child that's a healthy weight is these days. Yes some children are overweight due to health problems, but that's not the reason for most of them.
I think you're coming from a good place, but you really can't say anything unless you accept that the friendship may not survive.

* If your friend was harming her children's health by smoking in their bedrooms and by not making them wear seatbelts in the car, you would say something. But for some reason, shame I suppose, weight is different.*

^I agree. Unfortunately you can’t say or do anything in this situation. Poor kids, haven’t got a chance have they.

My cousin's kid is overweight. The thing is he looks normal but actually when he was 6 months he was on a high dose steroid and some other strong medication to try to stop epileptic seizures.

Because of this he struggles to move properly which limits his activity, and he has low muscle tone which reduces his metabolic rate. Luckily his development wasn't affected but he did end up texture phobic which limits his diet.

But if you didnt know that then all you'd see is a fat five year old.

Unless you know the ins and outs of their health and life stories since birth, don't judge. My cuz has fielded a lot of concern-troll type shitty comments from friends. Unless they want to pay for him to see a private OT there's little that can be done.

Don’t say anything
She will know
And yes meet for hill walks

@OwlBeThere

It’s not your business. It’s that simple.

Whose business is it then? The mother's? The one who's making her children obese? Who's looking out for the children?

@Meatshake Just to clarify

"Unless you know the ins and outs of their health and life stories since birth, don't judge. My cuz has fielded a lot of concern-troll type shitty comments from friends. Unless they want to pay for him to see a private OT there's little that can be done.*"
*
I do know the ins and out of their whole lives. Since we were teenagers. Through each pregnancy, teething etc etc.

The children have no medical issues to have caused weight gain. My friend has even had blood tests and seen allergists to try and get to the bottom of her own.

Sadly as an outsider I can very much see it. But her and her mum (who is a single mum and was when her and her brothers were growing up) show love with food. Kids deserve treats as that's what children like. So that's just how they show each other love and it's the focal point of any celebration. Be that a birthday or Easter or a Friday.

I don't believe anyone is choosing to make their own children unhealthy. It's all about wanting to make them happy and loved.

I'm sure we all delighted today in giving our kids chocolate. It's lovely seeing their faces light up. I totally get it.

Unless she is registered blind she will know her kids are overweight getting fatter. Just like we know when our kids are growing and have to buy new clothes. Other than make her feel bad I can't see you discussing it with her achieving anything. She has to want to make changes herself and stick to them. Invite them on walks maybe, even just the kids if she's not upto it.

You aren't being horrible at all. But you can't say anything, only hint, lead and help. Suggestions about doing exercise together as fun are good, maybe try to discuss food, not criticism, but invite her round for some of your good food. Try to get her interested. It's a challenge, but if you like her & the family as you say, it's the only thing you can do.

Pps who say that it's not going to help to say anything are probably right, I'm afraid.

I do know what you mean - seeing children gain weight (not through illness or treatment for illness) is really distressing. Some of the children in my children's primary school class started Reception looking like a typical 4 year old, and gradually put on weight so that they ended year 6 very clearly overweight.

Asking them to join you in walks, swimming etc is probably the only 'positive' intervention that you can make.

@SadfrI@SadFriendMeanFriend
Totally agree it's connected with showing love. I have a DS who was pilling it on, loves to eat /; sweet tooth, it's hard to say no sometimes, and I mean to something like a bedtime bowl of Weetabix... which I know is not a good idea!! It's an easy way to feel good as a parent, momentarily. But all the commercial interests in selling crap food to us, it needs to be resisted. T2 Diabetes will cripple the NHS if we don't sort it out. And that's on top of the issues with being overweight as a kid. My DM was overweight as a child in the 50's and she says it made her feel miserable.

@toocold54

There has been discussion whether morbidly obese children should be taken into care same way like super underfed children would be. It's an actual and real welfare concern you have.

The trouble is some people have undiagnosed medical conditions which means they lose or put on weight more than others so I don’t know how many would get unfairly taken or judged because of it.

This is true. A good example here: A little girl is told she has a gene problem. Interesting to note that both the doctor and mother are overweight too. It's a whole society problem as well.

I do think that when the overfeeding is deliberate (even if with good intentions), it's abuse. Support would be better than just taking the children away of course.

" It took my own mum's intervention (she hired a personal trainer once a week for the boys and gave them 'cooking from scratch' lessons herself)."

What a wonderful grandmother.

"The boys' parents were a bit pissed off "

Probably felt ashamed, as they should have done!

@JeanClaudeVanDammit

One in three children in the UK are obese by age 9.

That statistic is horrifying.

Horrifying but not true. 1 in 5 10/11 year olds were obese in 2018. Shocking enough, but not 1 in 3.

I'm afraid it is true. 1 in 5 children overweight or obese by the time they start school and 1 in 3 by the age of 9

@HairyToity

You can't say anything I'm afraid. The best you can do is suggesting meeting up for a walk, and giving your kids a healthy lunch. Maybe the penny will drop.

Yes, because one walk will solve all the problems. 'You can't outrun a bad diet' they say and occasional walks in the park are not going to do anything for people who overeat in an extreme way.

@HeyGirlHeyBoy

True Maray, a dietitian friend said main cause of obesity in the states is fizzy drinks..

The size of their drinks in the States is different and they have free re-fills.

@SchrodingersImmigrant

With that said, obesity is being normalised, what with the "Health at every size" movement which is everywhere right now and I think is a crock of harmful shit.

Should be called "Temporary health at every size"...

I think deep down people know this is shit. Covid made it pretty clear.

"And, you said she and the children are lovely. You can always tell them that, and stop yourself from saying “but...”"

And if the children end up with health problems when they're grown up, is OP going to feel proud that all she said was 'lovely'.

@Anjo2011

Some things are better left unsaid. She wont thank you for it however genuine your concern is.

Yes, from the OP's point of view, saying nothing is safer. But what about the kids?

@Frequentflier

Good god. This is absolutely none of your business. My teens are incredibly underweight- my daughter is 5"7 and only weighs 6 stone. Absolutely sick of people commenting on it and so is she. I know it's not the same thing but it's the same principle. It's not your problem to solve.

I had a friend who was anorexic when I was at school. Her parents got annoyed when school brought it up. What the hell was the school supposed to do? You can't just watch someone destroy themselves and say/do nothing. All I did was lend a friendly ear, but I actually regret not intervening more strongly now. Who cares what her parents would have thought really?

"Unless she is registered blind she will know her kids are overweight getting fatter."

Well, plenty of people are in denial about their own overweight so why not about their children's? We see it on here all the time.

I feel your pain OP- I have very similar happening with a friend of mine (though not as close as your friend). I genuinely think she doesn’t ‘see’ it in her children. We’re really not close enough for me to say anything, and I’m not sure I would if we were. Weight is such a strange issue in our society!

The very least you can do is never to offer your friend's children sweets and perhaps your children not have them in front of her. As for kids deserving treats, they do not have to be sweets and chocolate.