To watch my friends kids getting fatter and do nothing?

[SadFriendMeanFriend]

Name changed for this as it's hard not to feel like a total cow. As she's such a nice person.

One of my best friends has DC aged 9 and 7 (and also a baby so they don't really count much in this discussion currently)

The older one was always very active and slim until the age of 5/6 typical full of energy boy. But the younger one has always been bigger built.

My friend is quite a fussy eater, her husband especially so (no veg) but he does a very physical job, and they always have lots of sweets and treats.

But the younger child now can't wear normal clothes. Has to buy years bigger just to get things to do up. And only wears stretchy tracksuit bottoms as trousers. And the older has really piled the weight on too.

My friend is also very overweight (also has been a yoyo-er) currently and each year gets bigger. She huffs and puffs now when walking and is only early 30s.

I myself have been overweight most of my life but since having kids have really tried to get on top of it as I was chubby as child and then teen and hated it. So I think I find overweight kids quite triggering.

She was the slim one when we were at school, she didn't gain weight until we were in our 20s, so although her mum says she was the same as a child and its puppy fat, I really can't think it's true.

I've just seen her Instagram from today. The sheer amount of chocolate, eggs, cupcakes, sweets, ice cream, BBQ. For the 4 of them.

It's recently been 2 birthdays and it was exactly the same. End of term. Also the same.

I love her. And I love her kids. But today I just can't "like" that post.

Equally I can't say anything to her about it. I know she must know her kids are overweight and it's due to food. But mine aren't and she will take it as a pure insult and me judging. Which I suppose I am.

Maybe I'm lucky that mine aren't too fussed about sweets in the same way.

I guess there's no answer I can get that will help. Just needed to say something to someone.

I think perhaps she sees how happy the treats make them and just wants to make every occasion that special. Just has really bothered me today for them. My teen years were miserable from bullying and feeling like I couldn't wear nice stuff and I was only a size 12/14.

I just hope they can turn it around somehow.

I imagine the answers if children were actually suffering the opposit, were underfed, wore clothes foruch younger ages and so would the mum...
The only difference is that obesity kills slower.

It's sad, it's emotional, but it's bad

All you can do is suggest that as ive all put on weight over lockdown can we all go for a nice twice a week walk/swim/cycle etc when we are allowed. If any of you have put on weight too it will help us all. Exercising with company helps me no end.

If you make it about yourself it seems more acceptable.

And honestly, when you see someone daily you don’t notice it so much. When you see them after a while you do notice things more. So her mum (kids gran) will probably notice the grandkids are getting chubby cheeks and big bellies etc if she doesn’t see them often etc. The mum sees them daily and won’t notice. Perhaps gran will also suggest lockdowns been hard on everyone and we can exercise more soon to get healthy again.

My neighbour said her dd1 said dd2 was fat. She asked me for a second opinion. She didnt think her teen was fat. I couldn’t lie. The girl has belly rolls overhanging her trousers. So I told the truth, gently, that she has put on a bit of weight during these difficult times, but hopefully sensible eating and increased exercise after lockdown will sort it.

@RampantIvy

I know it isnt the OP's business, but she cares, which is why she posted on here. Telling her rudely, to mind her own business isn't helpful. I wonder if some of the defensive answers on here are because the OP has struck a sore point?

Yeah, to be honest she has with me as I stated previously. But mainly because I was the chubby kid who was bullied and judged by everyone.

I appreciate that is quite specific and of course I don't know these kids. I also completely appreciate the concern, But there is nothing you can say other than encouraging them to go for more walks with you or to do more outdoor activities!

Thanks all.

I totally expected and agree with the posters saying I'm a cow.

I feel a terrible friend for even thinking it. Let alone posting online. Hence the name change, detail change etc so she'd never know/see and be hurt.

And I know there's nothing I can say that would be anything other than awfully cruel.

We'd dieted together in the past. But it's always been the same that she will stop or won't do the exercise part and then I feel bad for keeping going and leaving her behind. So I just don't mention my weight/fitness at all as I don't ever want to make her feel a failure or bad mother.

She's lovely. The kids are lovely.

I just care. But you're right. It's not my business. I need to mind my own.

Perhaps picnic season will give us some chances to have them try new foods etc. But even then I'll feel like a dickhead if I pack some super healthy spread.

I'm sure she is aware of the issue but then some kids can eat the same crap and still look thin. Its possible there are other reasons for the weight gain but its not your business so you need to leave it.

One of my ds's was quite chubby as a child but is now a 20 year old and as slim as anything and obsessed with healthy eating and exercise.

I agree with others that you cannot say anything really.

I would mention it gently. Once upon a time, my friends helped me and I find it odd that I should only want to be friends with someone who agrees with me all the time and never points out anything that I might be wrong about.

You’re not a cow.

It’s neglectful and borderline child abusive. As a pp said if she were UNDERfeeding her children people would have plenty to say about it.

You’re not a cow at all. But the conversation is unlikely to end well so I’d probably keep my nose out. She knows what she’s doing is making her kids fat.

@SadFriendMeanFriend

Thanks all.

I totally expected and agree with the posters saying I'm a cow.

I feel a terrible friend for even thinking it. Let alone posting online. Hence the name change, detail change etc so she'd never know/see and be hurt.

And I know there's nothing I can say that would be anything other than awfully cruel.

We'd dieted together in the past. But it's always been the same that she will stop or won't do the exercise part and then I feel bad for keeping going and leaving her behind. So I just don't mention my weight/fitness at all as I don't ever want to make her feel a failure or bad mother.

She's lovely. The kids are lovely.

I just care. But you're right. It's not my business. I need to mind my own.

Perhaps picnic season will give us some chances to have them try new foods etc. But even then I'll feel like a dickhead if I pack some super healthy spread.

OP, I don't think you're horrible at all! It came from a place of caring and concern. It is just a very difficult and sensitive issue to bring up.

However, overfeeding children to a point where it affects their health is a form of neglect or abuse - and that is accepted in social services as a fact. So it's not weird or noisy to be concerned, any more than about another form of neglect or abuse.

You don’t have to like or enable it, but I don’t think you should say anything to her either. If they’re as big as you describe, she knows.

It’s not your business. It’s that simple.

@SadFriendMeanFriend

Thanks all.

I totally expected and agree with the posters saying I'm a cow.

I feel a terrible friend for even thinking it. Let alone posting online. Hence the name change, detail change etc so she'd never know/see and be hurt.

And I know there's nothing I can say that would be anything other than awfully cruel.

We'd dieted together in the past. But it's always been the same that she will stop or won't do the exercise part and then I feel bad for keeping going and leaving her behind. So I just don't mention my weight/fitness at all as I don't ever want to make her feel a failure or bad mother.

She's lovely. The kids are lovely.

I just care. But you're right. It's not my business. I need to mind my own.

Perhaps picnic season will give us some chances to have them try new foods etc. But even then I'll feel like a dickhead if I pack some super healthy spread.

You are not a cow at all. But truthfully it just isn't your place to say anything. Other than "come on gang, why don't we all go swimming?!" or something. x

I get it! My partners kids are the same, they don’t have enthusiasm to do anything either, for example dog walks so me and my partner end up taking it in turns and the other stays home with them. It bugs me because once out then enjoy it and I feel I can’t force them because it isn’t my place.

They also eat really large potions, I’m very active in general life and I exercise most days and they eat more than me at every meal. His 11 year old grew out of her pjs while at her mums for a week so I tried to lend her some while we ordered new and she couldn’t get them up.
We tried to reduce portion sizes but unless it’s done gradually at both houses then it just doesn’t work! When things reopen we plan on booking exciting, active things so they don’t recognise they are doing more - water parks, theme parks etc! Maybe suggest similar things to that?

Caring is fine, but this thread is pretty outing if your friend is on here - how do you think she'd feel if she read this?

@imaginethemdragons

In the nicest way possible, you need to keep your opinions and horrible thoughts to yourself. YABVVU. None of your business, nothing to do with you. Just be a friend.

Why is it a horrible thought?

This is someone she likes making poor choices. If it was smoking round the kids or having pit bulls as pets she might be worried too.

I would just model the right behaviour. Have them over for lunch... prepare a balanced meal and a healthy option pudding and get them running around somehow. Talk about changes youve made thanks to lockdown snd focus on how good food makes you FEEL rather than look... that way it's about you and not them.

@OwlBeThere

It’s not your business. It’s that simple.

OP isn’t going to say anything but would it not be he business if this woman was under feeding her children and they were dangerously thin?

It’s everyone’s business that such a large proportion of children are obese and the extremely negative consequences that has on their health, especially when they’re wholly dependent on their parents who feed them.

It's tricky because you are concerned out of love, but any comment would quite likely be misconstrued. It's been a very difficult year but once normal interactions can resume, the best thing you can do when mixing with her kids is that you and your children model good eating habits eg balanced meals, correct portion size and a normal size treat/pudding.

Whilst there's a few children (and adults) who are larger due to medical reasons, most of us simply eat too much but may not even be aware these days what an appropriate portion is - yes I'm guilty for over eating too

If they’re as big as you describe, she knows.

I'm not sure that is true. How many parents do we hear about who don't believe their DC are overweight/obese when they're weighed at school? I do think some parents are in denial or maybe just can't see it.

If she's a yo-yoer and has dieted in the past, it's not like she doesn't know what's going on. It's the same for many, especially at the moment when there is so little else to do for a treat or to mark an occasion. The whole problem goes way beyond the obvious eat less/move more, from deep psychology to wider society. I don't know what you can do to solve it for someone else, very likely nothing at all, but not 'liking' a social media post is really neither here nor there.

I honestly think letting kids diets be that poor is a form of child abuse just the same as letting them drink or smoke. They’re too young to understand the long term health impacts a crap diet does.

However, it’s impossible to police and ends up in only kids who are overweight being singled out when actually lots of kids have terrible diets and aren’t over weight. An ex friend of mine always fed her DD meals like ‘cocktail sausages and watsits’ loads of fizzy drinks, chocolate... claimed DD was a ‘picky eater’ but in all the time I spent with them (a lot) she never offered her anything healthy and when I offered her it she ate it all this time her DD was heavily medicated for constipation and general digestive issues which my friend was repeatedly told was down to poor diet.

As the parent of a toddler I know they’re fussy and fickle but my ex friend was absolutely doing it for convenience because she wanted to eat crap and it meant not having to buy DD separate food.

I do understand what you are saying and know you’re doing it out of love but as you say you are overweight yourself and it’s often not a simple solution.
You’ve said they eat like that today (Easter) and birthdays - should they bot get treats on those special occasions like everyone else? Is reducing treats too much going to lead to even more food issues?

I think if you are on a health journey to lose weight could you encourage your friend to join in too? Once she knows how to eat healthy (and not crash diet) she will learn how to cook healthier meals for her family and exercise more hopefully.

I judge people for having fat children. I'm fat - I eat healthily in front of my children, prep healthy meals and let them have biscuits at weekends etc I tend to be an evening eater after they are in bed.

I judge a friend who has let her daughter become huge, she just says oow shes just my build. No you let her eat too much crap and drink too many sugary drinks. She thinks its not her fault as her son thin but he plays 2 hours of sport daily, constantly plays out and is naturally small eater.

@SchrodingersImmigrant

There has been discussion whether morbidly obese children should be taken into care same way like super underfed children would be. It's an actual and real welfare concern you have.

Unfortunately, I don't think there is much you can do. Maybe there will be some advice on nspcc website or similar.

You're right. When children are morbidly obese it is actually a safeguarding issue. They are likely to die from overfeeding as much as very underfed child will. It's just that the obese child will take longer to reach that point. It's very sad. Unfortunately as a society, people are still conditioned to see constantly feeding children treats as an act of love. Therein lies the issue. Parents starving their children are being deliberately abusive wheras parents overfeeding actually do it from a place of love, however misplaced. It's about education but as parents of obese children are usually obese themselves where do you start? There's little op can do without offending the friend. It's complex and would take more than suggesting a walk in the park. Even if you spoke really plainly to her op and even lost her as a friend it's unlikely she would change as a result. Such a difficult situation.

No I would never dream of saying anything