To watch my friends kids getting fatter and do nothing?

[SadFriendMeanFriend]

Name changed for this as it's hard not to feel like a total cow. As she's such a nice person.

One of my best friends has DC aged 9 and 7 (and also a baby so they don't really count much in this discussion currently)

The older one was always very active and slim until the age of 5/6 typical full of energy boy. But the younger one has always been bigger built.

My friend is quite a fussy eater, her husband especially so (no veg) but he does a very physical job, and they always have lots of sweets and treats.

But the younger child now can't wear normal clothes. Has to buy years bigger just to get things to do up. And only wears stretchy tracksuit bottoms as trousers. And the older has really piled the weight on too.

My friend is also very overweight (also has been a yoyo-er) currently and each year gets bigger. She huffs and puffs now when walking and is only early 30s.

I myself have been overweight most of my life but since having kids have really tried to get on top of it as I was chubby as child and then teen and hated it. So I think I find overweight kids quite triggering.

She was the slim one when we were at school, she didn't gain weight until we were in our 20s, so although her mum says she was the same as a child and its puppy fat, I really can't think it's true.

I've just seen her Instagram from today. The sheer amount of chocolate, eggs, cupcakes, sweets, ice cream, BBQ. For the 4 of them.

It's recently been 2 birthdays and it was exactly the same. End of term. Also the same.

I love her. And I love her kids. But today I just can't "like" that post.

Equally I can't say anything to her about it. I know she must know her kids are overweight and it's due to food. But mine aren't and she will take it as a pure insult and me judging. Which I suppose I am.

Maybe I'm lucky that mine aren't too fussed about sweets in the same way.

I guess there's no answer I can get that will help. Just needed to say something to someone.

I think perhaps she sees how happy the treats make them and just wants to make every occasion that special. Just has really bothered me today for them. My teen years were miserable from bullying and feeling like I couldn't wear nice stuff and I was only a size 12/14.

I just hope they can turn it around somehow.

I think all you can do is lead by example, she might follow your lead, but It's really up to her. If the children are overweight I'd imagine it will be picked up at school.

Wrt school intervening, I did once regarding a child in my class when I first saw her obsession with food and always wanting more and secondly saw her at swimming lessons, you'd be surprised the difference you see in togs. I put it very diplomatically, told the mum it wasn't my place and she could tell me so and then I told her what I had noticed. She cried with gratitude, said she needed someone outside the family to say something, that her child had equated food with love, portions were massive, she ate when bored etc. Together we came up with a plan of sorts and her dc shed the weight quickly. It's a pity when schools think they can't. No parent wants to do this to their child.

Maray1967 I think there’s an awful lot of denial. Friends talk with pride about kids age 8 who can only wear size 13 clothes because of the size of their bellies.

@DIshedUp

I think you should butt your nose out tbh. You feel like a cow because starting a MN thread on your friends overweight children, and how much they eat is not a very nice thing to do

... and that is EXACTLY why she started the thread. Such a lazy answer. !

Obesity is a problem. (I know only too well . I was lucky enough to have a second chance via Bariatric surgery on the NHS as steroids had made me HUGE.. I will NEVER again go down that road.

The OP is a absolutely right to be worried. Saying nothing makes NOTHING better .

I'll feel like a dickhead if I pack some super healthy spread.

Why?

PS my DC2 now 13 gets through several biscuits a day, cake several times a week etc. He’s not on a sugar/free diet by any means. He is still lovely and slim and although he walks daily he doesn’t do much sport.
But what he doesn’t do is drink added sugar. He drinks water or milk and that is practically all. The occasional black currant juice, maybe once a month. I’m sure that is a big factor.

True Maray, a dietitian friend said main cause of obesity in the states is fizzy drinks..

@QuizzlyBear

I know how you feel, OP - my nephews were vastly overweight by the time they were about 9-10. To the extent that one could only wear adult men's tracksuit bottoms as nothing smaller fit over his thighs or closed at the waist. He was 10 and was covered in actual rolls of fat and large 'breasts' and was mercilessly teased at school. The only reason was his lifestyle and yes, it made me furious that my brother and SIL enabled it.

They were both very overweight themselves, very inactive and big eaters. It took my own mum's intervention (she hired a personal trainer once a week for the boys and gave them 'cooking from scratch' lessons herself). The boys' parents were a bit pissed off at first but it worked, both boys (now 15) are now at a healthy weight, lead active lives and are much more aware of what they put in their bodies.

I can't lie, it drives me a little nuts now to see very overweight children as they don't control their own food intake or exercise level at that age - it's something that's done TO them. In your situation I admit I'd have a frank, but kind conversation with your friend.

It can be upsetting to see beautiful, slim, fit as fleas very young children and you look at the overweight parent/s and overweight older children and you know that those poor children don't stand a chance once they reach a certain age. The bad habits of the family will get them eventually.

YANBU for being concerned. Before the latest lockdown I saw so many overweight families in my local shopping centre feeding their overweight kids (some still in buggies) KFC and McDs and it's so sad to see cause it isn't the kids fault. But at the same time I don't think there is any way you could bring this up without it majorly backfiring. I agree with PPs who suggested that you ask your friend and her kids along to outdoor activities.

One in three children in the UK are obese by age 9.

That statistic is horrifying.

That is horrifying, and very hard to change that as time goes by..

@gluteustothemaximus

One in three children in the UK are obese by age 9.

That statistic is horrifying.

Friend of mine is an endocrine dr

Childhood diabetes due to obesity costs the NHS an excessive amount. Something like 90% is diet related end can be controlled by diet

However many parents don’t see a problem with giving their child cakes. Sweets. You see it here. My child grew out of it. My child eats lots of cakes but is super slim. My child was chubby until they started walking.

He says we’re so used to seeing obese children that seeing a slim one is now a strange sight and one seen that needs intervention. Which is the wrong way round.

I don't think you can say anything. Try and go for walks together when you meet up.

It's horrible watching it happen though. I've seen several kids in the neighbourhood put on a dangerous amount of weight as they've grown up.

It is and, more and more, it seems like sedentary lifestyle must surely have something to do with it! When I was in junior school, late 90s, we had nowhere near the awareness of sugar as there is now. We had a school shop dedicated to he sale of junk food, ha! And it was normal that we'd have sugary dessert with our school meal each day. Yet there were only two overweight kids in my class, and both of those I'd say were chubby rather than obese. Interestingly, one of them I met by chance quite recently and he's now a very healthy-weight adult. Even though we ate junk and stodgy food and sugar galore, most of us were really active and played out in the evenings, etc. I know it is always said that diet is the main thing, but I feel like activity levels must have more to do with it than is acknowledged.

I feel a bit uneasy about this. I kind of think maybe this is the kind of thing perhaps you should be brave and talk honestly to her about. Yes, you risk losing your friendship but maybe it would help and potentially save their kids from endless health issues?

I don't know if my view is skewed because my very overweight relative in his 40s recently died of a heart attack. I regret not trying to talk to him. I will always have in the back of my mind that maybe I could have done something.

Also, I think it's much better to be taught healthy food choices when young than try and re-educate yourself when an adult.

I think its sad to see children fat. I'm sorry, that is just how I feel.

Re the mounds of sugar for treats, this is part of a fairly speedy societal change. It is now all about more more more. Its cheap and readily available. Maybe there is some psychology wrapped up in this.....Look how much we love you.
Things have become so polarised. You are either running furiously or eating thousands and thousands of extra calories.

It's so hard isn't it?

I've been overweight for a few years now but ds is a swimmer so eats loads and was always athletic built and slim.

He's put on a little in lockdown and we've talked about eating what you burn out.
But I know he'll be swimming again next week and it'll go quickly.

But I've also been dieting through calorie control. I've really paid attention to what I'm eating and why I'm eating it.

It's made me look at pictures of the picnics cropping up on FB with different eyes.

I don't judge because I use to be the same. Stupid amounts of crap because it's a picnic 🙈

I think somewhere we have as a society learnt to equate food as a treat and a reward and lost sight of how much crap we are eating.

I think I'd still go mad for a BBQ or party but I'm much more aware of balance.

I think it's ok not to like. Ok not to add a positive comment. But agree with you despite you having the best intentions for their teen years you can't say something.

I have a friend like this too. FB feed at Christmas, Easter, birthdays etc is filled with really excessive displays of mountains of sweets and treats. DC are getting increasingly overweight.

It’s a cultural problem really. She’s posting this stuff on Facebook in an ‘aren’t I such a great mum?’ kind of way - there’s nothing else really where you’d celebrate acting in a ways that is actively harming your DC.

It is really hard - as people have said, anything else people would mention it - FB picture of a kid incorrectly strapped into a car seat or something like that, someone would probably comment. The sensitivity around diet and weight is such it is very hard to do.

I in 3 are obese? Thats crazy.

People have already said many of the things that went through my head when I read your OP, @SadFriend Mean Friend - YANBU, you care, your concerns are legit - BUT. If you think about how people react when members of their own family sit them down and tell them they're concerned for their health because they're obese, or when a mother says to their adult child she's scared that s/he will die before she does because of their weight, then you probably want to reasses the well-meant impulse to talk to your friend about her children. People are more sensitive about their kids than they are their own selves, aren't they? I get the impression you're def. not going to say anything anyway, so my points are pretty moot. With that said, obesity is being normalised, what with the "Health at every size" movement which is everywhere right now and I think is a crock of harmful shit. I feel for you. I sometimes want to say stuff to people I care about, but I know if I did they'd tell me to fuck off, or worse, not want to be my friend. It wouldn't matter that the words came from a place of love - naff expression but it's the only one I can think of right now. Awrabest. x

Sorry, I tried to tag you and effed right up.

My son is too young for this to be a problem yet, but I see the risks. Unhealthy food everywhere.

This year went well, because most of the chocolate was given through an Easter egg hunt - loads of running around to find some small chocolate eggs.

I’ve not read all the comments, maybe this has been suggested: one possible angle could be to say that there’s such a huge backlog of dental visits that you’ve been cutting down on sweet things for your children for their teeth... and then you could segue into the behavioural benefits you see from that, and of course the health and fitness side effect. Just a gentle lead in that leaves the door open for discussion. And of course the dental aspect is genuinely a valid concern for everyone right now!

With that said, obesity is being normalised, what with the "Health at every size" movement which is everywhere right now and I think is a crock of harmful shit.

Should be called "Temporary health at every size"...

She sure knows they are overweight but is probably in denial about the reasons.

You don't say anything to her. It won't end well. And chances are she won't change just because you said something. Diet is a major factor, but there may be other (emotional) reasons they are all piling on the pounds.

I know it's heartbreaking. I have the same issue with my niece. Her mum even blames her for never being full and not wanting anymore food. But reality is they eat crap, high fat and high sugar etc in almost every meal. Sometimes she has two main meals a day. I also think she is an emotional eater already. It's hard but people don't change their habits because a friend said something.

@SchrodingersImmigrant

With that said, obesity is being normalised, what with the "Health at every size" movement which is everywhere right now and I think is a crock of harmful shit.

Should be called "Temporary health at every size"...

Well quite.