To watch my friends kids getting fatter and do nothing?

[SadFriendMeanFriend]

Name changed for this as it's hard not to feel like a total cow. As she's such a nice person.

One of my best friends has DC aged 9 and 7 (and also a baby so they don't really count much in this discussion currently)

The older one was always very active and slim until the age of 5/6 typical full of energy boy. But the younger one has always been bigger built.

My friend is quite a fussy eater, her husband especially so (no veg) but he does a very physical job, and they always have lots of sweets and treats.

But the younger child now can't wear normal clothes. Has to buy years bigger just to get things to do up. And only wears stretchy tracksuit bottoms as trousers. And the older has really piled the weight on too.

My friend is also very overweight (also has been a yoyo-er) currently and each year gets bigger. She huffs and puffs now when walking and is only early 30s.

I myself have been overweight most of my life but since having kids have really tried to get on top of it as I was chubby as child and then teen and hated it. So I think I find overweight kids quite triggering.

She was the slim one when we were at school, she didn't gain weight until we were in our 20s, so although her mum says she was the same as a child and its puppy fat, I really can't think it's true.

I've just seen her Instagram from today. The sheer amount of chocolate, eggs, cupcakes, sweets, ice cream, BBQ. For the 4 of them.

It's recently been 2 birthdays and it was exactly the same. End of term. Also the same.

I love her. And I love her kids. But today I just can't "like" that post.

Equally I can't say anything to her about it. I know she must know her kids are overweight and it's due to food. But mine aren't and she will take it as a pure insult and me judging. Which I suppose I am.

Maybe I'm lucky that mine aren't too fussed about sweets in the same way.

I guess there's no answer I can get that will help. Just needed to say something to someone.

I think perhaps she sees how happy the treats make them and just wants to make every occasion that special. Just has really bothered me today for them. My teen years were miserable from bullying and feeling like I couldn't wear nice stuff and I was only a size 12/14.

I just hope they can turn it around somehow.

Well @Gwenhyfar maybe a school.has a duty of care towards people with eating disorders, IF they have evidence. Though in my case I would show them pix of myself at my daughter's age, also 5"7 and 6 stone, and pictures of my mom, also very thin at that age. I can assure you no one in the family has an eating disorder. Sometimes people's bodies are genetic. I don't think friends have the same duty of care as a school.

I would say something. If she was harming her children by smoking in the house, giving them alcohol etc you would have something to say, or at least I hope so. It is abuse, plain and simple.

Extremely obese children should be taken in to care along with the under-fed children so they can be looked after properly.

It's not about image, it's about mental and physical health of those children and something needs to be done.

some people have low vit d- slow metabolism - its depressing it makes you eat junk -

it causes a cycle - one thing that made a huge difference for me - was realising my gut health needed improving - improve that and not only do i feel healthier - but i have more energy and lose weight (without trying).

People eat crap because it makes them feel better for a short time

@Frequentflier

Good god. This is absolutely none of your business. My teens are incredibly underweight- my daughter is 5"7 and only weighs 6 stone. Absolutely sick of people commenting on it and so is she. I know it's not the same thing but it's the same principle. It's not your problem to solve.

@Frequentflier do you encounter a lot of judgement about your daughter? My DD 15 is 5ft 8 and BMI 16.9, has various health issues often associated with eating disorders (periods stopped, chilblains, low heart rate) and I’m terrified she’s going to be diagnosed with an eating disorder but she eats a lot, and eats with us, and I’m pretty sure she doesn’t have one, but I’m worried they won’t listen to me and will label her. How do you deal with it? Or do you not, as you’re happy she’s ok too?

@MadCattery

I am a practicing Buddhist. The monk from my local center was out with a friend of his, and they saw a woman who was terribly, extremely obese. The friend said “I am going to go tell that woman that she could be healthier if she lost weight” and he stopped her. He told her that the woman already knew she was obese and did not need a stranger to tell her, and confirm it yet again. He suggested that, if she wanted to say anything kind and helpful, to tell the woman that she is beautiful. That is something she might need to hear, perhaps as a first step to believing she is worth the effort to help herself.

You may think you can make suggestions, and it may come from a kind corner of your heart. Ultimately, you found the inspiration to lose weight and work at being healthy, and found it within yourself. Pointing out the obvious isn’t as helpful as positive reinforcements are. And, you said she and the children are lovely. You can always tell them that, and stop yourself from saying “but...”

Great post.

I can understand your concern but it's entirely possible that this will resolve itself organically in time. Sharing your opinion with your friend will only make her feel like crap and probably ruin your relationship.

Fwiw I'm very overweight - a combo of underactive thyroid, MH issues and if I'm honest, really loving my food.

A few years ago when I divorced my XH, my daughter, then aged 12, put on a lot of weight through comfort eating. At 13.5 she was getting on for a woman's size 18 and became v. fed up with not being able to wear the same clothes as her mates, so told me she wanted to start eating healthier and I supported her in this and signed her up for a junior gym membership.

She got down to a healthy size within about 6 months and discovered she loved exercise.

Last year we went through a lot of stuff on top of Covid and her weight ballooned again. In January she got back on the case and has now dropped at least two dress sizes through healthy eating and regular exercise.

I have never nagged or berated her about her size because I knew she would deal with it when she was ready. My own mum has spent her entire life telling me off about my weight because of her own experiences...I had diet books in my bedroom before I was a teen and all it has made me do is over eat as a form of rebellion.

Perhaps your friends kids will also find their own way to healthier lifestyles in time.

YANBU, OP. I’m obese these days and have been a yo-yo dieter all my life. I have Long Covid, which doesn’t help as I’m not able to exercise much, and my MH isn’t good either, having PTSD and I’m on anti depressants.

But my DDs (12 and 9) are not overweight, they’re both slim, healthy and sporty. (Although DD is filling out a bit with her body changing due to puberty, which is good as she was too thin before.)

I’ve never talked about weight, as my DM talked to me too much about it as a child, which left me with serious body issues.

If you have the kind of relationship with her where you can be honest with her and she trusts your judgement, then honestly I would bring up the subject about her DCs’ weight with her.

You're overweight yourself, OP. There's no way that your friend doesn't realise that her children also have a problem, it sounds as if she struggles with her own weight also. Many people have struggled during lockdown.

You say that you're lucky that your children don't eat sweets in the same way. You will sound very smug and will probably offend your friend. She will look at your kids, look at you and will agree that you're lucky. She will feel horribly judged and unless you have RL diplomacy skills, it could affect your friendship.

I'm always dubious when I see threads like these. The OP is never doing anything other than calling attention to it and inviting (by posting) a whole heap of criticism. I imagine that makes some OPs feel very much better about themselves.

Given that there's no easy way of broaching this - and you're not intending to (hence the nice, safe namechange), what are you hoping to get out of this thread exactly?

@Lalliella my friend eat with her family. She just sneaked out to throw up later so they were none the wiser.
She needs to be checked by a gp if she hasn't yet and not just for ed though.

I really like MadCattery and MintyCedric's posts.

@Laliella I don't want to derail the thread, but what does your daughter's GP say about the periods stopping and so on? That sounds a bit worrying. Mine hasn't had any of those symptoms, and she is eating with us all the time, so I am not worried. My DS is also very slim and tall. So was my father. I was absolutely bullied in uni for being too thin, and now I am 11 stone, so none of this lasts...:)
There is a lot of judgement and most ppl think she is dieting, even when she is scoffing icecream in front of them. I wouldn't be happy if my friends commented on her weight.

Anyway, going back to the original thread, I have several friends who are so overweight they huff and puff when they walk. I haven't gently put it to them that they are overweight. Presumably they know. They are not stupid, just overweight.

@gannett

Maybe your friend is raising her children not to be judgmental about other people's appearances? That'd be a success in my eyes regardless of how fat they are.

I love her. And I love her kids. But today I just can't "like" that post.

Pissing myself at the dramatics here. Just don't like the post then! Who cares!

Oh dear, OP hit a nerve did she?

I don’t think the OP is being judgemental and smug here. (There are threads where this is the case.). She and this friend have dieted together in the past, it’s an issue that they both struggle with. So, if she’s capable of being diplomatic about it, then she might be the one person who her friend might be prepared to listen to here.

It’s a minefield, though, so I’m not surprised she’s asking for advice on here.

[quote Frequentflier]@Laliella I don't want to derail the thread, but what does your daughter's GP say about the periods stopping and so on? That sounds a bit worrying. Mine hasn't had any of those symptoms, and she is eating with us all the time, so I am not worried. My DS is also very slim and tall. So was my father. I was absolutely bullied in uni for being too thin, and now I am 11 stone, so none of this lasts...:)
There is a lot of judgement and most ppl think she is dieting, even when she is scoffing icecream in front of them. I wouldn't be happy if my friends commented on her weight.[/quote]
@Frequentflier sorry I am derailing the thread again. She has only had 3 periods, the last one was in June, and has shot up a lot in height recently and got thinner. The GP thinks she is maybe putting her energy into growing and that’s why her periods have stopped but she’s been for a blood test and we’re waiting for the results.

If this is one of your very closest friends and you usually have a "talk about anything" type of friendship then yes I think you should (gently) say something.

I'm thinking of my best friend and if she was in this situation I would say something.

Allowing your DC to become overweight is awful even though I know it's never done with bad intentions. It's potentially setting them up for a lifetime of misery, ill health and in some cases even an early death. Someone saying it in an empathetic, gentle way with genuine concern could be the shock she needs to turn things around.

A very difficult situation - and my opinion only applies if you are really really good friends. If not, then no I wouldn't say it.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

You're overweight yourself, OP. There's no way that your friend doesn't realise that her children also have a problem, it sounds as if she struggles with her own weight also. Many people have struggled during lockdown.

You say that you're lucky that your children don't eat sweets in the same way. You will sound very smug and will probably offend your friend. She will look at your kids, look at you and will agree that you're lucky. She will feel horribly judged and unless you have RL diplomacy skills, it could affect your friendship.

I'm always dubious when I see threads like these. The OP is never doing anything other than calling attention to it and inviting (by posting) a whole heap of criticism. I imagine that makes some OPs feel very much better about themselves.

Given that there's no easy way of broaching this - and you're not intending to (hence the nice, safe namechange), what are you hoping to get out of this thread exactly?

Yes I am overweight. (Size 14 - so I know I need to lose some weight but also I exercise, BP is fine and day to day I make sure to eat healthily.) What I have ensured though - due to my own hang ups, admittedly I'd that my DC aren't and that they have a balanced diet and attitude to food/weight. I never mention mine or anyone else's weight/size/diet in front of them unless it's to comment on what we're eating, why something is healthy etc.

As my mum and aunts and grandmother never stopped talking about their weight and that of others. They were horrified at my "size" as a teen. And it's probably why I had such poor self esteem. (If I see photos of me at that age now it makes me even sadder as I wasn't nearly as big as I thought.)

And I meant I'm lucky that my kids seem to prefer other things to chocolate/sweets so I don't feel like I'm constantly having to say no to them. I imagine that must be hard.

No smugness intended.

I changed names - of course - because I'm not ready/don't know if I could tell my friend my concerns in a way that wouldn't sound like a total insult of her parenting.

I started the post because I struggle with my emotions a lot with overweight children. And for this to be happening with people I'm close to really does concern me. And I guess I was hoping for some sort of miracle answer.

But, I'm not them, all I can do is support in positive ways when I'm with them. We go swimming a lot during normal times, my friend will never come, but I'll start saying about bringing the kids along with us maybe.

@Sunhoop

If this is one of your very closest friends and you usually have a "talk about anything" type of friendship then yes I think you should (gently) say something.

I'm thinking of my best friend and if she was in this situation I would say something.

Allowing your DC to become overweight is awful even though I know it's never done with bad intentions. It's potentially setting them up for a lifetime of misery, ill health and in some cases even an early death. Someone saying it in an empathetic, gentle way with genuine concern could be the shock she needs to turn things around.

A very difficult situation - and my opinion only applies if you are really really good friends. If not, then no I wouldn't say it.

We're very long time friends. But I am quite careful with how I talk to her compared to some other friends who I can be mor frank with.

But her self esteem is so low that I can't see any way to say anything without totally breaking her heart.

But what @MadCattery said I think is so true. And I'll try going forward to really build her up the best I can.

Also will be a balance as I don't want to seem false/OTT.

She's a grown woman. It's up to her what she eats and how she looks. I'm really not too fussed with adults' life choices.

But it really saddens me to see overweight kids.

@Gwenhwyfar

"Unless she is registered blind she will know her kids are overweight getting fatter."

Well, plenty of people are in denial about their own overweight so why not about their children's? We see it on here all the time.

I agree with this. Lots of people are shocked to see a child's ribs, and laugh flippantly about a child needing a larger size- I think what a healthy weight looks like has been really distorted over time.

She's a grown woman. It's up to her what she eats and how she looks. I'm really not too fussed with adults' life choices.

But it really saddens me to see overweight kids.

Exactly OP. From your posts you can tell they come from a place of concern and that you care deeply for your friend and for her children. It's such a hard situation.

@DIshedUp

I think you should butt your nose out tbh. You feel like a cow because starting a MN thread on your friends overweight children, and how much they eat is not a very nice thing to do

This 👆

Really awful thread. This is supposed to be your friend

@Feelinglow8736 get a grip. If her friends child was thin and withering away you’d say something, so why the tunes changed when they’re overweight? Cba with head in the sand people like you

To be fair, she probably has noticed it herself. She wouldn't be oblivious to her own children putting on weight. I'm sure it will be mentioned at the next gp appointmen. It's not really your place to say anything unless she asks for advice. Dont ruin your friendship.

It is totally disingenuous to pretend the woman or children aren’t dangerously obese.

It’s not unkind or nasty to start a thread.

There is a really terrible double think when we think about weight in this country. It is literally in elephant in the room!

How to budge your friend to healthier choices starts with her and her partner as they are creating the culture of food and eating habits in the home.

One of my good friends has gone up a couple of dress sizes this lockdown and her Dd is also quite fat. The Dd was always chubby so I think this is just her genetic disposition. That paired with a total lack of interest in any kind of movement or sport.... it really is a recipe for disaster.