To watch my friends kids getting fatter and do nothing?

[SadFriendMeanFriend]

Name changed for this as it's hard not to feel like a total cow. As she's such a nice person.

One of my best friends has DC aged 9 and 7 (and also a baby so they don't really count much in this discussion currently)

The older one was always very active and slim until the age of 5/6 typical full of energy boy. But the younger one has always been bigger built.

My friend is quite a fussy eater, her husband especially so (no veg) but he does a very physical job, and they always have lots of sweets and treats.

But the younger child now can't wear normal clothes. Has to buy years bigger just to get things to do up. And only wears stretchy tracksuit bottoms as trousers. And the older has really piled the weight on too.

My friend is also very overweight (also has been a yoyo-er) currently and each year gets bigger. She huffs and puffs now when walking and is only early 30s.

I myself have been overweight most of my life but since having kids have really tried to get on top of it as I was chubby as child and then teen and hated it. So I think I find overweight kids quite triggering.

She was the slim one when we were at school, she didn't gain weight until we were in our 20s, so although her mum says she was the same as a child and its puppy fat, I really can't think it's true.

I've just seen her Instagram from today. The sheer amount of chocolate, eggs, cupcakes, sweets, ice cream, BBQ. For the 4 of them.

It's recently been 2 birthdays and it was exactly the same. End of term. Also the same.

I love her. And I love her kids. But today I just can't "like" that post.

Equally I can't say anything to her about it. I know she must know her kids are overweight and it's due to food. But mine aren't and she will take it as a pure insult and me judging. Which I suppose I am.

Maybe I'm lucky that mine aren't too fussed about sweets in the same way.

I guess there's no answer I can get that will help. Just needed to say something to someone.

I think perhaps she sees how happy the treats make them and just wants to make every occasion that special. Just has really bothered me today for them. My teen years were miserable from bullying and feeling like I couldn't wear nice stuff and I was only a size 12/14.

I just hope they can turn it around somehow.

People saying parents do it from love.
Yeah but..... it's easier to say yes, help yourself to a biscuit than to argue the point, it's easier to say he/ she isn't very energetic than to coax them out for a walk, once they are overweight it's probably very difficult to persuade them to go to junior tennis . It also requires you to find the time to fit in getting to the football training.

It’s difficult OP, I don’t there is much you can’t do without her taking offence. I’m a PT and nutritionist. People know they have a problem. Some pay me to help that problem and they still throw the towel in after a week because it’s too hard for them. It’s not the nutrition that’s too hard, the habits they’ve formed over a lifetime are too easy to continue with. It can be frustrated but people have to want to change. One of my clients has a friend who is morbidly obese and has a daughter who is 11 stone at 8 years old. Ever since she started with me the friend has rubbished everything I’ve taught my client despite my client losing 2 stone so far and still eating 5 meals a day. Some people just can’t bear to be proven wrong because it shows where they are actually going wrong and they can’t face it.

Lallielia it's great that your GP has run blood tests on your dd. An absence of periods, low heart rate and very cold extremities are concerning symptoms which need to be investigated.

It genuinely saddens me to see obese kids, especially young ones. Setting them up for a lifetime of health problems and dieting before they're old enough to make their own informed choices.

@Skysblue

That’s so sad. Overeating to the extent that she huffs and puffs while walking is a form of self harm really. And doing it to kids is awful.

I don’t know what you can do. If was me I’d probably pretend I was trying to watch my weight and say stuff about cutting out junk food for the kids etc - but would probably annoy her.
😭

I agree. It's not just awful for the kids - it's a form of maltreatment to stuff them full of junk food so that they too, inevitably, end up huffing and puffing around when they are barely adults.

@UhtredRagnarson

You cant say anything. Not unless she brings it up and is actually wanting advice.

This.

Keep you mouth shut and I say that in the nicest way. Just forget about it and don’t let it bother you. Focus on the friendship.

I have had a friend who constantly complained about their weight, would call me for tearful chats about how they hated their body and how they'd noticed their kids were fat and their energy levels low and I would patiently go through their latest diet idea with them and they'd be all motivated. Hours later, there would be a Facebook post of something like "Movie night and munch!" And there would be a picture of a big greasy pizza, bags of chocolates and tubes of Pringles. Then within days i would have another tearful call about how much they hated their body and their kids were getting fat.....

In the end, I got so pissed off with it I started saying to them that they needed to be honest with themselves about what they were eating and how much activity they were doing and encouraging their kids to do- and maybe get the treats and takeaway night down to once a month instead of three times a week. Nothing changed. I put the phone down after another draining call to see a post had gone up WHILE SHE WAS ON THE PHONE TO ME, with huge bowls of icecream and sauce, captioned "all about to dive into this!" and said "I hope you're not going to be calling me tomorrow, yet again moaning at me that you don't know why you're not losing weight! It's obvious why not and if you really want to get a handle on your family's health, you'll listen when people try to help you!"

They called me an unsupportive jealous bitch and blocked me. Haven't spoken to me since. Had loads of messages from their family telling me I'm horrible and have made their relative depressed. But they were tagged recently in a photo by one of our old neighbours, captioned "treats for sticking to the whole week. Lockdown gains have to go!" Hashtagged with popular diet plan. Each were holding a huge Easter egg, and scoffing a massive brownie with a cream egg half on it.
Former friend is bigger than ever and I'm not surprised. Was upset to see their kids in the background of the photo looking equally gigantic.

I wouldn't say anything because even trying to help repeatedly did nothing, and eventually calling them out on their unhealthy behaviour led to me being the bad one.

It's difficult, I have a friend with very over weight children, she acknowledges it a little but can't see it in all the of them. I don't mention it although will point out some things occasionally, like they children bet free school meals, occasionally go to a after school thing where they get food and desert and then she takes them home and feeds them a cooked tea, I pointed out that that was a lot and she agreed and hadn't thought of it before. She said she was cooking tea and I said I thought they had tea at the thing, and she said, oh they had pasta but it wasn't a huge serving, I pointed out what they had eaten all day and she agreed, she decided to just give toast on those nights. But I never mention their weights.

We did once also mention my children, I said one had lost weight which was good as he's now on the 50th for weight, she said oh, he's tiny you don't need to worry, and I pointed out he was actually a bit overweight at the 75th previously (he has autism and other learning disabilities and he sensory seeks by eating so it can be hard to manage), but in comparison to her children he does look slim, he doesn't have any noticeable puppy fat at all, but he is well covered! My children are all different shapes and sizes, my eldest is below the 9th percentile for height and weight.

So i mention things but never directly comment on her children's weight and size. It's not my business and our school seem to have a majority of children who are overweight unfortunately which probably normalises it.

@Frequentflier

Well *@Gwenhyfar* maybe a school.has a duty of care towards people with eating disorders, IF they have evidence. Though in my case I would show them pix of myself at my daughter's age, also 5"7 and 6 stone, and pictures of my mom, also very thin at that age. I can assure you no one in the family has an eating disorder. Sometimes people's bodies are genetic. I don't think friends have the same duty of care as a school.

I'm not sure how you can have evidence. We knew she had it. I don't think we could have gone to her GP to get her medical records to 'prove' it. So yes, the school was right to intervene.

In the case of overweight children, it seems that schools don't intervene except in extreme cases so who should be intervening in cases like this? And please don't say nobody because that's not a satisfactory answer for everyone.

satisfactory answer for *children

Thanks for starting this thread OP, it's really hit home. I've just weighed and measured both DC and whilst they are both in the healthy range bmi wise (30th and 50th centile) I know I've been letting them eat too many treat foods this past year as there isn't much else to treat them with in the current climate. Treats have become almost daily rather than once or twice weekly. I don't want to cause them health issues in future as I am overweight myself, albeit only just due to recent 4 stone weight loss. I'm going to gradually swap some treats to healthier snacks over the next few weeks to get them back to their pre-covid diet.

Good for you @ItWasTheBestOfTimes.
We can all do with a kick up the backside sometimes.

No excuse at all for over weight children,its shocking abuse by the parents feeding the kids rubbish all the time,like seriously wise up and cook your family a proper dinner spud,veg meat and it will be a lot handier to cook than that other tripe.Bring them for a walk,a cycle,play ball whatever just get moving and guess what you'll feel so much better at the end of the day,actually the more you move the more energy you have

SadFriendMeanFriend Bit late to the conversation here but I wanted to say that you sound like a really caring, friend. It's clear that your concern is coming from a good place.

I really love and agree with MadCattery's comment. I wanted to add that your friend - when she is ready, when she is feeling brave, she will come to you. She needs to arrive at that place where she acknowledges that she needs help, and is willing to ask for it. Pointing out what she already knows won't lead her to that conclusion any faster, and it will likely push her away. Tell her she is beautiful, and no more. When she is ready, she will ask for help. That's when your advice and support is appropriate.