To watch my friends kids getting fatter and do nothing?

[SadFriendMeanFriend]

Name changed for this as it's hard not to feel like a total cow. As she's such a nice person.

One of my best friends has DC aged 9 and 7 (and also a baby so they don't really count much in this discussion currently)

The older one was always very active and slim until the age of 5/6 typical full of energy boy. But the younger one has always been bigger built.

My friend is quite a fussy eater, her husband especially so (no veg) but he does a very physical job, and they always have lots of sweets and treats.

But the younger child now can't wear normal clothes. Has to buy years bigger just to get things to do up. And only wears stretchy tracksuit bottoms as trousers. And the older has really piled the weight on too.

My friend is also very overweight (also has been a yoyo-er) currently and each year gets bigger. She huffs and puffs now when walking and is only early 30s.

I myself have been overweight most of my life but since having kids have really tried to get on top of it as I was chubby as child and then teen and hated it. So I think I find overweight kids quite triggering.

She was the slim one when we were at school, she didn't gain weight until we were in our 20s, so although her mum says she was the same as a child and its puppy fat, I really can't think it's true.

I've just seen her Instagram from today. The sheer amount of chocolate, eggs, cupcakes, sweets, ice cream, BBQ. For the 4 of them.

It's recently been 2 birthdays and it was exactly the same. End of term. Also the same.

I love her. And I love her kids. But today I just can't "like" that post.

Equally I can't say anything to her about it. I know she must know her kids are overweight and it's due to food. But mine aren't and she will take it as a pure insult and me judging. Which I suppose I am.

Maybe I'm lucky that mine aren't too fussed about sweets in the same way.

I guess there's no answer I can get that will help. Just needed to say something to someone.

I think perhaps she sees how happy the treats make them and just wants to make every occasion that special. Just has really bothered me today for them. My teen years were miserable from bullying and feeling like I couldn't wear nice stuff and I was only a size 12/14.

I just hope they can turn it around somehow.

@user47000000000

You’re not a cow.

It’s neglectful and borderline child abusive. As a pp said if she were UNDERfeeding her children people would have plenty to say about it.

You’re not a cow at all. But the conversation is unlikely to end well so I’d probably keep my nose out. She knows what she’s doing is making her kids fat.

This.

I have friends whose children are quite fat. It's awful to see. And it's setting them up for a lifetime of weight-related health issues, because it's harder to maintain a healthy weight as an adult if you were a fat child.

@Libelula21

My son is too young for this to be a problem yet, but I see the risks. Unhealthy food everywhere.

This year went well, because most of the chocolate was given through an Easter egg hunt - loads of running around to find some small chocolate eggs.

I’ve not read all the comments, maybe this has been suggested: one possible angle could be to say that there’s such a huge backlog of dental visits that you’ve been cutting down on sweet things for your children for their teeth... and then you could segue into the behavioural benefits you see from that, and of course the health and fitness side effect. Just a gentle lead in that leaves the door open for discussion. And of course the dental aspect is genuinely a valid concern for everyone right now!

Girl my child went to school with aged 6 had to have 9 baby teeth taken out

Mum kept saying but she rarely had sweets. We allow her a few on a Friday

I saw her two weeks after the operation to have alllll those teeth taken out with a HUGE bag of sweets. Some 15-20 lots of sweets from the shop?!?

Yeah....right

Same things. People surprise the truth for themselves really. Otherwise they’d feel guilt over it.

It was 100% parents fault child had 8 teeth out

I am a practicing Buddhist. The monk from my local center was out with a friend of his, and they saw a woman who was terribly, extremely obese. The friend said “I am going to go tell that woman that she could be healthier if she lost weight” and he stopped her. He told her that the woman already knew she was obese and did not need a stranger to tell her, and confirm it yet again. He suggested that, if she wanted to say anything kind and helpful, to tell the woman that she is beautiful. That is something she might need to hear, perhaps as a first step to believing she is worth the effort to help herself.

You may think you can make suggestions, and it may come from a kind corner of your heart. Ultimately, you found the inspiration to lose weight and work at being healthy, and found it within yourself. Pointing out the obvious isn’t as helpful as positive reinforcements are. And, you said she and the children are lovely. You can always tell them that, and stop yourself from saying “but...”

Maybe your friend is raising her children not to be judgmental about other people's appearances? That'd be a success in my eyes regardless of how fat they are.

I love her. And I love her kids. But today I just can't "like" that post.

Pissing myself at the dramatics here. Just don't like the post then! Who cares!

If your concern was genuine you would just ask for advice.
Instead you’ve chosen to tell us your friend used to be slim when you weren’t and is now overweight. You tell us you are ‘lucky’ your kids don’t like sweets- it sounds really smug tbh
Also you are projecting your feelings about your own life as a teen onto her young kids
Mind your own business, you don’t sound like a good friend

Maybe your friend is raising her children not to be judgmental about other people's appearances?

She is also raising them to early death but fine.

Obesity is NOT just about appearances.

People think its OK to tell you that your kids are skinny but not to hear your kids are fat. If you didn't feed your kids enough it's abuse and it's abuse to let them get really fat.

The op is clearly not interested in the appearance of the child but concerned for their health. Unfortunately they will also get horrible comments from some peers, which is an added negative for them, obviously undeserved but unfortunately it happens.

@gannett

Maybe your friend is raising her children not to be judgmental about other people's appearances? That'd be a success in my eyes regardless of how fat they are.

I love her. And I love her kids. But today I just can't "like" that post.

Pissing myself at the dramatics here. Just don't like the post then! Who cares!

But it's not just about appearance is it. It is unhealthy to be overweight, the extra strain on your body and organs regardless of how much fruit and veg you eat or exercise you do is undeniable.

I'm not sure what you can do OP, apart from encourage them to join you in exercise and offer then healthy food when in your company. But it is incredibly sad, as your friend is storing up so many problems for the future.

Somebody I knew had weight problems from his early teens.

As an adult he still lived at home and his mother used to regularly serve unhealthy food at mealtimes and buy cream cakes and other "treats". The weight piled on, causing all sorts of health issues.

He died just before Christmas at the age of 48. He was so obese the Fire Brigade had to come to lift him out of the house.

Some things are better left unsaid. She wont thank you for it however genuine your concern is.

Yes I know what you mean OP as I am in a similar situation.
I do think that very overweight children should be monitored by social services and more to be done to get them down to a healthy size.
If a parent was smoking in the car with a child it’s illegal or under feeding would also be picked up

@Grapewrath

If your concern was genuine you would just ask for advice. Instead you’ve chosen to tell us your friend used to be slim when you weren’t and is now overweight. You tell us you are ‘lucky’ your kids don’t like sweets- it sounds really smug tbh Also you are projecting your feelings about your own life as a teen onto her young kids Mind your own business, you don’t sound like a good friend

A good friend isn’t just there to be a yes man / woman and please all the time with compliments. A good friend recognises when a person is in danger or on a wrong path and talks to them about it

@MadCattery

I am a practicing Buddhist. The monk from my local center was out with a friend of his, and they saw a woman who was terribly, extremely obese. The friend said “I am going to go tell that woman that she could be healthier if she lost weight” and he stopped her. He told her that the woman already knew she was obese and did not need a stranger to tell her, and confirm it yet again. He suggested that, if she wanted to say anything kind and helpful, to tell the woman that she is beautiful. That is something she might need to hear, perhaps as a first step to believing she is worth the effort to help herself.

You may think you can make suggestions, and it may come from a kind corner of your heart. Ultimately, you found the inspiration to lose weight and work at being healthy, and found it within yourself. Pointing out the obvious isn’t as helpful as positive reinforcements are. And, you said she and the children are lovely. You can always tell them that, and stop yourself from saying “but...”

Gosh this is amazing.

Thanks so much.

You're so right. The reason I managed to turn my health and weight around was through love for myself and realising I deserved it.

This has given me a real way forward with my friend for future conversations.

She will always bring up how much she hates how she looks/won't be in photos/needs to lose weight - I of course always say the classic stuff "it's a hard time at the moment. You'll get healthy when you're ready. Etc"

Next time I can take my reply in a totally different direction. Maybe it'll trigger a real positive movement within her. (& then onwards to the rest of the family)

I’m afraid you need to stay out of it. Any comments you make will not be taken kindly. My guess is she knows, and when she’s ready she’ll deal with it. If she talks to you about it, that’s the time to make suggestions.

Good god. This is absolutely none of your business. My teens are incredibly underweight- my daughter is 5"7 and only weighs 6 stone. Absolutely sick of people commenting on it and so is she. I know it's not the same thing but it's the same principle. It's not your problem to solve.

That's lovely. I lost a stone last year and a friend, who is tiny herself and can be pass remarkable, said she never noticed any gain and I always looked great. Meant so much. Good luck op.

I dont think OP is trying to solve a problem.She cares for her friend and children.Perhaps she just wanted to voice her worries.

@imaginethemdragons

In the nicest way possible, you need to keep your opinions and horrible thoughts to yourself. YABVVU. None of your business, nothing to do with you. Just be a friend.

There was nothing horrible about the OP's post, @imaginethemdragons

We are a family that goes slightly overboard on occasions as we have a relative who is a pastry chef and so things go quite ridiculous. With lockdown I found the kids were beginning to get a bit bigger and so we decided every night we'd play an active game as well as shoving them out during the day. Are your children close in age to hers? Could you continually text things like 'kids out hitting tennis ball around all day, are wrecked, or played long jump for nearly an hour with the kids, I'm not able for this, kids had the best time etc?' Because the more activity the less sitting about eating etc. And it's all bloody hard and especially in covid I think we just feel they deserve more.

I think it should be something that you can raise with SS. I think raising overweight children on a poor diet is abuse, and it’s setting them up for a lifetime of weight issues. It’s such a shame that it’s overlooked.

@MadCattery What a nice thoughtful post.
OP say nothing, most DC have put on lots of weight with activities cancelled, we are all the maker of our downfalls, hearing a friends uninvited opinion even with the right intentions causes hurt.

One in three children in the UK are obese by age 9.

That statistic is horrifying.

Horrifying but not true. 1 in 5 10/11 year olds were obese in 2018. Shocking enough, but not 1 in 3.

I have a friend with 5 kids and 4 are obese ranging from 19 down to 6

She's very picky is veggie but there's loads she won't eat normally veggies do and the kids are picky too and she literally feeds them all to keep them quiet and their table manners are shocking to the point we never (pre-covid) agreed to meeting up for lunch as it repulsed me

It's ironic as she is very slim can't work it out really?

I am overweight and as a result I'm conscious to make sure my child has healthy eating habits, unlike my own. Not every overweight parent will have overweight children.
My friends children are overweight and seem to eat a fair bit of junk, chocolate spread on toast as a, regular breakfast for example as opposed to whole cereals. It makes me feel bad for them, because I don't want them growing up like me. But like @SadFriendMeanFriend feels it's very hard to know what to do or say as surely their parents aren't blind and can see the extra weight on their kids, perhaps they just don't care?