To watch my friends kids getting fatter and do nothing?

[SadFriendMeanFriend]

Name changed for this as it's hard not to feel like a total cow. As she's such a nice person.

One of my best friends has DC aged 9 and 7 (and also a baby so they don't really count much in this discussion currently)

The older one was always very active and slim until the age of 5/6 typical full of energy boy. But the younger one has always been bigger built.

My friend is quite a fussy eater, her husband especially so (no veg) but he does a very physical job, and they always have lots of sweets and treats.

But the younger child now can't wear normal clothes. Has to buy years bigger just to get things to do up. And only wears stretchy tracksuit bottoms as trousers. And the older has really piled the weight on too.

My friend is also very overweight (also has been a yoyo-er) currently and each year gets bigger. She huffs and puffs now when walking and is only early 30s.

I myself have been overweight most of my life but since having kids have really tried to get on top of it as I was chubby as child and then teen and hated it. So I think I find overweight kids quite triggering.

She was the slim one when we were at school, she didn't gain weight until we were in our 20s, so although her mum says she was the same as a child and its puppy fat, I really can't think it's true.

I've just seen her Instagram from today. The sheer amount of chocolate, eggs, cupcakes, sweets, ice cream, BBQ. For the 4 of them.

It's recently been 2 birthdays and it was exactly the same. End of term. Also the same.

I love her. And I love her kids. But today I just can't "like" that post.

Equally I can't say anything to her about it. I know she must know her kids are overweight and it's due to food. But mine aren't and she will take it as a pure insult and me judging. Which I suppose I am.

Maybe I'm lucky that mine aren't too fussed about sweets in the same way.

I guess there's no answer I can get that will help. Just needed to say something to someone.

I think perhaps she sees how happy the treats make them and just wants to make every occasion that special. Just has really bothered me today for them. My teen years were miserable from bullying and feeling like I couldn't wear nice stuff and I was only a size 12/14.

I just hope they can turn it around somehow.

There has been discussion whether morbidly obese children should be taken into care same way like super underfed children would be. It's an actual and real welfare concern you have.

The trouble is some people have undiagnosed medical conditions which means they lose or put on weight more than others so I don’t know how many would get unfairly taken or judged because of it.

Tricky situation, not much you can realistically do, I think it's cruel though to overfeed children and to set them up for a life of struggling with their weight due to the habits picked up when young (health conditions aside). I also disagree that everyone knows how overweight they are.

It is sad, and there is nothing you can do. It's a big issue generally, I read somewhere that a third of kids are overweight.

My DS late primary and I to the first few years at secondary would get chubby, then grow in height and he’d be slimmer and it went on and on Kind of a puppy fat phase

I think it's a bit judgemental to criticise what someone eats on a special occasion like Easter lots of slim people have a big feast and allow their children plenty of Easter eggs. Every day eating and activity is what can cause weight gain. I wouldn't say anything directly but might talk about what I planned to do to keep my own kids fit and healthy but only in a friendly way not lecturing her.

@toocold54

There has been discussion whether morbidly obese children should be taken into care same way like super underfed children would be. It's an actual and real welfare concern you have.

The trouble is some people have undiagnosed medical conditions which means they lose or put on weight more than others so I don’t know how many would get unfairly taken or judged because of it.

I assume investigation ia done in these cases. Looking at google children were actually taken away. But that looks like extreme obesity cases. And actually one was last month. It spreads over decade or so.

As with anything, there should be investigation and doctors involved. If they diagnose something, great. If they don't it's parents failure.

@toocold54

There has been discussion whether morbidly obese children should be taken into care same way like super underfed children would be. It's an actual and real welfare concern you have.

The trouble is some people have undiagnosed medical conditions which means they lose or put on weight more than others so I don’t know how many would get unfairly taken or judged because of it.

I expect that a social services investigation would include whether there were medical issues going on... some children were actually taken away last month...

If she asked why you didn't like the post, you can always blame Facebook algorithms.

One of my FB friends posted a picture of what looked like an Easter egg cut in half, and each half was filled with cheesecake and then topped with chocolate, mini eggs and icing. I can't even imagine how many calories are in it. I just couldn't eat it, I don't think. It's too much!!

Unlikely to be outing as there as many of us sadly observing the same. A nearby neighbour around 10yo disappeared indoors last spring and has come out now so overweight that he has had to change the way to moves and gets around. It is dreadful to see. Op I think your in will be if your friend says anything at all about weight gain or health, you can then gently suggest 'Would you think of?' or 'I feel the same, should we X?' etc. There are a lot of children in the same boat. Treats are cheap and keep em happy... Too easy to reach for at the moment when it is hard to keep food habits and energy going.

Easter egg cut in half, and each half was filled with cheesecake and then topped with chocolate, mini eggs and icing.

I've seen these and they ao made me want a cheesecake! If they are small and don't have over sweet cheescake, they could be lovely once a year thing🙈

I know how you feel, OP - my nephews were vastly overweight by the time they were about 9-10. To the extent that one could only wear adult men's tracksuit bottoms as nothing smaller fit over his thighs or closed at the waist. He was 10 and was covered in actual rolls of fat and large 'breasts' and was mercilessly teased at school. The only reason was his lifestyle and yes, it made me furious that my brother and SIL enabled it.

They were both very overweight themselves, very inactive and big eaters. It took my own mum's intervention (she hired a personal trainer once a week for the boys and gave them 'cooking from scratch' lessons herself). The boys' parents were a bit pissed off at first but it worked, both boys (now 15) are now at a healthy weight, lead active lives and are much more aware of what they put in their bodies.

I can't lie, it drives me a little nuts now to see very overweight children as they don't control their own food intake or exercise level at that age - it's something that's done TO them. In your situation I admit I'd have a frank, but kind conversation with your friend.

I bet the poster calling you a cow also has obese kids. Not much you can do though

I have a friend with two children like this and I agree with the pp who say it should be a safeguarding issue of neglect, as it would be if you underfed your children. The constant posts of huge dinners, a tray laid with picky bits while watching tv or having a lie in, donuts for breakfast and adult portions eating out show why the children are seriously obese. There is no way the parents could think the children are not. Both parents are too but she is a feeder and will make food for friends and family, it’s how she shows love. I couldn’t say anything without seriously offending her. If they were seriously underweight I’m sure the school would take action.

@amijustparanoidorjuststoned

Hi OP. Whilst it seems like you are a very caring friend who wants to help out, unfortunately YABVU.

I was the fat kid in primary school who will have lifelong issues with food due to my emotionally abusive (and also very overweight) mother. I eventually lost the weight naturally moving in to secondary school but will probably have issues with eating my whole life.

Please don't say anything - you will only make the kids feel worse and encourage them to potentially binge eat in secret.

I don't think the OP was planning on directly approaching the children though?

It's a hard one isn't it? I think the whole "they're not your children you should butt out" attitude is simplistic and potentially very damaging to children and to our society as a whole. If she was hitting the kids or emotionally abusing them then you'd step in and act to get the help the kids need, regardless of the impact on your friendship but we all struggle knowing what to do in these cases which just begin to border on neglect/abuse. You know if you say something your friend, regardless of how tactful you are it's likely she will feel threatened and that will end your friendship but at the same time I'm guessing you find it really hard to stand by and watch her harming her children in this way, however unintentional the consequences of her behaviour are.

Whilst it may be true that she is already aware that her children are overweight it is also possible that she may be able to keep up the denial if everyone else does that too and maybe she does need a wake up call.

I guess the only way to tread the line is to do what others have said, suggest activities etc and just drop things into the conversation which are not directed at her but which might just make her think a bit and perhaps make her reassess the bad habits she's got into.

You're a good friend and right to be worried. Model the good stuff when you can get together, don't worry about offending her by bringing a healthier picnic than hers.

@Imnotbent

I have a friend with two children like this and I agree with the pp who say it should be a safeguarding issue of neglect, as it would be if you underfed your children. The constant posts of huge dinners, a tray laid with picky bits while watching tv or having a lie in, donuts for breakfast and adult portions eating out show why the children are seriously obese. There is no way the parents could think the children are not. Both parents are too but she is a feeder and will make food for friends and family, it’s how she shows love. I couldn’t say anything without seriously offending her. If they were seriously underweight I’m sure the school would take action.

I have a fb friend like this too - the children are enormous yet constant pictures of huge ice cream sundaes, massive portions etc. What I find difficult to understand is that i went to school with this person ( the mum ) and she was very chubby as a child, was teased and ended up anorexic in her early twenties. She is now looking fantastic, just the right weight. I can understand why after struggling with anorexia herself she wouldn't want to put the kids on a diet, but surely she can see that she needs to promote healthy eating as the norm. Why would you want your own child to suffer bullying like you yourself did ? I have another friend with a huge teenage daughter and it's just constant pictures of baking every day, cakes, cookies, bread, buns. i feel like screaming " find a different hobby ffs. ".

The problem I feel is education

I remember watching a few programmes about obesity in children and diabetes which is a rising epidemic. I saw one boy have his family buy him bottles of Ribena. When his dr asked why he was given it. The family said it’s fruit! Fruit is healthy. There in lies the problem.

People don’t realise the amounts of sugar in everything. I remember as I have tiny children who were out in a high fat diet. I remember having a hell of a time trying to find anything with healthy fats. Like high fat pate honey etc. It was then I realised that everything including bread is full of sugar! Sugar satisfies us quicker than protein or fat. Which satiates us longer. But not like sugar.

Heinz did a famous test years back now. Where they took the sugar out of their beans. But the people wouldn’t eat it. They didn’t like the taste till it had the high amount of sugar that’s in it today.

It’s a vicious circle. Consumers wants sugary products. So sellers put sugar in. Take the sugar out and it doesn’t sell. So hence it carries on.....

People need to be more aware of the amounts of sugar in seemingly non sugar items. I still remember the shock of how much was in one white bread tuna sandwich.

Of course there is the normal chocolates etc. Sweets. But I find it’s the hidden sugar in foods.

@SchrodingersImmigrant

Easter egg cut in half, and each half was filled with cheesecake and then topped with chocolate, mini eggs and icing.

I've seen these and they ao made me want a cheesecake! If they are small and don't have over sweet cheescake, they could be lovely once a year thing🙈

I love cheesecake. It's just the cheesecake and the chocolate and the more chocolate and the icing and then the mini eggs and creme eggs. It's just too much! I think dessert is fine once a week or even a small treat a day, but the problem is too many people are having multiple treats, several times a day, every day.

Obviously don’t say anything today. After Christmas Easter is the time we eat the most.

Tricky really, hopefully school is aware and may intervene? I’m not sure what I would do- my sister and closest friend I think I would; others
I don’t think so

I see overfeeding children as neglectful as underfeeding them. Your friend is setting them up for lives of poor health if nothing else. I think you should say something as diplomatically as possible.

It’s a really difficult one. You sound like a good friend who cares but this really hits a nerve for me because I was that obese child. I was deeply ashamed and my weight ruined my childhood. I suffered a lot of loss during my childhood and was comforted with food which has set me up for a lifetime of problems and made me a deeply unhappy, obese adult.

Now that I have dc of my own, although they are not overweight I am terrified that they will be. Because of my upbringing I don’t really know what a healthy lifestyle looks like.

Lots of children have piled on weight this last year. I think a lot of it is boredom. People eat more when they're bored.
The young lad, 10 ish next door to me has piled on at least a stone
Prior to covid he was always playing sport. He was never a sljm child but I think the sport kept his weight in check.
Hopefully your friend's children's weight will level out a bit now things are opening up again.
Combine that with a growth spurt and they will soon get back to normal.
I wouldn't say anything. It's nice that you're concerned but it's not your problem to sort out and you could lose a friend.

There seems to be a lot of denial in society about this. While there might be some cases that are medical issues, you can see what is in many families’ shopping trolleys to know that it’s not for others. Our GP told me my DC2 was a normal weight and that his ribs should show slightly under his skin as they did. Not to see rib outline at all means a child is overweight . I asked as PIL kept telling us he was too thin. Other GDC were overweight but they insisted ours was the one with the problem. Cousins were downing vast quantities of fizzy drink on a daily basis.
I was told at antenatal classes to offer water to bottle fed babies and not to start with any kind of juice at all. There were several other parents in the room who could not believe what they were hearing and the midwife was clearly very frustrated dealing with parents who were insisting that their mums said it was fine, their sister gives to her DC etc.
It starts at that age - juice to babies, then fizz to preschoolers etc .
I think you can only lead by example, OP. Go on picnics together so she sees what yours are eating. If she says anything you could say that you’re trying to limit sugar as invented relatives child has weight problem, diabetes etc and it’s caused you to have a hard look at your diet, remembering how you were as a child. But I wouldn’t raise it with her - I can’t see it going well.

@BlackCatShadow oh yeah. Desserts are fine. I meant this ultra over load being just once a year. 😁

You can't say anything I'm afraid. The best you can do is suggesting meeting up for a walk, and giving your kids a healthy lunch. Maybe the penny will drop.