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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother in law’s new partner after sisters death

429 replies

germinal · 04/04/2021 05:55

My sister died less than 9 months ago. My brother in law has a new partner who he has been seeing for at least 4 months. My nieces and nephews (his kids) know her now, she stays over. She’s the opposite of my sister but she shares her first name. I can’t stop crying

OP posts:
MinesAPintOfTea · 04/04/2021 06:01

Would it comfort you to hear that most widowers who get into a new relationship after their wife's death, do so because they had had a happy marriage? It's the unhappy ones who don't look for someone new.

And sorry for your loss Flowers

CateTown · 04/04/2021 06:04

Losing your sister must be unbearably painful. Some people just cannot bear to be alone, could your BiL be one if them? Or could it be that he was lucky enough to meet someone who brings him joy amongst all the loss and pain and the timing was (understandably) bad for you?

Wriggleout · 04/04/2021 06:14

Please don't fall out with him over this. It's not an insult to the memory of your sister. He might have been feeling completely lost. For some, ithe easiest to cope is to move straight into a new relationship as they feel best in a partnership

joystir59 · 04/04/2021 06:19

My bil was in a new relationship six months after my sister's death. She was ill for a long time before she died and they both had such an awful time of it. She had told him to go and find happiness with someone new, that he'd be rubbish on his own. He really loved my sister but he chose to get on with his life and I don't blame him.

joystir59 · 04/04/2021 06:20

And I meant to say that I'm so sorry for your loss

Mollymalone123 · 04/04/2021 06:23

It seems to be quite common that men ‘seem’ to move on quite quickly when actually they really can’t bare the void of not having their partner around. My dad was with my mum for over 50 years- but was soon ‘our and about’ helping another lady friend with shopping etc. I felt so mad with him but actually realised he was keeping himself busy doing anything than being on his own.That fizzled out pretty much after a few months and he’s content now-on his own- after two years.As hurtful as it seems it could just be his way of filling a void- even though it seems totally inappropriate- he might be at a total loss with the children and needs the help from another person.I’m so sorry for your loss-

nohelp · 04/04/2021 06:42

The pain of losing your sister must be horrendous. I do think it’s excellent advice about not falling out over it. The last thing you want is to lose touch with your niece or nephews. Some people just can’t bear to be alone and it does sound like a coping mechanism.

Original poster
germinal · 04/04/2021 06:53

I suppose the pain stems from his new girlfriend being completely opposite to my sister. And my sister made me promise I would keep her memory alive for the kids, I feel like I can not honour that promise with this woman now such a big presence in their life

OP posts:
Original poster
germinal · 04/04/2021 06:54

Thanks so much everyone. I just needed to vent. The pain is terrible. And the anger is so hard on top of it

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 04/04/2021 07:00

I understand you’re terribly upset. The fact the new woman in his life has the same name is pure coincidence. Please don’t make this about you. You promised to honour your sister’s memory. You can take your n&n out, talk to them, love them. Be the best aunt you can be.

I have read with happy relationships people often move on quickly. It is likely this new woman has been a shoulder to cry on for your bil. I think he’s moved this too quickly for the children and they shouldn’t have met her yet as he doesn’t really know her. For this reason, you really need to be there for the children. How old are they?

Palaver1 · 04/04/2021 07:03

The anger stems from the pain.
You will always keep your sisters memory alive
Don’t fall out with you brother in law . Time is a healer .
who knows what tomorrow might bring ,it might fizzle out this is not to say he doesn’t have a right to a relationship.
We all have a way of coping with grieve
I’m ever so sorry for your loss

Singlenotsingle · 04/04/2021 07:14

You say your nieces and nephews, so presumably there must be four children at least. That's a heavy load for one parent to take on. The new lady friend is going to have a job on her hands. I hope it all goes well for them all.

Silverfly · 04/04/2021 07:18

OP I am so sorry for your loss. Your hurt and anger is understandable but this truly does not mean that he did not love your sister.

Okbussitout · 04/04/2021 07:21

I'm so sorry for your loss op. All losses are awful but when somone has young children it's so sad. Have you talked to him about it?
Also how old is he?

Northernparent68 · 04/04/2021 07:30

@germinal

I suppose the pain stems from his new girlfriend being completely opposite to my sister. And my sister made me promise I would keep her memory alive for the kids, I feel like I can not honour that promise with this woman now such a big presence in their life
I’m sure the children will always remember their mother.
Beseigedbykillersquirrels · 04/04/2021 07:31

I'm very sorry for your loss. I do thing YABU though. You can't dictate a suitable length of time that your BIL should be alone for. He's grieving and looking after his children. If he needs a shoulder to cry on or some support from somebody else than that's his call. Were you hoping he'd stay alone forever?
I lost my partner a few years ago and was married within 18 months. It makes you realise that life is indeed too short.

knocke · 04/04/2021 07:33

I'm very sorry for your loss.

In your shoes I would also be upset re BIL moving on so soon.

eatsleepread · 04/04/2021 07:36

YANBU and I think your BIL is being pathetic. I'd perhaps feel differently if he was on his own, but his choices must be so confusing for the children.

Above all else though, I am so sorry for the loss of your sister Thanks

giao · 04/04/2021 07:36

The same name, that's really hard OP. Flowers I feel for you so much.

Ohpulltheotherone · 04/04/2021 07:40

I’m so sorry for your loss.

I lost my mum when I was young, my dad didn’t get into another relationship for over 10 years.
I don’t know if that was a good thing for me or not.

You can be there for her kids though, make it a priority, focus on them. Let them know you are always there to talk, share memories of their mum. They will need you and they will need that link to their mum. Don’t pull back because your hurt by his actions.

In the kindest way possible you mustn’t focus on how you feel about his new relationship. It’s normal to be upset, I would be too. But he is grieving too. It may go the distance, it may not. Just try to be there for the kids and don’t get into a situation where they feel like they have to choose between their dad and their aunt (who holds so many memories and reminders of their mum).

Cry and vent and let it out but then make some plans to see the kids, plaster on a smile and do it for your sister Flowers

MinesAPintOfTea · 04/04/2021 07:44

If you are their childcare bubble, or post-lockdown you can take the children and have fun on days out, or films at your house, and remember your sister with them. If BiL had was new relationship he is more likely to want occasional babysitting so it will be a win both ways, as well as spending time with them as a family.

Your sister will not be forgotten.

ShesMadeATwatOfMePam · 04/04/2021 07:44

Her children will never forget their mother.

Alannathelioness · 04/04/2021 07:46

I'm sorry for your loss. Your grief and anger isn't surprising.
Try to think that her being the opposite is a good thing. He isn't trying to replace your sister by dating someone similar. He's gone for somebody is who someone else entirely.

My good friend (50s) lost his wife a little over a year ago in a shocking accident. His grief and depression was tremendous. But within about 6 months he had started seeing someone. We met her about 5 months ago. She couldn't be more different to his wife. Literally polar opposites down to the colour of her hair, her style, her attitude and her way of talking. I commented how different she was (in a nice way!) and he said "I'm not looking to replace X, but it doesn't mean I can't be happy" and I just felt so pleased for him, despite still grieving for the loss of my friend.
If they were a carbon copy I'd be concerned they were substituting and trying to avoid the grief.

Keep your sisters memory alive by talking to the kids about her, let them express themselves and not hide away her memory. If you're concerned her memory is being squashed have a word with BiL (for instance are photos of her still around the house etc) as it's important this new woman doesn't remove their right to remember their mom. Some women will be understanding of that, others less so. Her attitude will be the difference. My friend's new partner regularly drives with him to visit his wife's grave, he's very open about talking about his wife in front of her, stories from our last involving her etc etc. All of that to me was a good sign and showed that the new partner was a good egg.

chocolateorangeinhaler · 04/04/2021 07:47

It really isn't anything to do with you who he sees. You know nothing of the background, maybe when alive your sister and him discussed this and both agreed to move on if that's what they wanted. Why should he stay alone and what in your opinion is a suitable to stay alone?
He is happy, the kids are happy and the new gf is happy. You are not happy understandably because you've lost your sister, people deal with loss in different ways. Nobody is right. But this is right for him and the kids, do not try and guilt them into being unhappy just because you are.

userxx · 04/04/2021 07:47

I'd feel absolutely the same way in your shoes but your bil sounds like one of those people who can't be on his own. Have you spoken to him about it?