Brother in law’s new partner after sisters death

[germinal]

My sister died less than 9 months ago. My brother in law has a new partner who he has been seeing for at least 4 months. My nieces and nephews (his kids) know her now, she stays over. She’s the opposite of my sister but she shares her first name. I can’t stop crying

because you are grieving so much and it must hurt so dreadfully.
But nothing you have said about their actions strikes me as in anyway wrong.
Has he neglected the kids?
Has he dissed your sister in front of the kids?
Focus on the kids. Are they being given opportunity to laugh and play and enjoy themselves as much as to mourn and talk about their mum.
If so then all is good
Are you like your sister? Are you projecting how you react to this loud joyful woman onto them?
I'm a quiet person too - so I sort of know where you're coming from - but frankly this isn't about you.
Nothing will bring your lovely sister back. Noone can replace her.
Anger is a massive part of grief.
Opening up on here is good. Maybe some counselling too. But not not in real life.

@LakieLady

No-one who hasn't been through it can begin to understand the gaping void that losing a partner leaves behind.

I can entirely understand why some people seek a new partner soon afterwards, and good luck to them.

It wouldn't do for me, because I would constantly be comparing them to my DP and they would fall short, but I wouldn't dream of judging anyone who does find some sort of balm and even happiness from a new relationship soon after bereavement.

Nor would I, if they didn’t have confused and grieving young children they were introducing the new person to.

Everyone who hasn't been widowed seems to have massive expectations of those who have.

Oblomov21 I think that is what is distressing to me. It’s all so lacking in respect, so gross really. It makes me sad for my sister

In all honesty, that's horrible. It's just shitty. It sounds like she jumped at the chance to move in on him, and he was fine with letting it happen.

But for your own peace of mind you're going to have to spin it as "Well at least the dc's have someone else caring for them." And I think that is the main thing ultimately, that she likes them.

Your BIL has learnt tragically that you never know when your time will be up . He is grabbing happiness while he can , if this new person makes him and his children happy that’s a good thing . What if he walked away from that and lived a miserable lonely life simply because he met the best person for him at the wrong time for you . As other posters have said it’s a massive tribute to your sister that he feels able to enter a new relationship.

The timing is pretty gross but I agree with PP that you need to play the long game and practice your fake smile for the sake of these children. As they get older you'll hopefully have more of an opportunity to take them out without BIL.

picak I didn’t say she was joyful. She is not.

This sounds very upsetting for you. I’m very loss for your loss.
It seems to be a familiar tale with quite a few men.
I understand why you wish he had taken things more slowly with involving the children. It seems unnecessary to have her so involved with them so soon, especially when he will still be grieving. I suppose all you can do is to model the dignity and grace on your sister’s behalf. You can still be an amazing aunty and tell them all about their lovely mum.

This one is just a boorish bull in a China shop

Maybe that's exactly what he needs - a loud and exuberant woman after losing your sister? Perhaps that confidence is matched or tempered by a great warmth, kindness and strength behind closed doors? Sometimes the loudest people who put your teeth on edge in public can be completely different when they don't feel a need to put a front on for the world.

Whatever you do, though, you do need to be careful about your words in public (on here is fine), as if your opinions get back to him, you're more likely to be put at arm's length because of your obvious distaste for his girlfriend - she might become the children's stepmother, after all. Or in the end, a much loved 'Auntie'.

It's difficult. But everybody deserves to be able to meet/love somebody else when they are widowed. Even if they aren't cardboard cutouts of their spouse. The children will see and learn and remember their mother through maintaining contact with you, not through being taught to despise the woman in theirs and their father's life.

My friends mother died unexpectedly of a heart attack in her sleep in her early fifties. Her father met someone three months after and was engaged six months after. She was very, very hurt that he had moved on so quickly.. I can’t imagine being ready to meet someone new in that time period.

OP - I've sent you a PM.

I saw a lovely programme about Rio Ferdinands second wife Kate taking an active part in helping the children remember their Mum, the family developed customs that honoured her and her memory. I thought that was so emotionally healthy for them as a couple and the kids even more so. I think you should welcome the new partner and you also have a legitimate interest in supporting them as adults and potentially parents to keep your sisters memory alive. But I don't think you can expect to do the latter if you don't respect and value the new relationship. So sorry for your loss.

* I would feel the same. I think it would be too soon to introduce a new partner if your sister and BIL had just split up but with the circumstances, it is even worse. I think the children need time with their dad, just them, to find a new way to be ok. I think your BIL should be focusing on his children and himself, not a new relationship.*

^The BIL is putting his own needs above his childrens. I do question the girlfriends character- what type of woman dates with a very recently bereaved widower with grieving kids, sleeping over and parading the children all over Facebook.

I feel so sorry for you OP. Please focus your attention on your Nieces/ Nephews and keep your sisters memory alive. I doubt your BIL with bother. He seems more occupied with his new girlfriend.

@PicaK

Everyone who hasn't been widowed seems to have massive expectations of those who have.

Quite. I totally get why people find new partners quickly. I know it's far too soon for me, but my god I crave the presence of another person in the house, someone to hug, to snuggle up to in bed, to bring me a cuppa now and again or discuss what to have for dinner.

I can't even look out of the front window without being reminded of how much he loved the view, and crying.

The only thing that can be worse than losing your soulmate is losing a child.

I think there are two elements here.

Moving on quickly after a partner’s death is very much a personal thing. Sometimes the partner has been seriously ill for a long time so in essence the grief will have started long before the person has actually died for instance.

But I think that when there are children involved it’s a different matter. Nothing wrong with the person moving on, everything wrong with introducing children to a new partner within months of their mother’s death. Because children don’t do that grieving before the adult does. They don’t have the same concept of the loss they are going to have, and so for the children the grief doesn’t happen until the parent has passed, so the partner is some way ahead there.

My BIL was seeing someone within 8 weeks of SIL’s death. She had been ill for a long time so he already knew what was down the road so to speak, so it’s understandable that he may have moved forward with his life. But he had this new woman staying over at the house with the children there on the first date, and they have pretty much moved in together now.

And I judge that. We would all judge someone who introduced a new partner to the kids of a divorce, a death is no different.

I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful sister 💐

I feel for you. We lost our sister coming up to four years this summer. She left behind children and her husband. He is a great dad and is very present for the two younger ones.

The eldest child lives with his fiancé.

My brother in law is single, he never goes anywhere without the kids, he works and his sister minds them. He talks about my sister all the time and was totally devoted to her during her sickness.

At this point I feel I could accept it if he met someone nice. It would be some company for him and someone he could laugh again with. My sister wouldn't have wanted him to be alone his whole life, he's only 40.

But I can understand your pain and despair at this short space of time.

On the other hand, my brother lost his wife after an illness, they didn't have a good marriage, they had split and for back together numerous times, there was no other people involved, it was just a volatile relationship.

Within a year he had met and married a lovely woman. Nothing like his wife, this one is so gentle, she holds down a job, she doesn't drink alcohol (the first wife had issues with alcohol) and they're so good together. There are no children involved in this instance and I think that makes a difference.

The relationship your bil is in may run its course.

I know my sister in law did tell my brother to move on, as did her family.

@germinal

I suppose the pain stems from his new girlfriend being completely opposite to my sister. And my sister made me promise I would keep her memory alive for the kids, I feel like I can not honour that promise with this woman now such a big presence in their life

You can still do that.

DH was widowed when we met. DS1 was very young.

We have an amazing relationship (he’s 21 now), but his Mummy is still his Mummy. She’s still talked about. She’s always been part of his life, and therefore of all our lives. Today he can’t be local to us so my younger children are laying flowers on her grave for him.

His Auntie is a huge part of his life, as is his Grandmother. His Aunt knew her sister in ways no-one else did and that’s been so important to him. No-one else could really tell him the stories she could.

Your BIL meeting someone else won’t prevent you honouring your promise. There’s space for you as well.

@germinal

I suppose the pain stems from his new girlfriend being completely opposite to my sister. And my sister made me promise I would keep her memory alive for the kids, I feel like I can not honour that promise with this woman now such a big presence in their life

But he was always likely to find someone else?

It’s hard because it’s still all so recent for you. It will get easier.

I think I can relate, a little, to your pain and anger. And it really stings. A very good friend died 3 years ago. 5 months after she died, her widower was seeing another lady and within a month she’d moved in. She was so unlike my friend in every way. I was astounded, and angry and upset. DH’s reaction was “good for him”. When I challenged him, he said “what would be ok by YOU Bike? a year? 2? 10? He’s not even 50, he can’t be alone for the rest of his life. Maybe he needs help with the kids. Maybe he just wants a shag. But it’s not your call.”

And he was right. It wasn’t my call. It hurt like Hell that my friend’s widower had “replaced” her so quickly. That I had still lost one of the best friends I’ll ever have, that their kids had lost their mum, actually that life was going on at all. But of course, he hadn’t replaced her at all. That “relationship” lasted less than 3 months. Now, 3 years later, he’s on a dating website, using a profile his wife wrote for me. It’s lovely to see him happy. He talks about his ride often, with love and kindness, but doesn’t hide her faults (he doesn’t idolise her). The kids have had a lot of counselling (they were both primary school age when she died). Life does go on.

Having said that, this was the death of a friend, not my sister. I wasn’t involved in the grief of the wider family, I didn’t have those ties of blood and childhood, and the more intense relationship I have with my siblings. This must amplify the situation so much. Be kind to yourself OP, your feelings are valid, but so are your brother in law’s. Don’t fall out over this.

When would it be acceptable for him to move on? Would his grief be more acceptable to you had he left the kids with you and disappeared? Did he need to seek permission from all of her friends and family before moving on? Her being so different and an ex is that the problem? Maybe your sisters marriage was falling apart even without the sickness? Do you want to approve who he can and cannot date?

I understand you’re upset with your sister’s death, and it might be upsetting that he moved on with an ex that you don’t like. But life’s funny sometimes, and you find love where you least expect it.

Ugh I hate it when men do this. It’s common but awful.

Thanks so much everyone.
To anyone who has lost someone, all my love and strength to you.
All advice is good and true. I won’t fall out over this, I love the kids so much. He does too of course! We will muddle along. It’s what my sister would have desperately wanted from me.

I was 8 when my Mum died. I have pretty much forgotten her. No one ever spoke about her, her presence was erased from my life and my Dad moved on very quickly. It was a traumatic, sudden, accidental death.

What I wish had happened (ideas for your niblings)
Take note of her favourite music, make playlists
Keep a bottle of her perfume
Keep some of her clothes
Keep her shoes (I can't imagine how small my Mum's feet were)
Keep her favourite books and magazine
Is there anything with her writing on? Keep that.
Are there any movie or recordings of her voice? Keep those
Talk about her
Display photos of her
Keep her memory alive at important points of the year
Visit special places that she liked with the niblings
Is there a grave or memorial to visit? Do that.
Save her social media accounts (you can make them memorials)
Get people to send you memories and stories about your sister and then pop those and photos into a memory book (do an online photo book and have it printed). Give to niblings.
Talk about how your sister would have reacted to things in the news and pop culture

Keep her memory active and lively - then it will never matter who else comes in the lives of her widower. She will be a happy memory.

Grief especially intense grief makes you really need a cuddle and physical interaction. (More than youd get from a relative.)
Youre also very emotionally vulnerable, so after the sex, you fall in love desperately and in a clinging way. I bet he's in pieces really and this new relationship is helping him to give the appearance of stability.
Might also be hyper with it. This can appear like happiness.

I was like above when I lost my parents.