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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother in law’s new partner after sisters death

429 replies

germinal · 04/04/2021 05:55

My sister died less than 9 months ago. My brother in law has a new partner who he has been seeing for at least 4 months. My nieces and nephews (his kids) know her now, she stays over. She’s the opposite of my sister but she shares her first name. I can’t stop crying

OP posts:
Calmdown14 · 04/04/2021 11:12

I would share your concerns about it being too soon to move her in. This would apply in any relationship with children involved not just following a loss.
But you are on a hiding to nothing to ever voice this to him. On some level he knows you are right so it will hit an almighty nerve but he'll redirect that worry at you and you will be the bad guy.
Honouring the promise you made your sister requires you to bite your lip, smile and make sure you are there for the kids. It seems quick but who knows, you may look back and realise it worked out well for all of them. Whatever happened, you need to be on the inside and not outside of it

RubyViolet · 04/04/2021 11:13

I know a widower who was on Tinder 2 months after his wife died. He is in a relationship with one of the first people he spoke to on the first week on the app. Hid the new relationship from the teenage kids until 6 months and Christmas had passed.
I do think men look for a new long term relationship sooner than women do when they have enjoyed a long relationship previously. Maybe society police’s widows more than widowers so it’s more common amongst men.

Roselilly36 · 04/04/2021 11:16

So sorry for the loss of your sister OP.

I can understand why BIL moving forward with his life would cause you pain.

Switch off the SM posts as that won’t help your grief, be there for your BIL & yr nieces and nephews, try not to show how you feel inside, a big ask I know.

This is a situation I have seen many times, and I agree with what previous posters have said, very common in men that have had the best marriages, some people just need to have a partner in their lives. She hasn’t replaced your sister, no one ever could. Flowers

U2HasTheEdge · 04/04/2021 11:17

OP, I am so sorry for your loss.

I do not agree that it is OK for him to have introduced a new woman into the children's lives so early on. That is not OK.

There is no acceptable time limit to meet someone else, but it is not acceptable to introduce them to children who are so early in the grief process.

My children lost their father at similar ages and they were very close to their step mum. She met someone 4 months after my children's father's death and introduced him to my children (without me knowing beforehand) and it was a messy situation. She had no responsibility to my children I know, but it did complicate their grief and caused a lot of pain for them.

Unlike my children's SM, your brother in law is responsible for the children's welfare and is showing poor judgment about their needs. It's OK to be angry and worried about that.

All you can do is be there for the children like I know you will be. No one can replace your sister and her children will never forget her.

They are lucky to have a lovely auntie like you, and once again I am so sorry for your loss, and the pain his meeting someone else so early on has understandably caused you.

SciFiScream · 04/04/2021 11:17

In fact take a note of all her favourites and dislikes. Someone mentioned about a favourite colour above. I don't know what my Mum's favourite colour was.

The only thing my Dad was ever able to tell us was how much she loved us. If he ever spoke about her "oh she loved you and your sibling so much SciFi". That didn't mean anything until I had my own DC and then I knew.

Her DH moving on and keeping her memory alive are 2 different things. You can do something about the latter.

BlackboardMonitorVimes · 04/04/2021 11:20

OP, I was a child in a very similar scenario. Even down to the name. I love my step parent to bits but they have never taken on my parents role. The name thing has never bothered me as I never 'knew' my parent by that name. Time also runs differently for kids so it didn't feel quick.

I get it hurts but I watched my living parent lose friends and have difficulties with family over it. As a child I hated that we had already been through hell, why did these people have to make life hard for us. So by all means have these feelings but don't share it with the family (or gossip about them) or let it stop you being part of their lives. The best way to keep your DSis alive for them is to be an active part in their lives and you do that by being welcoming to the new partner and dealing with your own grief separately. She isn't and never will be your sisters replacement, but she can bring a different joy to the family.

Unfortunately I hardly ever see my cousins and have zero relationship with my aunt/uncle because ultimately they couldn't manage their feelings. It made a sad situation sadder.

Nanny0gg · 04/04/2021 11:22

Normally on MN, anyone that introduces a new partner to their children in under a year is slated.

I think, in these circumstances, it's even worse to do so.

Have a new relationship if it helps you but keep the children out of it for the moment

U2HasTheEdge · 04/04/2021 11:22

@grisen

When would it be acceptable for him to move on? Would his grief be more acceptable to you had he left the kids with you and disappeared? Did he need to seek permission from all of her friends and family before moving on? Her being so different and an ex is that the problem? Maybe your sisters marriage was falling apart even without the sickness? Do you want to approve who he can and cannot date?

I understand you’re upset with your sister’s death, and it might be upsetting that he moved on with an ex that you don’t like. But life’s funny sometimes, and you find love where you least expect it.

There isn't an acceptable time to 'move on'.

There are more acceptable times to introduce a new partner to your young grieving children though.

It's OK to judge that.

It is traumatic for children to lose a parent. You do not add to that by bringing home a new girlfriend.

jessstan2 · 04/04/2021 11:23

@germinal

Oblomov21 I think that is what is distressing to me. It’s all so lacking in respect, so gross really. It makes me sad for my sister
I doubt very much that your brother-in-law intends his new relationship to be disrespectful to his late wife. It has just happened and brought some joy to him, we do after all live in the here and now.

However, his girlfriend posting pictures of him and her on facebook is a bit insensitive though you don't have to be 'friends' with her and see them. She is probably happy and wants to share with her friends and family.

Moving her in or him moving in with her at this stage is far too soon for many reasons. There isn't anything you can do if he does but it wouldn't hurt, if you are close to him, to advise caution. He can still see her, just wait a bit longer before making a commitment.

Minniem2020 · 04/04/2021 11:23

I would never begrudge anyone finding happiness after a loss but I would feel the seem as the op with regards to the children.
It took me 5 months to introduce dp to my daughter and that was just after a relationship breakdown. If the children become attached to this woman and then it doesn't work out then that's more upset and confusion that they don't need. Especially for the littlest one.
I think grief is clouding your bils judgement

Sillyduckseverywhere · 04/04/2021 11:24

@PicaK

Everyone who hasn't been widowed seems to have massive expectations of those who have.
Yep. They do. I was all "I'll never love again, I'm never going hold someone else, no one will compare" I've barely been single since the 6 month mark.
daffodilsandprimroses · 04/04/2021 11:27

It isn’t really that though, sillyducks

Moving another woman in with that amount of rapidity does seem to suggest to me that it’s the relationship rather than the individual that he loved. And there is something sad about that.

spurs4ever · 04/04/2021 11:31

@germinal you are definitely not being unreasonable. I went through the exact same thing with my sister's wife. She moved on less than 5 months after my sister died and while I am fairly certain this was something they discussed (SIL was only 40 and couldn't be expected to be alone forever) it still hurt all of us. What was worse is that she ghosted our family completely and treated my parents terribly. Nearly 5 years down the line and we hardly speak. They didn't have children so that side of it wasn't an issue but I think the best you can do is carry on being the best Auntie for her children. Much love, I know how much it hurts xx

Sillyduckseverywhere · 04/04/2021 11:33

@daffodilsandprimroses

It isn’t really that though, sillyducks

Moving another woman in with that amount of rapidity does seem to suggest to me that it’s the relationship rather than the individual that he loved. And there is something sad about that.

You don't know that though. How long is long enough? Like PP have said, is a year enough? Two years? The truth is that as soon as the funeral is over people stop bothering with you. After the funeral is harder than before and the days are so long. It might only be 6 months to people that aren't living it, but it can feel like a lifetime to the widowed. If you click, you have to grab it. Life is fragile and over in the blank of an eye.
Sillyduckseverywhere · 04/04/2021 11:33

Blink... obviously Grin

daffodilsandprimroses · 04/04/2021 11:34

how long is long enough

Well I do think moving on months after your spouses death is ridiculous, I’m sorry.

My dad met another woman at my mums funeral and I stand by thinking that is too soon. If nothing else it is awful for the children.

Cakecakeandmorecake · 04/04/2021 11:34

I’m so sorry for your loss OP. I can see why your angry (I would be too) but I’m so glad your not going to fall out over this. You can maybe speak to him about getting his GF to step back a bit? I think it was completely insensitive of them both to just suddenly put this on everyone and especially the kids. It seems she waiting for her moment and swept in. By the sounds of it, it really won’t last. If it didn’t work before then I doubt it will now. Sounds like he is using it to fill a void. He should have kept their relationship away from you and the kids. I’m sorry op

HoldontoOneMoreDay · 04/04/2021 11:36

I'm sorry for your loss.

I think, very gently, that if he was with a carbon copy of your sister that would hurt even more. It's good that she's different.

Doesn't mean that you have to like everything that she does, of course. But it's better.

Maybe83 · 04/04/2021 11:36

It's not just so recent for the OP. There are 4 small children who's mother hasn't even been dead a year. Less than 6 months and another woman is inserted into their home.

I actually don't think that's OK just because their father is lonely.

I would have absolutely no respect for him and think he was such a weak person. There is no way his children have been given the space and time to accept the reality of the loss of their mother. But sure no worries once a grown man isn't lonely or you know has to manage four children on his own.

I would however ensure that he and his new partner who equally I would very little respect for couldnt push our family out.

So I would judge and rage in private with a good counsellor. Comment absolutely nothing about them/their life together either to them or your nieces/nephews. Or to people you all know. If people are gossiping and passing comment to you. Have stock responses that don't give away your real feelings on the subject.

Focus on keeping and building your own relationships with them. Be a source of constant in their life, a connection to their mam and fun. There is some great ideas of ways given to help remember your sister with them.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

pabloescobarselasticband · 04/04/2021 11:37

I think that some people just can't be alone! Its like when a relationship ends, some people move on straight away because they can't cope with being alone. It's not a reflection of his relationship with your sister, its a reflection of his relationship with himself. He's delaying the grief and distracting himself.

WiseOwlOne · 04/04/2021 11:39

The judgement on single parents (mothers) if they try to date 18 months after a break up but people are saying people who haven't been widowed have high expectations on widows! So in this scenario it's all about the adult but in the case of a single parent, it's all about the children. There are double standards on MN, for sure!

Butwasitherdriveway · 04/04/2021 11:41

@chocolateorangeinhaler

It really isn't anything to do with you who he sees. You know nothing of the background, maybe when alive your sister and him discussed this and both agreed to move on if that's what they wanted. Why should he stay alone and what in your opinion is a suitable to stay alone? He is happy, the kids are happy and the new gf is happy. You are not happy understandably because you've lost your sister, people deal with loss in different ways. Nobody is right. But this is right for him and the kids, do not try and guilt them into being unhappy just because you are.
'not happy' 'unhappy ' Hmm
Butwasitherdriveway · 04/04/2021 11:42

@WiseOwlOne

The judgement on single parents (mothers) if they try to date 18 months after a break up but people are saying people who haven't been widowed have high expectations on widows! So in this scenario it's all about the adult but in the case of a single parent, it's all about the children. There are double standards on MN, for sure!
No, not double standards.
AnnaSW1 · 04/04/2021 11:44

Everyone deals with death and their own grief in their own way. There's no correct timeframe as hard as it must be for you.

Mistressinthetulips · 04/04/2021 11:46

But what about the children's timeframe?