Brother in law’s new partner after sisters death

[germinal]

My sister died less than 9 months ago. My brother in law has a new partner who he has been seeing for at least 4 months. My nieces and nephews (his kids) know her now, she stays over. She’s the opposite of my sister but she shares her first name. I can’t stop crying

I hear you OP. I haven’t been through what you’re going through but I understand why you feel you love your sister more than her husband. I don’t think anyone on Earth could love my sister more than I do.

And as you said, you think you loved and miss her more, you can’t know for sure, but it’s the way you feel, especially when you see your bil moving on so quickly when you are still grieving so deeply. And feeling alone in the grief makes it all so much more painful and feeds the anger. I understand and I would feel exactly the same in your shoes

Do you have someone understanding to talk to in real life op?

Also to everyone jumping to the defense of the BIL and down the OPs throat- @germinal said she doesn’t need advice. What she wants is some listening ears and somebody to witness her pain, because her BIL doesn’t seem to be living the same experience.

Yes her BIL is probably devastated and grieving in his own way. He is not being objectively unreasonable - but we’re talking emotion here, not logic. The OP is feeling so much pain and she is not unreasonable to be feeling this way. Lay off.

The OP is feeling so much pain and she is not unreasonable to be feeling this way. Lay off.

Totally get her pain. And addressing that here for her as an individual through this time is the right thing to do.

The posters here making judgements here about when widows are allowed to move on with their lives is not part of addressing the ops pain though is it.

So when people lay off judging widows, and the comments have been disgusting through this thread, then I will be more than happy to lay off.

On a big forum like this, there are widows and widowers too who read this and also feel pain at the harsh judgements made about them, in a club no one wishes to be part of, but those outsiders are still happy to stand on the outside and tell them what they think should be done and how. According to their own set of rules.

It is possible to support the op without tearing down those who have been unfortunate enough to live through widowhood, trying to pick up the broken pieces of their lives, and that of their childrens.

I’m really truly sorry if I caused anyone to feel judged or to feel pain again. I hope anyone who has lived through a terrible loss finds happiness and love again. ♥️♥️♥️

All the best op. I hope you manage to find some peace. ♥️

@germinal but you do have a preferred time scale we should find that love and happiness in, as do many others on this thread.

And you will believe that we didn't love our spouses as much as their relatives did if we don't adhere to your arbitrary time schedule.

Nice.

Give it a rest

Morechocolatethanbarbara I didn’t mean to judge anyone. I’m so sorry.

I have no time limit. If you were my friend I would be totally in support of you. I don’t mind about my bil dating, it’s everything else. But I guess all of it is informed only by my own pain, and is not rational. I’m so sorry for your loss and so sorry if I made you feel judged.

I would feel exactly like the op has described her sister would about my dh if he choose to behave like this months after my death. I wouldn't expect him to stay single forever but I would expect him to give our children more time and space than 16 weeks before he was taking time away from them to be getting involved in another relationship.

If there was a heaven I would be utterly disgusted and disappointed looking at him that he would drag our children into a new relationship 4 months after I died.

So my sisters would be very much right if it was them that posting on this forum with this senario and how I would feel. Maybe just maybe the OP knew her sister better than posters here lecturing her.

Everyone here saying he will love her forever and the op has no idea. No actually it's everyone else that has no idea that he will or that he will raise their children in a space and view that allows them time and support to remember their mother. It's people's assumptions he will. For as many people who have experienced it that way there are many other people who haven't.
Parents get into relationships all the time with out adequately considering the needs of their children. Just because the OP BIL is widowed rather than divorced or separated doesn't mean he isn't capable of making that mistake.

So actually the OP concerns are valid and she shouldn't be guilted into pretending they aren't because it was her sister rather than her partner that died.

We lost our son in pregnancy 4 months ago watching how our children are dealing with the grief from that along with the fact our two oldest come from seperated families I don't believe for a second any of them would be ready to see dh or I in a new relationship so soon after the death of either of us. No matter how lonely either of us would be. Or that it would be in their best interests.

Bless uou @germinal 💐

You have said sorry several time to acknowledge widows feelings

Obv you miss and love your sister

A sibling love is different to the love of being in a relationship / to have that person in your life daily , living and sharing dreams with them to then nothing

I think counselling wouid be good for you. Anyone who has lost a loved one should

@germinal

I suppose the pain stems from his new girlfriend being completely opposite to my sister. And my sister made me promise I would keep her memory alive for the kids, I feel like I can not honour that promise with this woman now such a big presence in their life

Why not?

Maybe83 thank you. Thank god I don’t believe in heaven. It would be tortuous to be worried about my beloved sister observing life going on as it has!

I’m so sorry for your own grief, the loss of your pregnancy. So much heartache. I hope you and your children are all ok xxx

anotherboredone I guess I feel the new gf is so different. It’s very hard to explain I suppose. My sister was very quiet and sweet and loving. Private to an almost pathological degree. Never wanting attention, self effacing. She cared a lot about other people, she was in the health industry. She was very socially conscious.

My bil is none of these things really and, when she was dying, she was so worried all those things she cared about would not be reinforced by anyone. She worried that she would be erased.

If he partners with someone like himself, how will my sisters legacy endure?

The kids are so little. Their mothers influence is only as strong as the reinforcement?? They won’t remember her. And this new gf will mould them into her??? This is my fear

@germinal You are absolutely entitled to your pain and anger and expressing it here is perfectly acceptable. I think those of us on the thread who are widows are both trying to illustrate another pov for you as it may be helpful, and defend ourselves from the judgements of other posters on the thread. I can only speak for myself but I am not offended by your own feelings because you are also grieving.

If someone else told me that my late DH's sister loved him more than I did I would be incredibly offended and disgusted. If his sister herself said it I would be saddened that she felt that way and I would disagree completely but I would also understand that her own grief is overwhelming and causing her to think illogically. There's a big difference between a fellow griever expressing their own pain and a stranger with no experience passing judgement.

Sending you .

If he partners with someone like himself, how will my sisters legacy endure?

The kids are so little. Their mothers influence is only as strong as the reinforcement?? They won’t remember her. And this new gf will mould them into her???

I’m very different to my DH’s first wife.

DS knows who she was, what she was like and her thoughts and beliefs because DH told him. And her mum. And her sister. And her friends.

Now there is no doubts over the years he’s picked up things from me, but they are as well as the things he’s picked up from other people about his mum. Not instead of.

I think I loved my sister more than my bil. I think I miss her more.

YABU with that comment, you can’t possibly know how much he loves and misses her. He loved her in a completely different way that you do. If my ex’s sister said that to me after he died I would have been horrified. Maybe the reason he has moved on so fast is because he’s so consumed by grief he can’t possibly bare to be alone. My new DP is the opposite to him in every single way. I wouldn’t have chosen a similar partner. Just seeing people who remind me of him looks wise/meeting people with such similar interests still hurts sometimes.

JustLyra thank you. I hope that’s true. God, I really really want her to be a good person. I feel like that worry is making me go a bit crazy.

It sounds like your DS is blessed to have someone kind and understanding as his mother now. If that happened for my nieces and nephews it would be such a comfort to me.

It is different. Losing a sibling is someone you have had in your life since the start, all your childhood will be tied up in them. Losing a parent - horrendous too. You won't have known a spouse for as long but will have been with them every day and the intensity of the relationship might be greater.
There really is no point making a hierarchy of grief, it never end well.
I think a new girlfriend who was very similar to his first wife would actually be harder in many ways.

@germinal you seem to be thinking the absolute worse of the situation. By the sounds of it the relationship is still pretty new and considering we've spent the last year mostly in lockdown it's possible the GF has met the children ahead of schedule (she's also an ex so probably knows her well so it's not an entirely new person to him) but isn't being put in a position where she's caring for them like a step mother, it seems far too early for that.

It's a little concerning that you think they're trying to erase their mother. Why do you think this? Would it make a difference if the new GF was similar in personality to your sister? It does come across a little as though you're just judging them based on what you know of their personality rather than their actions (with lockdown how much have you witnessed that's caused concern?).

Clearly your sister saw something in your BIL that made her want to have 4 children with him, try and trust her judgement with regards to him. If his new GF's personality is similar to his (and she liked him) than try and give them a chance. He will want what's best for those children but he's also grieving and may not always make decisions at the right time and covid is also complicating things. I really do hope you've found this thread helpful and you can find some peace of mind regarding this issue.

@germinal

JustLyra thank you. I hope that’s true. God, I really really want her to be a good person. I feel like that worry is making me go a bit crazy.

It sounds like your DS is blessed to have someone kind and understanding as his mother now. If that happened for my nieces and nephews it would be such a comfort to me.

Most people are good people. And someone getting involved with a single father of 4 is going to know that’s going to be a bigger thing than an EOW Dad or even a 50/50 Dad.

The day DS asked if he could call me Mum was one of my proudest days. I was very conflicted as I have very strong opinions about people letting or making their children call their new partners mum or dad. His grandmother had me in tears after telling me that her DD loved being DS’s Mummy and not being around for him was her biggest struggle when she was dying, and that she was very sure her DD would be very happy that he now had a Mum to love and protect him.

I’ve not replaced DS’s Mummy, I have a different role because I’m a different person. He’s not replacing your sister. If he could still have her in his life I bet you any money he would, but he can’t.

Your BIL is going to do things you don’t agree with. He’s even going to get things wrong sometimes, but (since there doesn’t seem to be a massive backstory about him being a neglectful father previously) try and remember that he loves his children and he’ll be trying his best.

My mil was widowed in her early 30s with 3 children under 10 she had remarried to my fil within 8 months and my husband was born 9 months later. They remained married for over 40 years until he died. The 3 older children had their issues over the years with my fil but he was always there for them and from my outsider view he treated them all the same as my husband his son. All 3 kept their original surname and contact with the family
And as a bonus my husband could never understand why he had 6 grandparents when everyone else only had four!

I’ve just lost my brother and believe me op.
The love those children have for their mother will never be erased, they’ll forever wonder what she was like and want to make her proud.
It doesn’t matter what this new women is like, she’s got shoes to fill not the other way around. Those kids will never replace your sister.

Not offended here, perfectly valid feelings and understandable.

I will add that my new relationship, he didn't meet my son until around a year after we got together and it was at my sons request. Its a long distance relationship we see each other every other weekend, because I work alternate weekends and also because although my sons are now 22 and 19 I wouldn't feel comfortable doing more than that at the moment as ut takes me away from them. One of my sons still has issues, anxiety that something is going to happen to me which obviously goes back to witnessing his fathers death. Its a long road but I'm taking it slowly.

Hugs and sorry for your loss to all on this thread x