Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 17 18

Original poster

Brother in law’s new partner after sisters death

429 replies

germinal · 04/04/2021 05:55

My sister died less than 9 months ago. My brother in law has a new partner who he has been seeing for at least 4 months. My nieces and nephews (his kids) know her now, she stays over. She’s the opposite of my sister but she shares her first name. I can’t stop crying

OP posts:

Stratfordplace · 04/04/2021 08:54

Your sisters children sound like they are very young from your description of them as ducklings. I can understand your worry that they will forget their mum. Also the children have no say in the matter. I think I would try and get to know the woman. Some of the bull in a China shop type characters can be quite nurturing and kind underneath.

CateTown · 04/04/2021 08:55

And as it's only been 9 months, id wonder how soon he was looking

Oh don't stoke OP's pain.

OP can you try to grieve your lovely sister and keep an eye on her "ducklings" by mentally blocking out this new relationship.

Pubs and restaurants will be opening soon so you could offer to babysit whilst BiL and his gf go out and just relish being with your sister's children.

LemonRoses · 04/04/2021 09:00

I’m sure it feels like losing your sister again. I’m sure it cements the reality of gone forever and life moving on. It must feel like her children will be a step further away from you. That’s hard.

It’s also good for them to have a happy father, who is forward looking, who seeks joy after profound sadness. Grief can eat people up and destroy families. Happiness is better and his new relationship won’t damage the memory of your sister.

Don’t compare - it is the thief of joy. Get to know her as a person not a replacement. Look for the good bits, there will be some if the man who loved your sister also loves her.

Sillyduckseverywhere · 04/04/2021 09:00

The loneliness when you lose a partner is crushing.
Someone else said about men trying to re-create that happiness, it's very true.
I had a new partner in under a year. It was a rebound, and I was treated appallingly by one or two friends, but I needed it.

Iwant2move · 04/04/2021 09:00

As a widow, widowed at 52, I understand why your BIL has started a new relationship. My husband told me to move on and live my life. He would do the same if I died.
When you lose your partner everything changes, everything. The way you eat, sleep, watch TV, listen to music, drive, shop, read, holiday, absolutely everything changes. You become completely discombobulated.
Suddenly you are responsible for everything. You realise how you and your dead partner naturally and unspoken, dropped into various roles and responsibilities within your household. The silence is deafening and all consuming. You long, crave, yearn for normality again.
I am incredibly sorry for your loss. You must miss your sister terribly and be angry because you can’t replace her. Your grief is unique. Your BIL’s is unique to him too. You have both suffered a terrible loss. Try to honour your sister’s wishes and channel your anger with him elsewhere.
Prioritise your grief and be the best Auntie those children could wish for. Pass no judgement about BIL’s choices. Chances are the relationship won’t last. Don’t compromise your relationship with those lovely children.
I hope I am making sense. I am just trying to explain from the widow’s side. Grief is selfish. I am so very sorry for your loss.

Bagelsandbrie · 04/04/2021 09:03

I think the ages of the children are paramount here.

EnglishRain · 04/04/2021 09:03

I would feel the same as you OP. It's more the introducing of the new gf to the children so early that would bother me. Even in a divorce or separation I would feel that's very early to be introducing a partner for overnight stays. It is what it is though, if you can, try to park everything to do with the new gf and just focus on your nieces and nephews. Their connection with you will be so important, as they grow they will want to ask about their mummy and you have known her from the very beginning, so who better placed to tell them all they may want to know?

As another poster said the new gf may have come along early but she may still be around in 10+ years and the timing was just rubbish. You don't have to throw yourself into getting to know her or anything, just try not to fall out over it, grief is so bloody awful and a lot of your feelings will be coming from there x

DaphneBridgerton · 04/04/2021 09:06

I would feel exactly the same. It's too soon, especially to introduce her to the children. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I do agree with the advice about not falling out with him or burning any bridges, purely for the sake of your nieces and nephews.

DeusEx · 04/04/2021 09:09

@GnomeDePlume

I am sorry for your loss and also for your BiL's loss.

Grief is so complicated and anger is one of the emotions which gets mixed in with the sorrow. Relief and guilt are also in the soup especially if the death is after an illness.

Someone described grief as like being given a stone you have to carry. At first the stone is heavy and sharp. If you carry it in your hands it cuts and grazes. If you put it in your pocket it bangs against you. Over time you get used to the weight, you walk a little differently to manage the burden. From much touching the stone gets smoother and doesnt cut so much. The stone is always there and will sometimes catch you when you least expect it.

This is such a lovely and accurate way of describing bereavement.

Sillyduckseverywhere · 04/04/2021 09:09

@Iwant2move

As a widow, widowed at 52, I understand why your BIL has started a new relationship. My husband told me to move on and live my life. He would do the same if I died. When you lose your partner everything changes, everything. The way you eat, sleep, watch TV, listen to music, drive, shop, read, holiday, absolutely everything changes. You become completely discombobulated. Suddenly you are responsible for everything. You realise how you and your dead partner naturally and unspoken, dropped into various roles and responsibilities within your household. The silence is deafening and all consuming. You long, crave, yearn for normality again. I am incredibly sorry for your loss. You must miss your sister terribly and be angry because you can’t replace her. Your grief is unique. Your BIL’s is unique to him too. You have both suffered a terrible loss. Try to honour your sister’s wishes and channel your anger with him elsewhere. Prioritise your grief and be the best Auntie those children could wish for. Pass no judgement about BIL’s choices. Chances are the relationship won’t last. Don’t compromise your relationship with those lovely children. I hope I am making sense. I am just trying to explain from the widow’s side. Grief is selfish. I am so very sorry for your loss.

This is a great description. The silence. Oh god the silence! I had to buy pets just so there would be movement in my house other than myself

DeusEx · 04/04/2021 09:10

And I’m so sorry for your loss, OP.

ChristinaYang10 · 04/04/2021 09:10

I don’t take issue with his dating again really. But having her sleep over so soon with the kids. Having us all meet her. It’s too much, it’s not sensitive. It’s very painful.

I agree with your comment about it maybe being too soon for the children. And I understand how it may seem insensitive for him to have introduced you, but (and you’ll know him better to know if this is likely) could he maybe have actually been trying to be more sensitive? Maybe he didn’t want to feel like he was hiding it from you, and wanted to show you that he’s not shutting you out etc?

Boom45 · 04/04/2021 09:10

Maybe someone very very different from your sister is what the family needs right now. Not to forget her, but because they know they cannot replicate her. And maybe, what you see as "borish" and "bull in a China shop" they see as fun and outgoing and someone who takes them away from their grief for a moment?
Its gotta be so hard for you OP, but the best (and only) thing you can do is stay close with your nephews and neices and not alienate their dad.

SPLUGSYMALONE · 04/04/2021 09:17

Please read what @Iwant2move has posted above.

Your BIL has suffered a huge loss, the person he lived with, loved, held, had DC with has gone.

That time may be counted in months, but what if each hour without her feels like years to him?

What if the house seems empty, the days silent, the bed too wide, the To Do list too long & the need to be held, soothed, loved too great to let a potential love interest go by?

What if a new partner in his life allows him to smile, sleep, have something to get up for in the morning, plan, see a life worth living?

Do you really begrudge him that?

MsShopper · 04/04/2021 09:24

OP, I just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss. I lost my sister 7 months ago after a short terminal illness, and the pain is unbearable at times. I can’t imagine what this must be doing to you. All I can say is (as I’m sure you are) be there for your sister’s beautiful children - be the constant in their lives that they need in such a time of turmoil. (I also lost my mum when my littlest sibling was just 10, so sadly I have some experience of that side of things too.)

icelollycraving · 04/04/2021 09:28

Some very touching posts about loss, I’m so sorry for yours op.
I think men do move on quickly, I would find this very difficult to cope with. Perhaps it’s better that she isn’t like your sister, not a replica. How old are the dc? Maybe it lightens things for them, having a different energy too. Are they having any kind of bereavement counselling?

m0therofdragons · 04/04/2021 09:29

I get you’re pain. I think when you lose someone you live with you process the loss differently than those of us who only saw the person a few times a week or less. Life rarely goes to plan and he will have felt incredible pain so try to take comfort he’s found someone he can be happy with. It’s okay that she’s different - I imagine he didn’t want someone similar as that would hurt. It is a sign that he a was happy in a relationship with your sister.

My uncle dated my aunt’s best friend soon after my aunt died. I saw it coming, she was all over him at the funeral and it was uncomfortable watching her manipulate her way in. I will never be here biggest fan but I would never want him to feel lonely. He lost the love of his life, mother of his child, and I want him to be happy so I keep my hurt and distrust of his new women hidden.

fizzandchips · 04/04/2021 09:31

OP I’m so sorry for your loss. There was a lovely previous thread about a widow who unexpectedly started dating after her young husband died. She didn’t expect to fall in love so soon afterwards. It might give you an insight in to the mixed emotions she felt, which were still very raw. I’ll try and find the thread.

Branleuse · 04/04/2021 09:31

You cant stop him.
I think id make more effort to keep your relationship with your neices and nephews strong and seperate to their dad.
Your sister can never be replaced for those children. They wont forget her.

WiseOwlOne · 04/04/2021 09:33

@CateTown I was validating it.

LakieLady · 04/04/2021 09:35

I lost my partner 5 months ago. I'm sure if I got into a new relationship and it made me happy, my SIL would be happy that I was happy.

CupoTeap · 04/04/2021 09:35

@MinesAPintOfTea

Would it comfort you to hear that most widowers who get into a new relationship after their wife's death, do so because they had had a happy marriage? It's the unhappy ones who don't look for someone new.

And sorry for your loss

Rubbish

Oblomov21 · 04/04/2021 09:35

Men move on quicker normally. They just do. Not all. But most.

Karwomannghia · 04/04/2021 09:35

I’m so sorry for your loss. Sounds like rebound. Don’t burn your bridges with him because those kids will want to see their auntie and don’t need more upset. You don’t have to like her, just tolerate her and make sure you keep in contact with the children, have them over etc and you can talk about their mum when they’re ready and want to, when they’re with you.

Original poster

germinal · 04/04/2021 09:36

Sillyduckseverywhere and Iwant2move

I am very very sorry for your losses. I am so glad to hear you found joy again. Life is for living. I know that’s true 😔

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 17 18