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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother in law’s new partner after sisters death

429 replies

germinal · 04/04/2021 05:55

My sister died less than 9 months ago. My brother in law has a new partner who he has been seeing for at least 4 months. My nieces and nephews (his kids) know her now, she stays over. She’s the opposite of my sister but she shares her first name. I can’t stop crying

OP posts:
DinoHat · 04/04/2021 07:48

I can understand why you’re upset. Assuming new gf is a good and kind person, it’s probably a nicer atmosphere for the kids to see their Dad happy and content than grieving.

Don’t forget she isn’t a replacement Mother. She’s a woman spending time with your n&n and dating their Dad. It’s very early days and I’m sure the kids will never forget their Mother.

SweatyBetty20 · 04/04/2021 07:50

@ShesMadeATwatOfMePam is absolutely right - they will never forget their mum. They might not verbalise this, sometimes they’ll just think about her quietly. Why not make a photo album for each of them for them to keep in their rooms and look at it when they need to? My mum died when I was young and I’m now 48 - I still think of her every single day.

GnomeDePlume · 04/04/2021 07:53

I am sorry for your loss and also for your BiL's loss.

Grief is so complicated and anger is one of the emotions which gets mixed in with the sorrow. Relief and guilt are also in the soup especially if the death is after an illness.

Someone described grief as like being given a stone you have to carry. At first the stone is heavy and sharp. If you carry it in your hands it cuts and grazes. If you put it in your pocket it bangs against you. Over time you get used to the weight, you walk a little differently to manage the burden. From much touching the stone gets smoother and doesnt cut so much. The stone is always there and will sometimes catch you when you least expect it.

ivykaty44 · 04/04/2021 07:54

I really feel for you, it’s awful to be grieving your sister.

I would think your brother in law was very lost and perhaps has rushed into a relationship on the rebound, in his grieving he has looked for comfort in someone else.

Personally not a great move in my opinion, but each to their own and to be honest I’d not want to be a woman dating a man who’s just list his wife. But on the other hand for now she may be just what the family need to hold them together. Being the opposite from your sister will hopefully be better.

TracyHorrobin · 04/04/2021 07:58

Perhaps she isn't opposite to your sister in some ways. But they may be ways that only a man and a woman in an intimate relationship may know. You new your sister as a sister. It must be made even more difficultbecause she shares your sister's name. Is there a shortened form you could use or even an initial, for example, Bee, Dee?
Sending you healing thoughts. I hope your pain eases soon.

Ginger1982 · 04/04/2021 07:59

I think I'd be concerned for the new girlfriend. I can't imagine being with a man who had lost his wife less than a year ago and had grieving children. What a situation to come into. Perhaps you might find, in time, she is just what they all need. But I totally understand that doesn't stop how you feel and I reckon I'd feel the same.

Brunt0n · 04/04/2021 08:02

I do think that’s too fast to move on, more for the children’s sake. The same name must be like a dagger, how unfortunate.

And i’m so sorry for your loss, it’s never easy to lose someone but this year has been a dreadful time to be mourning, with so little support Flowers I am sure that you will maintain a close relationship with your nieces and nephews and they’ll cherish that link with their mum.

mdh2020 · 04/04/2021 08:25

We have a close friend who was widowed and left with two young children. He had nursed and supported his wife but when she dies he was desperately lonely. Within two years he had met and married another woman and they are very happy. Several people dropped him as they didn’t like the fact that he had actively sought a new relationship. We stuck with him and are glad we did. One of the things I said at the time was ‘if the children are happy and accepting her, why should we quibble with his choice?’. Unfortunately life goes on and life is for living. Time passes very quickly. Why not try to be pleased for him and try to accept the new woman in his life. It doesn’t mean he has stopped loving your sister, but that she taught him how to be a good parent and partner.

TheMerryWidow1 · 04/04/2021 08:36

I promise you, with you around your sister will never be forgotten.

Original poster
germinal · 04/04/2021 08:36

I’m so worried I am going to lose them forever. The new girlfriend just seems so awful. But perhaps that’s just my grief?

My sister was so private, so humble and gracious. She would be mortified that they now parade down the Main Street of our small town, her little duckilings in tow completely lost 😔

You are all so sweet to respond. Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
germinal · 04/04/2021 08:38

I don’t take issue with his dating again really. But having her sleep over so soon with the kids. Having us all meet her. It’s too much, it’s not sensitive. It’s very painful.

OP posts:
WiseOwlOne · 04/04/2021 08:39

That must be so hard. A woman would be pasted on mn for moving so quickly.

year5teacher · 04/04/2021 08:42

@germinal

I don’t take issue with his dating again really. But having her sleep over so soon with the kids. Having us all meet her. It’s too much, it’s not sensitive. It’s very painful.
You’re right; this is ridiculous. I think I’d refuse to meet her if it was my sister, and I don’t care if that’s rational or not. Absolutely no way would I be ready to see my sister’s children with a new woman. I don’t think you can begrudge your bil moving on, although I would find it incredibly hard. I do, however, think it’s far too soon for him to be introducing her to the family, staying over with the kids?! It feels as though he has put his own needs first. Yes he has lost his wife and I can’t imagine what that must be like, but everyone is grieving here.
WiseOwlOne · 04/04/2021 08:42

And as it's only been 9 months, id wonder how soon he was looking
He has not only found somebody but found her long enough ago to invite her to sleep over.

I couldnt cope with this scenario without crying either @germinal

That doesnt help you but I think being very upset is the predictable, logical, rational response to what's happening. Xxx

Springchickpea · 04/04/2021 08:43

One of my best school friends died tragically from an aggressive cancer a few years ago. We were still in our late 20s, it was horrendous and shocking. Her husband moved on publicly about 9 months later, although I understand probably sooner in private. At first I was appalled, but then I realised it wasn’t actually my business and I didn’t hold the definition of ‘appropriate’ morning time. They are still together and to all appearances a very happy and strong blended family unit.

This is your sister, so obviously you do feel it is your business, but there isn’t a lot you can do. You would probably always feel it was too soon, and probably always struggle to adapt to someone seemingly stepping into your sister’s shoes. It’s not possible, she can’t. People will always remember who came first. But if she’s willing to take on the kids and nurture them that would be my main concern.

Springchickpea · 04/04/2021 08:44

*mourning

TeapotCollection · 04/04/2021 08:44

Agree WiseOwlOne

💐 for you OP, I understand how hard this is. My Dad got someone else 4 fucking weeks after we lost Mum. They’d been married 50 years

jessstan2 · 04/04/2021 08:44

@MinesAPintOfTea

Would it comfort you to hear that most widowers who get into a new relationship after their wife's death, do so because they had had a happy marriage? It's the unhappy ones who don't look for someone new.

And sorry for your loss Flowers

I agree.

It does seem a bit soon but he hasn't moved her in and you don't know that it will last, rebound relationships often don't. However he must have been so devastated and lonely after losing your sister, nobody can blame him for seeking some comfort.

I presume the children are not 'small' and are living their own lives (correct me if i'm wrong). If they accept her that is what matters. They will never forget their mother, honestly, and the fact that the new lady is different to their mum is a good thing. Her name being the same is not important. Remember, life goes on.

Please accept her and the relationship, you don't have to be bosom buddies overnight, you are still grieving for your sister.

I am so sorry for your loss.

WiseOwlOne · 04/04/2021 08:45

I think is incredibly naive to agree to meet the DC as well. I dated a bit before i totally gave up but who would insouciantly agree to meeting children who lost their Mum 9 months ago. Is there no adult between the two of them?

NOTANUM · 04/04/2021 08:46

We have experience of this in our wider family. In our case it was a very sudden and unexpected death.
The SIL moved on very quickly and had a boyfriend within months. It was very hard for the family to process but the kids seemed to accept it.
For the sake of harmony and keeping access, the family all kept schtum and didn't say a word. It's just as well as they're together years later and the family also have a good relationship with the kids.
I don't blame you one bit for finding it hard though Flowers

Mistressinthetulips · 04/04/2021 08:48

In terms of being there for your sister's dc, falling out with your bil would be a very bad idea. This will involve quite a lot of tongue biting, but it is for the best. She may not be around for long, but an argument could stay longer.

WiseOwlOne · 04/04/2021 08:48

@TeapotCollection omg how to make you feel like your mum was a battery, so replaceable 😥😥

Original poster
germinal · 04/04/2021 08:49

She is putting pictures of them on social media. It’s awful.

My sister was everything kind and quiet. This one is just a boorish bull in a China shop. I’m so worried for this kids. I love them so much.

Anyway thank you so much everyone.

So kind of you to be so lovely and take time to reapind

OP posts:
JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 04/04/2021 08:50

Men seem to move on so quickly after a partner's death. 9 months is far too quick to introduce a new woman to replace their mum. What a prick

WeekendCEO · 04/04/2021 08:52

I’m very sorry for your loss.

I would feel the same. I think it would be too soon to introduce a new partner if your sister and BIL had just split up but with the circumstances, it is even worse. I think the children need time with their dad, just them, to find a new way to be ok. I think your BIL should be focusing on his children and himself, not a new relationship. I wouldn’t want to be the new partner in this scenario either. I would want the other person to take time to grieve properly.

You can’t control what BIL does though. Try to be there as much as your can for your nieces and nephews. I think they will appreciate you being a link to their lovely mum now and in the future. And take care of yourself too. I hope you have some good support around. Again, I am very sorry for your loss.

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