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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother in law’s new partner after sisters death

429 replies

germinal · 04/04/2021 05:55

My sister died less than 9 months ago. My brother in law has a new partner who he has been seeing for at least 4 months. My nieces and nephews (his kids) know her now, she stays over. She’s the opposite of my sister but she shares her first name. I can’t stop crying

OP posts:
Benjispruce2 · 04/04/2021 09:36

Totally get it. Yanbu.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 04/04/2021 09:37

I’d be very upset too OP. Nine months is nothing, far too soon for them to have a new partner introduced after a relationship breakdown let alone a bereavement imo.

I’d ensure I was there for the children both now and in the future. My friend is NC now with her mother for doing something similar when she was a child.

NinthCircle · 04/04/2021 09:38

@eatsleepread

YANBU and I think your BIL is being pathetic. I'd perhaps feel differently if he was on his own, but his choices must be so confusing for the children.

Above all else though, I am so sorry for the loss of your sister Thanks

Yes, exactly. Grieving for their mother and Daddy’s new girlfriend staying over after a few months? That indicates incredibly poor judgement.
Lampzade · 04/04/2021 09:39

Sorry to all those who have lost someone

Livelovebehappy · 04/04/2021 09:41

YANBU to be upset about it. It must be devastating for you to have lost your sister, and whilst you’re still grieving, to see her DH move on with someone else. Men don’t cope well with being alone. They say that’s why men will stay in unhappy marriages and only usually leave for an affair partner as they would rather stay in an unhappy marriage than leave and live alone. I hope his new partner is lovely, and that you and your family will be very much part of their lives going forward.

Prisonbreak · 04/04/2021 09:41

There is no set timeline as to when it’s acceptable to make these moves after a death. This would hurt you no matter when he met someone else. However it’s not fair for you to decide for someone else how they grieve. I hope you are ok and understand this doesn’t erase her memory

fizzandchips · 04/04/2021 09:42

Dating again (gulp) after being widowed - is the name of the thread it’s in Classics.
I can’t imagine your pain. I’m sure others will have more advice, you won’t let your sister’s memory be forgotten.
Small things really make a difference. Saying “oh I love your t-shirt, your mum loved that colour”, texting when you hear a song that reminds you so much of her you cry - tell them the song and share why she loved it/why it reminds you of her. “Your mum loved Christmas cake, but hated the marzipan” as you sit at Christmas lunch. These little snippets of your sister will build such a picture for them and hopefully, in time, help you too.

Fairyliz · 04/04/2021 09:42

Sorry for your loss op, but being old and cynical I would say he finds it cheaper than employing a nanny and housekeeper.
All the women I have known who have been widowed or divorced managed to work and look after their children whilst also keeping their house clean and tidy.
None of the men I know have done this they just move another woman in to sort it all out.

Oblomov21 · 04/04/2021 09:43

Less than 9 months. Seeing her for at least 4 months. Come on. That's super speedy. He didn't hang about did he?
Less than a month after the funeral he started looking? Come on. This is disgusting.

seriousandloyal · 04/04/2021 09:43

I'm so sorry for your loss OP and I think I would feel exactly the same as you in your position. I think the best thing to do would be not to fall out with BIL over it and just be there for the kids as they will need you as a constant presence in their lives. Good luck.

Apandemicyousay · 04/04/2021 09:49

I am so sorry- This happened to a friend of mine, lost her sister to cancer with two young children, and her husband introduced new girlfriend to family at 9 months. My friend whilst devastated realised she had to be there for the kids, and play a long game, to keep memories alive but also ready for teenage years assuming they might go off the rails a bit. She offers to have them for a few days every school holiday which they all love, and years later they’ve found a groove. She and her parents have had to bite her lip so many times over years, but are also so desperate not to jeopardise relationship with the kids. She’s recognised he was devastated and they went through similar anger. She recognises a few years later the kids are happy and loved, and the new wife is generally a good egg. Interestingly she and her parents agreed they needed to accept new wife to protect the kids, but many old friends of her sister really can’t and feel he’s betrayed their friend. It’s a complex dynamic. I wish you peace in future and strength to get there x

Moonwhite · 04/04/2021 09:49

And my sister made me promise I would keep her memory alive for the kids, I feel like I can not honour that promise with this woman now such a big presence in their life

That will be something you do over a lifetime. I wouldn't worry about it now. Their mother will be constantly in their thoughts. It will be years in the future that you will be able to help them remember her.

But I don't think you're wrong to be shocked that a new woman is staying in your sister's home 9 months after her death. But then I was thinking about what would be appropriate - a year? It's arbitrary really. You meet someone when you meet someone. I think the main thing is that she likes the children. Maybe having a loud personality around at the moment is a good distraction for them.

Outbutnotoutout · 04/04/2021 09:53

How old are the children?

LakieLady · 04/04/2021 09:54

No-one who hasn't been through it can begin to understand the gaping void that losing a partner leaves behind.

I can entirely understand why some people seek a new partner soon afterwards, and good luck to them.

It wouldn't do for me, because I would constantly be comparing them to my DP and they would fall short, but I wouldn't dream of judging anyone who does find some sort of balm and even happiness from a new relationship soon after bereavement.

Outbutnotoutout · 04/04/2021 09:54

So sorry for your loss, it must be so hard to see him move on so quickly, when you are grieving your sister x

notanothersaveusername · 04/04/2021 09:55

Is it possible to speak to your BIl in private to see his take on things. It sounds as though he has this new relationship with someone totally opposite to your sister as a way of blocking out his feelings of loss.

Original poster
germinal · 04/04/2021 09:56

The children are all small. 3, 7.
, 9, 11

OP posts:
Standrewsschool · 04/04/2021 09:57

Was your sister ill for a long time before she died. Maybe your bil did his grieving then.

Regarding posting photos, why don’t you speak to bil and request her to stop doing this.

Original poster
germinal · 04/04/2021 09:59

I’m not judging him, as such. I find it very painful and I don’t know how to manage it. It think trying to integrate her so soon into our lives is too much too soon.

I suspect he began seeing her pretty soon after my sister died. She is an ex girlfriend, my sister used to joke about her always Facebook messaging bil etc. she was in a long term relationship (10 years) when my sister died and all of a sudden they broke up a few days later.

None of that is my business. But it makes me sad for my beautiful sister.

OP posts:
Oblomov21 · 04/04/2021 09:59

OMG
4?
So young.

Fucking Hell.
Sad

lollipoprainbow · 04/04/2021 10:00

My bil met a new woman about a year after her death and they are engaged so know how you are feeling. We're not in touch any more but my cousin is godmother to my sisters son so hears things through him, we seem to have been cut adrift! It's painful but I suppose understandable, my sister did tell him to meet someone else.

Totallyfedup1979 · 04/04/2021 10:00

This is so sad. I would however bet that whilst it may seem he’s moving on, he will be juggling that with his own grief. He probably doesn’t want to be alone.

It’s such a tragic thing to happen, to lose a partner or mother so young, when you have a little family. And you sister sounds as though she held you all together. She’d want you all to be happy.

I’m so sorry for your loss, but this new woman cannot ever erase the memory of your sister, their mother, his wife. She’ll always be there.

Original poster
germinal · 04/04/2021 10:01

standrewsschool she had cancer for only 18months. It was terminal from the beginning but she was only really “sick” the last eight weeks.

She was so gracious and lovely. It’s so painful

OP posts:
Oblomov21 · 04/04/2021 10:02

This is getting worse.
Ex, messaging all the time? Just waiting, hardly even in the wings, to jump right in?

SirVixofVixHall · 04/04/2021 10:04

I am so sorry OP.
I think it is very insensitive of your BIl to do this, and really thoughtless in terms of the children - What if they grow fond of her and then they split up ? I can only think he is in the stage of grief during the first year where you go a bit mad. A friend of mine had a huge crush on someone she worked with, only a month or two after her DH died. The man was obviously a disaster as a boyfriend, it didn’t go anywhere and she was really rather bonkers at the time but she had been through this huge trauma. Maybe he is similar ?
Do as much alone with the children as you can, try and get some one on one time with each of them.