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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I could be harming my baby?

185 replies

silicageldonoteat · 03/04/2021 20:25

Long time lurker, occasional poster, name changed for this.

I have a 5 week old baby. After a traumatic delivery my milk was delayed coming in and we ended up readmitted to hospital with weight loss and had to top up with formula.
Since then, I have been breast feeding every 3 hours and topping up with expressed milk or formula if I haven’t managed to express enough.
My little one has only put on 10g in the past few days and is only just back above birthweight. I was hoping that we would be able to move towards EBF but obviously that’s not on the table at the moment. I’m devastated that breastfeeding isn’t working out for us as I’d hoped.
The feed/top up/express cycle is brutal, but I could carry it on if there were light at the end of the tunnel. As it stands, I don’t think there is. I can’t help thinking that my baby would be better off with a mum that wasn’t totally miserable all the time, particularly when trying to breastfeed, who had some time to spend playing/talking/bonding - and that maybe it’s time to stop and switch to full formula. But on the other hand, surely some breast milk is better than none? I feel like whatever I choose is not doing what’s best for them.

OP posts:

TheGriffle · 03/04/2021 20:27

Congratulations on your baby. Can I ask why you are feeding to a 3 hourly schedule? Babies should be fed on demand. This may be why they’re not gaining as much if you are scheduling feeds.

Original poster

silicageldonoteat · 03/04/2021 20:28

I feed them sooner if they are hungry, but have been told not to let them go longer than 3 hours

OP posts:

buttonsandbobbinses · 03/04/2021 20:29

It's so tough at the beginning, whatever you do your baby will be grand so don't worry about that part. You will never not do what is best for your child.

Why are you expressing? Can you just feed and feed and feed to get the supply up. You can then settle down with Netflix and some snacks and drinks and just chill with the baby stuck to you for a while. It's so so tough I know.

DancingDunes · 03/04/2021 20:29

Gently YABU you're not harming your baby. 5 week old don't need playing etc and feeding them is bonding time. If you want to breastfeed do carry on. My first took ages to put weight on but she did gain weight. We EBF for the first 6 months and fed until 12. She lost quite a lot at teh start but slowly crept back to birth weight. Even now at 6 she's small for her age so I think she was always meant to be petite. You are doing a great job don't stress and feed as much as you can/want.

GreenSlide · 03/04/2021 20:30

I struggled with trying to BF, pumping and making too ups for 8 weeks. It's too hard to do all that. The baby won't suffer from you being miserable, but you will. Give yourself a break and just FF, really breastmilk is not the be all and end all. You've tried your best and that's more than enough. Your baby will be absolutely fine, and will thrive and be happy on formula. Take care of yourself and enjoy this bit, it's pretty good when you let go and stop flogging the dead horse and realise things will be alright!

glasshalfsomething · 03/04/2021 20:30

This is not an all or nothing decision. You can continue to combi feed until baby learns to feed from the breast easier.

Have you had any advice on feeding? Is baby feeding efficiently enough?

Why not switch to one breast feed then one bottle feed, then back to breast for next one? Removed the need for top ups!

buttonsandbobbinses · 03/04/2021 20:30

I just literally fed everytime my baby whimpered, sometimes she'd be on for 10 mins sometimes just chilling there for an hour so I chilled with her.

HeeeeeyBogie · 03/04/2021 20:31

If you think swapping to formula is what you need to do, then do so. Honestly do you know how the people around you were fed as babies?
You are doing so much for your baby, which shows you love them and this is what matters. You are going great really so don't be so hard on yourself. Baby needs and loves you.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 03/04/2021 20:31

First and foremost your baby being fed is the most important thing. And you being happy is a very close second. Expressing is completely brutal. Yes some breastmilk may be better than none but you've already done a whole month! Lots of children don't have that, you've done an amazing thing. And presumably you'd have to have the occasional feed while you stopped so your boobs don't explode. I'd bin off the expressing, do the odd breastfeed and switch to formula for the rest and if breastfeeding tails off completely then thats fine.

Feeding is one of the things that seems so important when they are babies and completely irrelevant by the time they are a toddler

Champagneandmonstermunch · 03/04/2021 20:33

Which ever you choose will be fine for them. Your baby has already had 5 weeks of breast milk, which is great. If you want to swap to formula now then do, without any guilt. I struggled with breast feeding, and swapped to formula at 3 weeks. At the time it felt like a massive big deal, but years down the line, I realise it really wasn't.

LouiseTrees · 03/04/2021 20:33

So I was a combi feeder. They say you need 10 feeding or pumping sessions a day to fully breastfeed but I decided after a while just to do 4 or 5, first thing, round about lunch, round about 5 and last thing in the day. She was around 40 percent expressed breastfed, and the rest being formula. You can do what you like and combi feeding is always an option, i eventually gradually cut down to no expressing when she was about 15 months. Combi feeding is an option that you can choose what to do. I’m not going to pretend I had great supply but I still feel she got some benefits of breastfeeding.

OwlinaTree · 03/04/2021 20:34

Give some breast milk and some formula? Mixed feeding? Kelly moms is a good site for advice on breast feeding I found. However....

Breast feeding is great but it should be adding to your relationship with your baby not making it feel stressful and harder than it already is being a new mom.

It's fine to change to formula if that's the best for you both. If you can continue to breast feed a little bit and give a bottle that's fine too. Congratulate yourself on what you've achieved and don't feel guilty.

My children are 7 and 4. No one cares how they were fed as babies. Literally no one ever asks.

Good luck op, and congratulations on your baby.

TaraR2020 · 03/04/2021 20:34

Oh op, you're a wonderful mum, you've just been through an emotionally and physically bruising time. Your dd is very lucky to have you!

All you need to be doing is keeping your baby safe and well, she is fed and warm and comforted and so you're doing a brilliant job.

Please, please don't feel guilty for having difficulties with feeding or for struggling emotionally- every mother does!

Your baby is not going to suffer if you switch to formula only so I would suggest doing whatever it is that is going to help you feel better. If switching to formula is going to help you rest and heal and take the pressure of then do so. Your baby is going to be fine.

Some babies don't gain weight as consistently as one would hope, yours certainly won't be the only one. Chat with your health visitor to make sure dd is OK and if they think anything specific will help.

In the meantime, whatever you choose is right decision for you both

Fluffingheck · 03/04/2021 20:34

I had an absolutely horrible time trying to BF my eldest. And was so determined that I was going to BF that I would have blood running down my stomach from the horrendous splits in my nipples. When the GP told me I had to stop to let them heal, I cried. And then he wouldn't take a bottle, even if it was expressed. It was incredibly stressful and difficult. When I had my second, I gave them some formula right from the start, even though BF was much easier second time round. I look back now and realise that I wasn't thinking rationally, and I was so obsessed with exclusively BF that I wasn't thinking straight, and I made myself ill with infections etc as a result. My baby did put weight on, because he never stopped feeding, and I never got a break from. I would say to give yourself a break, and if you don't want to go to just formula, start alternating with formula, which hopefully will mean that you have more milk when you are BF. Good luck, it's very hard.

Siennabear · 03/04/2021 20:35

Have you tried feeding more often? At that age my fed at least every hour if awake. They didn’t go 3 hours between feeds until after 6 months old.

picklemewalnuts · 03/04/2021 20:36

I don't want to undermine any advice you've been given by people who have seen you and your baby. What I say is just going to be a possibility.

Your tiny baby had a traumatic birth and perhaps hasn't quite 'woken up' yet. You are a very new mum, just getting to grips with it all. There is no 'ought' about playing and bonding.

You can sit with your baby latched on and bond, you can bond at nappy change time and at bed time. You can bond when your baby is asleep! Gazing at your little miracle and marvelling at every little detail while being thankful they are asleep is absolutely fine!

Look after yourself. As your baby is taking a bottle, make sure you get some sleep. Eat well, drink well and rest.

Your baby is putting weight on now, so that's a great start. You can sit and suckle constantly, if you can, as that's what will build your supply.

Pumping is a pain in the arse- better to feed on the breast as much as you can, and top up with formula if they are already taking it.

You are not hurting your baby. You are just learning!

mynameiscalypso · 03/04/2021 20:37

My midwife told me that the first few days were the most important; I switched to FF after five days (with her support) and it made everything so much better. I hated BFing and it made me resent my baby. FF meant that I could actually enjoy spending time with him. It's a very personal decision and different people will make a different choice in the same circumstances. Whatever you do, you're doing the best for your baby.

MiniCooperLover · 03/04/2021 20:38

To be honest OP some people just cannot BF. I was one of them. I had a C section a week before expected, baby came, no milk whatsoever, not even a sniff of any. I tried and persevered with midwives help and formula for 4 weeks but nothing happened. I was really shocked as I had generously sized boobs all my life so right or wrongly I thought it would be ok but ... nothing. Not a single drop and not a leak. So onto formula he went and it was great and he thrived and slept fine.

I'm genuinely sorry it hasn't worked for you but I feel maybe it's time for you to move on and help the child to formula. Good luck.

SnackSizeRaisin · 03/04/2021 20:39

If bf is making you miserable then give it up. However you can continue to mix feed indefinitely, you could just give up the expressing but carry on breastfeeding along with formula top ups. That would give you the best of both worlds, bf can be really useful to have as a comfort tool even if not the only source of food. Personally I would not worry about exclusive breast feeding and would drop the expressing.
Can you contact a local breastfeeding support volunteer? Your health visitor or gp should be able to point you in the right direction.

Misspacorabanne · 03/04/2021 20:42

I may get shot down for this, but I honestly thing if it's upsetting you this much, and your worried baby isn't getting enough then I would switch to formula. I think a newborn is seriously hard enough without the extra stress and worry.
I couldn't breast feed Dc1 as I didn't get a milk supply at all, possibly due to very traumatic birth. It was upsetting at the time, but looking back now, it doesn't matter, we have an amazing bond. Fed is best.

SnackSizeRaisin · 03/04/2021 20:42

Second the Kelly mom's site for sensible advice too

Crazycatlady83 · 03/04/2021 20:45

OP breastfeeding just sometimes doesn’t work out. Feeding for 5 weeks is fantastic. Expressing for a newborn is brutal - you have done amazingly. Give yourself permission without guilt to drop them both if it isn’t working for you and your baby. Your well-being is important here too

The4Seasons · 03/04/2021 20:46

I had a really traumatic birth with my 4th child and my milk didn't come in for 6 weeks so had to combi feed to start with. Had breast fed the others though so I knew I could do it.
Your milk supply may still improve. I found feeding her pretty much constantly or any time she cried helped, though this is pretty exhausting.
Ultimately just feed your baby however you can and whatever works for you both is best. Look after yourself.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/04/2021 20:49

I think you might see a dramatic improvement if you feed much more often. A baby as young as yours should be cluster feeding and shouldn't be on any type of schedule. They pretty much nurse all the time when awake in order to establish your milk supply.

Catherine1210 · 03/04/2021 20:49

I breastfed for 17 weeks with no formula, baby wasn’t putting on weight as he should. Combi fed for 2 weeks, could see how happier and settled he was after a full formula feed, switched to formula, haven’t regretted the decision once. I would really recommend Kendamil brand of formula if you are going to switch full time, they have no palm oil in and don’t use fish oil. The palm oil in most mainstream formulas it what constipates babies. My babies digestion has been no different since the switch to full time formula. I’m kicking myself I did switch him over sooner, it would have been a lot less stressful. Xx

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