To think I could be harming my baby?

[silicageldonoteat]

Long time lurker, occasional poster, name changed for this.

I have a 5 week old baby. After a traumatic delivery my milk was delayed coming in and we ended up readmitted to hospital with weight loss and had to top up with formula.
Since then, I have been breast feeding every 3 hours and topping up with expressed milk or formula if I haven’t managed to express enough.
My little one has only put on 10g in the past few days and is only just back above birthweight. I was hoping that we would be able to move towards EBF but obviously that’s not on the table at the moment. I’m devastated that breastfeeding isn’t working out for us as I’d hoped.
The feed/top up/express cycle is brutal, but I could carry it on if there were light at the end of the tunnel. As it stands, I don’t think there is. I can’t help thinking that my baby would be better off with a mum that wasn’t totally miserable all the time, particularly when trying to breastfeed, who had some time to spend playing/talking/bonding - and that maybe it’s time to stop and switch to full formula. But on the other hand, surely some breast milk is better than none? I feel like whatever I choose is not doing what’s best for them.

@Psychonabike this is really interesting, thank you.
My baby doesn’t seem hungry - unlike previous posters (and unlike when we initially had the weight loss) they’re not screaming/frustrated and settle well after a feed. Maybe they’re just not getting enough goodness.

Thanks everyone for your help. I think I will try to persevere a bit longer and try extra skin to skin etc. Will consider reducing/stopping expressing too as I think that will make things feel a bit more manageable.

Mum of three here. I did mixed feeding with all mine. It was better for them and me- best of both worlds. There is absolutely NOTHING for you to feel guilty about x

No you’re doing the best for your baby, but harming them at all. Do you have access to breastfeeding support? Does the baby latch ok? The right person could handhold you through it, but keep reminding yourself if nappies are good, if the baby’s happy, the weight will come on eventually.

Should read ‘not’ harming them, obviously!!

I haven't read the whole thread, but to encourage you, mine was very slow feeding and had to be topped up with formula to start with. However she did get better at it in time. We found after a while that she didn't really take the top-up every time, so we stopped topping up every time. The best bit was when she started weaning, at which point we stopped topping up at all. (It was quite funny - friends were struggling to get their babies to take a bottle ready for them going back to work, while I was going "yesss, no more bottles!")

I can't guarantee that your little one will get better at it, but don't give up because they might!

You're doing your best OP, what your baby needs is a happy and healthy mum, there's no awards for who has breastfed the longest and sometimes it doesn't work out. I chose not to breastfeed so can't give advice on it. A fed baby is a happy baby, no matter how you achieve it, you sound like you're doing everything you can The first few weeks are tough on anyone OP, nevermind with added worries

@SaveWaterDrinkGin

It’s such a shame that so many people’s first response is ‘just switch to formula’ ‘fed is best etc’. Some people actually want to breastfeed and this is not supportive advice to do so!

OP, there is lots of great advice on this thread about ditching the expressing, get skin to skin with your baby and feed on demand. If, after all that, you decide to formula feed, that’s entirely your choice. Your baby will be absolutely fine. But if you don’t want to give up breastfeeding, don’t! Expressing is hard work and it’d be the first thing I’d ditch. I primarily chose to breastfeed because of how easy it is once it’s established, but it’s very time consuming in the beginning. Doing that on top of expressing and preparing formula must be exhausting. You’re doing so well, be kind to yourself.

Yeah, most of us giving that advice have been through it, tried the tips about eating oats and turmeric and skin to skin which didn't work and then decided rather than stave our babies, just to formula feed them and realised it is fine. More than fine - it's good. Feels good to have a happy, fed baby who sleeps and doesn't cry all the time. And so we want to spread the word, and we will, and no amount of telling FF mums to shut up is going to force people to feed babies the way you want them to. Some of us care about the impact on mothers of having BF shoved down their throat.

Happy mum equals happy baby. And if giving her some formula is the way to achieve it, then do it. A fed baby is best, no matter how it's done.

Ah this is so tough, well done for persevering so far! With my first I had a very similar experience to you, and felt constantly torn between switching fully to formula or continuing with top up, all while hoping my supply would one day increase enough so I could exclusively breastfeed. It is dizzying isn’t it. My advice:

1. Fed is best. If that means fully formula feeding then that is absolutely fine!

1. A tracking app can be really useful to keep track of you want to continue combi feeding (I combi fed for 10 months and took the view that any breastmilk was a bonus. For the most part I just continued with small top ups after breastfeeding, but it was rather exhausting).

1. If increasing supply is important to you then consider taking fenugreek. I’ve recently had my second baby and was absolutely amazed that taking fenugreek boosted my supply hugely.

1. Perhaps avoid reading too much from people who are hugely pro-breastfeeding, as I found that to stress me out the most. The message always seemed to be ‘just carry on regardless’ and ‘no one has a low supply’ which I found massively unhelpful. I did have a very low supply with my first, and it’s only now that I have had my second baby that I realise how little milk I had, as now my supply is so much better (likely due to that fact the birth was so much better; I didn’t lose as much blood, didn’t have to take an iron supplement, I’m not quite as sleep deprived, and my body was more prepared!)

Good luck OP, do whatever works for you!

You will not be harming your baby by formula feeding. DS was formula fed from the start and he’s now attending a top Grammar school, getting top grades and doing really well at all the sports they do there. He also has a whole bunch of super active hobbies. He has definitely not been hindered by formula!

Oh and his mental health is spot on too.

m@Hobgoblinz thank you.
I hope you don’t mind me asking how you knew they you had a low supply and the difference the second time around?

@silicageldonoteat
Of course! Though I absolutely don’t want to make you feel like your supply is low, as this may not be the case at all.

The first time I never really felt that my milk had come in. I always thought it didn’t come in until Day 8, but now looking back even that was just the day where I felt some milk was finally there, though I now don’t think there was much.

My boobs never got bigger, and never felt full or harder, whereas now they do if I’ve gone a while without feeding on one side.

I never needed to use breast pads last time, this time I do.

I never felt or saw any let down last time, whereas this time when the milk starts to flow (after a minute/couple of mins of sucking) it sprays out everywhere if the nipple comes out of baby’s mouth.

I rarely actually saw any milk transferring into my baby’s mouth the first time. Sometimes he would be screaming for milk and he’d suck and then pull off and everything looked dry. I remember actually filming it and sending it to a friend who was very pro-breastfeeding. She seemed surprised that there was no visible sign of milk, which is what I had been trying to explain to her for weeks!

My boobs are absolutely massive so it came as a bit of a shock that I had supply issues. I am overweight so perhaps this affected my supply too.

But I wouldn’t want you to infer from my experience that your supply must be low, or that there’s nothing you can do about it. I never sought help from a lactation consultant or anything because I was worried I’d be told it was all fine and I should stop any formula top ups. I felt certain the top ups were necessary, and I was relaxed about formula and didn’t see it as some evil substitute to be avoided!

I know how hard it is when you’re topping up and people say you should just rely on seeing plenty of wet and dirty nappies to prove they’re getting enough milk. It’s impossible to do that when they’re having formula top ups though isn’t it?! Because you constantly feel that it’s probably the top ups that are actually maintaining the nappy output, and you don’t dare stop giving it in case they are starving!

Please don’t feel that you can’t move to exclusive breastfeeding if that’s what you really want to do. But on the other hand if you are happy to carry on with some formula then combi feeding is a great option (and of course so is fully formula feeding!). I loved the flexibility of combi feeding, being able to give a bottle whenever it was more convenient or if we wanted to go out and leave him with grandparents, but also being able to give comfort of the breast whenever needed, and knowing he was still getting breastmilk too. Baby no. 2 is now exclusively breastfed (though also started out with top ups as even though it went better, I still didn’t have an abundant supply) and now won’t take a bottle at all anymore, much to my horror!

I don't think your supply is necessarily the issue if there is low weight gain when also topping up. What breastfeeding support have you had? We might be able to signpost you to more support if we know who's already given advice.

Bear in mind that breastfed babies often don't follow the chart in the red book and it's not always a sign that something's wrong.

Finally, did you say that baby is sometimes unhappy during feeding? Have you looked at the symptoms for silent reflux? DD had that but we didn't realise until 4 months old as it got worse over time (thankfully alleviated by Gaviscon and then fine by the time she could sit up on her own).

First 6-10 weeks is awful for bf but if you can power through it then it gets very easy. Once you've been through it you realise why bf rates are so low and also wonder how the human race even survived because bf can be bloody hard. It will get easier. Feed at the breast as much as possible.

So many great suggestions here OP. We all have such varied experiences, so remember that this is yours and your babies journey, and don’t feel upset if bf doesn’t work. It’s really tough, no matter what you do.

Happy mum is the main thing, and don’t think for a second that it will affect your bond with your baby. It really doesn’t! They just want cuddles at to be responded to at this age. There isn’t much playing just yet. Singing, playing music, baby massage, just relaxing and letting yourself recover.

I’m not going to focus on tips as there are so many here already, I want you to know that you’re body has been through something huge, and you’re adjusting. Hormones all over the place, it really impacts on how you feel. Make sure you have a good network of people in real life to talk to.

Sleep deprivation is awful. It does get better! I promise! So many PPs have given their view on how they regret spending so much time and energy on worrying about what is best.

I agree a fed baby is a happy baby. No matter what that is for you. But I also know the anxiety around is baby feeding enough etc. It’s never that straight forward, but there are lots of options. Including the fact that anyone who has bf can restart at any time, and you can increase/decrease supply. 5 weeks is still quite early to have established a good supply (different for everyone though). You may find it levels out in the next few weeks.

I think you’re doing the right thing by topping up. Try a few approaches, and see what works for you

I haven't had a chance to read all responses, but if BFing is taking its toll then just move to formula. Many people do and you've done so well giving your baby breast milk until now.
So many mums beat themselves up for not BFing but as the PP said, a fed baby is a happy baby! You must look after your own health too.

@KatieKat88 I’ve seen a lactation consultant who thought that things were basically fine.

I don’t think it sounds like reflux.

@Hobgoblinz thanks.
I am worried about my supply - I never had my ‘milk come in’ like everyone describes, although my boobs are bigger now. They never feel engorged and don’t leak. I know lots of people say that this can be normal but I don’t want to be in denial about it and cause more problems.

@silicageldonoteat Hand hold OP I’ve been in your position and I know the feelings you’re describing 😔 I found it so difficult when I was struggling with BF. My baby developed silent reflux, was screaming and crying on the boob, feeding for 30 secs then pulling off crying, and eventually started refusing all together 😓 I have very large boobs and had a big baby and had pelvic injury from late pregnancy. There was no BF support available in hospital because of covid so baby and I mastered one BFing position that I could manage with my injury etc. He would then ONLY feed in this position. And it was lying down so when the reflux kicked in he just couldn’t take it. I started expressing and honestly it was the most stressful few weeks of my life 😓 I felt like I was so attached to my pump and steriliser that I couldn’t enjoy my baby. He was constantly in a bouncer or something while I tried to express round the clock. DH works away from home so I was up every 2 hours in the night, feeding, expressing, sterilising, resettling a refluxy baby. I was exhausted. I was sleeping about 20 minutes every 2 hours through the night. Baby also only sleeps on me in the day so no opportunity to sleep.
In the end I just couldn’t keep up. I was managing to express less and less because I was so run down. I went to the shop and honestly cried at the checkout buying the formula 😔 so ridiculous, I know!! As long as baby is fed it really doesn’t matter whether it’s breast or formula. I have friends that have never tried BF and they have beautiful healthy children. But at that moment in the shop with all the hormones and disappointment, I felt like I was buying acid or something to feed my child 😔 I had just always imagined BF until at least 1.

He’s now the happiest baby I know. He’s a completely different wee boy and I am enjoying him like I should be. Honestly OP, you’re already doing everything right for your baby by looking at weight gain and doing whatever you need to do to keel that up. You sound like and amazing mum. So my advice would be to look after yourself The disappointment at stopping BF is far worse for any determined Mummy than it is for any baby ❤️

@silicageldonoteat just go add...that’s not me suggesting that you should stop BF if you’re not ready to yet. But if it comes to that then just know that it really is fine 😊

My biggest life regret so far is not FF my baby when she was not BF/lost weight/became jaundiced. The latter is what can harm babies (long lasting effects on mine, but that is by no means common) and FF (in the West/safe water supply etc) is completely safe and healthy.

I would strongly suggest looking at the ‘Feb is Best’ website (sorry if already mentioned in the thread).

@silicageldonoteat

It’s hard not to worry about supply when you think things aren’t going all that well. But apparently lots of people don’t experience the usual ‘symptoms’ of feeding, yet still manage absolutely fine. But I know that’s little comfort when you feel there is a supply issue. Perhaps try fenugreek if you do want to try to increase supply? I couldn’t believe the difference and actually wished I’d tried it with my first born. I’m always sceptical of this type of thing but it worked for me. I also found it interesting to read the reviews of the capsules on Amazon. Seems it works for quite a few people!

Give yourself as much of a break as you can, and try not to worry. I was so utterly exhausted with my first that I don’t think my body had chance to recover enough to make lots of milk. It was a vicious circle. With my second I’ve managed to have a lot more sleep, which I think has helped a lot, and I have enjoyed these first few months so much more. I now think perhaps I should have given more formula feeds with my first and allowed myself to rest a bit more and enjoy it.

Another veteran combi feeder here. I didn't choose it, and I hated it for 4 months as it seemed the worst of both worlds. Then dd suddenly got the hang of bf, and once that part wasn't a fight I felt so much better. By 5 months she refused her bottles and sleep went all to hell until my supply caught up. In the end I fed her for 2 years, and for most of that time it was a positive experience.
I have a friend who chose combi, and for her it was the best of both worlds, neither was ever refused and she also bf until 2.
It really doesn't need to be a case of if you want to bf you must kill yourself to eliminate formula asap. You can do it alongside formula and bin off the pumping, or you can bottle feed a mix of ebm and formula, or if you're fed up of the whole thing then just use formula. Your baby, your choice. There is no right or wrong answer, it's about what works for you.

Oh god I'm going to say it. Give that baby a bottle and stop beating yourself up !
Motherhood is hard enough , take the easy route this one time and enjoy your baby . Congratulations.

You're not harming your baby... but don't feed to a schedule. Feed whenever they're hungry. Babies don't need a schedule - and I am saying this to you kindly. Throw away the books/apps whatever it is that's dictating to you when you need to feed, and get to know your own baby.
Good luck.