To think I could be harming my baby?

[silicageldonoteat]

Long time lurker, occasional poster, name changed for this.

I have a 5 week old baby. After a traumatic delivery my milk was delayed coming in and we ended up readmitted to hospital with weight loss and had to top up with formula.
Since then, I have been breast feeding every 3 hours and topping up with expressed milk or formula if I haven’t managed to express enough.
My little one has only put on 10g in the past few days and is only just back above birthweight. I was hoping that we would be able to move towards EBF but obviously that’s not on the table at the moment. I’m devastated that breastfeeding isn’t working out for us as I’d hoped.
The feed/top up/express cycle is brutal, but I could carry it on if there were light at the end of the tunnel. As it stands, I don’t think there is. I can’t help thinking that my baby would be better off with a mum that wasn’t totally miserable all the time, particularly when trying to breastfeed, who had some time to spend playing/talking/bonding - and that maybe it’s time to stop and switch to full formula. But on the other hand, surely some breast milk is better than none? I feel like whatever I choose is not doing what’s best for them.

Apologies if this has been suggested already as I don't have time to rtft.
I wonder if you have considered using an SNS to top up? It's a tiny tube which tapes to your nipple so baby feeds from your brrast and gets a bit extra of the topup milk (whether that is expressed or formula) at the same time as their regular feed. This means that the baby remains latched for the topup so will help stimulate your milk production.
Feel free to ignore if not appropriate for you.
Good luck and remember, you have to do what is right for you both. If your physical and mental health is suffering, your mumming skills will also be suffering and that does not benefit baby. And I say this as a breastfeeding peer supporter and therefore very much pro bf, but sometimes women really need someone to say that it's ok to stop if it's not working for you and your baby.

Thanks OP that makes sense. Are you still in regular contact with the infant feeding team? Who is weighing your baby? Don't forget babies are so much more efficient at removing milk than pumps are so pumping isn't a great indication of supply - my 16 month old is definitely still getting milk but if I try to pump now I get nothing!

@KatieKat88 Not really in touch with them, no - although I could get back in touch now we’ve hit this hurdle.
We’ve been weighing at home as there aren’t any weigh in clinics running at the moment.

It’s more the opposite really - I was worried by the big amount I got this afternoon after not expressing for a few feeds as it suggested to me that the babies aren’t draining the breast and that my supply will drop if I don’t carry on expressing at every feed.

Right it's more likely that you have an oversupply from all of the pumping than that baby is taking less - it takes a little while for supply to adjust. I'd really recommend you get in touch with the infant feeding team again as soon as you can because they'll have the experience to help you decide what to do next. They might recommend that you drop some of the top ups and weigh every few days/each week and monitor nappy output and baby's behaviour in the meantime (are they content, their usual self etc). How old is baby now? I went back to my infant feeding team at 4 months when I was worried about DD's feeding and they helped to diagnose silent reflux and gave great advice (basically told me that was what the problem was and got me down to the GP for meds) so don't feel like you can't go back to them. Hopefully a bit of outside guidance (from professionals rather than just random internet bods like me ) will help you to feel a bit less conflicted about where to go next. You shouldn't have to navigate this on your own!

Just a gentle reminder that it's totally ok to just give formula from now on if you'll be happier. The babies don't mind either way.

OP I feel for you so much. This was me with my first DC. My dad died the day after my DD was born, the grief from which had a physical knock on effect to my body. After 4 weeks of agony(couldn't even wear a Tshirt /bra due to pain 24/7) and bleeding whilst feeding, I finally decided to fully bottle feed. The pressure and guilt I placed on myself whilst deciding to go down this route (I had always intended to BF) was very hard and your OP really reminded me of how I felt at that time.

Fast forward 14 years and my DD is and always has been a very healthy, bright child. I felt so guilty for stopping the BF but it really was the best thing for us. DH was able to bond whilst bottle feeding and I bonded just as easily as I did with my second child who was solely BF for a year.

If you want to perservere, great. If not, please don't punish yourself with guilt. You are doing an amazing job.

For what it's worth, my DD had less bugs, viruses etc than my second, is equally as intelligent and a very slim, healthy child. She has had absolutely no disadvantages from her early feeding. My DS(no 2) caught chickenpox at 7 weeks even though he was entirely BF and I am immune. DD was almost 3 by this point and caught it from him, it was her first illness.

You are not harming your baby with formula if that is the path you choose to take. Look after yourself and enjoy your baby

Hasyour baby been checked for things like tongue tie? Have you made sure their lower lip is fully everted? It does sound like they may not be getting the feeding motion fully right.

@silicageldonoteat hope you're ok? You don't need to reply if you don't want to but just wanted to say I've been thinking of you.

Thanks @KatieKat88
I’m doing ok thanks. For the moment I’ve decided that we can carry on as we are but with slightly larger top ups - feeding seems to be improving and weight gain has started to pick up a little too. I’m beginning to make peace with the fact that we probably won’t ever get to EBF but for the time being, every little bit of breast milk has to be a good thing.
Thanks again.

That's great to hear - I know it's hard when you had a goal in mind with feeding and it doesn't go the way you thought it would. We moved to EBF (obviously alongside solids) at 7 months so never say never that was when she started dropping feeds and I found it more manageable so of course it's a different situation. But I think it's often a bit less black and white than just formula or just breastfeeding. You can always try reducing top ups in a week or so if weight gain continues and you're a bit less concerned, but even if you don't you're doing such a good job with deciding what works best for you and your baby (and that's different for everyone!)