To think I could be harming my baby?

[silicageldonoteat]

Long time lurker, occasional poster, name changed for this.

I have a 5 week old baby. After a traumatic delivery my milk was delayed coming in and we ended up readmitted to hospital with weight loss and had to top up with formula.
Since then, I have been breast feeding every 3 hours and topping up with expressed milk or formula if I haven’t managed to express enough.
My little one has only put on 10g in the past few days and is only just back above birthweight. I was hoping that we would be able to move towards EBF but obviously that’s not on the table at the moment. I’m devastated that breastfeeding isn’t working out for us as I’d hoped.
The feed/top up/express cycle is brutal, but I could carry it on if there were light at the end of the tunnel. As it stands, I don’t think there is. I can’t help thinking that my baby would be better off with a mum that wasn’t totally miserable all the time, particularly when trying to breastfeed, who had some time to spend playing/talking/bonding - and that maybe it’s time to stop and switch to full formula. But on the other hand, surely some breast milk is better than none? I feel like whatever I choose is not doing what’s best for them.

Hang on it there - I had same with mine, around week 6 he got back to birth weight and then by week 8 I’d dropped the formula top up and by week 10 was breast all the way. It was like it suddenly ramped up, exponentially so. Totally get you cos the boob/ pumped milk / formula top up cycle is brutal but it won’t be forever.

You are me 10 weeks ago!

Honestly, I was about to give up and then thought to myself “fuck everything else, I’m sitting on the sofa with this baby attached to me 24/7”. She fed constantly and I offered her the breast hourly, sometimes half hourly. Occasionally I offered her a breast ten minutes after she last fed. I didn’t even bother getting dressed properly, we spent so much time just doing skin to skin and I just walked around the house topless. It was brutal but after a few days I noticed a massive difference in my supply.
Things are so much better now. I spoke to my local Le Leche League volunteers who were a massive help. I highly recommend reaching out to them for help.

Do you have other kids OP? If not, would it be possible to take to the bed/couch for a day or two skin to skin and just feed, feed, feed. Cut out the pumping and top ups and just build up your supply. It's early days so building up your supply is definitely still a possibility.

At the moment you're bf, ff and pumping. You can't do it all and I really think this is where it goes wrong for so many breastfeeding mums. One of the major perks of bf for me was not having to faff around with bottles/cleaning/sterilisers etc. You're doing that as well as bf and trying to pump. That would exhaust anyone.
I really hope it works out for you.

This might have already been mentioned but I got told at the hospital you had to have your baby wrapped up very warm even when you are in a warm room (they cannot regulate their temperature and lose a lot of calories this way, according to the nurse). As soon as I started wrapping them up (and it was a heatwave!), the babies started to put on weight and we were allowed to leave, I did express every 2.5 to to 3 hours to build up supply (and spilt most of it as I was so tired).

Flappityflippers1 I know your post is meant to be supportive and kind but I’m just going to say here that I found those sorts of views - fed is best, who cares, you can’t tell - dismissive. (I don’t mean you personally please don’t take it as such.)

I felt real grief and sorrow over failing at breastfeeding and while it’s not a year but three months on - that sorrow is still there.

Has your baby been assessed for tongue tie? This is a really common problem which prevents the transfer of milk. I would advise getting seen by an IBCLC to check. Your milk is enough for your baby if they are able to latch correctly. Yes formula is obviously an option if weight gain is an issue but from a mum who also desperately wanted to bf I think you should get some professional advice first.

I did the same as you - breastfed first, and topped up with formula.
3-hourly schedule through the night, so I never got more than 1 - 1 1/2h sleep in one go. I REALLY wanted to breastfeed.

I had a breast-feeding consultant come to help, and she said I was doing it perfectly (i.e. getting my baby on to the breast properly).
He had had a bad tongue tie, but that was cut.

Eventually, I asked a midwife if some women just can't breastfeed, and she said "yes".
When I asked what made that happen, she gave me four reasons that can make it harder to make enough milk:

• If it was hard to fall pregnant to start with
• If the baby was tongue-tied
• If the baby was born via C-section
• If the mother has PCOS

I realised that ALL of those applied to us, and although it was hard, we moved to formula exclusively. I slept properly for the first time, and everything got much easier from then.

Do what you feel is best, but don't beat yourself up if you can't breastfeed. Not everyone can.

Fed is best.

My baby is now a very healthy, happy 5 1/2 yr old, and the light of my life!

I struggled with both my two- ds1 I mixed fed for 2 mths before switching to fully formula. Ds2 3 weeks of mixed then formula. The stress and worry was massive (thats why ds2 only did 3 weeks). I felt so bad and both boys lost weight (both small to start). When I switched to formula both thrived and weight improved. I comforted myself that they had my milk in the first few days - this I think has max antibodies etc. One is nearly 15 now and is tall, sporty and fit, Ds2 is 10 and full of beans.
I learnt that it is better to have a fed baby and a less stressed mum. If you love your baby and feed your baby - by any means- you are a great mum!! Good luck enjoy your baby.

It’s such a shame that so many people’s first response is ‘just switch to formula’ ‘fed is best etc’. Some people actually want to breastfeed and this is not supportive advice to do so!

OP, there is lots of great advice on this thread about ditching the expressing, get skin to skin with your baby and feed on demand. If, after all that, you decide to formula feed, that’s entirely your choice. Your baby will be absolutely fine. But if you don’t want to give up breastfeeding, don’t! Expressing is hard work and it’d be the first thing I’d ditch. I primarily chose to breastfeed because of how easy it is once it’s established, but it’s very time consuming in the beginning. Doing that on top of expressing and preparing formula must be exhausting. You’re doing so well, be kind to yourself.

@daffodilsandprimroses I think it comes from hindsight and experience - I had the same experience as OP 3.5 years ago, it gave me PTSD, severe PNA and PND - it utterly destroyed the newborn and baby stage (the PND was so bad I don’t have any memories aside from awful ones of the first 12 months)

I so so wish I’d known how little anyone (and myself!) would care a year, 2 years, 3 years down the line - I wouldn’t wish the mental trauma i experienced on anyone and fed is best when mum is suffering so badly - that’s all I meant.

Sending hugs to you - I remember so well that feeling of failure and it’s horrific 😞

With my first I had a maternity nurse for 3 weeks. Long story, and with the benefit of hindsight completely wrong for me, but I did so I'll share her advice.

From day 1 she helped with bf-ing. Each feed took an hour. Feed , stop, wind, once wind is up put back on, and repeat. Half an hour on each side. She made a note of which side the feed finished on and the next feed started on the other side. Something to do with keeping an equal supply in each breast. Without her help I would have finished each feed much earlier, assuming dc was full. However, babies often behave as if they are full, when actually they are only half full, and the rest of their stomach is full of wind. That's why they wake crying about 10 minutes after they have gone down for a nap.

The hour long feeds nearly drove me round the bend. However, it helped establish a phenomenal supply. dc also gained weight faster than the midwife expected.

Once out of the new born phase babies develop a much stronger suck and become more efficient feeders so you get through the hours pinned to the sofa phase.

My second was FF from very early as I was extremely ill and the antibiotics that I needed were not compatible with Bf-ing. I know many are, but I was dangerously ill and I needed the strongest ones. No difference between the BF and FF dc. Both equally healthy, smart etc. You feed the way that works best for you.

You poor thing. I've been exactly where you are now. It is so fucking tough and unless you've been through it no one can understand.

In the end, after 3 horrendous months of pumping, my baby latched. Just as I was finally about to give up and just use formula.

However my mental health in that three months was utter shit, it was a horrendous time, and for me personally I think it took me a long time to recover particularly in regards to my relationship with my DS.

Having said that, I imagine I would probably do it again the same way but that's more about me being pigheaded than anything else.

If you do want to keep trying this is what I did:

• took fenugreek and ate loads of oats to promote BM (neither really worked but at the v least there was a placebo effect)
• double pumped for 40 mins at a time with a rented Medela breast pump (NB you will never get as much milk out of your boobs as a baby would so do NOT worry if it feels not that much is coming out)
• saw 4 different lactation consultants (don't know how possible this is during COVID. But keep trying until you find a helpful one)
• i can't remember exactly when but I think after 8 weeks I stopped putting baby to the breast for a month. I just focused on pumping because trying to get him t9 latch was becoming too stressful for both me and him
• my last resort, which I ended up not doing because he finally latched, was to try "re-birthing" when you get in a bathtub with the baby, warm water, lights low, and try and put him to the breast.

I really wish you luck. I didn't believe it when people told me but this too shall pass. Please don't let it take away your enjoyment of kissing and cuddling an adorable newborn. It did for me and I regret it now

Hang in there. I don’t know anyone who hasn’t struggled feeding their baby at times. Breastfeeding can be really tough but sticking with it is worth it in my opinion.

I combi fed until 7 months (so DH could give DD a bottle at night and I could sleep!) and then dropped that bottle when she dropped feeds. Still breastfeeding at 16 months so I am very pro breastfeeding- but only when it works and mum is getting enough support. Please don't beat yourself up and please don't think it has to be all or nothing. Keep feeding and baby will be getting the benefit of your milk. Have you had any support from your local infant feeding team or from an IBCLC? Please ask your HV to refer you if not so you can get a long term plan sorted as pumping is brutal and no wonder you're finding it hard! You're doing a great job and don't forget it.

My two were constantly soothed by having a boob shoved in their mouths...it's how they learn and how your body learns to produce more milk!

@daffodilsandprimroses

Flappityflippers1 I know your post is meant to be supportive and kind but I’m just going to say here that I found those sorts of views - fed is best, who cares, you can’t tell - dismissive. (I don’t mean you personally please don’t take it as such.)

I felt real grief and sorrow over failing at breastfeeding and while it’s not a year but three months on - that sorrow is still there.

Why would you feel sad about making sure your baby is fed and thriving? Formula isn't poison. I wasn't successful in breastfeeding my baby and I had some frankly dangerous advice from pro-breastfeeding consultants. Luckily I trusted my own instincts and ignored their advice and finally my baby started thriving, after many hospital admissions. Continuing trying to breastfeed at all costs can be extremely damaging for the baby, much more so than feeding your baby formula. Breastfeeding of course is best as it's what nature intended but so often now it's something that is more for the mother than the health of the baby.

I Had to supliment at 5 days old as mine lost weight, he also had a terrible tongue tie, I Continued formula feeding with some breast feeding too, took all the pills and milk tea I could to keep my supply but dried up at 5 weeks anyway. He's a year and 3 months now, hit all his milestones, growing well and we have a lovely bond. Please don't make yourself miserable, I did and feel so silly for beating myself up them first few weeks, all your baby needs is you to be happy and with him, and milk what ever the source xx

My story is similar to @Fluffingheck. 17 years later he's as fit as a flea (and I mean he's been ill about 5 times in his life; rarely gets a cold and if he does, it's gone in a few days) etc etc. Just got his target A--level grades of 4 A stars.

I won't bore you with the detail but suffice it to say, I look back and cringe a bit at how important I thought succeeding with breastfeeding was. He must have lasted just a few days with hardly any milk. I have PCOS and no sign of any milk coming in at all for a week and by that time he was pretty much starving and already on formula.

I have successfully raised my son to nearly adulthood. I'm pretty sure at his university interviews (he's aiming for Cambridge), whether he was breast or bottle fed won't come into it!

DS2 is slightly different. He was an ANGRY claw at the breast frantic breastfeeder. I don't think I managed to successfully breastfeed him at all, despite having done some research. He has quite a small mouth and jaw (complicated orthodontics now he's 15 as his jaw is so narrow) and I'm not convinced he would ever have been able to have a wide enough gape actually. So he was formula fed even sooner.

He gets ill more often than DS1, and had eczema as a baby and still has sensitive skin now. Peanut allergies etc. But you know, his skin was already sensitive when he was born, he looked like a little red peeling lizard before he'd even had any breast or formula, and his pale skin burns if you shine a torch on him, so I think he's just inherited my pale sensitive skin rather than his dad's more olive-toned, robust skin (like DS1 has). I do NOT think it's anything to do with whether they were breast or bottle fed.

So......do what you feel in your gut is best for you both. Mum and baby. It honestly will make no difference at all.

The same happened to me, admitted to hospital at the 5 day check due to weight. I really struggled with the breastfeeding and spent the time in hospital in tears and then again at home struggling to make it work. I'm not a cryer and never began with strong feelings about breast feeding, it was just so frustrating and the guilt of my DD not feeding enough was horrible. When I finally gave in and stopped trying I can't even tell you the difference In how I felt. I was a different person and actually began enjoying being a first time mum. It was the best decision for both of us, breast feeding isn't the be all and end all. I never looked back.

Don’t sweat this - as long as your baby is fed it’s fine. I never managed to breastfeed DD. She was premature and 4lb 10oz. I tried REALLY HARD for a few weeks but the weight was dropping off her. After 2 weeks I sent my (ex) DH to the 24 hour Tesco in the middle of the night for formula and when I fed it to her it was like watching a jet engine take off. The rest is history. She’s top set GCSE and a nationally competitive athlete. My DS took to it like a duck to water and was BF for a year. He’s a normal kid who spends too much time on Minecraft and has yet to learn the benefit of a tidy room.

This is, of course, just anecdotal evidence, but it’s worth bearing in mind what while statistically - at whole population level - the outcomes may be marginally better for breastfed babies, it’s confounded with lots of variables such as wealth, health, and education and the studies are mainly correlational (correlation does not imply causation). It is impossible to predict whether it makes a difference to an individual.

I don’t know if the big top ups mean that they don’t want to cluster feed but this just hasn’t really happened. I don’t think I can reduce/stop the top ups as weight is so precarious so it feels a bit impossible.

Thanks to those who have asked/hinted about how I’m doing - I think I am generally pretty low in mood but it is all related to this feeding thing, I think. I just feel like I can’t enjoy my baby

Because I really wanted to breastfeed him beseiged

You're not harming your baby at all OP. I also had a really difficult birth with DS three years ago, he lost a load of weight, I ended up exclusively exoressing for a year and felt really devastated if I'm honest that breastfeeding didn't work as I'd hoped (and if I'm honest assumed) it would. It was mainly guilt that kept me expressing for so long but if I'm being truthful I really didn't enjoy it. It was uncomfortable, I have no doubt that it affected my initial bonding with DS and my self esteem as a new mum. I'm due to give birth again in 5 weeks time and with experience and a bit more self-compassion on board I've given myself permission if breastfeeding doesn't work again to only express for as long as I want to (if at all) and then just switch to formula.

Feeding is such an emotive topic and I hope you're able to see that you'll do whatever is best for your little one, and whatever you do will be the right choice for you. You're doing a great job xx

OP, I really sympathise and the well meaning comments are coming from the loveliest place. But (for me) they missed the point a bit.

In my experience there are three ‘types’ of approaches to infant feeding.

One section really want to breastfeed.

One really want to formula feed.

And the remainder don’t really mind. Many in this section will have a preference for breastfeeding, and if it works they go along with it and often end up doing so very successfully. But they don’t really mind (though they may end up becoming passionate about it.)

That’s fine. But if you really want to breastfeed, being unable to is so,so upsetting.

@daffodilsandprimroses You’ve hit the nail in the head - it is grief. The thought of stopping is unbearable but I wonder if I’d get over that more quickly than the constant stress/upset of continuing to try something that isn’t working for my baby.