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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I NEVER going to be accepted fully?

231 replies

HeraInTheHereAndNow · 03/04/2021 19:03

I posted a lot on here, years ago.

I married a man who’d been divorced 5 years. His wife had left him. He had three teenagers. I had one child who was 9 when we married. I relocated with my child two weeks before the marriage. We never lived together as we had 150 miles between us so, it was all done in one fell swoop.

DH’s teen son (18) wouldn’t acknowledge me but then, he’d stopped talking to his dad when dad started to move on from the marriage. His eldest daughter was lovely and welcoming (19). Youngest (14) was hard work but, I did understand it was hard for the and hoped it’d get better. It did until youngest refused contact for 5 yrs which was painful and shattering. Nearly split up DH and I.

One day, we all just started to “get on”. Even his youngest DD returned and we’ve had a few years of contact which has been just easy and lovely.

Now, eldest dd has had our first grandchild. Wonderful. Thanks to lockdown, we’ve only seen him 3 times in 9 months. We saw them, first opportunity, on Wednesday this week. We met up half way. Lovely day. Open air picnic. Photos. Great day.

In the evening, DSD sent us her photos. We sent them ours.

Then, DH showed me a photo shared on his and his kids What’s App. I’m not media savvy. It’s their own thing, separate from me. It’s fine. The photos he showed me from the WhatsApp, had comments about the people featured; everyone but me. Like, I’m STILL not included/the invisible woman.

I’m not sure why, but it’s really upset me. Now, 16 yrs into our marriage, I’m still not “part of it”. It was lovely that DSD shared the photos in the family “shared album” but the private one, between themselves? ... I didn’t exist.

Am I being silly?

OP posts:
NailsNeedDoing · 03/04/2021 19:07

So you were in the photos, there just wasn’t a comment about you? Yeah, you’re being silly.

Lemmeout · 03/04/2021 19:10

It’s really sad and I certainly relate. I thought it was respect for their Mum, but truth be told, you and I are just Dad’s wife. Like a person that exists but is neither missed or needed. Perhaps, I hope, as your husband’s grandchild grows up you can blend together more.

UrsulaBee · 03/04/2021 19:11

You actually sound like hard work.

Lalliella · 03/04/2021 19:15

I think you’re massively over-thinking this. It’s great that the contact is easy and lovely, please don’t make it hard.

laudete · 03/04/2021 19:20

Are you... complaining that you weren't being discussed behind your back? You don't use SM and the other people in the photos were the adults in the WhatsApp group and the grandkids who are too young for SM? I reckon you could be overthinking it. x

Jennifer2r · 03/04/2021 19:20

It sounds like you want to be more than their dad's wife to them, but that is what you are.

Namechangeforspring2021 · 03/04/2021 19:20

You’re upset about not being talked about in a group chat you are not part of? 🤔

Original poster
HeraInTheHereAndNow · 03/04/2021 19:24

If there’s a photograph with three people in it. And comments are only made about two, it might make the other person involved feel a bit non-essential.

I’m not going to make hard work of it but, when you’ve spent 16 yrs plus welcoming your partners kids, despite them not wanting you to, it’s really upsetting to see you just don’t feature; no acknowledgement at all of your existing on a day which involved 4 adults and a baby.

It just makes me think it’s time I stopped trying.

OP posts:
Vinto · 03/04/2021 19:27

But in which way are you involved? When you're not a part of that particular conversation.

Bluntness100 · 03/04/2021 19:27

This seems a massive over reaction so I’m guessing there is a back story, becayse him having a what’s app with his kids is totally acceptable. What did you want them to say about you?

Oneeyeopen · 03/04/2021 19:28

Op I have a great relationship with my dil. Dh and I have done more hands on care of dgs than anyone else.
There are no split families in the mix.
Yet in ds’s home my dil has photos of everybody except me and dh.
My ds doesn’t take many photos but dil does.
When my dgs grows up and looks at photos he could be forgiven for thinking we don’t exist.
It used to upset me but now I just ensure that I take my own photos.
I have never mentioned it to ds or dil.

It’s not that you’re not accepted, it’s just you are almost equivalent to me as a mil. Someone who comes with dd’s dad, not picked by her, just as I come with ds and am part of the package that my dil has by default.

LadyLolaRuben · 03/04/2021 19:33

I can totally see where your coming from OP. But, from their point of view, you're not in that chat group, so unless there was something particular to note there's nothing to say to each other. On the other hand, at least they weren't talking behind your back. It all seems pretty neutral to me

Original poster
HeraInTheHereAndNow · 03/04/2021 19:33

Thanks. I guess I’m over thinking. I suppose it was just so exciting, after so long, meeting up. So many lovely photos and comments about grandpa and it was like I just wasn’t there. It was hardly a group, it was me, DH and DGS in the photos.

I’ve always encouraged DH to have a “private” relationship with his three because I’m sure they don’t always want him to be joined at the hip with me. I can see now that between the four of them, I don’t feature in any way.

OP posts:
Palavah · 03/04/2021 19:34

What sort of comments? I can see how they would make comments directed at the people in the chat, but if you aren't in the chat then they wouldn't be talking about you.

Are you on WhatsApp?

SchrodingersImmigrant · 03/04/2021 19:35

I wouldn't talk about a picture family member who isn't in the chat, really. It can be very well taken in a wrong way.
Even if it were compliments.

"Omg @dad, you look great on the pic. And so do you @sister" is just a normal convo. If you were in the chat you would most likely get mention too.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 03/04/2021 19:35

No you're not being silly, this is the reason why I won't go out with any man who has kids.

Original poster
HeraInTheHereAndNow · 03/04/2021 19:36

@Oneeyeopen... yes. That makes sense.

Baby is gorgeous 😊

OP posts:
Original poster
HeraInTheHereAndNow · 03/04/2021 19:38

@Palavah no. I do Twitter. That’s my limit!

OP posts:
Vinto · 03/04/2021 19:38

What kind of comments would you have hoped for?

There won't be a family resemblance to try to spot.

TheFiend · 03/04/2021 19:38

Am I being silly

Yes

DimidDavilby · 03/04/2021 19:39

So the comments were about her son and her father and you're annoyed, with all of this unnecessary backstory, that nobody added a comment about you.

You are looking for reasons to feel hurt and sound immensely hard work. Have a word with yourself.

Namechangeforspring2021 · 03/04/2021 19:40

Just out of interest are you @HeraInTheHereAndNow or grandma?

If you are your name then to them the only importance of that meeting was your OH seeing his grandchild, and that’s their prerogative.

titchy · 03/04/2021 19:40

But you're not in the WhatsApp group. If you were, and they didn't comment on you, you'd have a point. But you're not. Why would they make a comment about or to you knowing you won't see it? Confused

They shared photos that included you, you weren't photoshopped out, or excluded. You just weren't part of the conversation.

DissociativeBitch · 03/04/2021 19:45

Look my mum married her husband 12 years ago and they've been together 20 years and I still don't count him as my family. He is my mums husband. He's an ok person, I'm glad he makes my mum happy but we're not exactly close or going to have a relationship.
I think you just gotta accept your NOT their mum, your their dads wife.
Keep being polite and friendly, don't let it get to you any more though if your not included. 🤷🏼‍♀️

BrumBoo · 03/04/2021 19:46

@Namechangeforspring2021

Just out of interest are you *@HeraInTheHereAndNow* or grandma?

If you are your name then to them the only importance of that meeting was your OH seeing his grandchild, and that’s their prerogative.

Yes, I'm also wondering this. It's your husband's grandchild but you refer to the child as 'our grandchild'. Maybe the daughter is trying to limit this? Doesn't mean she doesn't accept you as her dad's wife.