Am I NEVER going to be accepted fully?

[HeraInTheHereAndNow]

I posted a lot on here, years ago.

I married a man who’d been divorced 5 years. His wife had left him. He had three teenagers. I had one child who was 9 when we married. I relocated with my child two weeks before the marriage. We never lived together as we had 150 miles between us so, it was all done in one fell swoop.

DH’s teen son (18) wouldn’t acknowledge me but then, he’d stopped talking to his dad when dad started to move on from the marriage. His eldest daughter was lovely and welcoming (19). Youngest (14) was hard work but, I did understand it was hard for the and hoped it’d get better. It did until youngest refused contact for 5 yrs which was painful and shattering. Nearly split up DH and I.

One day, we all just started to “get on”. Even his youngest DD returned and we’ve had a few years of contact which has been just easy and lovely.

Now, eldest dd has had our first grandchild. Wonderful. Thanks to lockdown, we’ve only seen him 3 times in 9 months. We saw them, first opportunity, on Wednesday this week. We met up half way. Lovely day. Open air picnic. Photos. Great day.

In the evening, DSD sent us her photos. We sent them ours.

Then, DH showed me a photo shared on his and his kids What’s App. I’m not media savvy. It’s their own thing, separate from me. It’s fine. The photos he showed me from the WhatsApp, had comments about the people featured; everyone but me. Like, I’m STILL not included/the invisible woman.

I’m not sure why, but it’s really upset me. Now, 16 yrs into our marriage, I’m still not “part of it”. It was lovely that DSD shared the photos in the family “shared album” but the private one, between themselves? ... I didn’t exist.

Am I being silly?

Yes.over the top thinking i would say.,people can have their own personal ways of doing things sometimes..It's a bit sad that this upsets you.

Step families are hard. They just are. So many unspoken expectations and habits and feelings to manage.

@Urbacodon

My dad has been with his OH for 18 years. My DM died in an accident a couple of years before that (I was at uni at the time). The OH has totally monopolised my DF since they got together. During our first Christmas without my DM, she insisted he took her home from our house at 7pm and he slept there, leaving me and my young teenage sister alone in our house.

Whenever I’d visit DF, she’d be there. Wherever he visited me, she’d be there. Whenever I FaceTime DF (even now), she crashes the call. Whenever I phone DF (even now), I ask “how are you?” to my DF, he replies “we’re fine”.

Pisses me off greatly. She won’t fuck the fuck off, so that I can have just 1 hour with my DF. She’s his OH, but she’s irrelevant to me. I greatly resent her constant presence. She also doesn’t shut up talking when we’re together. My sister and I have a WhatsApp chat group with just my dad and that’s where we share photos of our DC. That’s the only way we can have 1:1 time with him.

Actually typing all of that makes me even more irate. She even signs our birthday cards etc from my dad 😠

Maybe you could try to let them have a relationship just between your husband and his children.

It’s like you are living my life. NO alone time without his wife there. On the rare occasion she’s not around, it is passive aggressive sulking (can tell from my Dad’s demeanour all is not well).

I once called him to take him to lunch. He replied “we would love to.

You cannot ask him a simple question on the phone such as “have you eaten”. There will be background noise of “I guess I don’t feed you”. It is so annoying destabilising. Made worse as my father is now elderly and more dependent on her. He’s actually vulnerable and she’s overbearing and overwhelming. Argh.

It is a minefield op but one that you sound like you've done a great job in negotiating over 16 years which is all credit to you.

Just looking at the practical side, on my WhatsApp family group I generally make comments like:

'Baby's so beautiful - looking like Mum/Dad/Gran in that pic'

I think because you are not a blood relative, it's hard to find something to say. With my MiL I usually take the piss a bit (and vice versa) but I think the main problem is that you're not:
a) little and cute (am sure you are beautiful but you know, like not under 10!)
b) they know you're not on the group so wouldn't bother with comments because they assume you won't see them
c) probably you have achieved the zen-like mastery of being a step parent, they don't even think to 'think' of you iykwim? I'm always flattered when my kids take me for granted because my own bio mum put some demands on me she is awful be around.

I think just ask if you can join the group and keep doing what you're doing. I would guess that they all love you.

@MrsBobDylan... I wouldn’t dream of asking to join their group. It’s their thing with Dad. I haven’t a problem with that and they’re all very clever and much of what they say (when we were all together before Covid) was above me. By the time I’d worked it out, they’d be on to something else 😂

I did have a step dad. Was an adult when he came along. Which is the very reason why I’ve always expected/encouraged DH and “his” to have a relationship outside of me. Ie. they go on short breaks without me... that’s perfectly fine. I’m not much of a mountain walker and frankly, would rather amble with the dog on the flat. They need this time with their dad. They needed it when we first got together and need it now and going forward.

I will say this again... for the last time. I do not need to be their “second” mum. I don’t expect them to love me. I don’t need to be joined at the hip with DH when he sees them. He would like me to be, I refer him to the fact they need a “just with dad” thing, at times. I never pushed myself on them. I don’t muscle in on conversation. When we Facetime due to Covid, I chat, comment then... leave them to it with Dad. I’m not “needy” and jealous of DH’s position as their father. I don’t want to parent them. It’s be utterly ridiculous if I did. My own stepdad tried to be a “dad” to me at times and I didn’t want/need it. I am mindful, always of that.

However, so many replies have said you can never be anything other than dad’s girlfriend. Possibly, had we not married, things may have worked out better. I remember when DH told them of our going to be married. He would have preferred me to be there and I thought it better they had it as a private conversation so that they weren’t under pressure to do/say the “right thing”. What I didn’t expect, was their not wanting it. Their disappointment. Now, for all those saying “you knew what you were getting” it was DH who felt that, as much as he loved and cherished his kids, he was not going to be told as a 47 yr old that he couldn’t marry the person he loved. Their mother had left his for someone else. The someone else wouldn’t (when it came down to it) leave his wife so, their Mum wanted dad back,still, all those years later. DH said that whether he was with me or not, that was never ever going to happen. He’d been a good husband to his ex and a good father. His attitude was “I love you, you’re my most precious things but... I will marry this lady”. He told me yesterday that years ago, his three got on well with previous girlfriends and probably would have continued to do so with me, had we not married. Marrying me, was the end of any and all possibilities of him and mum getting back together. That, was not my fault.

For those who say you’re no more than your husband’s wife, you are of course right. And yet, we “step relationship” folks are expected to give and then revert to “just dads partner” when needed. As I wrote yesterday... “Step up/love/treat as your own... Step back/don’t love cause they’re NOT yours/they don’t want to be treated like yours.

@SpaceshiptoMars... have only just seen the links you posted. It really is damned if you do, damned if ...

Knowing now, what I do, I was probably right as that twenty something woman saying I wasn’t ready to be in a relationship with a man with kids. At 60, it’s been a hard hard learning curve.

i know this is not a big thing but were you almost the same age as the kids when you got together with their dad? was he really in his 40s and you in your 20s while they were teens? Not sure whether that changes things but it might make things a bit more awkward even now as their attitude would have been set then and realistically it would not have been a good one...

[quote HeraInTheHereAndNow]@5128gap... I see what you mean. You see, she DH and I got together, his kids were all teens so, not little. And, he isn’t a widower. They have a perfectly good mum, albeit, not with their dad. They took the divorce badly. It was hard for them but, I came along years later and dad had had a few female friends in the interim. I don’t think he was ever supposed to move on.

What I’m saying is, it was NEVER EVER on the cards that I’d be stepmum. I was told in no uncertain terms by youngest, that I was not to even think of myself, in that way. Which to be fair, I didn’t. I have my own child. I’m a very happy mum to him.

@PinkArt... you’re right. I’m not SM savvy. I do know that his three have to be careful what’s shared in that DH and his Ex have an astonishingly bad relationship, post divorce. Can’t bear to be in the same room. My Ex and I rub along, for kids sake. The WhatsApp group is limited to DH and his 3 kids.[/quote]
@HeraInTheHereAndNow I feel for you because you seem to be a very thoughtful notstepmother/stepgranma and it is hard to invest in relationships and feel you’re getting little in return.

The point you make about your DH and his ex resonated with me - I wonder if the ‘not mentioning’ is also a function of this. You’re not privy to the internal dynamics of the DC relationships between themselves and between them and their mother. There may well be an unspoken ‘display’ of loyalty to their Mum happening, which has nothing to do with you personally and everything to do with their parents and how they currently treat each other.

If you were truly rejected in the relationship I wager you wouldn’t feature in the DGC’s life at all.

💐

@IwishIwasontheN17 I think you’re right, if their mother has the narrative that OP is keeping their parents apart and has made issue of loyalties in the past then I think this would make sense.

Your DH chose to have you in his life but his children didn’t and had no say in it. As long as they are polite, that’s all you can ask for. I wouldn’t see a new partner as family or a grandparent in those circumstances.

Honestly op given your situation if my df met someone when I was 19 then moved them down with their child who I didnt have a relationship with them married 2 weeks later I wouldn't view them as a family member and I wouldn't want my dc calling them grandma. I think they did nothing wrong, they included you in the visit but they are allowed to freely dicuss the child privately amongst themselves. You feelings would be valid if you had been present in their childhood and had been involved in their upbringing and given that situation they would of likely given you the title as they would have established a bond with you but that's not the case her. You are their dad's wife.

OP you sound like you've taken absolutely the right approach throughout the relationship. And with the greatest of respect, you're just overthinking this one tiny thing.

Your DSD specifically asked you what you wanted to be called – so as to include you, give you choice – and you kindly and very rightly put the ball back in her court. You handled it perfectly.

Is it really just this one WhatsApp comment about it being nice for baby to meet grandpa that is upsetting you? If so, please don't give it another moment's thought. It's something to make grandpa feel special in his own group with his children. That's no slight on you. As others have said, were you to be in the chat they would have said grandma and grandpa. You are not irrelevant and they've done nothing to suggest that. Don't overthink it and encourage your DH not to as well! There will be many more meetings.

@threelittlebears87 😂 Lord no! DH is 3 yrs older than I am. Though yes, he did “date” much younger (and older) ladies before me.

I’m very good at “polite”. I’ll stick to that but... in the past I have been criticised for not being more “gushing”. Again. Can’t win.

Might the oldest daughter (who you seem to have a better relationship with) be careful about mentioning you in a WhatsApp group that her sister is a member of?

She might be painfully aware of the fact that whilst she likes you as a person her sister only tolerates you as she was much more affected by the divorce.

@Trisolaris

You may be right. May be wrong. 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

Youngest came to live with us briefly last year. Just a couple of months so, doubt it. Can genuinely say, it was lovely to have her with us.

@Teardrop2021 a good point. However, DH and went out, for 4 yrs at a distance because neither of us wanted to disturb our families. I was “moved in” as you put it so nicely, as his youngest was very settled at her school and the distance would have meant not seeing much of dad. I was happy to go along with this because it seemed easier to move me and my son. So, no “rushed romance” (4 yrs) no “moving in some woman and her kid and a quickie wedding”. How nasty your comment is.

Much consideration was taken over a long long time.

It's not a nasty comment its stating facts, it's totally different a long distancd relationship to suddenly moving your child in your bf home where his dc live then getting married shortly after. There was no blending prior to that and I suspect that's why the lad was hostile towards you. You were effectively a stranger moving into their home marrying their dad and you expect to be counted as one of the family why you weren't there when they were children.

@Teardrop2021
😂😂😂

That’s ridiculous. So, I ought to have been more in their lives. Muscled in. Moved in sooner. Not taken our time allowing everyone to adjust and get used to the idea.

It shows how hated step mums are. We really can’t do anything right.

HeraInTheHereAndNow blending should had been taken at the dc pace moving in and then getting married straight away isn't. Alot of the time problems arise when moving in and joining families, dc finding their place the change in dynamics,so yes I stand by my statement care and consideration should have been taken in when you moved in. Hence why the son reacted so badly. There are good step mom's my ds is a good one and a good step dad too but ds was always priority.

Its totally different your df having a gf who lives some distance to then suddenly moving in with her son and before he's even got head around it you get married straight away. I imagine he felt like his own home wasn't his own anymore.

Personally I think as long as you are together for a decent amount of time before you move someone in and your partner is nice to your kids then the children just have to suck it up. There’s only so much you can do and kids shouldn’t be the ones making big decisions or controlling their parents lives. Sounds like op was with her husband for years before they moved in and did everything right.

It just shows how assumptions can be way, way off.

DH’s son stopped seeing his dad 2 yrs before I moved in. Yes, I was “around” but no, not the cause of their estrangement.

I do not, at all, apologise for the way DH and I handled our getting together. I think two grown adults who’d been royally shat upon by their previous partners and who had been single for some considerable time before they even met, taking their time, not foisting new partners on the kids, even, at one point, taking a break so that we were absolutely sure our relationship was worth any and all the upheaval. Talking to all involved at every stage over 4 years, was done in the best possible way we could have. Our marriage was talked of for 18 months, at least, before we did it. There were no big surprises.

When we did take that “Let’s have a breather” for 4 months, to see if we really did want the big move, there was much trying by DHs Ex, to rekindle their relationship. I think that’s at the heart of the problem. I understand it. What child of divorce, who doesn’t understand the ins and outs of that separation doesn't hope mum and dad will one day be reunited?

@Teardrop2021... you’re way off the pace, in this situation and just making the age old assumptions ^everyone makes regarding the wicked stepmother/other woman.

@Foxglovesandlilacs... sorry only just seen your post.

Thank you. I think there are some, possibly like @Teardrop2021, who’d want all divorced people with kids, to crawl away and don the hair vest, and never ever be deserving of that second chance at a healthy marriage. I think for some, there’s no situation where a man or woman with kids ought to be allowed to move on, if the kids don’t like it. It’s not my fault DH’s ex was utterly miserable that the husband she was unfaithful to, met someone else. Good grief, for over a year, no one was even allowed to tell her. DH ought to have, because when she found out, the fallout was horrendous. None of what happened was my doing and I will not take abuse for existing. Had I been the OW, had I moved in with DH after 6 months and then gotten married immediately, then yes, I could understand the flack. We, DH and I, couldn’t have considered all those involved more unless... we’d just walked away from each other.

Teardrop is a perfect example of unsolicited, what if advice. Doesn't know the full story has own bias agenda towards step families and decides to project a ridiculous version of a life they never knew onto the op. That was never the point of the discussion. Op never asked you to go back through her life and pin point all the areas you feel she went wrong! Such a ridiculous set of comments.

And where are the solutions?! That's what is needed now. I think the solution is communication. It's still early days of your grandchild being on this planet and with Covid thrown in too it's hard to establish where you fit in the whole scheme of things. Perseverance, asking how he is, opening up that communication will lead to her opening up with you. Then you can all comfortably find a balance that fits. Good luck to you x

I'm explaining why the children don't view you as part of the family when one you came in later in their lives, so no bond made and moved in their home when they didn't really know you but you seem to take great offence to my comments and the very fact they can't even enjoy a conversation about there new baby commenting without your involvement its completely unfair and out of order.

You state you didn't jump in and took a step back but now contradict yourself by moaning about their conversation on what's app group, you came in the meeting, likely they might have just wanted to see dad but accepted you came and now you want to take away the one to one time they actually have with. Have the other posters experiences of having no time with their own df mean anything to you, it's all about your wants and needs and no one else's.