Am I NEVER going to be accepted fully?

[HeraInTheHereAndNow]

I posted a lot on here, years ago.

I married a man who’d been divorced 5 years. His wife had left him. He had three teenagers. I had one child who was 9 when we married. I relocated with my child two weeks before the marriage. We never lived together as we had 150 miles between us so, it was all done in one fell swoop.

DH’s teen son (18) wouldn’t acknowledge me but then, he’d stopped talking to his dad when dad started to move on from the marriage. His eldest daughter was lovely and welcoming (19). Youngest (14) was hard work but, I did understand it was hard for the and hoped it’d get better. It did until youngest refused contact for 5 yrs which was painful and shattering. Nearly split up DH and I.

One day, we all just started to “get on”. Even his youngest DD returned and we’ve had a few years of contact which has been just easy and lovely.

Now, eldest dd has had our first grandchild. Wonderful. Thanks to lockdown, we’ve only seen him 3 times in 9 months. We saw them, first opportunity, on Wednesday this week. We met up half way. Lovely day. Open air picnic. Photos. Great day.

In the evening, DSD sent us her photos. We sent them ours.

Then, DH showed me a photo shared on his and his kids What’s App. I’m not media savvy. It’s their own thing, separate from me. It’s fine. The photos he showed me from the WhatsApp, had comments about the people featured; everyone but me. Like, I’m STILL not included/the invisible woman.

I’m not sure why, but it’s really upset me. Now, 16 yrs into our marriage, I’m still not “part of it”. It was lovely that DSD shared the photos in the family “shared album” but the private one, between themselves? ... I didn’t exist.

Am I being silly?

This was just one comment, and it wasn't even a negative one! I think it's natural for them to address their remarks to their Dad, and nothing is meant by it beyond that.

That said, I also have my dad's wife, I'm very fond of her, she's been with him about 15 years, it's great that she supports him, but I don't have a strong bonded relationship only with her, my relationship is through him and most of my contact is through him. She's not my mum or my step mum and as the children are getting older, hasn't really taken on too much of a granny role, just a nice partner for my dad.
It can be a tricky situation, but I think you've been over sensitive on this particular occasion- probably because it was tricky in the past and it just reminded you of this, but there's no reason to think you weren't welcome or valued going on this occasion at all.

[quote HeraInTheHereAndNow]@Sarahtrue What are you in about!?

Imagine if, I’d posted “They don’t love me, I don’t love them, I don’t want anything, at all, to do with them”.

You’re ridiculous. I love DH. He loves his kids. I care about them, wish the best for them. I’d like to be included. If not, I couldn’t possibly be in a relationship with their father.[/quote]
But you were included. You were included in person on the day out. Did they speak to you when you were there? That’s including you. They just didn’t talk about you in a text chat you’re not apart of.

The word you may be looking for is "indifference". They don't hate you. They don't have the bond/relationship with you that they have with their Mum. They have a history prior to you that involved them and their Dad from birth. You have created a family history with them but it is not the same as prior to your arrival. "Indifference" can be hurtful too. You had to accept and learn their ways when you took on your husband. You "gave" a lot to preserve relationships. They did not have do the same because they did not have to do so (hence high conflict). The "indifference" is hurtful because you sound like you care about them but it does not feel equal or "returned". (And lots of mothers in laws who put in lots of time to their grandkids child care etc are treated "indifferently" too)

I can only give you an answer from my perspective - both DH and I have step mums. One through bereavement, one through an affair. Neither of us like our respective step-mums - they are both just random strangers who have crashed into our lives. We are never rude, but if we never saw them again, it would have no impact on our lives. They are not family, they are people who are married to our family.

Sorry if this sounds brutal. The history, the emotional connection, the mutual support isn't there. It never will be.

So, op, all you're saying is, that a comment on a group chat about a photo you were in, regardless of whether you were likely to see it or not, had it read 'lovely to see Grandpa and Hera' rather than just 'lovely to see Grandpa', would have been a sign of inclusion and acceptance. Yes, it would. It's just plain good manners, whatever the context, and you should expect nothing less. Inevitably if you say 'nice to see' one person of a couple and not the other, the implication is that it was not nice to see the other person. Even if that wasn't meant, it's just thoughtless and rude.

I comment on photos on facebook all the time. I will comment to the people who are my friends on facebook. I do it to compliment my friends. Other people in the photo, though I might know them, I don't comment on as they don't have Facebook or whatever, so they'll never see.

In a private Dad/children Whatsapp group, they will of course be commenting about each other.

If you're not included in this Whatsapp group, how did you see what was said? Was it your DH showing you photos or something? Of course I'd be hurt to not be mentioned, but I'm sure that if was a group including you that they might have complimented your dress or something?

Your DH needs this private space with his children. You can never be part of that as you are not their Mum. He does not have his ex wife as part of the group either. It's just him and his DC.

It can be all sorts of hurtful to be excluded. I have been excluded from a family group (blood family) and it's fucking awful when you find out. But maybe they need this space. It's hard being part of a blended family. I posted a link to a film you can watch to perk you up. It's a comedy of course, but you might identify with the main theme too.

My dd has disowned me (her birth mother) entirely, so believe me, it could be worse.

You sound like you have been a lovely stepmother. You sound caring and loving and kind. I know that as mothers we have to take it on the chin sometimes. I've lashed out in retaliation at my dd and now she doesn't speak to me. Being a mother is hard, being a stepmom is complicated and being excluded is so hard. But I don't think it's that they don't like you. They probably love you in fact. It's just weird dynamics of blended families. In fairness, you were never her stepmum as she was 19 and an adult when you got with her father. That she has no animosity towards you is always a good start. That you have a relatively close relationship is also good. I'm sure that she will be delighted to have you and her Dad involved in her newborn's life. Don't stress out over one conversation which didn't mention you as you were not involved in the conversation.

@HunkyPunk

So, op, all you're saying is, that a comment on a group chat about a photo you were in, regardless of whether you were likely to see it or not, had it read 'lovely to see Grandpa and Hera' rather than just 'lovely to see Grandpa', would have been a sign of inclusion and acceptance. Yes, it would. It's just plain good manners, whatever the context, and you should expect nothing less. Inevitably if you say 'nice to see' one person of a couple and not the other, the implication is that it was not nice to see the other person. Even if that wasn't meant, it's just thoughtless and rude.

It was a private group. Mentioning the OP would have been pointless as she's not part of the group.

Sadly, being a Mum is a thankless task. Being a stepmom is even more thankless. As his children were adults/almost adults when you got together, they probably still just see you as Daddy's girlfriend or whatever.
I know that you wouldn't be this upset if you didn't care for the dd. Just don't feel that it's personal or that it's because she doesn't like you. She probably didn't know that you would see her conversations with her Dad.

You sound so excited about the new little baby in the family, that I'm sure his dd will come to depend on you like her mother over time. Her own Mum will be her first port of call of course, but for her to have her Dad and you as second ports of call will mean a lot to her.

You and me both know how hard rearing children is. She will want you and her Dad involved for sure. Don't fall out with her. She obviously likes you or she would not have had you there! In a resticted number of guests, she wanted you there. She wanted you there! Yes you. She wanted, you, there.

With a new baby, believe me, when lockdown lifts, she will probably take any offers of help with cooking, cleaning, laundry, nappy changes, burping, letting her sleep, babysitting while she gets a night out. That you're already taken for granted sort of tells me that she already feels assured of your love. You'll be called in for duty in no time. Don't worry.

Even if that wasn't meant, it's just thoughtless and rude

Don’t be silly now. I saw friends the other day, posted a pic on the girlie chat and said it was lovely to see you, etc,, they had been with their partners. I didn’t write it was lovely to see you and your partners, although it was. Because the convo was between us,

I think if one of them had then got all upset and said “why didn’t you say it was nice to see me and”Jim” he thinks you don’t accept him now and is all upset” I’d have been beyond gobsmacked and thinking “well that’s not normal, what’s wrong with him then” .

@RewriteHistory

Yes, you’re being weird

This morning, RewriteHIstory woke up and said 'I'M GOING TO BE A NICE PERSON TODAY'. Alas, it wasn't to be so.....

Op just play the long game.
Actions speak louder than words.
Every few months pop a small package in the post eg some cute socks. A little note, saw these and thought dgs would look sweet in them. How are you all?
As dgs gets older he will love getting post with his name on. You will be the coolest person around.

My dil may have more photos of her dm but has admitted to me that she wishes her dm would do more. I obviously nod and smile and never say anything negative.

@HunkyPunk

You expressed it in the way I ought to have done. This is it, in a nutshell. Two adults in a photo of an small event. Only one mentioned. Thank you. 😊

So, op, all you're saying is, that a comment on a group chat about a photo you were in, regardless of whether you were likely to see it or not, had it read 'lovely to see Grandpa and Hera' rather than just 'lovely to see Grandpa', would have been a sign of inclusion and acceptance. Yes, it would. It's just plain good manners, whatever the context, and you should expect nothing less. Inevitably if you say 'nice to see' one person of a couple and not the other, the implication is that it was not nice to see the other person. Even if that wasn't meant, it's just thoughtless and rude.

So you expect them to refer to you on a what's app you aren't on?!

In the nicest possible way, that is bonkers.

If I had a what's app with 2 friends and a 3rd was in some pictures but not in the what's app group, I WOULD NOT be commenting on the 3rd person. This would not be any kind of slight, it just wouldn't be natural to do so (unless I was talking about them specifically). It was a wonderful celebration day, they were thinking about commenting on everything, they weren't putting on a show and typing things about you just in case you decided to check the group!!!! They WERE VERY NATURALLY talking to/about the people actually on the what's app group.

As someone who has a step mum and and a step dad I think you have to chill out. It sounds as if you were involved and that you DSD wants you to be. Enjoy being a grandparent and STOP THIS!! To your grandchild you won't be step anything, you will be a grandparent they have always known.

I think you should focus on the progress you have already made over the years.

It sounds like an incredibly difficult situation that you have worked hard to successfully overcome.

I was a “step “ grandma and it’s a very awkward position as there are two real grandmas in front of you . I walked a fine line between not interfering but offering help and not wanting to tread on anybody’s toes. I have split with my partner after 20 years but very lucky that his son and fiancée still want be to be in their son’s life. I must have got something right !

OP I understand you 100%. I think the PPs focussing on the photo comment are missing the point.

But as @bevm72yellow summarised, they are indifferent to you and this hurts because you are not indifferent to them.

It’s sad but unfortunately you cannot force it. Over the years DM and I have come to accept that we will never have the close relationship with my DSiL that we’d hoped for. You need to practise letting it go because literally the only person it’s hurting is you.

Have you articulated your thoughts to your DH?

OP, just give it time. There's a history, she hasn't seen her dad for along time, pride to show off her DS to her dad. You were not excluded, just not included in what was a daughter/father moment.

Give it time and in all likelihood, she'll start to associate her dad and you as one in terms of grandparents.

I’ve been thinking about this thread since last night, as I’m in the position of your step-daughter. My DF frequently says to me “x [his OH] is upset that you never ask how she is. She thinks you don’t like her.”

Well, the truth is that I don’t think about how she is. I don’t care how she is. I’m glad she makes my DF (a widower) happy, but I’d be perfectly fine never to see or hear of her again. I don’t actively dislike her, I am polite in person, but she’s irrelevant.

When my first DC was born, I would’ve liked to see my DF on my own, but no, she was there (like always), wittering away about this that and the next thing. I politely tolerate her in person. She should have encouraged my DF to visit me alone, even if he said she should come too.

Perhaps my DF thinks if he rams her down our throat enough, we’ll be more accepting of her. It’s bizarre. He’s to blame by encouraging her participation in our lives, but she’s more to blame by not gracefully stepping back.

OP why do you think his kids should have more of a bond with you than they do, just because you married their dad?

Entering a family setup doesn't automatically mean you have tight familial relationships with those people. Hell, being born into a family setup doesn't mean you'll have close relationships with the people you're actually related to.

You click with who you click with. You can't force a bond just because you think there "should" be one. If there isn't a bond then "civil and pleasant" is the best you're going to get - and that's not so bad. It can even lead to more of a bond down the line - tight bonds are often situational. Plenty of people in my life have gone from distant acquaintances to close friends over the years.

It actually sounds like you've come quite far from a fairly negative start, which is fantastic.

I would focus on your own social circle/family - the people who do accept you fully - and be content with this less close but still pleasant relationship you have with your husband's children.

@HunkyPunk

So, op, all you're saying is, that a comment on a group chat about a photo you were in, regardless of whether you were likely to see it or not, had it read 'lovely to see Grandpa and Hera' rather than just 'lovely to see Grandpa', would have been a sign of inclusion and acceptance. Yes, it would. It's just plain good manners, whatever the context, and you should expect nothing less. Inevitably if you say 'nice to see' one person of a couple and not the other, the implication is that it was not nice to see the other person. Even if that wasn't meant, it's just thoughtless and rude.

Absolutely agree, it's just good manners 💐

@HunkyPunk but it was in a private chat though? They didn’t say to their faces “it was nice to see Grandpa” and leave her out. They told him directly it was nice to see him. What if they just feel indifferent towards her and didn’t enjoy seeing her?? They have been perfectly polite to her and then let their dad know via a private message it was nice to see him. What’s the issue here really? Are they not allowed to feel live for their dad in a way they don’t towards his partner? It’s their feelings, they haven’t been rude to her and they feel how they feel about her.