Am I NEVER going to be accepted fully?

[HeraInTheHereAndNow]

I posted a lot on here, years ago.

I married a man who’d been divorced 5 years. His wife had left him. He had three teenagers. I had one child who was 9 when we married. I relocated with my child two weeks before the marriage. We never lived together as we had 150 miles between us so, it was all done in one fell swoop.

DH’s teen son (18) wouldn’t acknowledge me but then, he’d stopped talking to his dad when dad started to move on from the marriage. His eldest daughter was lovely and welcoming (19). Youngest (14) was hard work but, I did understand it was hard for the and hoped it’d get better. It did until youngest refused contact for 5 yrs which was painful and shattering. Nearly split up DH and I.

One day, we all just started to “get on”. Even his youngest DD returned and we’ve had a few years of contact which has been just easy and lovely.

Now, eldest dd has had our first grandchild. Wonderful. Thanks to lockdown, we’ve only seen him 3 times in 9 months. We saw them, first opportunity, on Wednesday this week. We met up half way. Lovely day. Open air picnic. Photos. Great day.

In the evening, DSD sent us her photos. We sent them ours.

Then, DH showed me a photo shared on his and his kids What’s App. I’m not media savvy. It’s their own thing, separate from me. It’s fine. The photos he showed me from the WhatsApp, had comments about the people featured; everyone but me. Like, I’m STILL not included/the invisible woman.

I’m not sure why, but it’s really upset me. Now, 16 yrs into our marriage, I’m still not “part of it”. It was lovely that DSD shared the photos in the family “shared album” but the private one, between themselves? ... I didn’t exist.

Am I being silly?

@Mumdiva99

From the other end of this.....my husband has a dad and step-mum. From my kids perspective she is just grandma. They didn't know my husband mum (nor did I). Whilst husband and his brothers are very clear she is step mum - to me and kids she is grandma. I don't care about the rest, or about the difficult history. She is kind to us, looks after us when we are there and gets the same treatment as grandad. I would never leave her off presents or cards. I would never fail to acknowledge her. It would be cruel and mean and spiteful.

I understand why you are hurt.

You imply there that their mother isn't on the scene for one reason or another? I think that is obviously a significant factor, there's no conflict for the role.

[quote HeraInTheHereAndNow]@Urbacodon... ok, now I object.

I have...

Always encouraged DH to have a separate relationship with his kids. Meals/time/holidays with them, without me. Always. He hasn’t always wanted to but, I grew up in a second marriage situation and I know absolutely, how important it is not to lose the relationship with your parent, JUST your parent, when they are in another relationship or remarry. I have always “gone along with” whatever has been decided by them. Always.

When DSD was having DGD, she asked me what I wanted to “be”. I said “well, he/she will have two lovely nannas so, I could be just Hera if you’d prefer, it’s up to you and your DH”. I was very aware that DSD’s mum might be annoyed at my “muscling in” as a third Nanna. DSD told me what to “be”. I was happy to go along with that.

Good grief, I’m thinking I ought may be to just back away from it and let them enjoy the relationship with dad/grandpa as I think they may prefer.

As a step-whatever, there really is no “right thing to do”.[/quote]
I think a mixture of things are in effect here. You afraid of being pushed out again, lockdown meaning that no one gets those precious early months of getting to know a new family member and the natural bonds that come with that, crossed wires and old hurt feelings.

I think you need to step back, acknowledge that you aren't 'grandma' but you can absolutely build a similar relationship over time as long as you dont over evaluate the situation. The child may well come up with their own name for you anyway. In the meantime, just keep it friendly. Check in once in a while, as about the daughter as well as her baby and everything else will come in time.

I think it depends on the family, my cousins have both a stepmum and stepdad.

Both of which are referred to as Nanny Mary and Grandad John.

Both of my parents are in long term relationships and neither of their partners are anything more than Carol and Bob to myself and DS.

@Bluntness100... 😂😂😂 I think you may be on the wrong thread!

See, this is what is puzzling me. You've encouraged them to always have a separate relationship with their father. And now they do, you're complaining about it?

Yet in ds’s home my dil has photos of everybody except me and dh.

you are almost equivalent to me as a mil. Someone who comes with dd’s dad, not picked by her, just as I come with ds and am part of the package that my dil has by default.

You seem to be holding your daughter in law to much higher standards than your own son. Why is it her job to put up pictures of you in your son's home?

But I didn’t choose my “title” for grandson. DSD and her partner did.

I always said, to her and to my DH “I’m not really grandma and he/she has two lovely grandmas already”. DSD chose my title!!!

I’ve also said from the start, with DH’s own kids (teens) I’m NOT step MUM, I’m Hera. They have a mum. You only get one. I was vilified for that on here, too.

So, if I didn’t want to be Grandma, it’d be “why not, how awful of you” and yet if I did, “how awful, you’ll never be the real grandma”.

I would prefer to become a grandma when my own kids have children, to be fair.

@Umbivalent

See, this is what is puzzling me. You've encouraged them to always have a separate relationship with their father. And now they do, you're complaining about it?

This and also your step daughter asked you what you wanted to be called, if she thought of you as another grandparent then she would refer to you as such.

@BoyTree. The grandchild is the baby of my step daughter and her partner. My own son doesn’t really feature.

I’ve also said from the start, with DH’s own kids (teens) I’m NOT step MUM, I’m Hera. They have a mum. You only get one.

This is totes off-topic but I kinda hope your name actually is Hera. It would be super cool to be able to say, "I have 2 grandmas and one godma." (Hera being, of course, Queen of the Gods in Greek mythology.)

@laudete... as a kid I hated it. Now, I love it. Don’t know another.

I was going to be Gillian. I like Gillian but I do know a good few of them 😊

@HeraInTheHereAndNow

But I didn’t choose my “title” for grandson. DSD and her partner did.

I always said, to her and to my DH “I’m not really grandma and he/she has two lovely grandmas already”. DSD chose my title!!!

I’ve also said from the start, with DH’s own kids (teens) I’m NOT step MUM, I’m Hera. They have a mum. You only get one. I was vilified for that on here, too.

So, if I didn’t want to be Grandma, it’d be “why not, how awful of you” and yet if I did, “how awful, you’ll never be the real grandma”.

I would prefer to become a grandma when my own kids have children, to be fair.

Zo you told them you don't want to be grandma and now you're complaining they don't call you grandma.

The same as you encouraged them to have a separate relationship with their dad and now you're complaining about it.

Maybe they don't refer to you because they don't know what you bloody want!

I think you're just looking for something to complain about now. You haven't been told to stay away, they don't ignore you to your face. They just didn't talk to their dad about wonderful it was to see you. Its not even a thing.

This is going to sound harsh but both my parents remarried when I was young (DM when I was 6 and DF 12) and I don't see either of my step parents as my family. I fully accept them as the spouse of my parent and the are given grandparent status by my dc but they aren't my family. I really don't know why I feel like this and feel quite bad for saying it, but it is simply how I feel.

My dad’s wife is my dad’s wife. He married her, he lives with her... that’s the extent of the relationship to me really. We’re both polite and kind to each other in a distant way but I wouldn’t, for example, go for a day out with her alone. She’s just there with my dad on days out and I accept her being there because it makes my dad happy. He’s much the same either my husband really. I don’t really see the issue.

@HeraInTheHereAndNow

But I didn’t choose my “title” for grandson. DSD and her partner did.

I always said, to her and to my DH “I’m not really grandma and he/she has two lovely grandmas already”. DSD chose my title!!!

I’ve also said from the start, with DH’s own kids (teens) I’m NOT step MUM, I’m Hera. They have a mum. You only get one. I was vilified for that on here, too.

So, if I didn’t want to be Grandma, it’d be “why not, how awful of you” and yet if I did, “how awful, you’ll never be the real grandma”.

I would prefer to become a grandma when my own kids have children, to be fair.

So you've made it clear you're not a mum figure but want to be acknowledged as a fully fledged member of the family? You can't have your cake and eat it too OP

Sorry - I was responding to a different poster about their perceived issues with their DIL. Apologies for failing to address your OP.

I do think that you are possibly expecting too much - they are chatting with their dad about a shared experience via a medium that they know you don't use. I love my step dad very much and consider him to be my kids' grandparent, but I probably don't refer to him THAT much in messages that I know he's unlikely to see. Clearly your husband didn't think it you were excluded to an offensive extent or he wouldn't have shown you, so perhaps that is a sign that it's just you.

It's ok not to feature in all comms - it's not a sign of anything or proof that you're excluded. They are just chatting to their dad.

Damned if I do... damned if I don’t.

Imagine I’d said to DH “You really ought to only see your kids now, with me in tow” ? Or, “I want to be included in EVERYTHING”.

I give in.

Thank you to those who get it, that years of trying hard and taking their lead has gotten me nowhere. I’m irrelevant.

There's something else behind this. You can't put your finger on it yet, but it will come to you eventually. Something triggered this emotion, you are not being hard work, because you have been through so much for this family already.

I’m sorry you feel like this but I expect you feel like the child is a grandchild to you and they feel like your husband is the grandparent and you are a pleasant addition. I’m sure they’re happy to share the day with you etc but as someone who’s mum died before my children were born and my husband’s parents both divorced and remarried I only really honestly consider their biological grandparents as grandparents (they only call them granny/nan/grandad etc etc), the other adults are (mostly) a valued part of their lives but not grandparents to me. Perhaps they feel the same

You said ‘ When DSD was having DGD, she asked me what I wanted to “be”.’ Then you said you did not choose.

I understand what you mean my DH had a DD before we got married he had been split from her mum for years before he met me ,but her mum didn't make things easy over the years things have been tenuous but I try to keep a relationship going for my husband's daughter and my boys as they are half siblings it's not always easy but tbh ,his daughter contacts me now above her dad if she wants to see her brother's etc .

@BoyTree... that’s ok. I’ve posted by mistake, often.

DH was upset. He absolutely gets it. He knows how hard I’ve tried and how, over the years I’ve often happily taken a back seat, so as not offend their mum or upset things. He’d include me in everything, bless him, if I agreed. I do believe it’s important to have a one to one relationship with a parent when they move on with a relationship which they didn’t choose.

[quote HeraInTheHereAndNow]@laudete... as a kid I hated it. Now, I love it. Don’t know another.[/quote]
Pfft. Gillian is a dime a dozen. Hera is a rocking name! :) As soon as grandbaby is old enough, you have to buy them some Greek mythology books and see if you can spark an interest in studying Classics. If they start vibing the "godma"... remember, you heard it here first! If not, can I adopt you as an honorary stepmom? I am so up for having a godmom. lol

@Namechangeforspring2021... I did not say “I WANT to be...” because, had that not been what she’d wanted, she might have agreed to please her dad. I wanted her to be comfortable.