Am I NEVER going to be accepted fully?

[HeraInTheHereAndNow]

I posted a lot on here, years ago.

I married a man who’d been divorced 5 years. His wife had left him. He had three teenagers. I had one child who was 9 when we married. I relocated with my child two weeks before the marriage. We never lived together as we had 150 miles between us so, it was all done in one fell swoop.

DH’s teen son (18) wouldn’t acknowledge me but then, he’d stopped talking to his dad when dad started to move on from the marriage. His eldest daughter was lovely and welcoming (19). Youngest (14) was hard work but, I did understand it was hard for the and hoped it’d get better. It did until youngest refused contact for 5 yrs which was painful and shattering. Nearly split up DH and I.

One day, we all just started to “get on”. Even his youngest DD returned and we’ve had a few years of contact which has been just easy and lovely.

Now, eldest dd has had our first grandchild. Wonderful. Thanks to lockdown, we’ve only seen him 3 times in 9 months. We saw them, first opportunity, on Wednesday this week. We met up half way. Lovely day. Open air picnic. Photos. Great day.

In the evening, DSD sent us her photos. We sent them ours.

Then, DH showed me a photo shared on his and his kids What’s App. I’m not media savvy. It’s their own thing, separate from me. It’s fine. The photos he showed me from the WhatsApp, had comments about the people featured; everyone but me. Like, I’m STILL not included/the invisible woman.

I’m not sure why, but it’s really upset me. Now, 16 yrs into our marriage, I’m still not “part of it”. It was lovely that DSD shared the photos in the family “shared album” but the private one, between themselves? ... I didn’t exist.

Am I being silly?

I had what I thought was a perfectly happy relationship with my stepdaughter, since she was 7. Then I realised it wasn't when her Mum stopped buying my presents for Xmas and birthday as she was old enough to buy her own. Since then not even a card. And now she's married it's carried on. They buy cards and presents for my husband but not me. They don't even include me in a joint Xmas present. This year was the first time my name appeared on a card (I'm sure my husband has said something). Now the grandchild has appeared and he "sends" grandad a present and card, but nothing to me. So think in terms of a present from the family to my husband, and one from the grandson, and cards to match. Think yourself lucky Op, I'm cut to the quick every time, even though I expect it. In person they are perfectly fine with me and seem really happy that grandson likes me. But obviously it's just a front to keep my husband quiet. Honestly there have never been any dramas, no fallings out, nothing. I wasn't the other woman. They just clearly dislike me enough to deliberately want to hurt me. Sorry - I obviously needed to get that out.

@Vinto... just a simple “lovely to see grandpa and grandma today” would’ve been lovely, instead of just grandpa.

Just would have been nice.

I said nothing to dh. He spoke to me this morning. I’m not trying to make a drama out of this but, I suppose I think of us as a family. It was a long awaited family meet up.

With the greatest of respect OP his eldest DD was 19 when you met and you've all had difficult relationships since, I think it's a little presumptuous to say 'our grandchild'. And think it's ridiculous to sulk over not being talked about in a WhatsApp group you aren't part of

Thanks @stablefeet. That sounds dreadful. I guess I ought to feel thankful I was allowed to do the meet up.

just a simple “lovely to see grandpa and grandma today” would’ve been lovely, instead of just grandpa.

But you're not grandma, her mum is. TBH she's probably not sure what to refer to you as. I remember the stress of this with my exH's stepmum. Didn't want to just refer to her as Sue, she wasn't their Nanna, ended up deciding on Nanna Sue

My dad has been with his OH for 18 years. My DM died in an accident a couple of years before that (I was at uni at the time). The OH has totally monopolised my DF since they got together. During our first Christmas without my DM, she insisted he took her home from our house at 7pm and he slept there, leaving me and my young teenage sister alone in our house.

Whenever I’d visit DF, she’d be there. Wherever he visited me, she’d be there. Whenever I FaceTime DF (even now), she crashes the call. Whenever I phone DF (even now), I ask “how are you?” to my DF, he replies “we’re fine”.

Pisses me off greatly. She won’t fuck the fuck off, so that I can have just 1 hour with my DF. She’s his OH, but she’s irrelevant to me. I greatly resent her constant presence. She also doesn’t shut up talking when we’re together. My sister and I have a WhatsApp chat group with just my dad and that’s where we share photos of our DC. That’s the only way we can have 1:1 time with him.

Actually typing all of that makes me even more irate. She even signs our birthday cards etc from my dad 😠

Maybe you could try to let them have a relationship just between your husband and his children.

@BrumBoo... it’s a minefield isn’t it? Imagine how offended my DSD might feel had I said “He’s not MY grandchild” so, I’d rather not see him, enjoy spending (so far, limited) time with him, choosing gifts for him etc. I’d have been vilified for that, surely.

[quote HeraInTheHereAndNow]@BrumBoo... it’s a minefield isn’t it? Imagine how offended my DSD might feel had I said “He’s not MY grandchild” so, I’d rather not see him, enjoy spending (so far, limited) time with him, choosing gifts for him etc. I’d have been vilified for that, surely.[/quote]
Only if she’s as petty as you, perhaps she would have preferred if it was just her Dad.

Op can you understand why you’re doing this? You all get on well, it’s normal to have a WhatsApp with his kids, it’s normal not to comment on you if you’re not on thr chat. What’s causing you to be trying to now cause drama over something so petty and, well, a non existent slight?

You’re making all these dramatic statements, I need to stop trying, I don’t feature etc, when they have done absolutely nothing wrong, nothing bad to you at all and we’re actually lovely.

Do you understand what you’re doing and why? Can you articulate it?

@DissociativeBitch

Look my mum married her husband 12 years ago and they've been together 20 years and I still don't count him as my family. He is my mums husband. He's an ok person, I'm glad he makes my mum happy but we're not exactly close or going to have a relationship. I think you just gotta accept your NOT their mum, your their dads wife. Keep being polite and friendly, don't let it get to you any more though if your not included. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Totally agree.

My mum married her husband ten years ago and I don't count him as family. He is my mother's husband - not my dad, stepdad or my daughters grandfather. The kid was 19 when you met them so you really have no role in their life so why want to try and shoehorn a role?

Also - I think it is very presumptuous to assume you are the grandmother - that is reserved for their mother.

It isn't an easy situation and it's hurtful when you are not added in the mix especially after so many years. My partner always refers to us all as a family, my step kids are young but it will be interesting when they grow up if they will still independently call us all as that. I suppose time will tell. I've got examples in my family where the step family gave really bonded over the years and examples of not.

Though your step children seemed to make an effort for a few years as adults and your step daughter included you. Don't take WhatsApp for anything, it's hard to convey an emotional link in a message. And even if you aren't mentioned it might be just because the discussion was about other things. I'm in my partners extended family WhatsApp but they rarely ever mention me or refer to me, but that's simply because the convo is about other things not a personal snub.

@Urbacodon that sounds so hard, how terrible for you it breaks my heart when people feel they need to be in their stepchildren's lives as if they were their actual parent

But you're not grandma. I think you're expecting too much. Being accepted, yes. Being considered a grandparent, no. Some step children do, but it shouldn't be expected. My mums husband is not grandad to my baby. My dad's girlfriend isn't grandma.

From the other end of this.....my husband has a dad and step-mum. From my kids perspective she is just grandma. They didn't know my husband mum (nor did I). Whilst husband and his brothers are very clear she is step mum - to me and kids she is grandma. I don't care about the rest, or about the difficult history. She is kind to us, looks after us when we are there and gets the same treatment as grandad. I would never leave her off presents or cards. I would never fail to acknowledge her. It would be cruel and mean and spiteful.

I understand why you are hurt.

Why would you even care? If you were sending photos to your own son, would you comment about them?

I can see now that between the four of them, I don’t feature in any way

Of course you don't. Because it is the four of them. In the group of five of you, you do figure.

By the way, I thought you were going to say that you were cut off from seeing the grandchild in some way. But that hasn't happened.

You are a stepmother. It sounds like a valued stepmother. Maybe you could work on why you feel you should be something different?

[quote HeraInTheHereAndNow]@BrumBoo... it’s a minefield isn’t it? Imagine how offended my DSD might feel had I said “He’s not MY grandchild” so, I’d rather not see him, enjoy spending (so far, limited) time with him, choosing gifts for him etc. I’d have been vilified for that, surely.[/quote]
But she hasn't said "he's not YOUR grandchild so I'd rather you not see him, spend time with him or buy him gifts." Did she? All she did was not refer to you as grandma.

[quote HeraInTheHereAndNow]@BrumBoo... it’s a minefield isn’t it? Imagine how offended my DSD might feel had I said “He’s not MY grandchild” so, I’d rather not see him, enjoy spending (so far, limited) time with him, choosing gifts for him etc. I’d have been vilified for that, surely.[/quote]
@HeraInTheHereAndNow
I'm afraid it's not really your choice though, even though it's evident that you would like to be recognised as grandmother it's a decision only your stepdaughter can make. It may not feel natural to her right now to refer to you as the child's grandmother, when her own mum and MiL already hold that title 'officially'. It's an absolutely personal choice, the only one you'd have is if she wanted you to be 'Granny X' but you'd rather just be 'X'.

I feel the same way about my dad’s partner urbacodon.

I’m a step mum too, but i am under no illusions I am anywhere near important to my DSS as DH hopes I am. I am not his mum, and I tell DH not to try and force it. To be fair to DSS he is not rude or dismissive of me, I care for him of course I do, but I know that it is mostly one way, and I’m fine with it.

@Urbacodon... ok, now I object.

I have...

Always encouraged DH to have a separate relationship with his kids. Meals/time/holidays with them, without me. Always. He hasn’t always wanted to but, I grew up in a second marriage situation and I know absolutely, how important it is not to lose the relationship with your parent, JUST your parent, when they are in another relationship or remarry. I have always “gone along with” whatever has been decided by them. Always.

When DSD was having DGD, she asked me what I wanted to “be”. I said “well, he/she will have two lovely nannas so, I could be just Hera if you’d prefer, it’s up to you and your DH”. I was very aware that DSD’s mum might be annoyed at my “muscling in” as a third Nanna. DSD told me what to “be”. I was happy to go along with that.

Good grief, I’m thinking I ought may be to just back away from it and let them enjoy the relationship with dad/grandpa as I think they may prefer.

As a step-whatever, there really is no “right thing to do”.

It is far, far more likely to just be a slightly thoughtless omission rather than anything deliberately unkind or exclusionary.

Please don't dwell on this OP, you have come through a whole load of difficult times, just make the most of the good bits.

So you arrived on the scene when the oldest were adults? I think you want more from them than they are willing to give.

You will have to adjust your expectations. Is their mum on the scene?

This isn’t your grandchild, it’s your husbands. It is lovely that you have a better relationship, but don’t push too hard. You can’t force the children to think of you as a parent.

[quote HeraInTheHereAndNow]@Vinto... just a simple “lovely to see grandpa and grandma today” would’ve been lovely, instead of just grandpa.

Just would have been nice.

I said nothing to dh. He spoke to me this morning. I’m not trying to make a drama out of this but, I suppose I think of us as a family. It was a long awaited family meet up.[/quote]
Maybe you need some SM perspective? Our parents are married, first marriage, no step anything. We have a WhatsApp fam group with both parents and one with just mom. We sometimes tag dad in the "dad" group but, tbh, it's fairly dead. Everyone posts in other groups like 99% of the time. If we wanted to say, "Lovely to see mom and dad today," we'd have to say it to his face because he'd never read it. He's not into SM. He's legit family.

You seem to be accepted fully as their dads wife. That isn't the same as being their mum or a grandma to their children.

I was a stepchild. My mums second husband eventually adopted us and was never anything but a loving father figure to us. That was his choice. To his wider family however family we were always `'John’s wife's children'. They were kind and welcoming as most people are to children they know but we weren't related to them, they hadn't chosen to be in our lives and they didn't assume a non-existent connection. My mum tried to force things a few times but it fizzled out because neither dad's family or us kids wanted the change.