Am I NEVER going to be accepted fully?

[HeraInTheHereAndNow]

I posted a lot on here, years ago.

I married a man who’d been divorced 5 years. His wife had left him. He had three teenagers. I had one child who was 9 when we married. I relocated with my child two weeks before the marriage. We never lived together as we had 150 miles between us so, it was all done in one fell swoop.

DH’s teen son (18) wouldn’t acknowledge me but then, he’d stopped talking to his dad when dad started to move on from the marriage. His eldest daughter was lovely and welcoming (19). Youngest (14) was hard work but, I did understand it was hard for the and hoped it’d get better. It did until youngest refused contact for 5 yrs which was painful and shattering. Nearly split up DH and I.

One day, we all just started to “get on”. Even his youngest DD returned and we’ve had a few years of contact which has been just easy and lovely.

Now, eldest dd has had our first grandchild. Wonderful. Thanks to lockdown, we’ve only seen him 3 times in 9 months. We saw them, first opportunity, on Wednesday this week. We met up half way. Lovely day. Open air picnic. Photos. Great day.

In the evening, DSD sent us her photos. We sent them ours.

Then, DH showed me a photo shared on his and his kids What’s App. I’m not media savvy. It’s their own thing, separate from me. It’s fine. The photos he showed me from the WhatsApp, had comments about the people featured; everyone but me. Like, I’m STILL not included/the invisible woman.

I’m not sure why, but it’s really upset me. Now, 16 yrs into our marriage, I’m still not “part of it”. It was lovely that DSD shared the photos in the family “shared album” but the private one, between themselves? ... I didn’t exist.

Am I being silly?

28 years married still not accepted. Sorry.

I think it's difficult because the children were older when you married their dad. This means that they might not see you as their 'stepmum' but rather their dad's partner.

I grew up with a stepmum and love her (almost) as much as my dad. She's an integral part of my family.

My mum, on the other hand, met her partner when I was an adult. Whilst he's lovely and I love how happy he makes my mum, I don't have that same bond.

That being said, I always make sure he feels welcome and would definitely make a point of saying it was lovely to see both him and my mum. I suppose because you're not in the chat they might not have considered your feelings?

Just one thing to note, whilst you came to your stepdaughter's life relatively late, that's not the case with her child. Since you're all getting on well now, there's no reason to think that you won't be loved as 'grandma', and this might help you bond with your stepdaughter too.

I wouldn't read too much into the group chat. I don't think it has the significance that you are reading into it.
I think this has come up because a new baby in a family makes everyone readjust their position and think about relationships and where they all fit. Everyone has to get used to moving up, from child to parent, parent to grandparent.
Give it time and let everything settle and see what emerges organically - usually the child decides who you are to them.
You do sound like a lovely step mum. I think it's just really hard to come into children's lives at the best of times but let alone during the teen years. They might be feeling conflicted - total acceptance of you as a mum/grandma might feel disloyal to to their own mum, even though it was their own mum's choice to leave their dad. Having a new baby in the family throws up all sorts of emotions that you thought were dealt with.

@Pasitheaawful. So sorry. I think I need to step back. Waaaay back.

@Milkshake7489 and @MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously. Thanks for being so kind. And wise 😊

@HeraInTheHereAndNow I'm sorry for the blood in the water reaction of some sharks on here. I see where you are coming from in your post. It's ok to feel the way you feel.

I never liked my Dad's girlfriend. I didn't really dislike her either. But she never felt like part of my family. She was just my dad's girlfriend. She was a stranger to me.

I think you are expecting too much. They dont have to love you, and you dont need their love to survive. As long as you are all civil to each other, it is fine. If your dad had a girlfriend , after your mother, would she mean a lot to you? She wouldnt would she. She is just some one that is there

Do you ever message your DSD independently of your H? Could you message her to say how much you enjoyed the day and how lovely the photos are? She may respond in a way that reassures you that your fears are groundless.
Also, it sounds as though your main problems were with her younger sister. Don't let that lead you to make assumptions about your relationship with the elder DD, who you said was welcoming from the start.

Sorry you feel like this OP. But you need to find a way to accept it.

My Dad's partner is nice, I like her. They've been together 20 years. My DCs like her too. But she's not my Mum. & she's not my DC's grandmother, my Mum is. So that's the main focus and bond. I suppose I just don't think about my Dad's partner unless I see her.

If you were in photo I think I'd have commented but some people just wouldn't think to. & you're not in the WhatsApp group so you wouldn't necessarily come to mind.

"Just one thing to note, whilst you came to your stepdaughter's life relatively late, that's not the case with her child. Since you're all getting on well now, there's no reason to think that you won't be loved as 'grandma', and this might help you bond with your stepdaughter too."

This.

I was a young adult when my dad remarried, years after my parents' divorced. My DS arrived nearly 2 decades after that.

Dad's wife was never "stepmum" to me as perhaps she might have been if I'd been younger when I got to know her, and I expected her to be "auntie" or similar to DS before he arrived. But she just naturally became "grandma" to him. In fact, he is closer to her now than he is to my dad. And as my son's grandma, she has become "family" to me in a way she wasn't before. Don't force it, and hopefully you will all grow closer as the baby grows into a toddler and a child.

@Pasithea

28 years married still not accepted. Sorry.

I totally feel for you OP! 35 years married and I'm still not accepted. I've bent over backwards to the point that my family think that I am a contortionist!!! I do everything to please DSC but they are inherently rude not just to me but their general demeanour. DH struggles with how they are with me but he just wants to keep the peace so doesn't say what he feels. I've now stepped back and I'm just letting them get on with it. It's quite liberating after trying too hard for more years than I can remember! 💐

Why do stepmothers expect their stepchildren to love them? It is not a natural bond. If they don't want anything to do with you, respect it.

In fact, families can get along much better, when the stepmother does not see the stepchildren at all.

OP, if you have Amazon Prime, there's a movie for free on there now called 'Daddy's home 2'. You still have to pay to watch 'Daddy's home'. It's about a blended family and two grandfathers. One gets jealous of the other being called Pop Pops and decides that his title is El Padre.

hope this link works Daddy's Home 2

You don't need to step back at all. Considering how hard it was in the beginning, you and his DCs are in a good place. I'm not sure why you want to destroy that simply because a conversation between them and their dad didn't mention you. That's incredibly self-destructive.

Their dad will always be the most important person to them out of the two of you. It would be madness if that wasn't the case, given how old they were when you came into their lives. They love him. They like you. That's how it should be.

I find it entirely natural that they should say 'it was great to see dad today'. Of course it was. He's their dad, they love him, he lives a long way away and they don't see him often.

Given you don't see them much and they don't know you all that well, the fact that they were happy to see you and involve you in the celebrations is something to be happy about, and something that a lot of SM's would kill for.

Don't ruin it by over-reacting to something perfectly natural.

I was just thinking - after my parents divorced, my dad got a new girlfriend. My dads girlfriend, and he was with her for a very long time - for 20 years, means absolutelt nothing to me. Like she is just like a total stranger. I dont wish her any harm. But she is just like someone that I would pass on the street.

Are stepmothers expecting too much?

@Sarahtrue What are you in about!?

Imagine if, I’d posted “They don’t love me, I don’t love them, I don’t want anything, at all, to do with them”.

You’re ridiculous. I love DH. He loves his kids. I care about them, wish the best for them. I’d like to be included. If not, I couldn’t possibly be in a relationship with their father.

OP you sound like you mean well but maybe like you are expecting a bit much. You came into their life at a relatively late age and you will most likely be seen as their dads wife, not part of their family.

Do you really care if you’re called grandma? Do you really see that baby as your grandchild?

I always said, to her and to my DH “I’m not really grandma and he/she has two lovely grandmas already”. DSD chose my title!!!

Maybe this is why she didn't refer to you as grandma?

The baby's only just here, it probably would feel really awkward to her just now to call you grandma. Give it time.

@HeraInTheHereAndNow what you are saying to me, sounds as strange as what I am saying to you.

Because I had no relationship with my stepmother at all. She was with my father for twenty years. She didnt want a relationship with me and i didnt want a relationship with her. We were total strangers to each other.
If I ever saw my father, I saw him alone in my grandmothers house, or at my house , or in public places. I never saw his girlfriend.

And I know many other stepmothers/stepchildren who are like this.

That you think that you should be entitled to a close relationship with your stepchildren seems very strange to me!

You don't need their love to be happy.

Focus on your relationship. You can be totally happy, even if his children are distant with you. Try to look at it that way. It is only you expecting more that is making you unhappy. You could actually be perfectly happy if you accept it as it is

@Sarahtrue... I don’t feel entitled. Not at all. But I do know this, had I not been receptive to his children there’d have been no relationship. That was the kind of parent he was. The good man he is.

There’s no entitlement. I’ve worked at it for him. For them. And, for myself because if we cannot all be a “pseudo family” even though it’s not their choice, they weren’t toddlers when we met, I knew that in a few short years they’d be adults and we’d hopefully “rub along”.

I suppose it’s a bit of a lost cause, really, if they have the attitude you had to your father’s girlfriend. Must have been awful for the three of you. Meeting separately.

[quote HeraInTheHereAndNow]@Sarahtrue... I don’t feel entitled. Not at all. But I do know this, had I not been receptive to his children there’d have been no relationship. That was the kind of parent he was. The good man he is.

There’s no entitlement. I’ve worked at it for him. For them. And, for myself because if we cannot all be a “pseudo family” even though it’s not their choice, they weren’t toddlers when we met, I knew that in a few short years they’d be adults and we’d hopefully “rub along”.

I suppose it’s a bit of a lost cause, really, if they have the attitude you had to your father’s girlfriend. Must have been awful for the three of you. Meeting separately.[/quote]
OP I'm with you, my DH wouldn't have been the good father he is today without me behind him. I made sure birthday gifts were sent, regular phone calls made and meet ups arranged.
My late DF died about 15 years ago and it was my inheritance that gave the DSC their house deposits not their DF who is rubbish with money.
Still in their eyes I'm just an appendage to DH. For goodness sake one of them even still has a photo of DH, ExW and DSC as a family group up in the house. Not one of their half siblings aka my DC.

I didn't mean to sound cold. Reading back, I sound a bit cold. You sound like a caring person. Just know that them not being super loving to you is very normal in this situation. And it doesnt reflect on you as a person at all. I hope you find your happiness

@TheQueensCousin... I have to say, I’m not that generous. Anything I pass on will be to my own kids.

That’s very sad.

@Sarahtrue... don’t worry, love. That’s fine. And thank you.

I really don’t need them to love me. I am well loved 🥰

Very lucky, in that respect.