Am I NEVER going to be accepted fully?

[HeraInTheHereAndNow]

I posted a lot on here, years ago.

I married a man who’d been divorced 5 years. His wife had left him. He had three teenagers. I had one child who was 9 when we married. I relocated with my child two weeks before the marriage. We never lived together as we had 150 miles between us so, it was all done in one fell swoop.

DH’s teen son (18) wouldn’t acknowledge me but then, he’d stopped talking to his dad when dad started to move on from the marriage. His eldest daughter was lovely and welcoming (19). Youngest (14) was hard work but, I did understand it was hard for the and hoped it’d get better. It did until youngest refused contact for 5 yrs which was painful and shattering. Nearly split up DH and I.

One day, we all just started to “get on”. Even his youngest DD returned and we’ve had a few years of contact which has been just easy and lovely.

Now, eldest dd has had our first grandchild. Wonderful. Thanks to lockdown, we’ve only seen him 3 times in 9 months. We saw them, first opportunity, on Wednesday this week. We met up half way. Lovely day. Open air picnic. Photos. Great day.

In the evening, DSD sent us her photos. We sent them ours.

Then, DH showed me a photo shared on his and his kids What’s App. I’m not media savvy. It’s their own thing, separate from me. It’s fine. The photos he showed me from the WhatsApp, had comments about the people featured; everyone but me. Like, I’m STILL not included/the invisible woman.

I’m not sure why, but it’s really upset me. Now, 16 yrs into our marriage, I’m still not “part of it”. It was lovely that DSD shared the photos in the family “shared album” but the private one, between themselves? ... I didn’t exist.

Am I being silly?

I think location plays a part in this too. I have been married to my OH now for nearly 10 years. My children were 14, 18 and 21 when their father and I divorced.

My youngest has gone through periods of living with us and thinks of my OH as a father. My middle child (eldest daughter) has 2 children now. They live about 30 minutes from us and we do childcare one day a week for the 2 children - aged 5 & 3.. My grand-daughters definitely think of my husband as their grandad. As far as they are concerned we and my SILs parents are their grannies and grandads. Their biological grandad - my children's father - still lives locally but chooses only to see them maybe 2 or 3 times a year. They call him 'Grandad X'. It's down to familiarity I think and who is playing a major role in their lives

@laudete... 😂. Yeah, ok!

I’m really hoping (but not holding my breath) that little grandson will choose his own name for me. And I’ll be happy to go with that.

If They were baby pics it only natural only mother and baby get commented on surely ? what kind of comment would you have expected ? Maybe the commenters don't know you or are mindful of not commenting
I'd certainly not comment on a public forum on someone's step parent

@99victoria... you’re right.

We live miles from them. Even allowing for Covid, well not be popping in or collecting him from school. Familiarity is key. The little mite is tiny. Early days 😊

@nitsandwormsdodger... Two people in a ohoto. One baby.

Photo shared with DHs kids.

Not a public forum. WhatsApp

[quote HeraInTheHereAndNow]@Namechangeforspring2021... I did not say “I WANT to be...” because, had that not been what she’d wanted, she might have agreed to please her dad. I wanted her to be comfortable.[/quote]
My point still stands, if she thought of you as a grandmother she wouldn’t have asked, I wonder if she thought you’d have issue with it and therefore asked you to try and side step any drama.

You are being very childish OP. Good grief a few people don’t talk about you in a group chat between themselves (which surely would have been a bit rude anyway wouldn’t it) and you start calling acting the martyrs calling yourself irrelevant and saying you won’t bother any more. 🙄. I honestly thought you were going to say your DH showed you the photos and you and you had been airbrushed out of them!

You have told them you are not mum, not grandmother and then you complain that they don’t call you grandma.

@HeraInTheHereAndNow
You sound like a good step mum. And if you want to be in the grandchild life you can be. My husbands stepmum REFUSES to be called grandma or Nana dispite the fact I want her to have that kind of relationship with my child. She's family the more grandparents the better. I had 4 sets of grandparents. All I called grandmas or grandads regardless of being Step to my mum or dad. So I personally don't understand where she's coming from unless she feels like it's calling her old...

She's a part of the family dispite the fact she's a step, it makes no difference being a step or not in my eyes. Family is family no matter where you come from or at what point you come in. As long as your not a twat (Like step father in law is) it's all good.

@Aprilx... perhaps you ought to read the full thread.

Some posters criticised me for wanting/assuming the role of grandma. Others, saying “How dare you assume the role of grandma!” Same with being a Stepmum.

Again... damned if you do...

I think in the WhatsApp group it would be odd to talk about people who weren’t in the group. It doesn’t sound like they exclude you in everyday life.

I suspect it’s because of when you came into their lives. My MIL remarried when DH was an adult and her latest husband will only ever be that, not family or a stepfather. That’s quite a different relationship than the one he has with his stepmother because his dad remarried when he was still a child. She’s a grandparent to our children, his mother’s husband isn’t. There’s no animosity with anyone, it just isn’t the same type of relationship.

@Sitchervice... I don’t think I’m a twat... but now I’ve read the replies 🤔

[quote HeraInTheHereAndNow]@laudete... 😂. Yeah, ok!

I’m really hoping (but not holding my breath) that little grandson will choose his own name for me. And I’ll be happy to go with that.[/quote]
Sweet! :)

Be careful what you wish for... I know a few people with kids who have invented the most rando names for grandparents. I can't actually post the names as it'd be way too outing. But, they are nothing like "grandma" or "grandpa" in any language* I recognise! My own kids made up a name for my dad that is super weird too. As you haven't been firm on a name for yourself, it is actually more likely he'll invent something to fill the void. Just remember it will be invented with affection - because you will be stuck with it for-eh-ver, including with people who used to know your real name. (When I'm talking about a friend's parents who have one of those names, even I say, "Friend's mom/dad and [cool child-invented name].")

*I'm not talking about an oma, nene, abuela, mama, etc. Like: totes rando not "real" names.

@PaquitaVariation.. I take your point.

Actually, I think, in reading this thread, that possibly I’ve tried too hard. Taking a backseat when necessary. Stepping up when needed.

I’m nearly 60. Too old for discord.

@HeraInTheHereAndNow

Damned if I do... damned if I don’t.

Imagine I’d said to DH “You really ought to only see your kids now, with me in tow” ? Or, “I want to be included in EVERYTHING”.

I give in.

Thank you to those who get it, that years of trying hard and taking their lead has gotten me nowhere. I’m irrelevant.

I ‘get it’ and I’ve never had a step parent or been a step mother or a step anything......don’t listen to the hate on here

@Kitkat151... It’s bloody brutal, isn’t it? 😂

I’m nearly 60. Too old for discord.

Sixty is no age at all. I bet you'll join Discord if it's still around when grandbaby is older and sets up a group. And, while I'm still teasing you a little (as I suspect you don't know what Discord is), my point is it is super easy to misinterpret how SM is used if you don't use SM. You sound like a fun stepmom and grandma. I think the future is looking good for you. x

I can see where you're coming from. We have 3 sets of grandparents for our DCs with a 'step grandparent' in and we're really careful to treat them equally as far as possible. Hopefully they were just a little thoughtless rather than trying to make a point.

It sounds like you really care and ultimately that's what your grandson will grow up with and value.

@HeraInTheHereAndNow you didn't sound like a twat to me. You sound like someone who wanted to do the right thing and not be over bearing on your step kids. You gave them the respect they deserved.

I NEVER get mentioned in groups in my husbands family and our wedding photos are not up in their house like the other kids wedding photos are. They just don't like me, but it won't stop me from making sure my kids get a good relationship with them. My relationship with my in laws is mine alone.

Step father inlaw was a twat because he chose to go to a bike meeting instead of his step sons wedding and made mother in law turn up crying on the day because she felt like a failure.

I think this is an overreaction, possibly as you're not very familiar with how they all use WhatsApp. Different conversations will be going on in different chats. With our family, sometimes my sister shares a picture of my niblings just with me, sometimes on a family chat with us, her husband and our dad. I know they also have a different chat group with the in-laws where pics also get shared. Likewise I have friend chats with my larger friendship circle, smaller groups within the bigger group and also one to one chats.
The same photos might be shared in any of those groups but the discussion about them is likely to be different depending on who is in the group. It doesn't mean mentioning or not mentioning someone reflects on the relationship in any way.

I wonder if they have misread your efforts not to impose yourself as a mum figure as you wanting to keep some distance?
Could she have seen your reticence (for all the right reasons) to claim grandma status as you not wanting the role, and perhaps now doesn't know on what basis to include you?
So, not saying grandad and grandma so as not to force the role onto you?

@Sitchervice ... you have a good attitude toward the difficulties. I suppose I just didn’t expect, all these years later, to be where I am.

@HeraInTheHereAndNow thank you. Ive never had step parents my self tbh, but I just hate the idea of anyone being left out.

I suspect lockdown hasn't helped things for you if I'm honest. Especially if you and your husband haven't been able to be involved with the new baby as much as you'd like to be.

Maybe try buying a few gifts for baby if you haven't already. Or when restrictions lift further, if you and husband are nipping over to see them, ask if she wants you to bring anything. Little things make a big difference. Unfortunately you may never get the relationship you'd like but you can't ever say you never tried and you will be remembered, everyone is.

[quote HeraInTheHereAndNow]@Sitchervice ... you have a good attitude toward the difficulties. I suppose I just didn’t expect, all these years later, to be where I am.[/quote]
And where is that? Being included in days out with your husband’s family and then not talked about in a group chat you are not in?

@HeraInTheHereAndNow it’s obvious you’re upset, but I honestly think you’re reading far too much into this.
We all visited by husband’s dad & step-mam this afternoon. I’ve since sent her a couple of pics, and on the message I wrote ‘it was so lovely to see you today’. I obviously had a lovely time, seeing my husband’s dad too. I didn’t miss his name out of the message out of spite, it’s just that he won’t read it. Please don’t get yourself worked up over something that probably doesn’t even mean anything

@5128gap... I see what you mean. You see, she DH and I got together, his kids were all teens so, not little. And, he isn’t a widower. They have a perfectly good mum, albeit, not with their dad. They took the divorce badly. It was hard for them but, I came along years later and dad had had a few female friends in the interim. I don’t think he was ever supposed to move on.

What I’m saying is, it was NEVER EVER on the cards that I’d be stepmum. I was told in no uncertain terms by youngest, that I was not to even think of myself, in that way. Which to be fair, I didn’t. I have my own child. I’m a very happy mum to him.

@PinkArt... you’re right. I’m not SM savvy. I do know that his three have to be careful what’s shared in that DH and his Ex have an astonishingly bad relationship, post divorce. Can’t bear to be in the same room. My Ex and I rub along, for kids sake. The WhatsApp group is limited to DH and his 3 kids.