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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband sent a little too much money to his parents

262 replies

faithfulbird20 · 03/04/2021 13:11

Okay so I gave birth almost 5 weeks ago.

I've kinda been using up the cupboards since haven't been able to go shopping. Husband took me shopping almost 2 weeks ago and was like will it be done in 10-12 pounds and I was like omg. This week everything ran out and we didn't have basic things like bread etc. He sent 150 pounds to his parents abroad and I got quite angry saying why did you send 150 when normally u send 110-120. Plus the exchange rate in currency was quite high so he didn't need to.

DH and I had a full blown argument and he said so what if I sent it. I earn 2 grand a month and I can send it, it's not your money blah blah blah. When we got pregnant he didn't want me to work and we agreed I'd be a Sahm. I feel quite tired from arguing but AIBU to be angry about it?

OP posts:
pepsicolagirl · 03/04/2021 13:17

Does he send 120 every month!? That seems like a fair chunk if your household only has 1 income? Do they need it?

TheWernethWife · 03/04/2021 13:18

"Its not your money" - the cheeky twat.

Of course he doesn't want you to work, wants you depending on him for money. As soon as you can, get a full time job and get financial independence.

AgentJohnson · 03/04/2021 13:21

When we got pregnant he didn't want me to work and we agreed I'd be a Sahm.

Now you know the price of that decision, reverse it and don’t be financially dependent on this knob. Feeding his child and the mother of his child isn’t one of his priorities, so it has to be yours.

Bringonspring · 03/04/2021 13:23

I’d be making sure that you were picking up your career soon!

VerityWibbleWobble · 03/04/2021 13:23

Your dh expects to feed two grown adults, one probably breastfeeding, on £10-12 per week and then sends over £100 to his parents?

Is he generally clueless about the cost of living? Do you have access to money? Is he helping out around the house whilst you're looking after your newborn?

pepsicolagirl · 03/04/2021 13:23

..and don't forget that he should be paying half the childcare too!

Tal45 · 03/04/2021 13:24

Why is he sending money to his parents? Does he owe them money?

Greenrubber · 03/04/2021 13:26

Why does he send money to his parents every month?
I'm a SAHM my husband gives me money at the start of the month because I do all the shopping etc
When we decided I wasn't going to go back to work we sat and worked out what I spend per month and that's what he gives me
I don't really care what he does with his money as long as all the bills are paid and there's food on the table
If I need anything extra he gives me it
I like it like this
I might add tho he always tells me what he's buying and ask my advice because he sees his pay as our money not his

UserTwice · 03/04/2021 13:28

So he sent £30 more than normal in a month? If you're ok with him sending £120, I think getting annoyed over the extra money (£7.50 a week?) is a bit strange. However, if you can barely afford food, then perhaps you need (as a couple) to review whether you can afford to send this money to his parents at all and whether you can afford a SAHM. I'm guessing his parents are struggling though, which will make it a difficult conversation.

VerityWibbleWobble · 03/04/2021 13:28

Actually scrap what I said about 'helping out', I feel like crap and my head is full of cotton wool. What I should have said was is he doing everything around the house, getting up in the night and generally centreing you and the baby.

Orchidflower1 · 03/04/2021 13:29

If he’s going to be nasty and a pita then perhaps work out your “wage” cooking, cleaning, childcare, man child care, shopping etc. He couldn’t afford you!!

AfternoonToffee · 03/04/2021 13:29

2k a month isn't that much (Is that pre or post tax?) and certainly not enough to be sending £150 a month off when you have a child to clothe and feed. Do you have rent/mortgage to pay?

This is only going to get worse, if he thinks a family can be fed for £10 pounds he is going to be in for a right old shock when baby starts needing shoes etc.

(I earn similar so I am not judging the wage but it still isn't a massive amount)

joysexjoysex · 03/04/2021 13:29

He took you shopping two weeks ago and only let you spend £10? Do you have a card or bank access yourself op?

Original poster
faithfulbird20 · 03/04/2021 13:30

@pepsicolagirl they think it's their God given right to ask their sons for money every month. My MIL makes him feel inadequate if he doesn't. It's my husbands fault tbh. I don't think he cares or thinks 'we'll manage'.

@TheWernethWife I will do but that might be another few years since I literally just give birth. He was happy to use up all my savings.

@VerityWibbleWobble I don't have access to money. It's his bank account. I just can use it online. Not for going out etc unless I ask him for it. But if I use it he automatically thinks if she's using it on herself let me send my parents money.

OP posts:
diwrnachoflleyn · 03/04/2021 13:30

The fuck I'd be a SAHP with this person. In fact, he'd no longer be my husband.

AmandaHoldensLips · 03/04/2021 13:30

Go back to work as soon as possible and make him share all childcare and domestic responsibilities. That includes looking after his child.

Men like that don't understand what "wife" means. They want an unpaid servant.

AmandaHoldensLips · 03/04/2021 13:31

Him refusing you access to money is financial abuse. It's a crime. You need to sort this right now.

AnyFucker · 03/04/2021 13:33

Being a SAHM with no access to money with this man ?

Big mistake. Huge.

AfternoonToffee · 03/04/2021 13:35

OP what is the cultural and family background? Is there other brothers that send money?

UhtredRagnarson · 03/04/2021 13:35

Earns £2k a month but can’t feed is wide and child? Hmm twat

UhtredRagnarson · 03/04/2021 13:35

*wife

UhtredRagnarson · 03/04/2021 13:36

BTW incase it hasn’t sunk in yet OP you are incredibly vulnerable now. Forget being a SAHM. Go back to work once baby is a bit older and keep all your salary. Then leave him. This man will never support you.

Shoppingwithmother · 03/04/2021 13:37

I would not be at all comfortable being a SAHM in a situation where my husband “gave” me some of “his” money each month or week, and you had to ask for money if you wanted anything else.

If one of the parents is staying at home, particularly if the other parent wants them to then they are doing that for the good of the family. Any money coming in should be family money and the SAHP should have equal access to it as a joint account.

greatauntfanny · 03/04/2021 13:37

The bit you need to be careful of, OP, is the ‘it’s not your money’ bit.

He’s your husband, you are the mother of his child. You have given up employment to be a stay at home parent. You are now financially dependent on him, yet he sees his money as belonging to him. He does not see you as a unit.

Be careful, OP. Lots of women fall into this position. Some husbands begin seeing their families as an expense, a drain on ‘their’ income. They end up restricting the amount they give to their wives and children, almost like pocket money. They become critical of every little spend, and the wives end up having to skimp on their own and sometimes their children’s necessities. Things like self care products are the first to go. Hand cream becomes a rare treat, even if your skin is crusting off. Forget about a new bag, that would be a hopeless extravagance, and if your husband buys you one he’ll go on about it for months as proof you’re spoilt.

It’s such a shit position to be in.

KatharinaRosalie · 03/04/2021 13:37

You cannot be a SAHM if he sees family income as his only and you have no access to money.

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