Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband sent a little too much money to his parents

262 replies

faithfulbird20 · 03/04/2021 13:11

Okay so I gave birth almost 5 weeks ago.

I've kinda been using up the cupboards since haven't been able to go shopping. Husband took me shopping almost 2 weeks ago and was like will it be done in 10-12 pounds and I was like omg. This week everything ran out and we didn't have basic things like bread etc. He sent 150 pounds to his parents abroad and I got quite angry saying why did you send 150 when normally u send 110-120. Plus the exchange rate in currency was quite high so he didn't need to.

DH and I had a full blown argument and he said so what if I sent it. I earn 2 grand a month and I can send it, it's not your money blah blah blah. When we got pregnant he didn't want me to work and we agreed I'd be a Sahm. I feel quite tired from arguing but AIBU to be angry about it?

OP posts:
Sciurus83 · 03/04/2021 16:53

Get a plan to get back to work, and don't have any more kids until you have financial independence from him. You can't live like this

SeaShoreGalore · 03/04/2021 16:56

Is there some kind of BDSM dynamic to relationship? Because an unpaid servant is a slave.

Captpike · 03/04/2021 16:59

If that's the culture DH was raised in it isn't reasonable to expect him to stop sending money.

It is if he's prioritising it over feeding his family.

theDudesmummy · 03/04/2021 17:14

I know a PP has said that people should not be telling you what to do including whether to go to work, but honestly, you need to financially independent of this particular man, and realistically that means going to work. Start looking into childcare and into getting back to work, even if part-time, in a couple of months.

Being a SAHP will not work in this particular relatiosnhip, and he is unlikely to change enough for it ever to. Whether you stay in the relationship or go is another matter, but either way, you need to stop being financially dependant on him. (I don't disapprove in general of one member of a couple being financially dependent on the other, that is completely the case in my own marriage, but the people have to have the same understanding about the sharing and allocation anof finances. I also don't have a problem with adults financially supporting their parents, again, this is the case in my family at the moment (pandemic related)). But you cannot be financially dependent on this particular man.

Adultfemale2020 · 03/04/2021 17:19

Absolutely. It must be a joint account. There is nothing wrong being a SAHM but the family resources must be shared between both of you.

BigPaperBag · 03/04/2021 17:21

Charge him nanny rates. Then he’ll get a shock.

Oileoloe · 03/04/2021 17:22

Another perspective- we do this and did when younger with a similar amount/ income.
The country just isn’t set up not to. Our parents grew up with a system without a need to save/ ability (soviet) and now additionally live in a country with costly food/ clothing etc and pensions that are tiny. Without the family sharing they wouldn’t get by. I don’t begrudge it. Our money means they have a good income back home, they live comfortably and simply with enough food etc and access health care. Without it they’d never maintain a healthy diet and would slide into real poverty.

apalledandshocked · 03/04/2021 17:22

I know lots of people who "send money home". NONE of them would take food out of their children's (or their partners) mouths to do it. That is the issue here - if he was earning 5000 a month and sending back a few hundred a month it would be fine. If he was earning 1500 a month and sending back what he could afford after the both of you had spent what needed spending on food, clothes etc then it would be fine (assuming you both agreed). But its the fact that:

  1. the amount sent back is clearly unaffordable
  2. the financial control aspect - you have no say in what he does with his money, he sees it as "his money" not yours, you are at risk of going hingry
  3. The fact he persuaded you to be a SAHM and spent all your savings

Those things are what make him terrible.

jessstan2 · 03/04/2021 17:25

@Christmasfairy2020

Do his family live in a 3rd world country? It is the norm that sons send money from what I'm aware
..and daughters.

I have known people who send money 'home' to their families every month and that is accepted as normal.

The thing is, the family who live abroad have little idea of what it costs to live here unless they visit for a prolonged stay.

The op's husband earns decent money and can afford to send some to his parents; however he can also afford to give his wife some decent housekeeping money. They are a partnership. The other thing he can do is pick up things from shops on his way to and from work.

They really need to have a good conversation without either becoming heated. I agree with everyone who says she must plan to go back to work in a few months. In the meantime she should not be stressed out with such a young baby to care for, she needs consideration from her husband or he will eventually lose her.

Figgygal · 03/04/2021 17:25

Go back to work when you can op it will always be like this

apalledandshocked · 03/04/2021 17:27

@Oileoloe

Another perspective- we do this and did when younger with a similar amount/ income. The country just isn’t set up not to. Our parents grew up with a system without a need to save/ ability (soviet) and now additionally live in a country with costly food/ clothing etc and pensions that are tiny. Without the family sharing they wouldn’t get by. I don’t begrudge it. Our money means they have a good income back home, they live comfortably and simply with enough food etc and access health care. Without it they’d never maintain a healthy diet and would slide into real poverty.
Yes, its not the taking care of relatives back home that is the issue, I have sent money to my mum in the past (I would do more but culturally she doesnt want to accept it) and I know lots of people who support their parents/extended family. The money often does a lot of good and has in some cases paid for neices/nephews schooling, new businesses etc. Its the fact that in doing so he has left his wife and child with no ability to maintain a healthy diet - basically in the exact same poverty you want to spare your own parents from. Plus his general attitude of "its my money". That would be worrying regardless of what he was doing with it (he could be putting it all into their pensions, or spending it all on the horses hes still leaving her without enough and telling her she has no right to complain.)
SpeakingFranglais · 03/04/2021 17:32

Not another one

DragonPoop · 03/04/2021 17:35

I’m a sahm, my husband works full time, his salary goes into our joint account (which we both have cards to access)
He considers it fully ‘our’ money, I can use it whenever I wish (as can he) but we often consult each other on bigger purchases before we buy just out of respect to each other, and we both are aware of our monthly budget so that we stick to it.
If this wasn’t the case I wouldn’t not be a SAHM and I wouldn’t be married to him.
Please rethink OP your in a very vulnerable situation

Starlightstarbright1 · 03/04/2021 17:36

I am guessing there are cultural issues here...

Do seek safe advice.. Did you have a job before Maternity leave? can you go back? is child benefit in your name?

The more you write the more concerning it reads.

Lovedove · 03/04/2021 17:39

In honesty this is why I couldn’t be a sahm. I need my own money. It means I can escape if the sh*t hits the fan.
It’s going to be difficult to work and have enough to pay for childcare but I would look into it. Do you have family that can help?
I would be looking to leave someone who holds me at ransom like this and I have to bed basically to get food and necessities from

Lovedove · 03/04/2021 17:39

*beg

LynetteScavo · 03/04/2021 17:56

Is it a cultural thing that he's sending money to his parents?

If you only had a baby 5 weeks ago, surely you're still on maternity leave (technically) so you can go back to work? Can you afford childcare in what you earn? I wouldn't want to rely on your DH to provide for me financially.

meganjoon · 03/04/2021 18:02

Is he from a Muslim country? Is he muslim, because then his money is most certainly your money.

BreatheAndFocus · 03/04/2021 18:07

Spend what money he deigns to give you on food for yourself only. Then tell the bastard to FO. What a loser! You’re not his servant. If he wants to focus on money, tell him to pay you childminder rate. He can only work because you’re looking after his child.

He sounds like he thinks very little of you. Leave the Scrooge to his parents and live your own life on your own terms. You’ll get benefits for you and baby, and will be a lot happier IMO.

Ideasplease322 · 03/04/2021 18:12

I c ok nth us to be shocked that women allow themselves to be in this situational well did you know this man before you married him. He is controlling and financially abusive.

There is nothing wrong with being a stay at home parent if both parents are agreed that is the right thing for them individually as well as a family, and they each respect the contribution they make to the household.

This is clearly not working. You husband sounds like a complete arse. You need to return to work in the next few months and earn your own money. You can’t allow your child to grow up seeing you treated like this.

Could you return to work and your husband be the stay at home parent!

jessstan2 · 03/04/2021 18:16

@meganjoon

Is he from a Muslim country? Is he muslim, because then his money is most certainly your money.
It definitely is and he wouldn't have been taking her savings, he would also have given her some when they married; obviously most women would help out where necessary but her money would be hers. Therefore I doubt he is Muslim.
frazzledasarock · 03/04/2021 18:19

Unfortunately altho it’s a woman’s Islamic right to have her own money and her husband can’t touch it and he’s supposed to spend on her. I know many many Muslim men who forget this. And make up their own narrative about owning everything their wife has.

Makes no difference an abusive weaker is an abusive wanker in any religion, creed and culture.

They all go by the same rule book.

So personally I’d have no more children with him, and look to getting back into work and leave him.

fantasmasgoria1 · 03/04/2021 18:19

People from the Philippines are often expected to send money home. I have known and know several people from there and they sent money home. Perhaps op's husband is from there?

BalladOfBarryAndFreda · 03/04/2021 18:27

It is perfectly normal and standard to send money ‘home’ to family abroad in many cultures, that isn’t unusual and on the face of it, proportionally £150 a month out of £2000 doesn’t seem that outrageous. However, that obviously assumes that he can afford to spare that amount.

His financial abuse of you is a different issue and is serious and unacceptable. I would wholeheartedly agree with looking into the realities of financial abuse, picking up your own career as soon as possible and considering whether you would like to be in this relationship and modelling these behaviours to your children in the long term.

DianaT1969 · 03/04/2021 18:30

Your OP is on the wrong topic. It should be "I made a bad decision giving up my job to have a child. My husband doesn't share his money and has left us in poverty. I unwisely gave him all my savings too. What should I do now? I have a young baby."