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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband sent a little too much money to his parents

262 replies

faithfulbird20 · 03/04/2021 13:11

Okay so I gave birth almost 5 weeks ago.

I've kinda been using up the cupboards since haven't been able to go shopping. Husband took me shopping almost 2 weeks ago and was like will it be done in 10-12 pounds and I was like omg. This week everything ran out and we didn't have basic things like bread etc. He sent 150 pounds to his parents abroad and I got quite angry saying why did you send 150 when normally u send 110-120. Plus the exchange rate in currency was quite high so he didn't need to.

DH and I had a full blown argument and he said so what if I sent it. I earn 2 grand a month and I can send it, it's not your money blah blah blah. When we got pregnant he didn't want me to work and we agreed I'd be a Sahm. I feel quite tired from arguing but AIBU to be angry about it?

OP posts:
ThanksIGotItInMorrisons · 14/02/2022 14:46

I don’t think I’ve EVER said this on here, but LEAVE. Do not put up with this. The sooner you are able to , be it through working, family or friends, this is no good. You can’t want this to be for the rest of your life? Surely not?

nothingmorethanthis · 14/02/2022 14:46

I hope you are on maternity leave and have not handed in your notice yet.

If you have you need to start to think about how to get another job.

Your husband's psychology is that you are not equals, you are a dependent who needs to ask for access to 'his money'.

That is no way to live and will just get worse.

Dogmummy1980 · 14/02/2022 14:46

I’m absolutely lost for words

So - he sends money to his parents monthly just because??? Shock

AND you have literally no access to ‘his’ money when it’s been agreed for you to be a SAHM

Sorry but this is absolutely insane. It’s like going back to being a child living with parents but with all the responsibilities and none of the fun

£10-12 for a weeks worth of shopping. Wow.

Gonnagetgoing · 14/02/2022 14:48

@RosesAndHellebores

I suspect there are cultural aspects to this. Are you Indian op and was it an arranged marriage? I have had staff in similar positions, particularly where the marriage has afforded the other partner with the right to remain.

He needs a wake up call re the cost ofnliving and that 2k is a relatively small salary. It will be an obligation to send money home if I am right but he also has an obligation to treat you as an equal in UK law and to respect your rights.

Do not become deskilled. Go back to work and maintain some independence over your own money. Remember that it is not expected that a woman has to stay with someone who makes her unhappy, is an arsenal financially, emotionally or physically abuses her.

@RosesAndHellebores - can be Indian, African, SE Asia and even Eastern European and even my friend who's French sends money to help with her DF's care (in a home with Alzheimers).

I personally don't agree with it at all but then again I'm not from a culture where sending or receiving money within a family from children to parents etc is acceptable.

Userno574328537 · 14/02/2022 14:49

I would like to know how he affords to do that. Im a sahp, Dp earns 2 grand a month. We couldn't afford to spare that much! We don't even have £120 spare for ourselves!

He sounds controlling and financially abusive.

toomuchlaundry · 14/02/2022 14:59

I was going to ask whether it is cultural

LonelyInAutumn · 14/02/2022 15:01

£10-12 on shopping a week? Maybe for one person who is a student...

Itsalmostanaccessory · 14/02/2022 15:01

This is financial abuse and it is a crime.

Time to start getting your house in order. No more children with this man. Get back into work. Get a way to support yourself alone and leave him. He isnt a good man.

WishIwasElsa · 14/02/2022 15:02

I think this may be old thread now but if you can use the card online order a home delivery of shopping

caranations · 14/02/2022 15:02

@AmandaHoldensLips

Him refusing you access to money is financial abuse. It's a crime. You need to sort this right now.
This.
Lunar27 · 14/02/2022 15:03

My wife works PT and I earn quite a lot more than her. However, when we agreed for her to be a SAHM it automatically came with the unsaid arrangement that money is shared. IMHO of course, but if you choose to have kids then they need looking after (sorry to state the bleeding obvious!). All our money goes into a joint account and there's never a discussion on whom it belongs to as it belongs to 'us'. Whoever's the breadwinner is irrelevant as we're working as a couple (although my wife does squirrel money away into a separate account of hers Grin).

Some of her friends are set up as you describe OP and forgive me but it's f'ing scandalous. I wouldn't expect anyone to stand for it as it sucks.

Babadook76 · 14/02/2022 15:05

Zombie thread

Lunar27 · 14/02/2022 15:06

@toomuchlaundry

I was going to ask whether it is cultural
Perhaps but I'm of Chinese origin and know better. It's not difficult, unless you're a complete a$$hole (not you btw!).
diddl · 14/02/2022 15:11

ZOMBIE!

Why are threads resurrected other than by the Op?

Balonziaga · 14/02/2022 15:12

It is a zombie thread, but if you scroll back, it's come up because @Pollypocket2021 is in the same situation.

@pollypocket2021 - start a new thread where you can get some help and support.

RussianSpy101 · 14/02/2022 15:20

Surely £2k a month isn’t enough to allow you to be a SAHM? Even if you could manage I would go back to work as I wouldn’t trust your husband, sorry.

Also, why can’t you go shopping? Does he control the money?

DePfeffoff · 14/02/2022 15:31

They think it's their God given right to ask their sons for money every month. My MIL makes him feel inadequate if he doesn't. It's my husbands fault tbh. I don't think he cares or thinks 'we'll manage'.

Point out that failing to support your wife and child, and using up your wife's savings when it isn't necessary, is the very epitome of inadequacy.

AryaStarkWolf · 14/02/2022 15:43

@AnyFucker

Being a SAHM with no access to money with this man ?

Big mistake. Huge.

I read your post and all I could hear was Julia Roberts from Pretty Woman Grin
LuckySantangelo35 · 14/02/2022 15:54

OP why would it need to be a few years before you can go back to work?

C8H10N4O2 · 14/02/2022 16:09

I don't have access to money. It's his bank account

Is it too late to contact work and revise the plan to return after mat leave? You need to.

SAHM only works if both parties accept that the contract is all income is shared, whoever does the paid for work vs the unpaid work.

You have become entirely dependent on him for everything which is not an acceptable position for any adult relationship and frankly I wouldn't trust a partner who thought it was ok.

DiddyHeck · 14/02/2022 16:14

@C8H10N4O2

I don't have access to money. It's his bank account

Is it too late to contact work and revise the plan to return after mat leave? You need to.

SAHM only works if both parties accept that the contract is all income is shared, whoever does the paid for work vs the unpaid work.

You have become entirely dependent on him for everything which is not an acceptable position for any adult relationship and frankly I wouldn't trust a partner who thought it was ok.

Is it too late to contact work and revise the plan to return after mat leave? You need to.

Considering this thread is 10 months old, I'd say it probably is.

RG2468 · 14/02/2022 16:15

Why do people end up with these twats? Why do we as women have children with these sort of men? Why do we give up our careers and trust these sort of men?

THEDEACON · 14/02/2022 16:17

Clearly there are cultural undertones here but your husband needs to put your needs before his parents You need to go back to work and have financial independence he is financially abusing you and controlling you Not on ! I wouldn't put up with him or his family's expectations

Loopytiles · 14/02/2022 16:18

SAH with an H with attitudes like this would be a bad plan. Would plan to return to paid work after getting through your baby’s early months. If you have quit your job, would seek a new one.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 14/02/2022 16:30

@AgentJohnson

When we got pregnant he didn't want me to work and we agreed I'd be a Sahm.

Now you know the price of that decision, reverse it and don’t be financially dependent on this knob. Feeding his child and the mother of his child isn’t one of his priorities, so it has to be yours.

This^
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