Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband sent a little too much money to his parents

262 replies

faithfulbird20 · 03/04/2021 13:11

Okay so I gave birth almost 5 weeks ago.

I've kinda been using up the cupboards since haven't been able to go shopping. Husband took me shopping almost 2 weeks ago and was like will it be done in 10-12 pounds and I was like omg. This week everything ran out and we didn't have basic things like bread etc. He sent 150 pounds to his parents abroad and I got quite angry saying why did you send 150 when normally u send 110-120. Plus the exchange rate in currency was quite high so he didn't need to.

DH and I had a full blown argument and he said so what if I sent it. I earn 2 grand a month and I can send it, it's not your money blah blah blah. When we got pregnant he didn't want me to work and we agreed I'd be a Sahm. I feel quite tired from arguing but AIBU to be angry about it?

OP posts:
Topseyt · 03/04/2021 14:01

I would revisit your decision to be a SAHM. You need your income for your own independence as this wanker is not going to support you. This makes you very vulnerable.

He is going to keep you short and have you beg him for every penny. He will scrutinise everything you do and spend. You will hate that. Don't accept it.

Go back to your job if you haven't already resigned from it. If you have then ask if you can withdraw the resignation. Get back to work one way or another as soon as you can, and make sure that he pays half of all childcare costs rather than palming them off onto you. His child too!!

You need to reconsider this relationship. He is acting like a twat and he is unlikely to change. You might well be better off without him as he will have to pay towards child maintenance and the marital pot will have to be split.

CarnationCat · 03/04/2021 14:02

This is financial abuse. You have to ask him for money and he views the money as just his.

You need financial independence. Get back to work and look into childcare.

jessstan2 · 03/04/2021 14:02

I'd be very angry with him, not so much about sending money to parents but about him not doing the shopping for both of you. It wouldn't kill him to pick stuff up on the way home from work or at weekends. Why can you not order grocery and other deliveries online if going out is difficult?

(Could do without the 'OK so' and the 'like')

Miljea · 03/04/2021 14:02

Why do we do this to ourselves?

The 'his money/my money' when we are almost always in the weaker financial position?

'D'H ' giving us some of his money to live on!!

All of both of our salaries go into one pot. DH is FT and earns (pretax) £65k pa. I'm PT and I earn £30k pa. His money is my money, and my money is his money- including the £225k inheritance I got, but to demonstrate it's not all plain sailing, when his parents died, instead of taking the estate and splitting it two ways (inc the family house, where his rather older bachelor DB lived, where I think DH should have given the DB 3 years 'notice' to buy DH out or move out...); DH took their father's shares portfolio and gave the house to the DB. I wasn't consulted. The house multiplied in value, the share price plummeted.... so I can 'see' the whole 'family' thing!

But, if I want something, I buy it; ditto him. We discuss bigger ticket items; and it probably helps that we're both on the same page financially, neither of us go mad with cash!

Topseyt · 03/04/2021 14:04

I meant to add, I would also question why the fuck he has to send money to his parents. Does he have a loan from them that he is paying back, or do they just expect it?

He should be putting his new family unit first, so you and your new baby.

PegasusReturns · 03/04/2021 14:05

Look at going back to work ASAP. This sort of financial abuse will not get better.

Please tell me that when you call him your DH you are actually legally married?

Frazzled2207 · 03/04/2021 14:09

@Shoppingwithmother

I would not be at all comfortable being a SAHM in a situation where my husband “gave” me some of “his” money each month or week, and you had to ask for money if you wanted anything else.

If one of the parents is staying at home, particularly if the other parent wants them to then they are doing that for the good of the family. Any money coming in should be family money and the SAHP should have equal access to it as a joint account.

Absolutely this. You have equal access to money if you’re a sahm. The sending money to parents is almost a red herring.
Allabouttheangles · 03/04/2021 14:09

OP this is worrying. I don’t know if you are ready or in a place where you can see this. You need to sort yourself a job and get your own money and put some away that’s just yours. And I never say this! He is in control of everything just now. If you were to break up for example you would have bare minimum from him and he would have better access to lawyers etc. Worrying.

SeaToSki · 03/04/2021 14:09

What do you mean that he used all your savings?

Tistheseason17 · 03/04/2021 14:11

You seem to be financially abused, OP. You should have access to your own finances.

Bluetrews25 · 03/04/2021 14:11

Horrifying to read this, OP.
I would HATE to think of a daughter of mine in this position.
Don't be ashamed to tell your family of origin and ask for support. It is his shame to feel, not yours.

Lovecakesandbakes · 03/04/2021 14:12

@faithfulbird20 so sorry to hear this.

I’m assuming giving money to family is a cultural expectation? Perhaps have a conversation with your husband about it when things calm down a bit.

Obviously his first priority is the needs of the home not his parents. It’s important to give what you can afford once priorities are taken care of.

Don’t get upset about it. Look for the right time to talk about it. In marriage you’re for each other not against.

denverRegina · 03/04/2021 14:13

He's spent all of your savings, ordered you to be a SAHM, you have no access to money and can only go shopping when he takes you?

You need to leave

georgarina · 03/04/2021 14:15

To keep up appearances he wants to send money to his parents but not leave his family enough to live on?

I would 'shame' him just as much for that - if that's how it is. And go back to work because he's agreed for you to be a SAHP but he's not providing.

sarahc336 · 03/04/2021 14:15

He wants his shopping to cost a tenner? 🙊🙊🙊🙊

VerityWibbleWobble · 03/04/2021 14:15

[quote Lovecakesandbakes]@faithfulbird20 so sorry to hear this.

I’m assuming giving money to family is a cultural expectation? Perhaps have a conversation with your husband about it when things calm down a bit.

Obviously his first priority is the needs of the home not his parents. It’s important to give what you can afford once priorities are taken care of.

Don’t get upset about it. Look for the right time to talk about it. In marriage you’re for each other not against.[/quote]
With the greatest of respect, what are you reading? It can't be the same Op as the rest of us are.

LolaSmiles · 03/04/2021 14:16

At the risk of joining the chorus of other posters, please reconsider whether you want to remain a SAHP with a man who is controlling.

The person who benefits from having you financially dependent and stuck at home all day with the children is him. He gets to keep 'his money', can use money as a weapon or to control if he wants, he knows his children are looked after so he doesn't have to pay for childcare, he can keep his career, keep paying into his pension, and rely on someone at home doing everything.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 03/04/2021 14:16

Hmm 10-12 for shopping when you haven't bought shopping in 5 weeks? What's money getting spent on if not food?

StephenBelafonte · 03/04/2021 14:21

Being a stay at home parent really only works if there is equal access to finances.

Do you really not have a bank account? Where did your wages get paid into before you met your husband?

TillyTopper · 03/04/2021 14:21

I'm sorry you are in this position OP. However, you'll always be stuck if this is the way he views things and it'll be very hard (impossible?) to change him. To be honest I think you need a very firm conversation about supporting you and his child - and I'd be back at work as soon as I could. He also needs to find money for childcare for that. You really need your career back if that's how he is.

VimFuego101 · 03/04/2021 14:22

Echoing others who have said you cannot be a SAHM in this situation. I assume since your baby is so young you haven't yet told your work you won't be returning, so are technically still on maternity leave and can return to work if you give them the appropriate notice/ your leave ends.

frazzledasarock · 03/04/2021 14:22

Once your mat leave is up, go back to work keep your money entirely desperately from your H’s and rebuild your savings.

Then leave the fucker.

What kind of man leaves his post partum wife and newborn child without food and essentials?

My friends husband used up her savings and money on shot for his family ‘back home’. She would have to beg for any money for her child and spent nothing on herself.
Then he stopped being able to work and had to allow her to work, she earns in the higher income bracket and he’s deeply ashamed at how she freely spends on the home and DC, where he’d previously make her beg. Friend refuses to send any money back home bar a small amount form charitable donations which she spreads over charities and sends to her husbands family. They had a row as her husband wanted her to send all charity to his family.

My friends one regret is she didn’t leave him when she was younger. She feels stuck now.

I divorced ex, he would send money ‘back home’ I was the only one with a stable income (so guess who’s money he sent), he bragged he was the one who was sending all this money back. I vividly recall my dc having crap dirty torn clothes for special occasions as he wouldn’t even let me buy my dc decent clothes, any money had to go back home. I hate him so much.

You need to make a plan and get out. It doesn’t get better.

bennibooboo · 03/04/2021 14:23

For me it's the sentence "Husband TOOK me shopping" No one should be TAKING you shopping. You are 5weeks post baby so I understand you may not be driving, so the sentence is "we went shopping together"....

SofiaMichelle · 03/04/2021 14:24

Dear god. Having a child with a twat like this!

You need to get back to work ASAP, OP, not in many years' time.

Too many women give up their independence to arseholes like this and never recover from it due to ruining their careers.

And on what planet is he living where he's declaring that he earns £2k per month as though it's such a lot that he can give part of it away, when he's got a wife and baby to support.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 03/04/2021 14:26

@greatauntfanny

The bit you need to be careful of, OP, is the ‘it’s not your money’ bit.

He’s your husband, you are the mother of his child. You have given up employment to be a stay at home parent. You are now financially dependent on him, yet he sees his money as belonging to him. He does not see you as a unit.

Be careful, OP. Lots of women fall into this position. Some husbands begin seeing their families as an expense, a drain on ‘their’ income. They end up restricting the amount they give to their wives and children, almost like pocket money. They become critical of every little spend, and the wives end up having to skimp on their own and sometimes their children’s necessities. Things like self care products are the first to go. Hand cream becomes a rare treat, even if your skin is crusting off. Forget about a new bag, that would be a hopeless extravagance, and if your husband buys you one he’ll go on about it for months as proof you’re spoilt.

It’s such a shit position to be in.

Agree with this. Your DH's attitude is the red flag here, not the actual sending of money to parents (which a lot of MNetters don't get because they are used to a culture where older people have pensions and benefits).

Both DH and I support family abroad, but we make joint decisions about how much we can afford. It is not your DH's money, it is your shared money as a family, and you must have as much say in how it is spent as your DH.

Swipe left for the next trending thread