Husband sent a little too much money to his parents

[faithfulbird20]

Okay so I gave birth almost 5 weeks ago.

I've kinda been using up the cupboards since haven't been able to go shopping. Husband took me shopping almost 2 weeks ago and was like will it be done in 10-12 pounds and I was like omg. This week everything ran out and we didn't have basic things like bread etc. He sent 150 pounds to his parents abroad and I got quite angry saying why did you send 150 when normally u send 110-120. Plus the exchange rate in currency was quite high so he didn't need to.

DH and I had a full blown argument and he said so what if I sent it. I earn 2 grand a month and I can send it, it's not your money blah blah blah. When we got pregnant he didn't want me to work and we agreed I'd be a Sahm. I feel quite tired from arguing but AIBU to be angry about it?

Also when you leave the fucker make sure you apply for CMS and take every penny you can for your child’s sake.

@SofiaMichelle he’s probably looking at the money in terms of the local currency back home. So he’s strutting that he’s earning loads in terms of local currency back home.

It isn't 'his' money op. It's 'family' money.

That's what happens when one person works for money, and one person works for free looking after the joint child.

For example, you'd never say 'dc is my child' would you? It's both of yours.

One pot of money. All in to it. Pay all bills and everything for child and all food out of it. Split the remainder 50/50 as disposable personal spending money. That's the bit he can send to his parents if he chooses.

By the way, if you read my message op, thinking 'there's no way I can say that' then there is something very very wrong with your relationship.

@diwrnachoflleyn

The fuck I'd be a SAHP with this person. In fact, he'd no longer be my husband.

This.

This was my ex-h. He used to send a chunk of his money to his mum abroad, and the rest of his wages was his to spend how he liked on clothes and nights out clubbing. I was expected to pay for all household bills, expenses food and any costs for the children out of my wage and family allowance. Note, he is my ex.

I agree with others, don't be a stay-at-home-mum. It works for some for a while if they have a reasonable partner, you obviously don't.

Your baby is still very, very little but start now getting your ducks in a row. Look for suitable child care and a part time job. When that is done, re-assess your relationship with your man.

In the meantime, order stuff you need online. I ordered a delivery from the Co-op this morning and received it quickly, it's great. All the bigger supermarkets will deliver by the next day, Boots and Superdrug do too.

Good luck!

that might be another few years since I literally just give birth

Plenty of women go back to work within 6-9 months. Many would rather not but, sometimes, needs must. I think in your circumstances sooner rather than later would be best to gain some financial independence.

I really don't understand why some people get into this situation in the first place. You should have made sure he understood that by making you a SAHM, he agreed that his money is your money as well. And I think it's very naive to become totally dependent on someone without having any savings or proper agreement on how home finance works.

You mention that he was happy to "use up all my savings"...well fuck that for a game. Absolutely not on. Your savings are SAVINGS that you've accumulated. Not him. Does he have savings he can dip into? If you don't and he does, then you need to re-establish your savings from whatever monies are coming into the home.
You are not to be financially reliant on this man.
You need to have your own money.

This endless cycle of mothers relying on the financial success (or not) of their sons and demanding money be 'sent home' is something from eras past.

Just make sure that you have your own money and it is completely separate to whatever is for the household. If needed, it can be called upon but he cannot deplete it while there is other money around that would work just as well.

Congratulations too on your newborn!

Please take some responsibility for your own actions and decisions here op. He has been giving his parents this money all along so why do you now have an issue with it. And he tells you he doesn't want you working, so you you just nod your head and go along? You chose to agree with that. What did you think of how things will work?
These are his true colors, but it seems to have been there all along. You need to have a big discussion with him about how you feel. And you should have some idea about your own life. Do you really think it's wise to rely on this type of person?

Your DH is on a low income but it’s your money equally. None of this “he took me shopping” as if he was treating you.

Agree with everything already said. I suggest you get back to work before a year and the childcare costs need to be shared equally. I also suggest a joint account and an agreed realistic budget for food but it sounds like your DH mindset is somewhere from the 1950s. My parents in the 1970s were more equitable than this. I appreciate there are cultural differences but you are an EQUAL to him.

What country is that money going to and who else is sending them money and how much. £150 in some countries is a shit load of money. They could be having the life of Riley on the amount they are receiving whilst you scrapple around for food.

Sending money 'back home' is pretty standard among some cultures with amounts varying depending on need e.g - medical expenses.

It's one of those things which either you're ok with or you're not.

With 2K a month coming in of which you don't even seem to have access to, I'd seriously rethink being a SAHM.

It’s normal in a lot of cultures for adult children to send money back to their family abroad. There isn’t anything untoward about this. If this is normal for your partner and his parents that is fair enough.

What is more concerning is your partners attitude towards your household money. I would be very wary of being a SAHP with a man like this. He obviously thinks his wages are ‘his’ money, and you are going to have to scrape by on what he will spare you. You are never going to have access to money with him, you need your own job so you have some financial independence.

Why can't he do the shopping?

Get legal advice and get out - he clearly doesnt value you or your baby

I think you need to look at the amount OP. In some cultures, it is the given that they send 10-20% of their income. Is that what it is here? If is also relative though. I used to live somewhere and had a helper. Her DH's income was USD40 a month as a welder. Line managers in a 5* hotel earned USD100 a month. I think it is relevant where they live and how far £150 goes there.

Get the Child Benefit put in your name,
Open a Bank Account if you don't have one.
Are you getting Maternity pay, if so claim that as well for your account.
Your answer is it's MY money,.

Who cares if it's normal in some cultures to send money home to parents. It obviously isn't normal in the OP's culture, so why should she have to contribute. She has the worst of both worlds. Sending money to her in laws but not receiving any from her own kids in the future because it isn't the cultural norm (not that I'd take money off my kids).

And if you look on it like that, why can't they give her parents the same amount of money

It’s quite common in many cultures and kids help their parents financially.

I was in a similar situation. We both sent money to our parents. When I married, I stopped, he didn’t.

Oe day I came home to find he’d shipped a bunch of our furniture overseas to them.

We lived hand to mouth where he financially controlled everything.

We are no longer together and actually, although I gave him half, he can’t run his life and has paid zero contribution to our kid’s upbringing.

I’d say leave now as you’ll find it harder as time goes on.

Where are you and your husband from OP?
How long are you married and how long were you together before you were married?

Definitely sounds like there's some major culture differences. Also it also sounds like you don't know him that well? Or he's just changed suddenly after having the baby?

Sending money to parents is really not the main issue here. The fact that the DH sees the money as his alone and for him to do as he pleases with, that's the issue.

Bloody hell you need to sort this out, if this id your joint income then you need to agree how it’s spent - and you need access to the money.

His salary needs to go into a joint account, and you have separate accounts into which you put some spending money if you can afford that.

I know it can be difficult not to send money home, but if you’ve lost one income and now have a baby it can not be as much as before.

I absolutely would not put up with not having equal access and say over money - and if your DP is like this I would be planning to get back to work in 6 months so I didn’t have to stay if things didn’t work out.

I agree with others OP, you need to have your own money. You could find yourself in a vulnerable position.

If my husband said it was his money I'd also say it was his life without me, and would divorce him immediately. If it's his money how come the government expects the higher earning parent to pay for their child?