Husband sent a little too much money to his parents

[faithfulbird20]

Okay so I gave birth almost 5 weeks ago.

I've kinda been using up the cupboards since haven't been able to go shopping. Husband took me shopping almost 2 weeks ago and was like will it be done in 10-12 pounds and I was like omg. This week everything ran out and we didn't have basic things like bread etc. He sent 150 pounds to his parents abroad and I got quite angry saying why did you send 150 when normally u send 110-120. Plus the exchange rate in currency was quite high so he didn't need to.

DH and I had a full blown argument and he said so what if I sent it. I earn 2 grand a month and I can send it, it's not your money blah blah blah. When we got pregnant he didn't want me to work and we agreed I'd be a Sahm. I feel quite tired from arguing but AIBU to be angry about it?

Do not become a sahm. Its would make you far too financially vulnerable. Keep your savings and even going back pt to keep your foot in work door so to speak

You need to stay at home for a few years nor can you afford to. Get back to work within a year and get your financial independence back. Your situation will only get worse when baby needs more expensive items. What happens when you have no savings left or need new clothes?

Sorry that should have you don't need to stay home.

Why don't you have access to money?

It should be a joint account you have equal rights to if you've agreed together for you to be a SAHM.

You need to go back to work.

Your husband does not make enough money to insist you being a sahm. And on top of it to send money to his parents. Also there is no your money and my money when someone is a sahp.

Are the cultural expectations at play?

Like a pp said you are being financially abused. A child growing up in a home with abuse is concerned to be abused due to the home dynamics. Please speak to your HV or women’s aid about this.

Start looking for a job or see if you can go back to your previous one assuming you left to have the baby. He does not get to decide that you stay at home. He has shown his true colours now and you need to be financially independent. He will have to pay towards childcare too. What a horrible man. I'd be considering my future with him to be honest. He's not worth much if he leaves you short of money, yet sends money to his demanding mother.

I don't have access to money. It's his bank account. I just can use it online. Not for going out etc unless I ask him for it. But if I use it he automatically thinks if she's using it on herself let me send my parents money.

This is wholly unacceptable, asking for permission to spend money is not normal. Given that you've very recently given birth I'm assuming you have to justify the expense of pads and breast pads for yourself?

You really have three choices here:

Stay as you are and prepare for things to get a lot worse.
Go back to work and tell him he will be sharing the expense of childcare.
Going it alone, being a mother to your baby where you are in control of the finances.

I really feel for you and the many thousands of others in this situation with an excuse for a human being playing at being a husband and father.

Agree with others, this is financial abuse.

Do you get child benefit in your name? That would at least enable you to have access to some money without having to ask.

What is wrong with his parents that he has to send them money? Why have you agreed to this whole set-up? Get a job and get out of there for your own sanity, self-esteem and independence.

10-12 a week on shopping? Was that a typo?

Obviously being a SAHP is unviable but can you get any help from your parents meanwhile, OP?

Absolutely financial abuse and a crime. You should have equal access to money and say in financial decisions.

Don’t be a sahp with this person!

Do you own your house/ flat? Being married thankfully would give you a fair share when you divorce.

When we got pregnant he didn't want me to work and we agreed I'd be a Sahm.

What did you want?

I agree with the others - don't become dependent on this man.

I would also suggest that he's having beans on toast for dinner for the rest of the month because it's all you can afford.

Whatever you do, don’t be a SAHP. Are you on maternity leave from your job or did you quit?

There are lots of men that a woman can be SAHM and all is fine. Unfortunately you are not married to one. You need to start investigating childcare. Do you have a job to go back to? Are you getting maternity pay?

Sorry maybe missing the main point but why did he “take you shopping”, can you food shop alone?

You can shop on line with “his” money? I would be arranging a proper delivery from whatever supermarket. Morrison’s on Amazon and coop both do same day delivery.

Some cultures the men are expected to support the wider family. Revolut does free transfers thankfully, I sometimes transfer one of my dd’s some cash who doesn’t like in the U.K.

As for a sahm? Not a chance. I would be looking for a job any job and he would be told he is also going to do his share of everything.

I would not live with someone who didn’t see me as their equal. They would either suck it up to the new way of life or fuck off elsewhere. No one should have to go cap in hand.

@Mumoftwoinprimary

There are lots of men that a woman can be SAHM and all is fine. Unfortunately you are not married to one. You need to start investigating childcare. Do you have a job to go back to? Are you getting maternity pay?

This.

I would also suggest that he's having beans on toast for dinner for the rest of the month because it's all you can afford.

Don’t you mean a couple of beans and at most half a slice of bread? That’s all a tenner would get him for the mont as op would be needing the bulk of the food 😂

I suspect there are cultural aspects to this. Are you Indian op and was it an arranged marriage? I have had staff in similar positions, particularly where the marriage has afforded the other partner with the right to remain.

He needs a wake up call re the cost ofnliving and that 2k is a relatively small salary. It will be an obligation to send money home if I am right but he also has an obligation to treat you as an equal in UK law and to respect your rights.

Do not become deskilled. Go back to work and maintain some independence over your own money. Remember that it is not expected that a woman has to stay with someone who makes her unhappy, is an arsenal financially, emotionally or physically abuses her.

Did you leave your job or are you on maternity leave? If you don't have a job to go back to then I'd suggest you look for a nursery place and start applying for jobs.

You can't afford to be a sahp if your DH won't share household income!

@diwrnachoflleyn

The fuck I'd be a SAHP with this person. In fact, he'd no longer be my husband.

This. Have you a job to go back to? Any family support? You can’t stay with him. In the meantime, feed you and your kids. No food left for him on that much a week.

Get your own financial independence. How have you managed to have no bank account? How about your maternity pay? £2000 isn’t enough that’s poverty. Have you applied for chid benefit? Every child in the UK is entitled to this and make sure it goes into your bank account.

I agree with other posters. Never, ever become a SAHM if your partner uses the phrase "it's not your money". It shows a complete lack of respect for your role within the partnership.

Please, please don't do it OP.