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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband sent a little too much money to his parents

262 replies

faithfulbird20 · 03/04/2021 13:11

Okay so I gave birth almost 5 weeks ago.

I've kinda been using up the cupboards since haven't been able to go shopping. Husband took me shopping almost 2 weeks ago and was like will it be done in 10-12 pounds and I was like omg. This week everything ran out and we didn't have basic things like bread etc. He sent 150 pounds to his parents abroad and I got quite angry saying why did you send 150 when normally u send 110-120. Plus the exchange rate in currency was quite high so he didn't need to.

DH and I had a full blown argument and he said so what if I sent it. I earn 2 grand a month and I can send it, it's not your money blah blah blah. When we got pregnant he didn't want me to work and we agreed I'd be a Sahm. I feel quite tired from arguing but AIBU to be angry about it?

OP posts:
ElderMillennial · 03/04/2021 15:13

The issue is that he doesn't have enough money set aside for food

Confusedandshaken · 03/04/2021 15:16

This is so tricky. Lots of cultures depend on adult children sending money home, not just to support their parents but many other family members too. If that's the culture DH was raised in it isn't reasonable to expect him to stop sending money. His parents raised him with an expectation he would help them out just as they helped their own parents. In a country with no state pension, assisted housing or state healthcare people can die without this assistance.

It may or may not be the OPs culture but that doesn't mean she shouldn't respect it just as her DH should respect hers.

However there can be a machismo thing attached to this - 'look at me sending more money than expected. I'm a big shot. I'm more successful than my brother/cousin' etc. As a couples who worked extensively with couples from different backgrounds I've often seen this create issues.

In a perfect world you should discuss this with your DH OP. Show him online how much food costs and how much you both, as a couple, need to be setting aside for groceries/bills/clothes etc. You should agree a budget that suits you both. However your DH doesn't sound like he would be very co-operative with this.

In this case, much as you would like to be a SAHM it might be necessary for you to return to work.

And consider some couples counselling. The shift in responsibilities, roles and expectations when a first child comes along can be incredibly hard for any couple to negotiate.

Whythesadface · 03/04/2021 15:17

Has anyone mentioned food banks?
You can find one near you, that will help you at least not starve.

jessstan2 · 03/04/2021 15:20

@Whythesadface

Has anyone mentioned food banks? You can find one near you, that will help you at least not starve.
I don't think they need that.
Tagagzjskva · 03/04/2021 15:25

See so many threads like this where women give up their independence when pregnant

As soon as you can get yourself a job and get away from this prick

Buttonfm · 03/04/2021 15:40

OP, are you actually getting enough food to eat? Do you have enough toiletries and stuff for the baby?

I agree with pp, all family money should go into a joint account.

Bills, nappies and food etc come out of the joint account.

Calculate what's left over for spending money. Half goes to his account, half goes to your account

You each do what you like with your own spending money, be it sending money overseas, putting it in savings, buying clothes, magazines etc.

You are a family, it is family money.
It is not his money, he wanted you to be a sahp so he needs to ensure equal to access to finances.

Witholding money is financial abuse. You can contact Women's Aid for more information and advice.

diddl · 03/04/2021 15:47

Did you expect him to stop sending the money when you had the baby?

WilsonMilson · 03/04/2021 15:54

I would not be a sahm in these circumstances. You need to be all in joint with full access to finances for that to work.
I think it’s ridiculous for him to send money to his parents, but I’m assuming this is a cultural thing and perhaps more of the done thing?
If I were you I would be insisting on full access to all money earned or I would go back to work. I’d also be considering my longer term if your husband is unwilling to support your family.

Chloemol · 03/04/2021 16:03

Sorry I would be looking at going back to work. He can split childcare costs with you, you get your own money

KatharinaRosalie · 03/04/2021 16:03

@diddl

Did you expect him to stop sending the money when you had the baby?
OP says "why did you send 150 when normally u send 110-120." so I understand she was fine with the regular amount, but didn't like the increase. Understandable if she had to do the weekly shop for 10 quid at the same time..
jessstan2 · 03/04/2021 16:09

I don't have access to money. It's his bank account. I just can use it online.

Use it for grocery deliveries!

There is no reason why you cannot return to work in a few months.

toffeebutterpopcorn · 03/04/2021 16:10

I can’t believe the parents accepted more money when they know that they’ve just had a baby and the op has given up work.

ThebirdsAndBeesWhereThere · 03/04/2021 16:14

He is abusing you. Go back to work and make him pay half of the childcare.

Viviennemary · 03/04/2021 16:14

No he shouldn't be sending money to his parents if you need to go short. Not on.

Hey2492 · 03/04/2021 16:16

Why is he sending money? That amount of money out of 2 grand a month is a big chunk. I’m a SAHM too and dp earns 2 grand as well and we couldn’t spare that each month. We have to be careful but dp is not financially controlling so I’m in okay position myself. Your husband sounds like an ass. If you are married and have a child it’s not just his money to do as he pleases. He may earn it but he married you and had a baby with you...not normal to act like he does!

ParadiseIsland · 03/04/2021 16:18

Go back to work ASAP.

Build savings of your own.

He has put you in a situation where you are totally dependent on him whilst he has clearly decided he can do as he pleases wo discussing it wiith you (or taking you into account).
Note he was happy to use all your savings too.

I suspect you will soon struggle a lot with this set up.

toffeebutterpopcorn · 03/04/2021 16:23

I am assuming this is a cultural ‘thing’ - are you both from the same background? It seems odd and selfish - but I guess there are some cultures where it is the norm for children to help their parents (a colleague used to complain that her in laws would call up and ask for a new washing machine or fridge as well as money because they assumed that anyone working in the U.K. was rich).

Sounds like the husband is trying to be the ‘Big I Am’ or his family - showing off. His priority is feeding his own family. I wonder if his siblings really are contributing such a lump of their income too?

KarmaNoMore · 03/04/2021 16:25

Erm... he wouldn’t be the first man claiming to use money to support his family while spending the money himself.

If he cannot even keep his spending in check to avoid not having food to eat, what makes you think you can choose to stay at home? This man doesn’t have your back. Go back to work as soon as you can, you need to be earning to provide for your child.

Pricklypear12 · 03/04/2021 16:29

I have a feeling (could be completely wrong) that you are of a particular culture whereby sons give money to their parents and regularly send money "back home". You may need to remind him that he has a duty to care for his immediate family (wife and children) first and he has to ensure all of their needs are met first and foremost.

Being a SAHM is a choice and no one should tell you whether you should or should not (that includes PP telling you to get back to work).

I suggest that you keep your finances seperate and during your time as a SAHM, your DH should pay you an allowance which should be an amount that is just for you.

He should pay for bills and food shopping etc. I suggest you remind him of your rights as a wife and a mother.

SakuraEdenSwan1 · 03/04/2021 16:32

@letsmakethishappen

Get your own financial independence. How have you managed to have no bank account? How about your maternity pay? £2000 isn’t enough that’s poverty. Have you applied for chid benefit? Every child in the UK is entitled to this and make sure it goes into your bank account.
£2000 per month certainly is not living in poverty ffs
toffeebutterpopcorn · 03/04/2021 16:34

Not breadline - but it depends on how much the mortgage/rent is. If it’s in London a 2 bed flat could be £500 a week.

BaggoMcoys · 03/04/2021 16:35

Hello op, I was in a financially abusive relationship. I was made to give up work after having our first child, and though my now-ex made his bank account joint and I had a card, I could not spend money freely as it was "his money" as he frequently liked to remind me.

Your husband should consult you before sending more than usual to his family, and he certainly should not be sending more while at the same time expecting you to live on such a miniscule amount. You should have a bank account and proper access to funds. But op, there is help out there and you do not have to live this way.

Have a look at this, and particularly have a look at the guide linked to under "what can I do". There are some practical tips which may help.

www.refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/support-for-women/financial-abuse/

As for why do women do this to themselves... Please consider it is not the same for everyone. Abuse, culture, health issues and disabilities can all contribute to how some women end up in this position.

Christmasfairy2020 · 03/04/2021 16:38

Do his family live in a 3rd world country? It is the norm that sons send money from what I'm aware

VettiyaIruken · 03/04/2021 16:39

So your savings were fair game but his earnings are his?

You are totally screwed. You don't have the luxury of being a sahm. You need your own income.

You don't need this complete wanker of a man, but you need your own income.

It is crystal clear how this will end for you otherwise.

Cam2020 · 03/04/2021 16:49

BTW incase it hasn’t sunk in yet OP you are incredibly vulnerable now. Forget being a SAHM. Go back to work once baby is a bit older and keep all your salary. Then leave him. This man will never support you.

Exactly what I was going to say. If he is using his earnings as a weapon against you now, itscnot going going to get any better.