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AIBU?

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Original poster

New partner into things sexually that I’m not

183 replies

Mustardsocks · 03/04/2021 09:59

New partner keeps asking me about role play and BDSM stuff. I’m not into that kind of thing at all and it creeps me out (not shaming or judging anyone that does, it’s just not my thing) I prefer just normal sex, I like different positions etc and a few other things, but I guess I’m pretty vanilla when it comes to sex.

Not sure what I’m asking really, but I guess we may not be sexually compatible?

OP posts:
Workinghardeveryday · 03/04/2021 10:04

Possibly not... don’t do anything you don’t want to or feel pushed into anything. Have you told him how you feel? If so what did he say?

Frannyhy · 03/04/2021 10:06

What’s his phone number? :0)

timeisnotaline · 03/04/2021 10:06

I suppose I would think carefully about if it was a no from me or if I just hadn’t thought about it and was worried I would feel super awkward. But if it’s a no it’s a no, and I wouldn’t welcome having it brought up regularly or being pushed towards it, which it sounds like he can’t stop himself.

Original poster
Mustardsocks · 03/04/2021 10:07

@Workinghardeveryday he said that’s fine, then brought it up again a few weeks later. It’s like dropping hints all the time.

OP posts:
TheJackieWeaver · 03/04/2021 10:09

I think the most important thing is how he responds when you say no.

Beefcurtains79 · 03/04/2021 10:11

He sounds pretty pushy sexually, I’d tell him to jog on.

Lockheart · 03/04/2021 10:12

Enforce your boundaries. If it's a hard line for you, say so. If there are softer areas you wouldn't be against exploring, see if you can find a compromise to try it out.

Relationships are a compromise in all areas, including sex. But if his interests are a hard line for you and for him, then unfortunately you're probably not sexually compatible.

WeAllHaveWings · 03/04/2021 10:14

Tell him no once more and ask him not to raise or hint at again. He should respect you or it won't work.

WeAllHaveWings · 03/04/2021 10:16

Relationships are a compromise in all areas, including sex.

Absolutely disagree with this. No one should feel they have to try anything sexual they don't feel comfortable with. No is no and asking, hinting at again is disrespectful.

Teensandfuture · 03/04/2021 10:18

It won't work

You will feel pushed and he will feel unsatisfied

Enough4me · 03/04/2021 10:18

I have a high sex drive and thought I was open minded, but met a partner through OLD who liked things that turned my stomach. I wouldn't have minded role-playing or bondage, but his drives put me right off.
He said it was fine he could leave it, but everytime we were in the passionate moments he would mention things. I saw him after out with a new partner and was so glad it wasn't still me.

IMO if he likes something when he's in the moment he may encourage it and that can be hard to deal with. Why be with someone who will nag at things you don't want?

Sarahlou63 · 03/04/2021 10:19

No, you're not compatible and never will be. Wish him well and send him on his way.

AdaColeman · 03/04/2021 10:21

Dump him and move on, or you will both be unhappy.

CaptSkippy · 03/04/2021 10:22

If he keeps asking you about it, despite you having already said "no", it means that he doesn't care about consent.

Furthermore, I think that someone who gets off on hurting other people needs to see a therapist. I have no problem with so called "kinkshaming", because this shit is fucked up. It is nothing more than an expression of misogyny on women's bodies with "consent" involved. Even when the roles are reversed, it's still about male power.

I'd say kinkshame away.

HearMeSnore · 03/04/2021 10:23

If adventurous sex is important to him but does nothing for you then a mutually satisfying solution is unlikely.

I think the only answer is honesty. Be brave and tell him straight that it's never going to happen, and you need him to stop hinting. If it's really that important to him, he should pursue it elsewhere and leave you free to do the same.

If you don't make your feelings absolutely clear now, he will only keep badgering you about it.

DrSbaitso · 03/04/2021 10:23

I can't see this working.

CuthbertDibbleandGrubb · 03/04/2021 10:24

Seems a deal breaker to me.

custardbear · 03/04/2021 10:25

Is this something he is used to and wanting to do not of the time, as it may just be you're not compatible- because as much as you don't want to do these thjngs, he does - may be time to find a different man

Hailtomyteeth · 03/04/2021 10:26

@CaptSkippy

If he keeps asking you about it, despite you having already said "no", it means that he doesn't care about consent.

Furthermore, I think that someone who gets off on hurting other people needs to see a therapist. I have no problem with so called "kinkshaming", because this shit is fucked up. It is nothing more than an expression of misogyny on women's bodies with "consent" involved. Even when the roles are reversed, it's still about male power.

I'd say kinkshame away.

This. OP, ditch him. He wants you to do what he wants, whether you want it or not.
PicaK · 03/04/2021 10:26

He's not listening to you - and that's the important thing.

Eyevorbig0ne · 03/04/2021 10:26

Send him on his way. He'll constantly be pressuring and pushing your boundaries. Aggro!

Even if he says it's OK, he'll be looking for a more obliging partner. 🙄

Fair enough. But save your energy for someone more compatible.

veganmayo · 03/04/2021 10:27

Sorry but it’s not going to work. People are very unlikely to change what they’re into and you shouldn’t pretend for anyone else’s sake. Ultimately you’ll both be unsatisfied with your sex lives knowing you could be with other people who are into the same things as you Sad

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 03/04/2021 10:27

It does sound as though you are incompatible.

For it to work he has to totally accept you’re not into it, and never raise or hint at it again. It seems really unlikely he can do that as it’s part of sex for him.

Whatever you do you absolutely must compromise or push yourself to try something you aren’t happy with. I think you’ll probably have to finish with him though.

LemonPeonies · 03/04/2021 10:28

No it won't work. From the other side I'm into stuff like that as a female and if a new (male if relevant) partner wasn't then I would get bored quickly. If you're not into the same stuff it will become difficult for the relationship quite quickly.

viques · 03/04/2021 10:29

[quote Mustardsocks]@Workinghardeveryday he said that’s fine, then brought it up again a few weeks later. It’s like dropping hints all the time.[/quote]
It’s not going to stop is it? He’s going to keep pushing and pushing. He is probably one of those people who think porn movies are accurate documentaries depicting the lives and needs of real women. And in the interests of science has undoubtably done extensive research.

He has asked, as his his right, you have said no, as is your right. That should have been the end of it, but he has disregarded your rights and your wishes by continuing to push for something he knows you don’t like or want to do. He doesn’t think your opinions count for anything when compared to his. That should tell you a lot.