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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New partner into things sexually that I’m not

183 replies

Mustardsocks · 03/04/2021 09:59

New partner keeps asking me about role play and BDSM stuff. I’m not into that kind of thing at all and it creeps me out (not shaming or judging anyone that does, it’s just not my thing) I prefer just normal sex, I like different positions etc and a few other things, but I guess I’m pretty vanilla when it comes to sex.

Not sure what I’m asking really, but I guess we may not be sexually compatible?

OP posts:
quest1on · 03/04/2021 15:39

He sounds peculiarly insecure and also immature. “Brother / sister role play?” Is that a joke? Couldn’t think of anything more of a turn off.

People who need gimmicks and “make believe” for sex are generally quite lacking. This one is a creep.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 03/04/2021 15:40

He will push you and push you until you give in. He will derive sexual power from this and fuel whatever his kink this week is. There will be more. They will get worse. Have some pride and run.

YukoandHiro · 03/04/2021 15:40

@Mustardsocks Yes he's probably getting most of this from porn. Tell him to cut it and focus on you

Ijustknowitstimetogo · 03/04/2021 15:43

@Mustardsocks

He also said he won’t bring it up again and he respects me and won’t pressure me into anything
Even so. I think most of us here have realised/ indicated very clearly this is over before it’s begun. You wanted opinions. You’ve got them Smile
WilsonMilson · 03/04/2021 15:44

Sounds like you’re sexually incompatible. It is not a good idea to do anything sexually that makes you uncomfortable or that you don’t like. Please don’t feel coerced by him.

The problem for the longer term will be, that if he is into bdsm and role play and doesn’t get it with you, he is quite likely to look for it elsewhere to meet his sexual needs.

diwrnachoflleyn · 03/04/2021 15:51

@WhereYouLeftIt

"Relationships are all about two different people with different goals and passions and needs and dislikes working together to blend their unique personalities. Or they should be, if you want a healthy relationship." Really, Lockheart?

I'd be more inclined to say that a healthy relationship is two different people with similar goals. People with different goals pull apart.

This.

No wonder there are so many fucked up excuses for relationships on here and IRL with all these ridiculous ideas, all from women, about compromising and 'blending personalities' and chats and what not to keep hold of a man. WTAF? Not to mention loaded everyone you date for 5 minutes iwth the term partner.

You're not compatible with your boyfriend. Split up. Find another one.

HollowTalk · 03/04/2021 15:52

I would end it. He's too influenced by porn, imo, and all those things he's into would be a real turn off.

AnniesAmazingEyebrows · 03/04/2021 15:53

Maybe you hate the idea, but perhaps because you're uncomfortable with it and might like it and don't want to like it.

An ex said that me when I said no to being physically hurt during sex. He told me I was against the idea because I would actually love being hurt and I just set in my ways. He also said it was fine at the start but then dropped hints and started saying this stuff to get me to consent to things I'd clearly told him no to. Then he gripped my wrists behind my back once and I when I pulled away upset he said he got carried away, and started with the if you loved me bullshit when I dumped him.

I've had a friend who had a husband say the same thing when she didn't want a threesome. She didn't want to have sexual activity with a woman and she didn't want to watch her husband fuck a woman. He told her she was just uncomfortable with the idea because she thinks she'll like it but is scared enjoying it too much.

I do not need to try being gagged, bound, hit, slapped, bitten, whipped, choked or whatever else to know for sure I don't find it sexually arousing. I'm pretty sure OP has thought about it a lot because he keeps dropping hints hoping to make her change her mind, she does not need to try anything to know she doesn't like it.

He's also already ignored her boundaries by pushing something she's said no to. Everyone who is into this stuff always says trust is very important and if one person says it's a no then it's a no. The fact this bloke is ignoring all that should surely be a red flag?

diwrnachoflleyn · 03/04/2021 15:58

@AnniesAmazingEyebrows

Maybe you hate the idea, but perhaps because you're uncomfortable with it and might like it and don't want to like it.

An ex said that me when I said no to being physically hurt during sex. He told me I was against the idea because I would actually love being hurt and I just set in my ways. He also said it was fine at the start but then dropped hints and started saying this stuff to get me to consent to things I'd clearly told him no to. Then he gripped my wrists behind my back once and I when I pulled away upset he said he got carried away, and started with the if you loved me bullshit when I dumped him.

I've had a friend who had a husband say the same thing when she didn't want a threesome. She didn't want to have sexual activity with a woman and she didn't want to watch her husband fuck a woman. He told her she was just uncomfortable with the idea because she thinks she'll like it but is scared enjoying it too much.

I do not need to try being gagged, bound, hit, slapped, bitten, whipped, choked or whatever else to know for sure I don't find it sexually arousing. I'm pretty sure OP has thought about it a lot because he keeps dropping hints hoping to make her change her mind, she does not need to try anything to know she doesn't like it.

He's also already ignored her boundaries by pushing something she's said no to. Everyone who is into this stuff always says trust is very important and if one person says it's a no then it's a no. The fact this bloke is ignoring all that should surely be a red flag?

100% spot on! Fucking disgusting how many women condition themselves to mould themselves to some man. I wonder how many men would consent to anal sex or being hurt during sex after they said NO when their women then tried to push or disregard these boundaries? Bet it's nigh on 0. It's 'No, not going there' and dump.

There should never be any other response to NO other than 'Okay'. Not a single one.

Pinkorblue25 · 03/04/2021 16:00

I'm pretty vanilla too. My ex husband used to buy me sexy underwear & sex toys for birthdays, Christmas etc, I used to hate it. They never got used and would sit in a drawer. He would often mention doing things I had no interest in or he'd even text while he was at work with ideas he'd had, it got to the point I hated sex with him & dreaded him bringing the subject up. Thankfully my current partner is nothing like that

diwrnachoflleyn · 03/04/2021 16:05

@Pinkorblue25

I'm pretty vanilla too. My ex husband used to buy me sexy underwear & sex toys for birthdays, Christmas etc, I used to hate it. They never got used and would sit in a drawer. He would often mention doing things I had no interest in or he'd even text while he was at work with ideas he'd had, it got to the point I hated sex with him & dreaded him bringing the subject up. Thankfully my current partner is nothing like that
Oh, the classic, buying you a gift that's really for them. Had one like this, but it was perfume. He bought me a perfume that he'd smelled on another woman that I tried on, didn't like and wouldn't wear. It was indicative of what a prick he was and he was soon dumped.
WhyNotNow21 · 03/04/2021 16:14

I think you know deep down that this can't be undone.

He's got a kink side to him that you don't. It's the shitty aspect of a relationship where you uncover everything else and it all matches up, only to discover this part is not compatible. It's really annoying and heart-breaking at the same time.

As others have said, I'd worry that his sexual needs wouldn't be met by me and he'd go elsewhere looking for that side of things because vanilla wouldn't be enough.

Of course right now he doesn't want to lose you but in 5 years time when you're still together and still having vanilla sex, he'll be wishing for something along the lines of an incestuous romp...

Kind of weird and a hard no from me. Save yourself the long-term heartache.

AtrociousCircumstance · 03/04/2021 16:16

You’ll always know that’s what he wants really. To use sex with you to work out his incestuous feelings towards his sisters.

Dump.

ekidmxcl · 03/04/2021 16:19

Get rid

OK you lose some money on trips

Better than being with someone who's totally wrong for you for several years

RuleWithAWoodenFoot · 03/04/2021 16:28

Time to end it.

dottiedodah · 03/04/2021 16:31

This would be a big old Red Flag for me I think .He is obviously into this stuff and you arent .That is fine .you should never feel under pressure in the bedroom .I would just say that you feel you are incompatible and look elsewhere

AnniesAmazingEyebrows · 03/04/2021 16:36

And vids about fucking female family members, especially sisters and daughters seem to be increasingly popular on sites like porn hub.

I don't watch porn but I do check the titles of the ones on the front page every now and then for an idea of what type of content is shaping the sexual ideas of young boys and men who use porn regular yes.

I've literally just looked to get some numbers and on the main page there loads with titles like "stepdad creeps on stepdaughter when mums away". "Stepdaughter does xxx to daddy" "cute stepsister needs brothers help" amongst other stuff. It over half the main page was this stuff with millions of views.

I don't care if I get told off for kinkshaming. I worry how this type of content will shape the minds of young boys and how it will influence their relationships with women into adulthood.

LalalalalalaLand123 · 03/04/2021 16:36

No point carrying on with this. He'll get bored. And you shouldnt do anything youre not comfortable with.

Bonariensis · 03/04/2021 16:56

CaptSkippy has it. These "sexually adventurous" men are actually misogynists with a porn habit looking for someone to act out their porn fantasies on.

Come on OP, you are worth a hell of a lot more than that!

deeplyambivalent · 03/04/2021 16:58

My xDP and I had incompatible kinks. He would send me scripts to learn ahead of time. They always started "the headmaster is in his study. There's a knock at the door". So cringey.

Thewiseoneincognito · 03/04/2021 17:03

Alarm bells, if you don’t do it he’ll find someone else to cater to his whims. Sorry.

CallMeCleo · 03/04/2021 17:03

You need to sit him down with a cuppa for a serious discussion. Ask him if this is a dealbreaker for him. If it is, split up.

NEVER do anything you don't genuinely want to do.

LalalalalalaLand123 · 03/04/2021 17:04

Sorry just read about the brother-sister fantasies. Bloody hell, that's where he starts! Imagine how much worse it gets after that!? Run for the hills OP!

Thewiseoneincognito · 03/04/2021 17:05

@deeplyambivalent

My xDP and I had incompatible kinks. He would send me scripts to learn ahead of time. They always started "the headmaster is in his study. There's a knock at the door". So cringey.
LOL what goes on in their heads that this is actually a turn on and normal?!

Reminds me of A friend who briefly dated a teacher who wanted her to put on a school uniform and would comment on how she was a naughty girl- she didn’t hang around long 😳🤔

Thewiseoneincognito · 03/04/2021 17:08

@AnniesAmazingEyebrows

And vids about fucking female family members, especially sisters and daughters seem to be increasingly popular on sites like porn hub.

I don't watch porn but I do check the titles of the ones on the front page every now and then for an idea of what type of content is shaping the sexual ideas of young boys and men who use porn regular yes.

I've literally just looked to get some numbers and on the main page there loads with titles like "stepdad creeps on stepdaughter when mums away". "Stepdaughter does xxx to daddy" "cute stepsister needs brothers help" amongst other stuff. It over half the main page was this stuff with millions of views.

I don't care if I get told off for kinkshaming. I worry how this type of content will shape the minds of young boys and how it will influence their relationships with women into adulthood.

The lines are very blurred. I agree