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AIBU?

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Original poster

New partner into things sexually that I’m not

183 replies

Mustardsocks · 03/04/2021 09:59

New partner keeps asking me about role play and BDSM stuff. I’m not into that kind of thing at all and it creeps me out (not shaming or judging anyone that does, it’s just not my thing) I prefer just normal sex, I like different positions etc and a few other things, but I guess I’m pretty vanilla when it comes to sex.

Not sure what I’m asking really, but I guess we may not be sexually compatible?

OP posts:
nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 03/04/2021 10:34

I think it sounds like you aren't really compatible. I wouldn't kinkshame him as a pp suggested because there's nothing wrong with it if you both enjoy it but I also wouldn't be pressured into sex I don't want. Be blunt. Say you aren't comfortable with it and please don't bring it up again unless to say you want to split up. Then it's up to him if it's a deal breaker.

Lockheart · 03/04/2021 10:35

@WeAllHaveWings

Relationships are a compromise in all areas, including sex.

Absolutely disagree with this. No one should feel they have to try anything sexual they don't feel comfortable with. No is no and asking, hinting at again is disrespectful.

Which is exactly what I said. If it's a hard boundary for you, don't do it.

But relationships are a compromise in all areas, including sex. So if you are dating someone who has sexual interests which are a hard line for you, then you're probably not compatible as you can't compromise.

At no point did I say "do things you aren't comfortable with". Please don't confuse forcing yourself to do things you don't want, with indulging things that don't really bother you.

For example, say I had a partner who was really into lingerie. Personally I'm not fussed, but if I liked them I'd be willing to dress up occasionally. However if they were into something which was a hard line for me, then I wouldn't do it. If they couldn't comprise on that, then we wouldn't be compatible.

Beamur · 03/04/2021 10:39

I think you're sexually incompatible. No harm in coming to that conclusion and going your seperate ways.
He likes stuff that you don't. You're both better off with someone who wants more similar things.

purplebagladylovesgin · 03/04/2021 10:43

It's obviously his need sexually, he should respect your views and it looks like he is, but, if he needs this sexually, longer term you are not going to be compatible.

It's a part of sexual make up than can be repressed with effort, but surely you both need partners that can meet sexual need?

iklboo · 03/04/2021 10:48

I'm not a fan of 'compromising' your sexual preferences for your partner unless they're willing to do the same. In my experience that very rarely happens. I'm honestly glad for those who do have a proper give / take relationship, though. It's just never happened for me.

YouKnowItsTrue · 03/04/2021 10:55

He’s going to become a pest about this isn’t he. Might be time for you to move on.

Better than getting embroiled in marriage and kids only to find he’s off shagging the neighbour in her dungeon to satisfy his needs. Confused

Iwonder08 · 03/04/2021 10:56

Why don't you ask him how important bdsm is for him? It might be what he likes doing most of the time or just something he would like to try and maybe do once a year. If it is important for him and not your cup of tea then move on. You should be able to have a normal conversation about that

Beautiful3 · 03/04/2021 11:03

It wont work. He's asked, you've said no and hes asked again. I think you know this. I'd get rid.

Zig27 · 03/04/2021 11:04

Meet someone else. He will keep asking you to do it and if you do you won’t be happy. If you don’t he will cheat to get this, I know from experience.

NameChangedForThisFeb21 · 03/04/2021 11:05

I think if what he is into sexually creeps you out and he keeps going on about it despite knowing that it’s not what you want, it’s only a (short) matter of time before you start seeing him as creepy. I’d feel creeped out knowing someone got off on hurting me or if they were a sicko into daddy/daughter, schoolgirl/teacher role play etc (and I have no problem being accused of kink shaming with reference to getting off on physical abuse or underage fantasies). We’d just have no future and he’d be ditched immediately. Sex is a big part of who we are. Sexually comparability is important and a sexual mismatch is not worth it. Especially if it’s potentially a mismatch were one feels the need to inflict pain and assert dominance and the other needs to feel safe and loved, for example.

littlepattilou · 03/04/2021 11:06

It's a NO from me. I would dump him sorry @Mustardsocks

VictoriaBun · 03/04/2021 11:10

Buy the biggest marrow or melon you can find and a tube of lube and tell him whilst he is doing those things to you - You also have an idea you'd like to give a go !

jessstan2 · 03/04/2021 11:14

Don't do anything you don't want to do. If 'what he wants' is really important to him and he keeps mentioning it, you are incompatible and need to part.

whatwherewhywhenhow · 03/04/2021 11:17

Dealbreaker

greeneyedlulu · 03/04/2021 11:18

He's not going to stop asking, dropping hints etc and you know that and eventually it will be a huge turn off. Can you really be arsed with it all?

PeggyHill · 03/04/2021 11:19

Sounds like a dealbreaker

Rosehip10 · 03/04/2021 11:23

I was reading somewhere that the pandemic has lead to more men trying to pressurise their partners for anal sex. Confused

ILoveAllRainbowsx · 03/04/2021 11:24

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Whatisthisfuckery · 03/04/2021 11:29

Anyone who won’t hear the word no is incompatible with a healthy respectful relationship. You could be into all the same stuff, but if they don’t respect your boundaries they’re a wrongun regardless.

EdgeOfACoin · 03/04/2021 11:32

His needs aren't going to change and he will just keep pressurising you.

These are desires, not 'needs'. Let's be careful when describing kinks as 'needs'.

OP, get rid.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 03/04/2021 11:39

Don't do anything you don't want to. My ex husband of 20 years suddenly decided he wanted BDSM and swinging and I absolutely refused. Neither of those things appeal to me at all. When I said no he just walked out which made me realise he wasn't worth hanging onto.
I'm quite open minded and wouldn't have minded if he's wanted to try those things on his own but his insistence that if I didn't get involved he'd leave me convinced me that the relationship was over.

MammaMiaWallace · 03/04/2021 11:41

I agree it won’t work. I’m into those things and wouldn’t want to compromise on a rich and fulfilling sex life within a relationship.

He’s within his rights to enjoy anything that’s safe, sane and consensual (without being deemed an abuser!) And you’re of course 100% within your rights to also enjoy what you like.

I’ve also met some extreme people whose activities I wouldn’t want to join in with; I wouldn’t start or continue a sexual relationship with someone who had those tastes as I wouldn’t want to join in and it’d just be awkward on an ongoing basis. They’re unlikely to suddenly change what they get off on... so it’s a bit of a fools errand.

Imo without sexual compatibility you may as well just be friends.

diwrnachoflleyn · 03/04/2021 11:44

You are not sexually compatible. Stop equating partnership to someone you are new to seeing, it loads everything unnecessarily. He's a boyfriend you're not sexually compatible with so you need to move on now. Like now. No chances or compromises, no one should compromise their physical body to do things they're not comfortable with.

Just a simple, we're not compatible and we need to do the mature thing, accept that and move on to others who are more compatible with.

MazekeenSmith · 03/04/2021 11:49

HIBU to keep dropping hints
He either accepts that it's not your thing and makes his peace with it or moves on. Dropping hints is not respecting your boundaries.

Eviethyme · 03/04/2021 11:50

He will constantly push and then years down the line he will give in and visit a dominatrix or something

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