New partner into things sexually that I’m not

[Mustardsocks]

New partner keeps asking me about role play and BDSM stuff. I’m not into that kind of thing at all and it creeps me out (not shaming or judging anyone that does, it’s just not my thing) I prefer just normal sex, I like different positions etc and a few other things, but I guess I’m pretty vanilla when it comes to sex.

Not sure what I’m asking really, but I guess we may not be sexually compatible?

Sorry, but I'm in full agreement with everybody who says this relationship will not work. You're not turned on by the thought of trying what he's into - in fact it sounds like you're actively turned off by it, so please don't let him try to convince you that you 'might enjoy it if you just tried it'.

If he's asked you multiple times it's clearly something he finds important in a sexual relationship. In your sitaution I think it'd be on my mind every time we had sex that he wasn't fully enjoying it because there were other things he wanted, and I wouldn't want to feel that way.

You're both wasting your time here, unfortunately.

@Frannyhy

It won't work. He will get bored of sex after a while. If your sexual desires are different it doesn't work, I've tried it and honestly it's better for everyone to find someone on the same page.

@CaptSkippy

If he keeps asking you about it, despite you having already said "no", it means that he doesn't care about consent.

Furthermore, I think that someone who gets off on hurting other people needs to see a therapist. I have no problem with so called "kinkshaming", because this shit is fucked up. It is nothing more than an expression of misogyny on women's bodies with "consent" involved. Even when the roles are reversed, it's still about male power.

I'd say kinkshame away.

YES! This.

totally and 100% agree CaptSkippy.

HIBU to say it's "fine" but then try to wear you down by constantly dropping hints. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who couldn't just have a mature, honest conversation about their wants/needs, whether that was about sex or something else.

He is waiting for you to change your mind and I would be concerned he is waiting for an opportunity when you are more vulnerable (drunk)

I would move on

I had an ex who was into similar and kept saying if only I would try it. He talked me through what he like. Nothing at all was sexually exciting to me role play seemed ridiculous just not my thing. Of course accused of being vanilla in other words a little boring or unadventurous- fine by me I just do get it

Move on because he won’t this is what he likes

Furthermore, I think that someone who gets off on hurting other people needs to see a therapist. I have no problem with so called "kinkshaming", because this shit is fucked up. It is nothing more than an expression of misogyny on women's bodies with "consent" involved. Even when the roles are reversed, it's still about male power.

What if the woman enjoys it and instigates it? I know a gay couple who enjoy it a little.

I just don’t get it .. (not do get it)

[quote Mustardsocks]@Workinghardeveryday he said that’s fine, then brought it up again a few weeks later. It’s like dropping hints all the time.[/quote]
See this is what is going to end up irritating the shit out of you. It's not that's suggested something different and accepted when you declined - which would be fine; it's that he's now going to start whining about it and not letting it go, which as we all know is a massive turn off.

He shouldn’t ever have brought it up again once you said no. He’s pushing you to do things you’re not comfortable with so you should dump him

Could you suggest he 'role plays' as a decorator and removes all that wretched wood-chip wall paper for you?

To balance things up and make it more 'real' you can take a tray with a mug of tea and a couple of digestives up to him.

Other 'roles' could be plumber, tiler, gardener etc. I think roofer might be pushing it a bit and anyway you'd have to provide Jaffa Cakes for that.

@Teensandfuture

It won't work

You will feel pushed and he will feel unsatisfied

Yep, this.

You'll always know you're not really going there with him.
He will always feel frustrated on some level that he can't be himself.

We have to be able to be ourselves. Otherwise your sexual journey is compromised, you can't be fulfilled as you could be, and more cracks may show over time in other areas of your life.

Sexual compatibility isn't just physical. To be honest, I think there's a fairly wide band of potential compatibility physically. As in, quite a lot of people would do fine for most of us physically.

It's the way you think. The way your sexual ego operates. That's where you need to click. Like dancing with the right person. Sooo much easier than someone who keeps treading on your feet, or doesn't respond to your suggestions, or pulls you the other way.

You are fundamentally not quite right for each other, in my opinion.

UNLESS you think you might consider just listening to what he thinks and see if in any way it might be something you could try a little bit. And see how it goes.

Maybe you hate the idea, but perhaps because you're uncomfortable with it and might like it and don't want to like it.

So, either think about at least trying it a bit, or well I guess just accept a compromise, or end it.

You need to sit down and have a good conversation about this, outside of the bedroom.

With BDSM you need to draw up boundaries fairly early on and I’ve always found that this works better sitting on the sofa than in bed. If there’s things you are willing to try in the bedroom tell him that. If you don’t want to try anything, tell him that. For some people they will be able to live without doing certain things in bed, for others it’s make or break. You are both entitled to feel how you feel on this topic though.

If you’re not compatible then it’s better finding out now than finding out when he springs something on you when in bed and putting you in an unsafe and comprising position.

You might as well dump him now.

You've said you're not interested in that, and he continues to hint and bring it up. He is trying to wear you down and is trying to push through your no - that's not a man you should experiment with BDSM with, even if you were interested.

For safe consensual BDSM he needs to really understand and believe in what consent is and when it's withdrawn, but he's demonstrating he's more interested in his wants than your wellbeing.

The fact that he keeps dropping hints isn’t great. I think this is time to cut your losses and move on.

My partner is into that kind of stuff and we’ve tried a few things, but he never drops hints or pressures me into doing anything I’ve already said no to.

Just wait till the 'if you loved me you'd do xyz' guilt trip attempt.

My exh repeatedly asked to do one thing outside our very vanilla repertoire, in his eyes to spice things up away from missionary. It was, and remains a hard no from me.

But it turns out that I'm not quite as vanilla as I thought, and with subsequent partners have been comfortable to explore, and enjoy lots of new things whilst remaining well within my comfort zone. My hard line remains however, and has never been pushed or questioned.

OP you need to dump. If this is a thing for him, he'll never drop it. Move on, there are millions of blokes out there who will worship you!

@ChronicallyCurious

You need to sit down and have a good conversation about this, outside of the bedroom.

With BDSM you need to draw up boundaries fairly early on and I’ve always found that this works better sitting on the sofa than in bed. If there’s things you are willing to try in the bedroom tell him that. If you don’t want to try anything, tell him that. For some people they will be able to live without doing certain things in bed, for others it’s make or break. You are both entitled to feel how you feel on this topic though.

If you’re not compatible then it’s better finding out now than finding out when he springs something on you when in bed and putting you in an unsafe and comprising position.

No, no you don't. She doesn't like it. The end. He's a boyfriend, not a spouse with kids and tons of history there. They're not compatible. So you end it and move on.

@WeAllHaveWings

Relationships are a compromise in all areas, including sex.

Absolutely disagree with this. No one should feel they have to try anything sexual they don't feel comfortable with. No is no and asking, hinting at again is disrespectful.

Agree completely with you. No one should ever feel like they have to do something sexually they don’t want to. Anyone who has sex/participates in sex acts with someone they know isn’t into it is not a good person and needs to be avoided at all costs.

OP if you’ve told him no and he keeps on asking/hinting for your own sake I would end it.

@CaptSkippy

If he keeps asking you about it, despite you having already said "no", it means that he doesn't care about consent.

Furthermore, I think that someone who gets off on hurting other people needs to see a therapist. I have no problem with so called "kinkshaming", because this shit is fucked up. It is nothing more than an expression of misogyny on women's bodies with "consent" involved. Even when the roles are reversed, it's still about male power.

I'd say kinkshame away.

He may be the masochist in this.

Agree this isn’t something that needs to be explored

You are not in the slightest curious

Just move on

Sexual incompatibility might be something that you can compromise on at the beginning of a relationship, but I'm a firm believer that it builds tension over time. If he's not getting what he wants from you, he'll get it elsewhere and probably tell you it's your fault 🙄 he sounds like he's being pushy with it.

You just need to say to him it’s not happening - so stop dropping hints, but yes TBH sounds like you might not be compatible and probably need to call it a day

@Beefcurtains79

He sounds pretty pushy sexually, I’d tell him to jog on.

This