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AIBU?

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Original poster

New partner into things sexually that I’m not

183 replies

Mustardsocks · 03/04/2021 09:59

New partner keeps asking me about role play and BDSM stuff. I’m not into that kind of thing at all and it creeps me out (not shaming or judging anyone that does, it’s just not my thing) I prefer just normal sex, I like different positions etc and a few other things, but I guess I’m pretty vanilla when it comes to sex.

Not sure what I’m asking really, but I guess we may not be sexually compatible?

OP posts:
RhubarbTea · 03/04/2021 13:19

No, this isn't going to work. He needs to find someone who is into what he likes and not keep moaning/dropping heavy hints all the time, that's just grim and you'll end up feeling resentful and probably put off sex in general! Which would be such a shame.
I'm all for people exploring their interests, but have zero patience for whiny twats who try and subtly manipulate people into doing things their way when the other person doesn't really want to. Fuck that shit! And how could a hesitant, uneasy not-really-into-it partner turn him on remotely? What is sexy about having to practically do a powerpoint presentation to explain why your partner would find something erotic? He should want to be with someone who actually WANTS that stuff.

notanothersaveusername · 03/04/2021 13:34

before you know it he will be pressurising. leave this relationship

Alsohuman · 03/04/2021 13:41

It would be a firm no from me and I’d call it a day. Both of you need to find people you’re compatible with.

Oblomov21 · 03/04/2021 13:45

Do yourself a favour and walk away now.

poppyzbrite4 · 03/04/2021 13:47

I'm wondering if part of his 'kink' is non consensual sex and domination. People into kink and BDSM are usually open about it at the beginning of a relationship if it's important to them. I'm wondering if this bloke is getting off on pressuring you and getting you to do stuff you don't want to do ie non consensual.

It's very unusual for someone into kink not to find that out at the beginning of the relationship before anything sexual has happened as it needs to be negotiated. I think he's just abusive OP and using 'kink' to mask that. I would see this as a giant red flag. Dump and run.

Twoobles · 03/04/2021 13:53

Even if he was lovely about it, I personally would skip this guy. If he’s into the opposite of you, even if he is “okay” with it now, eventually he’ll get bored and either cheat, leave or start pushing his ideas on you. It’s better to find someone on a more similar level to you when it comes to sex.

There’s nothing wrong with liking things more “extreme” but you really do need a partner who is genuinely into it and understands the rules behind it. Otherwise it has the potential to become abusive.

It’s not fair to encourage someone to do something they don’t want to do. Similarly, it’s not fair to suppress someone’s enjoyment.

For an easy life, I’d leave it.

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 03/04/2021 13:57

He may be the masochist in this

If he's the one pestering for it when she isn't interested, it doesn't matter what the precise details of his likes are, he's still trying to impose his preferences on her.

When the choices are 'do stuff to me that you don't want to, don't find remotely appealing or make you feel icky about how I see you or what I think of women' or 'let me do stuff to you that you don't want to, dont find remotely appealing, make you feel icky about how I see you or what I think of women and put you at risk of sustaining physical or emotional harm', it's not as if the former is OK then.

I think the OP would be better off dumping him now because whatever he wants, he's trying to override her boundaries for his own sexual desires. Which is never a good sign for the rest of the relationship.

TolkiensFallow · 03/04/2021 14:00

You’re sexually incompatible and he shouldn’t be pressuring you for something you’ve already said no to.

The kink is fine but the pressure isn’t.

CarnationCat · 03/04/2021 14:06

Definitely sounds pushy and could become coercive.

You said no, you're not interested in that and he tried to convince you for a second time. I strongly suspect this won't be the last time he brings it up. That is coercive behaviour and not acceptable.

MaudTheInvincible · 03/04/2021 14:08

The dropping hints all the time would be a massive turn off for me. I don't find coercive manipulation sexually attractive.

Original poster
Mustardsocks · 03/04/2021 14:11

Thanks for all the replies. The most disturbing comment he made that creeped me out was that he was ‘interested’ in brother/sister role play. It’s a big turn off for me. I told him in no uncertain terms that it was too much and it actually creeped me out.
The issue is they we are very compatible in every other way and we have similar interests (non sexual I mean) and he’s very much my type. This has just thrown me off completely and came left wing out of nowhere!
He’s not hugely experienced either so I wonder if he gets a lot of his ideas from porn.

OP posts:
MeadowHay · 03/04/2021 14:14

@Mustardsocks

Thanks for all the replies. The most disturbing comment he made that creeped me out was that he was ‘interested’ in brother/sister role play. It’s a big turn off for me. I told him in no uncertain terms that it was too much and it actually creeped me out. The issue is they we are very compatible in every other way and we have similar interests (non sexual I mean) and he’s very much my type. This has just thrown me off completely and came left wing out of nowhere! He’s not hugely experienced either so I wonder if he gets a lot of his ideas from porn.
Sorry to say that I absolutely 100 per cent would end a relationship with that info alone, it makes me feel sick and I could never look at someone who disclosed that to me in the same light again.
Divineswirls · 03/04/2021 14:17

Time to move on and find someone more compatible.

category12 · 03/04/2021 14:18

@Mustardsocks

Thanks for all the replies. The most disturbing comment he made that creeped me out was that he was ‘interested’ in brother/sister role play. It’s a big turn off for me. I told him in no uncertain terms that it was too much and it actually creeped me out. The issue is they we are very compatible in every other way and we have similar interests (non sexual I mean) and he’s very much my type. This has just thrown me off completely and came left wing out of nowhere! He’s not hugely experienced either so I wonder if he gets a lot of his ideas from porn.
Your "type" is creepy and kinky?

Come on now, OP - a person is not right for you if you have to say, he's perfect for me apart from this MASSIVE mismatch that makes me feel a bit ill.

Stop trying to fit the wrong piece into your jigsaw puzzle.

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 03/04/2021 14:21

@Mustardsocks

Thanks for all the replies. The most disturbing comment he made that creeped me out was that he was ‘interested’ in brother/sister role play. It’s a big turn off for me. I told him in no uncertain terms that it was too much and it actually creeped me out. The issue is they we are very compatible in every other way and we have similar interests (non sexual I mean) and he’s very much my type. This has just thrown me off completely and came left wing out of nowhere! He’s not hugely experienced either so I wonder if he gets a lot of his ideas from porn.
He doesn't actually have a sister, does he?

BIN BIN BIN BIN BIN BIN

diwrnachoflleyn · 03/04/2021 14:21

@Mustardsocks

Thanks for all the replies. The most disturbing comment he made that creeped me out was that he was ‘interested’ in brother/sister role play. It’s a big turn off for me. I told him in no uncertain terms that it was too much and it actually creeped me out. The issue is they we are very compatible in every other way and we have similar interests (non sexual I mean) and he’s very much my type. This has just thrown me off completely and came left wing out of nowhere! He’s not hugely experienced either so I wonder if he gets a lot of his ideas from porn.
It doesn't matter, you are NOT compatible. This is huge. Do not waste more time on him. You're trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. It won't work and is desperate and pitiful. Move on.
Original poster
Mustardsocks · 03/04/2021 14:22

@category12 I mean in a non sexual way. We get on in every other sense and he would 100% be my type if it wasn’t for that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mustardsocks · 03/04/2021 14:22

@NeverDropYourMoonCup yes, he has 2 sisters

OP posts:
diwrnachoflleyn · 03/04/2021 14:22

[quote Mustardsocks]@category12 I mean in a non sexual way. We get on in every other sense and he would 100% be my type if it wasn’t for that.[/quote]
But it is. So he's not 100% your type. This won't work.

category12 · 03/04/2021 14:27

[quote Mustardsocks]@category12 I mean in a non sexual way. We get on in every other sense and he would 100% be my type if it wasn’t for that.[/quote]
That's my point, OP - his sexuality is part of him, it's not separate from him or something you can ignore. Especially not in a sexual relationship.

He's not your type.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/04/2021 14:28

Come on, op, why are you hesitating? You know this guy isn't the one for you. Just end it already and stop wasting your time and his.

Original poster
Mustardsocks · 03/04/2021 14:29

When I bought it up earlier he said he hopes that it hasn’t put me off him and that it’s not important etc and he wants to be with me. We’ve got several trips away coming up booked and paid for. I feel so torn.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mustardsocks · 03/04/2021 14:29

He also said he won’t bring it up again and he respects me and won’t pressure me into anything

OP posts:
category12 · 03/04/2021 14:29

If it wasn't important to him, he wouldn't keep bringing it up and hinting.

category12 · 03/04/2021 14:31

You said you were repulsed by some of the things he's into - he's still the same person even if he's no longer telling you that stuff.