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Original poster

New partner into things sexually that I’m not

183 replies

Mustardsocks · 03/04/2021 09:59

New partner keeps asking me about role play and BDSM stuff. I’m not into that kind of thing at all and it creeps me out (not shaming or judging anyone that does, it’s just not my thing) I prefer just normal sex, I like different positions etc and a few other things, but I guess I’m pretty vanilla when it comes to sex.

Not sure what I’m asking really, but I guess we may not be sexually compatible?

OP posts:
viques · 03/04/2021 14:35

@Mustardsocks

Thanks for all the replies. The most disturbing comment he made that creeped me out was that he was ‘interested’ in brother/sister role play. It’s a big turn off for me. I told him in no uncertain terms that it was too much and it actually creeped me out. The issue is they we are very compatible in every other way and we have similar interests (non sexual I mean) and he’s very much my type. This has just thrown me off completely and came left wing out of nowhere! He’s not hugely experienced either so I wonder if he gets a lot of his ideas from porn.
I wonder if he wants to be the sister in this little game........that could be opening up a whole new chapter.
DuzzyFuck · 03/04/2021 14:39

If I were you I'd sit down with him and have a very honest conversation about your boundaries and then if he ever pushes it again, walk quickly away.

I'm fairly open minded and into some less than vanilla stuff occasionally, but the Brother/Sister thing you mention above turned my stomach and would be a hard NO from me.

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 03/04/2021 14:42

@Mustardsocks

He also said he won’t bring it up again and he respects me and won’t pressure me into anything
He'll just be imaging you're one of his sisters whilst shagging 'normally', then.

Are you really OK with that?

stablefeet · 03/04/2021 14:53

Bloody hell, he's a new boyfriend (not partner, partner is someone you are sharing your life with) and you're not sexually compatible. How long exactly do you think it will be before he brings this stuff up again? It's what he's into, he's hoping to bring you round to his way of thinking. Just knock it on the head now and be done with it. Don't go away with him.

stablefeet · 03/04/2021 14:55

[quote Mustardsocks]@category12 I mean in a non sexual way. We get on in every other sense and he would 100% be my type if it wasn’t for that.[/quote]
That's a mate or friend by the way - not a boyfriend or prospective life partner.

ButIcantsitonleather · 03/04/2021 14:57

Relationships are a compromise in all areas, including sex

Wow. Worst advice ever.

ButIcantsitonleather · 03/04/2021 14:59

Just RTFT.

Brother sister role play?

Yeah, I’m out.

MorganKitten · 03/04/2021 14:59

If he’s in to proper BDSM he understands boundaries and wouldn’t bring it up again. If he keeps bringing it up move on, he doesn’t respect the boundaries.

Lockheart · 03/04/2021 15:04

@ButIcantsitonleather

Relationships are a compromise in all areas, including sex

Wow. Worst advice ever.

Only if you're planning on dating a clone of yourself who only ever wants or likes the exact same things you want and like - which I assure you would be boring.

Relationships are all about two different people with different goals and passions and needs and dislikes working together to blend their unique personalities. Or they should be, if you want a healthy relationship.

So yes, relationships are a compromise in all areas, including sex. However if compromising would involve crossing a boundary for you then you're not compatible with that partner. It's not a bad thing or a judgement, you're just not right for each other.

LolaSmiles · 03/04/2021 15:08

You're not compatible and I'd be concerned that he doesn't respect boundaries, something that is essential for safe and respectful BDSM.

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/04/2021 15:09

[quote Mustardsocks]@Workinghardeveryday he said that’s fine, then brought it up again a few weeks later. It’s like dropping hints all the time.[/quote]
And that's why you should dump him. Because he believes that a 'no' doesn't mean 'no'.

"The most disturbing comment he made that creeped me out was that he was ‘interested’ in brother/sister role play. ... He’s not hugely experienced either so I wonder if he gets a lot of his ideas from porn."
Oh, he just sounds better and better! Not.

"We’ve got several trips away coming up booked and paid for. I feel so torn."
Honestly, your priorities are fucked. He creeps you out, but you've paid for trips so maybe you'll hold your nose and stick with him? Are you insane? Trips plural, so split them between you and go alone on the ones you bagsy, or take a friend.

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/04/2021 15:16

"Relationships are all about two different people with different goals and passions and needs and dislikes working together to blend their unique personalities. Or they should be, if you want a healthy relationship."
Really, Lockheart?

I'd be more inclined to say that a healthy relationship is two different people with similar goals. People with different goals pull apart.

Lockheart · 03/04/2021 15:18

@WhereYouLeftIt

"Relationships are all about two different people with different goals and passions and needs and dislikes working together to blend their unique personalities. Or they should be, if you want a healthy relationship." Really, Lockheart?

I'd be more inclined to say that a healthy relationship is two different people with similar goals. People with different goals pull apart.

Similar is different. Similar =/= the same.

But yes, if your goals are too different, you probably won't be compatible.

Just like if your sexual preferences are too different (per the OP), you probably won't be compatible.

category12 · 03/04/2021 15:20

Blend your personalities?!

You're two people, you remain two people, you don't become an amorphous blob, and it's not aspirational to lose who you are to a relationship.

Lockheart · 03/04/2021 15:22

@category12

Blend your personalities?!

You're two people, you remain two people, you don't become an amorphous blob, and it's not aspirational to lose who you are to a relationship.

Did I say you should lose who you are? Of course I didn't. You blend your personalities into your relationship. You don't lose your identity. You still have a life outside of your relationship (or at least you should do!).

I would have thought that went without saying.

category12 · 03/04/2021 15:23

Not the way you put it, it doesn't.

CaptSkippy · 03/04/2021 15:24

@slashlover

Furthermore, I think that someone who gets off on hurting other people needs to see a therapist. I have no problem with so called "kinkshaming", because this shit is fucked up. It is nothing more than an expression of misogyny on women's bodies with "consent" involved. Even when the roles are reversed, it's still about male power.

What if the woman enjoys it and instigates it? I know a gay couple who enjoy it a little.

I enjoy drinking, but I will never claim it is healthy or good for me and I am keenly aware that I only even think of drinking when it's been a tough couple of days. I drink to numb myself.

I can fully imagine people being the same about using one type to pain to numb or forget about another.

Like a lot of things we suposedly "enjoy", but know aren't good for us, it's a coping mechanism.

ButIcantsitonleather · 03/04/2021 15:25

@Lockheart I don’t think anyone should have to compromise themselves when it comes to sex. I think anyone having to compromise is not in a ‘healthy relationship’.

And I certainly wouldn’t be advising a woman to compromise in this situation and allow him to perform his little brother/sister role play fantasy...

70smillie · 03/04/2021 15:26

This just won't be a happy relationship.

Relationships are hard enough at times without starting off incompatible in such a major way.

grapewine · 03/04/2021 15:31

@MorganKitten

If he’s in to proper BDSM he understands boundaries and wouldn’t bring it up again. If he keeps bringing it up move on, he doesn’t respect the boundaries.
This 100 pct. He should be dumped.
Lockheart · 03/04/2021 15:33

[quote ButIcantsitonleather]**@Lockheart* I don’t think anyone should have to compromise themselves when it comes to sex. I think anyone having to compromise is not* in a ‘healthy relationship’.

And I certainly wouldn’t be advising a woman to compromise in this situation and allow him to perform his little brother/sister role play fantasy...[/quote]
Could you point out where I've told the OP that she must compromise and put up with it?

I've said she should enforce her boundaries, and it sounds like they're not compatible because it seems like this is a hard line for her, but I don't recall saying she should lie back and think of England...

If you can't compromise on a point (and it seems like wrongly or rightly this is a fairly major point for this man) then you're not compatible.

Lockheart · 03/04/2021 15:35

And I say that as a plural 'you', not the OP specifically. Her partner would need to compromise too.

But again, I come back to the point I've made repeatedly which is that it sounds like they're not sexually compatible.

grapewine · 03/04/2021 15:36

And you've got some very skewed priorities if you stay with someone who doesn't respect your boundaries because you have booked and paid for a holiday. Why would you even want to go away with this person?

YukoandHiro · 03/04/2021 15:37

Agree with those saying set your boundaries clearly. If it's not something you're willing to consider tell him you won't change your mind and it's not up for discussion and ask him to take the time to decide if he's happy with that - and if not then that's his choice but it's over

CaptSkippy · 03/04/2021 15:38

[quote Mustardsocks]@NeverDropYourMoonCup yes, he has 2 sisters[/quote]
OMG! Have you met any of them? Because I am willing to bet you somewhat resemble at least one of them.

If you can, give them a heads up about their brother, before you cut this creep out of your life. This would creep my out so much if a family member saw me in such a way.

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