Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I a bit pathological about this? Phobia of idleness

230 replies

thepeopleversuswork · 03/04/2021 09:47

I've always really hated the idea of being idle: both in myself and others. I really struggle with the idea of doing nothing: I feel appallingly guilty and like stuff is going to unravel and it makes me go off and find stuff to do even if it doesn' t need doing. I get bored really quickly and I get really frustrated when close friends and family can't motivate themselves to get stuff done.

For example the idea of a day slobbing in front of the TV would be unbearable for me: I would be climbing the walls. I couldn't bear to sleep in any later than about 9am even if I had had a really late night.

For a long time I thought this was fairly normal in people who want to get anything done, but I've had comments from people recently suggesting they think I need to learn to relax properly and that I might be a bit weird. One friend suggested I was in danger of passing neurosis onto my DD when I said I would discourage her from chilling out on screens all day.

Just curious really as much as anything: I was brought up like this: my parents both had a very strong work ethic and pushed me so it feels very natural and normal to me --- my mum hated me watching TV and would always shoo me away from it. Ultimately I think she was probably right to do this as watching TV can be a huge time vacuum unless you're watching purposefully.

But I increasingly think I might be a bit of an outlier as a lot of people I know seem to think I'm a bit of a freak and take the view that wasting time can be good for you.

OP posts:
Superstardjs · 03/04/2021 09:52

I too have a very strong work ethic, which is why after working my arse off I feel entirely justified in sitting on it doing nothing. If you want to be constantly busy, that's your choice - you just have to recognise that not everyone feels the same and you wanting to be busy does not mean everyone else is lazy.

BrumBoo · 03/04/2021 09:54

Good for you? What an odd not-so-stealth brag....

lazyarse123 · 03/04/2021 09:55

There is nothing wrong with relaxing. I work hard, my home is clean, it's not perfect by any stretch of the imagination.
But I sit and watch tv, read, mumsnet, sew for up to 6 hours a day and more at weekends. I don't feel the need to be constantly on the go and I don't feel guilty about it.

PolarnOPirate · 03/04/2021 09:56

I’m the same. I have recently been trying to sit down more but it’s hard, I feel anxious. I have been in therapy lately and it’s definitely a thing. I got into the habit of instead of sitting down in idle moments, I would stand in the kitchen scrolling and inevitably nibbling. So now instead of that I am having ‘movement snacks’ - quick little workouts. You know those awkward moments where you’re having to wait for a phone call from the doc, or can’t get something done before you need to go out for the school run, or have finished your to do list. I hate those moments. So this is a better way for me to deal with them. But as I say, I am also trying to sit down more. I have read a few books lately which helps as that feels productive!

IdblowJonSnow · 03/04/2021 09:56

I think your feelings sound a bit extreme op. I would be wary of passing this on to your kids.

Who does it really hurt it someone sits in their bum watching tv or sleeping for a few hours or a day?

mynameiscalypso · 03/04/2021 09:57

@Superstardjs

I too have a very strong work ethic, which is why after working my arse off I feel entirely justified in sitting on it doing nothing. If you want to be constantly busy, that's your choice - you just have to recognise that not everyone feels the same and you wanting to be busy does not mean everyone else is lazy.
Totally agree with this. I think it's also important to acknowledge that for most people, down time is incredibly important. I was discussing it with a psychiatrist recently and he was saying that he is often having to encourage his clients (and himself) to have more downtime, switch off from work/chores, veg out in front of the TV / read a book / play a computer game or whatever.
Original poster
thepeopleversuswork · 03/04/2021 09:57

BrumBoo

Not a stealth brag: I have been pulled up on it by people which is why I’m asking.

OP posts:
IdblowJonSnow · 03/04/2021 09:58

On not in! Grin

PolarnOPirate · 03/04/2021 09:58

(I realise that the real root of it is, why can’t I be still and relax, why does that make me anxious and stressed. But before I figure that out, this is where I am!)

AvaCallanach · 03/04/2021 10:01

I don't think it's necessarily a huge problem - do what you want - as long as you recognise that this is your choice on how to live and isn't a moral superiority over people who go to work, fix food for the kids, (ie aren't laying about all day) but do find the need to relax on the sofa or have the occasional lazy catch up day. Everyone's energy levels differ, as does how much their work day takes out of them. It's not a crime to spend most evenings lying on the sofa in front of the telly.

Notoriouslynotnotious · 03/04/2021 10:01

So what you are really saying is you see busyness as virtuous and idleness as non virtuous based on your conditioning growing up. Personally I don’t agree. I think downtime is absolutely fine.

JemimaTiggywinkle · 03/04/2021 10:02

It sounds exhausting and that you can never fully relax. I think it would be beneficial if you can find a way to make peace with sitting and relaxing.
Everything in moderation as they say.

And even if you can’t, try not to force it on others who have a healthy ability to switch off and relax.

ASimpleLobsterHat · 03/04/2021 10:03

I think there’s a big difference between watching tv all day and watching a bit as part of your day. I wouldn’t want to do the former (and would not allow my children to either), but we all need to rest and unwind and so a bit of tv (or other ‘idleness’) is fine. I think if you feel the need to be active and doing ‘useful’ things for your entire day then that does make you different from most people. Perhaps you get bored really quickly because you never allow yourself (or were never allowed as a child) to just rest and relax and so you’ve never learnt how to do it.

FrankButchersDickieBow · 03/04/2021 10:04

You see relaxing as bad/naughty/lazy, which is an odd outlook.

So once the house is tidy, you've done your shopping and arranged your underwear, what do you do?

Tippytaps · 03/04/2021 10:06

I can relate to what you’re saying, my parents had a similar Victorian idea of “virtuous behaviour” and I too carried it forward into adulthood. Until I realised I was unnecessarily burning myself out - and for what? So I could pat myself on the back and feel like a “good person”?

It took a long time with lots of baby steps, but I have learnt to leave the guilt behind and listen to what my body needs not “what is right and proper”. I’m much happier for it, and my mind feels so much calmer.

mamas12 · 03/04/2021 10:06

When do get time to think and let your mind run or get creative
Why do think you need to be occupied instead of contemplating life and thoughts
And what is watching tv purposefully???

FrankButchersDickieBow · 03/04/2021 10:07

And also I agree, don't pass your neurosis on to your child.

There's nothing wrong with doing stuff, but your commitment to doing stuff for the sake of it, is your issue. You've inherited it and it obviously makes you uncomfortable enough to start this thread. Don't let your kid inherit it.

UhtredRagnarson · 03/04/2021 10:09

Have a lie in, put your feet up. Relax. Go easier on yourself. There are no medals for any of this shit.

Womencanlift · 03/04/2021 10:09

I also like to think I have a strong work ethic and at the moment can easily be doing 10+ hours a day. The thought of not having a break at the weekend to switch off would lead to me feeling very stressed

It is not good to be always doing things. Your body and your mind need that downtime to relax and reset.

I too would be worried on the impact on your DD. You don’t say what age they are but kids of all ages, but especially those studying for exams, need to relax at times

Candleabra · 03/04/2021 10:10

I'm like this. Combination of upbringing, anxiety - and exacerbated by some really hard times over the last few years when I have been so busy that there was literally no time to relax.
I know it's really bad for me.
I think it's a skill to be relearnt. I find yoga helpful but sometimes that's yet another 'thing' to do and feel guilty if I haven't done it.

SueSaid · 03/04/2021 10:10

You maybe need to try a bit of meditation or similar. Relaxing and recharging our batteries are important and the fact you struggle to switch off is not ideal.

Relaxing does not equal 'slobbing'.

AuntieDolly · 03/04/2021 10:11

Like my Mum says, we are Human Beings, not Human Doings. It's ok to do nothing.

MeanderingGently · 03/04/2021 10:11

It depends what you mean by idleness. You sound as though you can't every relax, and I don't think that's a good way to be in the long run.

I personally wouldn't spend a lot of time in front of the TV, when I have it on I am often doing other things at the same time...dusting, washing up (yes, there's a TV in the kitchen) but equally, there is nothing wrong with having done all your chores and sitting down to watch a programme (or for an evening's viewing) as a reward.

And what about down time for quiet contemplation? Do you think that's idleness too? Sometimes I do nothing, nothing at all. I sit and contemplate the day, or sit outdoors to watch a sunset, or just quiet time to mull over things and recharge my batteries. I think if you are always doing, doing, doing things and feel guilty taking a break, there is something wrong. Mindfulness was invented as an antidote to this....

Dontbesoridiculous · 03/04/2021 10:12

Watching tv purposefully? Sod that.

I'm really quite slothful, it's great. What do you think happens at the end? Medals? Def unreasonable.

CandyLeBonBon · 03/04/2021 10:13

My mum is like this. It was exhausting growing up and I have huge issues surrounding never feeling good enough and constantly worried about being judged for my productivity which has led to burnout and several mental health diagnoses.

Don't do that to your DD. This is a neurosis and it stems from some form of insecurity. Spend some time getting support for it because self care (ie downtime) is not lazy or idle. It's vital to your mental well-being.

Swipe left for the next trending thread