Am I a bit pathological about this? Phobia of idleness

[thepeopleversuswork]

I've always really hated the idea of being idle: both in myself and others. I really struggle with the idea of doing nothing: I feel appallingly guilty and like stuff is going to unravel and it makes me go off and find stuff to do even if it doesn' t need doing. I get bored really quickly and I get really frustrated when close friends and family can't motivate themselves to get stuff done.

For example the idea of a day slobbing in front of the TV would be unbearable for me: I would be climbing the walls. I couldn't bear to sleep in any later than about 9am even if I had had a really late night.

For a long time I thought this was fairly normal in people who want to get anything done, but I've had comments from people recently suggesting they think I need to learn to relax properly and that I might be a bit weird. One friend suggested I was in danger of passing neurosis onto my DD when I said I would discourage her from chilling out on screens all day.

Just curious really as much as anything: I was brought up like this: my parents both had a very strong work ethic and pushed me so it feels very natural and normal to me --- my mum hated me watching TV and would always shoo me away from it. Ultimately I think she was probably right to do this as watching TV can be a huge time vacuum unless you're watching purposefully.

But I increasingly think I might be a bit of an outlier as a lot of people I know seem to think I'm a bit of a freak and take the view that wasting time can be good for you.

If you enjoy doing things and keeping busy, that's fine but I think it's important to recognise that some people prefer a more relaxed pace and there is nothing wrong with that. So long as the essentials are done then people can choose how they spend their time. With your DC, perhaps you need to encourage the idea that some things have to be done (dependent on age, eg homework, tidying their room, getting out for some fresh air) but then their time is their own. You could suggest activities but they could also watch tv if that's what they feel like.

I'm like this, and 90% sure I have ADHD.

This might feel left field but have you ever looked up ADHD? The feeling like you're driven by a motor is one of the symptoms and the way it manifests in adult women isn't remotely like the cliches around young boys "causing trouble" at school. ADHD has an understandably bad rap but once you understand it it can have real superpowers and you can learn to manage it. (Eg if I exercise more frequently I can curb the manic chore-doing and buzzing around.)

I think it's bad not to be able to relax . My brain needs time to chill out after a busy week

I think you have to live your life in the best way for you. I wouldn’t want to slob in front of TV all day or get up after 9 a.m. either. However you say that you hate the idea of idleness ‘in others’ and I wonder if some people are feeling a bit judged or criticised by you, hence you being pulled up on it. That, for me, would be something to reflect on.

'Don't do that to your DD. This is a neurosis and it stems from some form of insecurity. Spend some time getting support for it because self care (ie downtime) is not lazy or idle. It's vital to your mental well-being.'

Yes. Learn to chill op or your cortisol will be through the roof and you'll be stacking up health problems for the future. Use headphones and try a calming app or relaxing music.

I can really empathise although I'm typing this in bed, feeling guilty about not having got up yet!

My mum was the same. I was not allowed to relax at all. She drove me crazy growing up.

She had every minute carved out. Spanish, walking, music. I had to do what she said. I still got terrible results in everything!

I know I need to go easier on myself and show myself some self-compassion and I'm working on that but I still write down a list of the things I want to achieve today. ''Walk. Yoga. Tidy kitchen.''

Part of it is fear I'll get nothing done if I don't hold myself to high bar, but lately i've been diving in to ''self-compassion'' on youtube and the research seems to be that being compassionate to yourself does not affect your motivation or lower your bar.

I’m like you OP but I recognise it isn’t ideal and I don’t judge others for being more well adjusted that they can rest and relax when they want to or need to. It’s my problem, not them who is wrong.

I grew up with parents with a very strong work ethic, and were very busy both in work, and out of work. However - they both took time to relax, to enjoy tv they liked, music, reading sports and allowed us to do the same. There’s nothing wrong with spending time in a way that is different from others, and it’s ok for people to enjoy a day watching tv - it’s not being “idle”, it’s relaxing for many people. For me, it means being able to switch off from a tough job, and solo parenting. A day in front of tv is a lovely luxury.

Productivity is not the measure of worth, so don’t pass that message onto your children.

My mum is a non-relaxer, which she inherited from her own mother. It drives me bonkers. Like their worth is measured by their productivity. When they’re together it’s like a mad competition to see who can sit down less, while aggressively insisting that everyone else sits and relaxes (although granny has slowed down a bit now she’s in her 90s). Mum spends a fair chunk of time looking like a woman on the verge of a nervous breakdown, like if she sits down a lifetime of displacement activities will just completely overwhelm her and she’ll never get up again. I’m not saying it’s wrong to be an active person, but I’ve seen first hand the unhealthy side and think there’s definitely benefits to allowing yourself some proper down time sometimes.

Using words like "slobbing" for watching TV isn't useful. I imagine that's some kind of opinion your parents had about watching TV. It doesn't mean it's true. Lots of enjoyment and knowledge can come from watching TV as well as good conversations about the TV programme with others who've watched it.

It's your issue but doesn't really matter, does it?

I always say to my DD ''go and relax now, you've worked hard all week'' so I hope she won't feel as conflicted as I do when I'm doing ''nothing''.

I'm like this too, I struggle to relax. Also had workaholic parents.

Also I find that the issue is often that people like us tend to end up with people who are more laid back or lazy than average, and get in a vicious circle where we do more and more and they do less and less and everyone feels a bit miffed.

It needs an intervention I think. That said, I'm now a single parent and without this level of constant work, I don't see how I could keep the family afloat anyway, so maybe it's a blessing in disguise...

I just think you'll get old and be like...yeh should have watched X series rather than do whatever job that didn't need doing and didn't really contribute to my life...

Humans have a sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system that should be in balance. The sympathetic one gets things done, but also causes anxiety. The parasympathetic one is relaxing, called "rest and digest". Usually people with issues from childhood or anxiety disorders do not rest and digest. It is a form of avoidance - I am afraid to rest because I'm afraid of how ill feel: I'm afraid to be with myself. I'd say it's pretty unhealthy, OP

The Italians have an expression, The sweetness of having nothing to do'. Or there being nothing you have to do.

Idle people cause a lot less trouble in the world than busy ones.

When in doubt - do nowt. Just sit with yourself for a while. You might be surprised at what happens.

Do you not have anything you do just for fun OP? Reading, computer game, jigsaw puzzle, craft?

@Horehound

I just think you'll get old and be like...yeh should have watched X series rather than do whatever job that didn't need doing and didn't really contribute to my life...

I think it's just about recognising that the 'need' I have now is to do nothing and recuperate and rest and have no deadlines..... that is my need, so why am I ignoring that need? why would I feel guilty meeting that need?

Right, I must get up and do yoga now because I put that on my list today. wish I was joking I'll feel bad if i don't do yoga because I said i would.

It does sound like a neurosis. I know one person like this and he’s obsessed with “laziness”. His stems from being very, very insecure and having issues with his parents. It’s not a good thing. He can’t relax and is very twitchy yet he’s missed out on so many of the little pleasures of life.

Your life should be a balance. You need time to relax too. Read a book, watch a film, sit quietly and do nothing. Balance is key.

Knock yourself out while you can. When you get you my age it's extremely frustrating to be unable to do anything for very long without a little sit down

Sounds like possible ADHD. I have a friend like this. Literally cannot sit still. Even when sitting watching tv she is swinging her foot the whole time. Then she goes to bed and can fall straight to sleep without any winding down. Completely alien to me.

Oh gosh, sorry OP but people like you make me anxious. The thought of having everything planned and tasks set out and always having things to do makes me feel jittery and nervous. I’m a moderately successful adult with a good job and my own home but I also can spend entire weekends in bed with Netflix.

I’m not saying my approach is right and yours is wrong, but I do think relaxation is important for everyone. And talking about relaxing/doing nothing like it’s a failing isn’t healthy. I think attitudes like this are why we have such a culture of presenteeism and suspicion towards flexible working, shorter working hours or actually starting and finishing work at the times stated on our contracts. None of those things should be controversial! I’m definitely on the lazy end of the spectrum but I don’t see it as wasted time if I’m enjoying it

Its interesting that people raise this link with the Victorian moral perspective on idleness... I do think that's a real issue.

My parents both had this very strong sense of it being morally wrong to do nothing and I think I've inherited this.

I've also been a single mother for years and I think a lot of it also stems from this: the fear that if I don't personally do something it won't get done.

Interesting that so many of you feel this is unhealthy. I probably do need to do some work on this tbh. I do relax a bit: try to read books/spending time in the garden, but there's always a nagging sense that there's something else I should be doing and I find it very hard, knowing there is housework or work to be done, to voluntarily sit it out.

I don't think this is normal. I can only assume that there is some sort of hidden anxiety? Or deep rooted mental health issue.

But that's probably because I am the other end of the spectrum! I always make sure that things are done to a satisfactory level and after housekeeping and a load of washing is done I choose to sit down and do nothing, all the time! it is my preferred option. I am happiest sat at home, on my own. doing as little as possible.

I suspect you will never be anything like me! But a bit of balance might help you. Actually more than that, if People are starting to comment on it, actually clearly visible and therefore serious, it really does need addressing.