Am I a bit pathological about this? Phobia of idleness

[thepeopleversuswork]

I've always really hated the idea of being idle: both in myself and others. I really struggle with the idea of doing nothing: I feel appallingly guilty and like stuff is going to unravel and it makes me go off and find stuff to do even if it doesn' t need doing. I get bored really quickly and I get really frustrated when close friends and family can't motivate themselves to get stuff done.

For example the idea of a day slobbing in front of the TV would be unbearable for me: I would be climbing the walls. I couldn't bear to sleep in any later than about 9am even if I had had a really late night.

For a long time I thought this was fairly normal in people who want to get anything done, but I've had comments from people recently suggesting they think I need to learn to relax properly and that I might be a bit weird. One friend suggested I was in danger of passing neurosis onto my DD when I said I would discourage her from chilling out on screens all day.

Just curious really as much as anything: I was brought up like this: my parents both had a very strong work ethic and pushed me so it feels very natural and normal to me --- my mum hated me watching TV and would always shoo me away from it. Ultimately I think she was probably right to do this as watching TV can be a huge time vacuum unless you're watching purposefully.

But I increasingly think I might be a bit of an outlier as a lot of people I know seem to think I'm a bit of a freak and take the view that wasting time can be good for you.

Doing nothing is as important and needed to me as doing everything is to you. If i don't have time spent not doing things I become quite mentally unwell and it's detrimental. I'm not lazy, just different to you.

@AmyLou100

You seem to have a very confused idea about work ethic and idleness. They are not related. It also sounds like your parents passed on very unhealthy habits to you. Absolutely nothing wrong with taking time out each and every day if you want to. Do you feel comfortable with yourself? It sounds like if you have too much time to think or be still then you won't cope with that.

I feel very comfortable with myself. My self-esteem has never been higher.

Well it’s a view and a personality type - but yes it is also important and valuable to be able to relax as well as get stuff done. I understand your frustration with life’s procrastinators - but if you can’t relax it will very possibly make you ill, and certainly means you can’t enjoy life to the full. It’s ask pretty essential for creative thinking and problem solving - but that may or may not be relevant to you.

I'm a little bit like this...not so much thinking idleness is bad, I don't, and I don't care what others do. But I do struggle to relax and do nothing, and when I try I immediately start thinking about all the other things I could / should be doing. If I'm watching a film I find I'm waiting for the end so I can go and do something else afterwards. It annoys the shit out of me, I'm sure its a form of anxiety. Even right now whilst I'm sat on the sofa now faffing on mumsnet my brain is ten steps ahead of me wondering about maybe going to B&Q, doing some DIY, what about the washing, don't forget you need to call the dentist etc etc. When in reality none of that stuff is in any way urgent. It's exhausting.

@TableFlowerss

Well you’d think I’m a lazy cow then OP as chilling out and relaxing watching TV is one of my favs things. I work part time and I often think ‘I can’t be fucked going in today’ and dream of winning the lottery and jacking in my job so I could chill out more... I love laying on the sofa stuffing my face do god knows how people would judge me for my laziness......

Having said that, I live in nice detached house with 4/5 bedrooms, got about £30k in savings and save over £1000 each month after necessities and luxuries. My house is mortgaged but I also own another property outright so I save the rent. I dive an Audi....

So..... I couldn’t give a shit of people think I’m lazy because I enjoy relaxing, because I’m now in a nice position whereby I can chi out more. I don’t feel ashamed at all 😀😀

Wow all that with a part time job?

I've always felt slightly resentful of this whole narrative of the importance of space and time to "think" and "be", because its very much a privileged position to be in.

Everyone can find the time if they want to. You can create a habit of just 5 minutes a day if that's all you've got to spare. For some people cleaning is relaxing, or running, you don't have to sit still in one place. You just need to find some peace in your life and appreciate it.

Everyone's method of relaxing is different. You come across as very judgemental and your friend has a valid point in terms of your daughter.

My DH family are like this, and he can be sometimes to a lesser extent - I'm the opposite. I find it interesting to watch his parents because although they're always "doing", I just don't find them very productive. Everything takes so long get done, so much dithering I think because they have no reason to finish something. Whereas, I'll take an hour to do the chores so then I can go and relax.

The saddest part is the that they also struggle to be in the moment, even with their grandchildren. They'll be too busy clearing the table whilst we're all still sat at it or figuring out the timings for car journey home. They can't just relax and enjoy the moment.

@Pumpkyumpkyumpkin

I'm a little bit like this...not so much thinking idleness is bad, I don't, and I don't care what others do. But I do struggle to relax and do nothing, and when I try I immediately start thinking about all the other things I could / should be doing. If I'm watching a film I find I'm waiting for the end so I can go and do something else afterwards. It annoys the shit out of me, I'm sure its a form of anxiety. Even right now whilst I'm sat on the sofa now faffing on mumsnet my brain is ten steps ahead of me wondering about maybe going to B&Q, doing some DIY, what about the washing, don't forget you need to call the dentist etc etc. When in reality none of that stuff is in any way urgent. It's exhausting.

This is exactly it. It's not a conscious judgement on others, its just a nagging sense of guilt over wasting time and an urge to be using it more productively. In theory I totally understand the importance of down time and I wouldn't resent anyone else's right to have it. In practice, though, I really struggle with it.

And I would find it very hard to share living space with someone who wanted to spend an entire weekend watching TV. It would really irritate me. I know this is my problem and not theirs, but that's how I feel.

its just a nagging sense of guilt over wasting time and an urge to be using it more productively

Oh, no. That's sounds shit, sorry OP. Do you not value yourself or something? If you try to think of it as a mental health exercise, can you use that to justify it to yourself, make it seem productive, etc?

I don't know what the answer is really, you don't sound very happy.

Wow all that with a part time job

@Jemenfouscompletement

I wish haha my DH also works but i suppose what I was getting at is that OP would think I’m a lazy cow - (I am I admit I am) but I don’t need to work full time so why would I. We’re comfortable financially so I chose to work PT because I can.

Im a single mother too so there is no delegation but yeh balance wouldbe healthier. I work myself hard so i can feel less guilty about sitting in bed but a bit more balance would be good.

I work myself hard for periods of time because it terrifies me how lazy the "real" me is i think

its just a nagging sense of guilt over wasting time and an urge to be using it more productively

This is it exactly. Good example is yesterday, I had to go to M&S food Hall. I could then have allowed myself a nice wander around the non-food bit for the first time in months, but I didn't because it would have been wasting time, even though I would have enjoyed it and maybe bought myself something nice. So I rushed home to clean, even though that could have been done any time this weekend. Its like I'm on some kind of crazy imaginary time driven schedule, when nothing could be further from the truth. DH is always telling me to chill the fuck out and have a sit down but its HARD!

Sounds like you may be a little out of hand on this. But ultimately you’re getting the most out of your life, no? Slobbing around doing nothing ok v occasionally but such a waste of life on a regular basis. I have a busy social life, wonderful kids, good friends, a well kept tidy and clean house and regular exercise because I work bloody hard to motivate myself to achieve this not just sit around!

@WallaceinAnderland

its just a nagging sense of guilt over wasting time and an urge to be using it more productively

Oh, no. That's sounds shit, sorry OP. Do you not value yourself or something? If you try to think of it as a mental health exercise, can you use that to justify it to yourself, make it seem productive, etc?

I don't know what the answer is really, you don't sound very happy.

I am very happy. I'm probably happier than I've been in my life. I'm extremely comfortable with who I am.

I've come out of a bad first marriage and am infinitely happier for it, I have a healthy DD who I have a great relationship with, I have a nice boyfriend and a good, well-paying job. I'm in a great place.

I don't think its about happiness, but there is this thing driving me on to feel that I have to achieve. And to be honest I don' t see that as a negative thing. If I hadn't been driven I wouldn't be in the position I am now, financially and in other ways. I do think ambition is good and I won't apologise for that. I'm never going to be someone who is OK with doing the bare minimum in life.

But I do also recognise that my twitchiness about people doing very little and my need to constantly fill my time has tipped over into something a bit pathological and I need to deal with it.

Look up clinical perfectionism
You may relate to it
Rules - I must always be productive or I’ve failed / feel guilty

In normal times I’d rather be down the gym than watching tv, etc but blimey how I’ve embraced idleness during lockdown.

I’d certainly rather watch tv than do housework! Life is short, do stuff you enjoy. But if you don’t enjoy watching tv then don’t do it. However it’s not all mindless trash.....there’s a lot of educational stuff as well.

@Schmoozer

Look up clinical perfectionism You may relate to it Rules - I must always be productive or I’ve failed / feel guilty

I've never seen myself as a perfectionist... but I do feel that I've failed if I'm not productive.

@thepeopleversuswork do you shame friends/family if they don't do as you do? Either overtly or covertly?

What I mean is do you make it clear either directly or indirectly that if friends/family don't behave like you, then they're somehow wrong?

Hope that comes across properly - genuine question.

Have you thought about having an ADHD assessment?

Oh sorry OP, I read that all wrong. It's confusing because you say you're happy but then you say you feel guilty so I'm not clear whether you want to change or not?

This is interesting. I struggle with similar op but only in a workplace/education perspective- used to be like it but being married to a critical man and a nervous breakdown helped me rebuild/reframe things. Still a work in progress

[quote CandyLeBonBon]@thepeopleversuswork do you shame friends/family if they don't do as you do? Either overtly or covertly?

What I mean is do you make it clear either directly or indirectly that if friends/family don't behave like you, then they're somehow wrong?

Hope that comes across properly - genuine question. [/quote]
No I don't... I try very hard to keep it to myself.

That said, I do struggle a bit when people have very lazy weekends. For example when my boyfriend (who I don't live with) tells me he's had a long lie-in. I have never said anything to him about it but when he tells me he's slept in until 12 noon a bit of me thinks "thank God I don't live with you".

I know rationally what he is doing is totally OK and I would never say anything to him about it in a million years. But a bit of me is a bit

@Joeblack066

Have you thought about having an ADHD assessment?

Well it hadn't crossed my mind until now but thinking it might be useful!

@WallaceinAnderland

Oh sorry OP, I read that all wrong. It's confusing because you say you're happy but then you say you feel guilty so I'm not clear whether you want to change or not?

I don't know if I want to change. I like being busy and I have no desire really to do less. My biggest regret is not having done more with my life.

The way I experience it is that I wish more people were like me. But I also have read enough to realise that my experience isn't really normal and its probably me that needs to change, not the world.

But I increasingly think I might be a bit of an outlier as a lot of people I know seem to think I'm a bit of a freak and take the view that wasting time can be good for you.

I think you could try reframing this attitude for a different perspective. Downtime isn’t wasted time. Lots of people benefit hugely from time spend recharging without being occupied by a particular task. This can be even more essential for people with chronic illness, but even healthy people usually benefit from recuperative time. Not every minute of the day needs to be filled.

It’s fine if your preference is not to relax - do what works for you. But make sure you’re giving your daughter the option of downtime if she wants it, and without making her feel guilty or idle.