Am I a bit pathological about this? Phobia of idleness

[thepeopleversuswork]

I've always really hated the idea of being idle: both in myself and others. I really struggle with the idea of doing nothing: I feel appallingly guilty and like stuff is going to unravel and it makes me go off and find stuff to do even if it doesn' t need doing. I get bored really quickly and I get really frustrated when close friends and family can't motivate themselves to get stuff done.

For example the idea of a day slobbing in front of the TV would be unbearable for me: I would be climbing the walls. I couldn't bear to sleep in any later than about 9am even if I had had a really late night.

For a long time I thought this was fairly normal in people who want to get anything done, but I've had comments from people recently suggesting they think I need to learn to relax properly and that I might be a bit weird. One friend suggested I was in danger of passing neurosis onto my DD when I said I would discourage her from chilling out on screens all day.

Just curious really as much as anything: I was brought up like this: my parents both had a very strong work ethic and pushed me so it feels very natural and normal to me --- my mum hated me watching TV and would always shoo me away from it. Ultimately I think she was probably right to do this as watching TV can be a huge time vacuum unless you're watching purposefully.

But I increasingly think I might be a bit of an outlier as a lot of people I know seem to think I'm a bit of a freak and take the view that wasting time can be good for you.

I don't know how to write this so it doesn't come across too badly, but frankly, pottering around the house doing chores and diy for me equals "doing nothing", as in "achieving nothing".

The same way as taking a shower, washing your hair and brushing your teeth is "doing nothing".

Unless I am recovering from a bad surgery possibly, I can't in my head translate any of it as not being idle or doing something.

Agree it's not normal (as such!)

People can have a strong work ethic and still have a balanced life. Those are the people who I envy who can adult really well

I work everyday M-F and take ds swimming training 7 times a week including mornings and evenings some days.

I can quite easily sit and chill knowing there's ironing to be done, washing up to be done etc.
It'll still be there in an hour or day and my world won't end because it is.

My house isn't show home clean but it's clean and tidy. When we can have guests again it'll take me 20-30 minutes to do a visitor standard clean on the day they come.

I have a very strong work ethic. I've worked since I was 16, only taken time off for maternity leave, completed 2 degrees whilst working 2 jobs and raising dc's.

I also watch TV non purposefully love slobbing about on a day off and don't feel guilty about enjoying those days I have little to do. It does not make me lazy or idle. The language you use makes you sound very judgemental of those who are not like you.

Nothing wrong with wanting to stay busy all the time if it makes you happy.

It weird that you get frustrated with other people for not being the same as you though.

My mum is the same, she has very low self esteem I now realise and only feels worthwhile if she is doing something. I think you desperately need to find some things you genuinely enjoy. To be constantly thinking about work and housework is no life IMO. Of course if those things make you happy that is fine but there is so much more to life I think. As a child we didn't open presents at Christmas until all the dishes were done and the house was spotless, everything was tidied up and put away the minute it was put down and mess was really frowned upon. As a result I have gone completely the other way and do very little unless I love it, I have art, gardening and sewing projects everywhere :-)

I'm a bit like this but only because laying around in pj's gives me flashbacks to when I had horrendous depression. I'm scared of falling back down the hole again.

You are a human being, not a human doing, learning to just be and find yourself comfortable with your own company is a valuable skill.

I wonder if you feel valued by what you do, rather than who you are and if you aren't doing anything 'productive', you're not valuable? I find I also keep busy to stop myself thinking.

I find being busy boring. It tends to be stuff I have to do, rather than stuff I want to do, and I find the 'idle' stuff far more interesting. Doing chores and errands feels a bigger waste of time than reading a book.

I think it’s about balance. Working hard and getting things done is obviously necessary, but at the same time so is down time and letting your mind/body recharge. It’s possible to go too far in either direction but the two states are not ‘bad’ in themselves.

I also think that sometimes what might seem like productivity is actually just finding things to do and doing them for the sake of it. For example when I worked in a restaurant in my younger days and we had few (sometimes none at all) customers and not much to do, the manager would make us clean the already spotless counter so any customers saw that we appeared busy rather than just standing around. It just always seemed silly to me to do something that wasn’t needed just to appear we were active and busy.

Don’t get me wrong, I love the sense of satisfaction when you tick something off your to do list - but to me that also means I get to relax and unwind when I’ve done the things I need to, rather than find more jobs to keep going.

Obviously if you’re happy in how you do things then that’s fine. But I think it’s important to teach your child that rest and relaxation is essential alongside hard work, and there’s no shame in enjoying a quieter day of lazing around once in a while as long as that’s not your every day. Time enjoyed is not always time wasted.

If you’re busy all the time, when do you find time to think about stuff? Or do you never contemplate anything in any depth because you’re so busy being busy?

I used to be like this and have to battle quite hard somedays not to be. Like other PP I had parents with the same view as OP and it did a lot of damage to both dsis and I. Feeling permanently guilty for not achieving the absolute maximum in a day . Permanently guilty for not working hard enough or needing to rest.

N3oth dsis and I burnt out at different times. Its a massively unhealthy thing to pass to your DC. In truth the the g that made me really understand I needed to deal with it is that its huge false economy.

Those that let themselves rest and have downtime and time to themselves are far more sustainable in life. I have a ridiculously strong work ethic and it once landed me in hospital.

I go out of my way to make sure I have downtime and that the DC see it. There are huge psychological and physical health benefits.

I would genuinely work through this OP its not a good thing at all . Of course there is a balance but I've seen firsthand the damage this sort of attitude can do to DC.

I wouldn't say it's an "idleness phobia", as that does sound slightly like you've diagnosed yourself with a medical problem that doesn't exist, and that you therefore see yourself as having some sort of disability/ abnormality by being this way.

Truth is we are all different, and you sound like you're just a very "busy" type of person, that likes to use their time efficiently! I know a lot of people like this, who always need something to do. Equally I know lots of people that can happily do nothing all day. Some people just can't be sitting down doing nothing - you sound like one of those! But if you have survived lockdown and so much time just being at home doing not a lot you're probably alright.

Aw OP you don't know what you're missing. I absolutely love a bit of idleness. It's so relaxing and calming, just being still and peaceful and appreciate of the here and now.

It sounds like it's just the way you've been raised. If you're happy being busy, crack on, it's not hurting anyone is it.

@thebillyotea

I don't know how to write this so it doesn't come across too badly, but frankly, pottering around the house doing chores and diy for me equals "doing nothing", as in "achieving nothing".

The same way as taking a shower, washing your hair and brushing your teeth is "doing nothing".

Unless I am recovering from a bad surgery possibly, I can't in my head translate any of it as not being idle or doing something.

@thebillyotea That's a really interesting post. I do see what you mean in that short term it's achieving nothing, but in the long term it does. Ie if you shower and brush your teeth regularly you are a pleasant person to be around as you have good personal hygiene. If you were not to do that, you would smell and have rotting teeth, so it does achieve something (even though all you are achieving is the status quo). Doing DIY (assuming it's something that genuinely needs doing!) also achieves something long term, as you are improving your home and therefore having a nicer environment to live in.

I'm not criticising at all, I'm just interested to know why you feel that way. Are you just someone that likes to see instant, big results? (If you don't mind me asking that is!)

@EsmaCannonball

I find being busy boring. It tends to be stuff I have to do, rather than stuff I want to do, and I find the 'idle' stuff far more interesting. Doing chores and errands feels a bigger waste of time than reading a book.

I’m similar, I have to reward myself whilst doing chores, like listening to music or a podcast. I want to know what watching tv purposefully looks like. My DM is the opposite and has always had a very neat tidy house and is quite a Puritan. My childhood had a lot of activities when all I wanted to do was sit and draw. She is now quite judgmental of others and bitter that she hasn’t won at life like she thinks she deserved.

My in laws are like this and it’s exhausting to be around them. DH is quite weird as a result, he is very defensive of his downtime and is annoyed if I do life admin while he watches tv, even if I’m sat on a different sofa. I was brought up with the idea that boredom inspired creativity; I don’t slob out watching tv all the time but if I have half an hour to complete a task I may spend 15 minutes staring out of the window and then have to rush through the task. Sometimes DH reads this as idleness; I can see why it’s annoying but it it’s how I get things done! I find perpetual motion a bit dizzying.

I agree it sounds like you can’t relax . Rest is good it’s as good as exercise. We need rest especially after working hard or unwell. If you struggle to do that it will make you unwell in the same way not eating properly or getting exercise.
I was probably a little like you but I’ve relaxed over the years probably helped by my laid back dh but I can’t abide laziness but I’ve learnt it’s ok to have days when you relax . I grew up with parents who were the same breakfast was done and dusted even on a Sunday by 9am and If you were up late you were lazy . I think it was when we went on holiday with my parents and my dh , dc a few years ago that I noticed mostly how they were . We had to be checked out by 12 noon , by 8am the breakfast dishes and everything was washed and packed away while my dc still hadn’t got up . I was like what’s the rush. There was no chilling out with them at all .
I think it’s fine if your like that but not to assume everyone else should be the same .

The ADHD angle is interesting -- I do find it hard to focus on stuff. Maybe worth exploring.

For those of you pushing the idea that idleness is when you do your thinking etc: I understand that in theory. But if you don't have a partner or any family to help you you don't get the luxury of time to think. I've always felt slightly resentful of this whole narrative of the importance of space and time to "think" and "be", because its very much a privileged position to be in.

I think my attitude is a combination of my upbringing and a more recent sense of having to be responsible for absolutely everything to prevent the wheels falling off and these two factors make me feel very impatient of people who have hours to spend doing very little.

But I do recognise that some of my instinctive attitudes to this aren't healthy and I need to do some work on them and to shield my DD from them. Thanks to all of you.

I’m like this as in I feel like I always have to be on the go and have a never ending list of chores, etc to do or I feel like I have to be playing with DC or taking them to the park. I can’t stand DH who sits on the sofa all weekend like a sloth then moans he’s hungry when there is a fully stocked fridge and cupboards. It frustrated me as I’m constantly busy with feeding DC, loading the dishwasher, going to the supermarket, picking crap off the floor, etc. I just can’t sit down and leave the bin overflowing onto the floor. I do love to sit down and just chill for an hour but I rarely get the opportunity as the work just piles up

You seem to have a very confused idea about work ethic and idleness. They are not related. It also sounds like your parents passed on very unhealthy habits to you. Absolutely nothing wrong with taking time out each and every day if you want to. Do you feel comfortable with yourself? It sounds like if you have too much time to think or be still then you won't cope with that.

My Mum is exactly like this, and frankly it’s painful. For example if you go for Sunday lunch, she’ll be all about cooking the meal and keeping busy. Will sit down and eat with us for precisely 15 minutes and then will start clearing plates and then basically she’ll busy herself with clearing and washing up, making you feel really uncomfortable about staying and chatting, so we are out the door within an hour of arriving. Basically it feel like every job she ‘needs’ to do, is more important than her family.

Well you’d think I’m a lazy cow then OP as chilling out and relaxing watching TV is one of my favs things. I work part time and I often think ‘I can’t be fucked going in today’ and dream of winning the lottery and jacking in my job so I could chill out more... I love laying on the sofa stuffing my face do god knows how people would judge me for my laziness......

Having said that, I live in nice detached house with 4/5 bedrooms, got about £30k in savings and save over £1000 each month after necessities and luxuries. My house is mortgaged but I also own another property outright so I save the rent. I dive an Audi....

So..... I couldn’t give a shit of people think I’m lazy because I enjoy relaxing, because I’m now in a nice position whereby I can chi out more. I don’t feel ashamed at all 😀😀

@Slayduggee

I’m like this as in I feel like I always have to be on the go and have a never ending list of chores, etc to do or I feel like I have to be playing with DC or taking them to the park. I can’t stand DH who sits on the sofa all weekend like a sloth then moans he’s hungry when there is a fully stocked fridge and cupboards. It frustrated me as I’m constantly busy with feeding DC, loading the dishwasher, going to the supermarket, picking crap off the floor, etc. I just can’t sit down and leave the bin overflowing onto the floor. I do love to sit down and just chill for an hour but I rarely get the opportunity as the work just piles up

This is interesting as a I share this and I think my marriage to my ex husband may have been a factor in amplifying this.

He was pretty crap domestically although a very good cook and given the choice he would spend the whole weekend zoning out in front of the TV. This was a major trigger for my wanting to split.

One of the reasons I hate this sort of behaviour is that it inevitably pushes work onto the other partner. While one person is stewing in bed for five hours someone else has to feed and bathe the DC, entertain them and so forth. The right of one person to be idle, or whatever you want to call it, equals the obligation of another person to step into the breach and there's something entitled about it.

This is probably why I will never cohabit again.

If people don’t think I work hard enough then that’s their issue - I’m happy with what I’ve got