Am I a bit pathological about this? Phobia of idleness

[thepeopleversuswork]

I've always really hated the idea of being idle: both in myself and others. I really struggle with the idea of doing nothing: I feel appallingly guilty and like stuff is going to unravel and it makes me go off and find stuff to do even if it doesn' t need doing. I get bored really quickly and I get really frustrated when close friends and family can't motivate themselves to get stuff done.

For example the idea of a day slobbing in front of the TV would be unbearable for me: I would be climbing the walls. I couldn't bear to sleep in any later than about 9am even if I had had a really late night.

For a long time I thought this was fairly normal in people who want to get anything done, but I've had comments from people recently suggesting they think I need to learn to relax properly and that I might be a bit weird. One friend suggested I was in danger of passing neurosis onto my DD when I said I would discourage her from chilling out on screens all day.

Just curious really as much as anything: I was brought up like this: my parents both had a very strong work ethic and pushed me so it feels very natural and normal to me --- my mum hated me watching TV and would always shoo me away from it. Ultimately I think she was probably right to do this as watching TV can be a huge time vacuum unless you're watching purposefully.

But I increasingly think I might be a bit of an outlier as a lot of people I know seem to think I'm a bit of a freak and take the view that wasting time can be good for you.

What would you have wanted to do if you could have done things differently op?

My only thought is does this affect your timekeeping with others. Are you always busy so you end up being late on many occasions?

If not, nothing wrong with what you prefer.

What's wrong with your boyfriend sleeping in until midday, though? He's not hurting anyone.

I know you say you're happy, but if that's genuinely the case, why does what other people choose to do with their time matter so much to you?

@CandyLeBonBon

What would you have wanted to do if you could have done things differently op?

I would like to have worked more outside the UK (I had one stint working abroad). I would like not to have jettisoned my first career due to financial pressure (mainly bound up with marriage and childcare). I would have liked to have written a book. I would like to have learned to speak languages fluently. I'd like to be good at art. I'd like to be good at DIY and practical things. I wish I'd never got married.

It's fear of judgement, I think? Why does what other people think have such a profound impact?

If you have done all the things that you wanted/needed to do each day/week then why must you throw yourself into doing additional things that weren't on your list/aren't what you want to do? What's the point of that?

Keep your judgements in check when it comes to other people and perhaps that will allow you to relax more often and realise that at the end of it, it just doesn't matter.

It's not a phobia - that would be elevating the importance/validity - it's just a drive to judge other people and to accommodate that safely, you have to include yourself. Exhausting and pointless.

@sunflowersandbuttercups

What's wrong with your boyfriend sleeping in until midday, though? He's not hurting anyone.

I know you say you're happy, but if that's genuinely the case, why does what other people choose to do with their time matter so much to you?

I've been very clear that I recognise he's not hurting anyone -- don't make it out like I'm being judgmental because I'm going out of my way to own this as my problem and not his.

It's totally up to my boyfriend when he chooses to sleep in until. But someone asked me for examples of how others behaviour impacts on me and I gave this one.

The way I experience it is that I wish more people were like me.

Why?

I have a really strong work ethic too, but also value downtime - it's healthy to have balance

@thepeopleversuswork I don't know how old you are but I have had similar feelings. Some I can't do anything about but some I have.

But I sense perfectionism in your reply there. It's not just 'learning to speak another language' it's 'learning several languages fluently'

Etc.

Your post really resonates actually because I share similar frustrations that I have not 'achieved my full potential'

I am currently undertaking an MA, I finished my degree last year. I retrained in a completely different field 10 years ago. I've started writing a book (it will never see the outside of my laptop but that's not the point!).

I'm 51.

I am also being assessed for adhd. I don't channel my energy in to 'domestic busy-ness' but I recognise the compulsive need to 'keep going' although at times it's so overwhelming get paralysed by it,

It's certainly worth investigating If it's causing you concern. And I understand about the marriage thing too.

I've been very clear that I recognise he's not hurting anyone -- don't make it out like I'm being judgmental because I'm going out of my way to own this as my problem and not his.

I'm not making you out like you're being judgemental at all - that's a bit of a leap on your part.

It's totally up to my boyfriend when he chooses to sleep in until. But someone asked me for examples of how others behaviour impacts on me and I gave this one.

But you don't live together, so how does it impact you?

I suppose I am the complete opposite to you. I don't have any work ethic at all. I think work is something to be tolerated to get money. I hate how you have to give up most of your time to work. To get money to buy pointless stuff to have to work more. On an endless loop.
I lovely nothing more than lazing around and relaxing. I find it very calming and gives me good mental health.
If I'm always rushing around I feel stressed, anxious and drained.

I can't be idle either. From the moment I open my eyes my brain ping pongs to hundreds of different thoughts. I'm fully wired and awake within seconds. My day is spend achieving or trying to, in whatever I need to do.
I struggle to find down time and I truly envy those who find relaxation so easy. I was sewing until 2am last night and up again at 7am to clean the kitchen.

My husband just rolls over and snores gently until 9 am. I want to lay in, would love to relax with a book, but my brain is so active I can't stop to concentrate. I've often wondered if I might have a form of ADHD. To only time I'm truly absorbed is when I'm creating and sewing new clothes. I'm then in my relaxation zone, but my mind is super busy and problem solving. And I can only make something once, once my mind has solved the sewing puzzle I'm not interested in the task again.

@Dutch1e

I also have a strong work ethic and it only happens because I'm fiercely protective of my idle times when the mind can drift, make new connections, and make space for inspiration.

I think busywork is destructive to true productivity

This. Ironically, it’s becoming a novelist that made me forcibly realise this. You can’t just crank out a daily word count. Sometimes woolgathering is completely necessary.

But I do sympathise, @thepeopleversuswork — I grew up a bookish eldest daughter in a household where reading was considered ‘pure laziness’ by all the adults, and despite four degrees and working all my life with books, at 48 there are moments where I still hear my mother saying ‘If you’ve nothing else to do, change X’s nappy/peel the potatoes for dinner/hang out the clothes’, even when I was studying for school exams.

X-posted with your most recent posts, @thepeopleversuswork. That’s a lot of regrets. Do you think part of you is fixated on keeping busy because if you stop, you feel the regrets more? Or that you keep busy at minor things because what you really want is to direct all your considerable energy and work ethic into things you really want to do like learn languages, or write a book or another career?

Are none of these things possible? I wrote my first novel during DS’s naps on a miserable maternity leave with an unsettled high-needs baby. I wrote the second one working FT in a job I hated with a small child and very limited childcare...

@WallaceinAnderland

The way I experience it is that I wish more people were like me.

Why?

I don't in a conscious, rational way want to make everyone like me. I realise that's unrealistic and probably unhealthy.

You asked me whether I wanted to change or not as you had initially said it sounded as if I was unhappy. As I've said, I'm not unhappy at all and if I'm honest I don't really want to change, I just have this persistent sense that I'm out of whack with other people in this. Very few people I meet are as driven as I am (not necessarily in an ambition sense, just in the sense of having to be busy).

My day to day experience of this is to feel frustrated when people are, for example, able to sleep in until noon. I recognise that this is a shortcoming on my part rather than theirs and I don't actively want to change this but the way I experience it is a sense of impatience that people can choose to waste half a day sleeping. A deep, instinctive and probably very unhealthy part of me thinks this is lame.

I'm not trying to say I think everyone should be more like me and God forbid that I would tell anyone they need to be more like me. I'm just trying to get to the bottom of why I feel like this as its increasingly clear to me that its not really normal.

"I am very happy. I'm probably happier than I've been in my life. I'm extremely comfortable with who I am."

Ok, so crack on then.

Friends being concerned that you're so neurotic that your DDs mental health is at risk, to the point they mention it to you suggests otherwise.

Starting threads to try and gauge opinion on whether you are "normal" or not suggests otherwise.

Not being able to just sit still for a few hours suggests otherwise.

But ok, never happier

Unless you're posting on Mumsnet while cooking/cleaning/working etc you're clearly able to have some down time!!

Work 8 hours, sleep 8 hours and have 8 hours of fun.

I try my best to follow this. I work 8am until 3 or 4pm. (Can be exchanged with 9 to 5 for others)
Also Ive observed that all MEN tend to follow the above rule. They indeed have it sorted.

I'm a total fidget, I'm always busy, hate wasting a minute etc but even I'm sitting here posting shite online and sitting still for a moment

What's relaxing and watching TV got to do with your work ethic?

@denverRegina

"I am very happy. I'm probably happier than I've been in my life. I'm extremely comfortable with who I am."

Ok, so crack on then.

Friends being concerned that you're so neurotic that your DDs mental health is at risk, to the point they mention it to you suggests otherwise.

Starting threads to try and gauge opinion on whether you are "normal" or not suggests otherwise.

Not being able to just sit still for a few hours suggests otherwise.

But ok, never happier

Isn't it better to be able to question your assumptions and patterns, rather than just crashing on regardless?

Don't make me feel shit about starting threads to ask these questions: that's what this board is for and I am not going to apologise for this. And don't try to make me feel like I'm in denial: if I were in denial I wouldn't be asking the questions in the first place.

It is perfectly possible both to be happy and to recognise that you need to do some work on some parts of yourself. It's called being self-aware and conscious.

I’m exactly the same, I hate doing nothing. I always think I should achieve something every day, otherwise it’s a waste of a day. I’m a nightmare on holiday, I always want to be out and about doing and seeing things, and making the most of where I am. My motto is “I’ll relax when I’m dead”. I don’t seem to need much sleep and I hate lying in. have a short attention span, and I think I’ve probably got some form of ADHD. I spend a lot of time on mumsnet though!

I don't think there's anything necessarily wrong with the way you are, and it is good that you have some insight into how other people's perspectives differ.

It likely will put you into conflict with people you live with who don't share your outlook, but you know this.

A habit I have noticed in many is that they attempt to paint whatever personality traits / habits / hobbies they have as morally better in some way, than others.

I would draw a strong distinction between busyness and productivity, incidentally. I was always partial to the French idea of "flaneur" - a kind of idle wandering, or meandering play - as being interesting.

Grafting gets the chores done. True intellectual pursuits happen when the mind feels like it is playing, not working! :-)

Sorry if this has already been said - I’ve only skim read the thread. I believe there is a growing pool of evidence to show that people who are able to rest well are more productive overall.

Have a listen to this:

drchatterjee.com/how-to-work-less-and-get-more-done-with-alex-pang/

"Don't make me feel shit about starting threads to ask these questions: that's what this board is for and I am not going to apologise for this."

This board is AIBU. And yes you are in my opinion.

Your words and actions are contradictory with the claim of "never happier". Doesn't add up.

Nobody wants an apology but what you're saying doesn't make sense. And IME if it doesn't add up it's generally because it's not the whole truth.