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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think that DH should be contributing our rent?

202 replies

Yolo89 · 02/04/2021 19:48

So my DH has decided to move out for three months to try and sort out his depression. He also has a bit of an issue with alcohol.
He left giving me about two days notice.

I am studying full time so have little to no income.

He has now told me he cannot pay any rent this month and some next month. My DS and DD are with me.

His lack of repsonsibility towards money has been an ongoing problem. He spent £200 on some slots app in January and each month runs out and then Im the bad one as i dont give him money.

What is fair in this instance? How much of the rent should he be paying whilst he is not here, given it is for three months and then he intends at this point to move back.

I am just so upset right now.

OP posts:
JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 04/04/2021 08:45

OP I hate to say it but I think your DH has left you and isn't saying.

  • get the tenancy switched to your name
  • Claim UC as a single parent living alone. Make sure the bank details are changed so it goes to you
  • contact CMS.

He's not gonna contribute to rent for you and that's the stark truth. Don't be a fool to this deadbeat any longer

TimeIhadaNameChange · 04/04/2021 08:51

@ElspethFlashman

it is for three months and then he intends at this point to move back.

No he doesnt.

NO HE DOESN'T.

Sorry OP but that's a bold faced lie.

He probably will given half a chance as he'll discover life is harder on his own.
JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 04/04/2021 08:52

If actually put money on a new woman being in the picture any day now - sorry OP but it's clear as day that he isn't moving back.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 04/04/2021 08:52

Also unless it's a private agreement no landlord would agree to just a 3 month tenancy

HeavenlyEyes · 04/04/2021 09:05

I hope you decide during these 3 months that you do not want him back. Why has he suddenly left? So he can gamble and drink to his heart's content or has he an OW?

Either way you need to take care of you now. Stop taling to him like he is your friend - he has demonstrated quite clearly he is not. Go as little contact as poss and get your ducks in a row.

HeavenlyEyes · 04/04/2021 09:06

oh and stop giving him money.

Theunamedcat · 04/04/2021 09:07

@CleanQueen123

This may have already been said but will UC even pay you the housing element if the tenancy isn't in your name?

I'm sure I can to provide my tenancy agreement showing how much the rent was and that it was in my sole name.

Honestly OP, you and your children are worth so much more than wasting your lives carrying him.

Find alternative accommodation and start rebuilding your lives as a family unit.

He won't change. I know you desperately want him to but wishing won't make it so.

No UC Won't pay he is earning therfore he is able to pay
MiaowMiaow99 · 04/04/2021 09:11
  1. he's not planning on returning
  2. even if he did, why would you let him
  3. call housing asap. Ironically, you're now technically homeless
  4. start new claims as single person
HeavenlyEyes · 04/04/2021 09:13

Also he needs to stop coming over to the house. And you are giving him food, why?

CleanQueen123 · 04/04/2021 09:24

@HeavenlyEyes

Also he needs to stop coming over to the house. And you are giving him food, why?
My thoughts exactly. He doesn't get to check out of family life but return to the home and be given food when it suits him.
CleanQueen123 · 04/04/2021 09:28

@Theunamedcat it's pretty obvious he isn't going to pay though isn't it? So if OP isn't entitled to the housing element of UC in her current property she needs to sort out accommodate where she will be.

Cocomarine · 04/04/2021 10:35

@Yolo89 you posted a lot before about your “severe peri menopausal anxiety”.

Could you just consider, for a moment, that whatever the menopause is doing to fuck your over, it pales in comparison to his behaviour? Living with an addiction, being left high and dry by an addict...

I have a very strong suspicion that if you finally took the mental leap to say “fuck this” (I didn’t cause, I can’t control, I can’t cure) then you’d find that you actually just have common or garden low level peri menopausal anxiety?

Yolo89 · 04/04/2021 11:41

Coco - I've suffered from this anxiety since 2018.

His depression and behaviour does not help no.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 04/04/2021 13:01

[quote CleanQueen123]@Theunamedcat it's pretty obvious he isn't going to pay though isn't it? So if OP isn't entitled to the housing element of UC in her current property she needs to sort out accommodate where she will be.[/quote]
Yes I've been joining in the chorus of leave put your kids first im not sure its getting through

CleanQueen123 · 04/04/2021 13:03

@Theunamedcat I suspect you may be right.

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 04/04/2021 13:37

@Yolo89

Coco - I've suffered from this anxiety since 2018.

His depression and behaviour does not help no.

Not surprised you're constantly anxious with that cunt in your life.

Get rid. Claim for yourself - Now. Not in a bit, not after the next payment (which he is not entitled to at all, by the way, as he isn't the PwC nor does he live in the place that housing costs are being paid for).

Find a place where he can't drink and gamble the rent/roof over your head and steal your children's food away from them (by taking the money before you can spend it) and then expect you to feed him.

Noshowlomo · 04/04/2021 13:57

Oh OP. What a selfish cunt bag. Why would you want to wait for him anyway... he doesn’t give a shit about you at all.
Does he deserve you? I don’t think he deserves anyone.

GabsAlot · 04/04/2021 15:01

Youre not helping yourself op you keep asking what you can do to help him

hes beyind your help-youve been through this before how many chances does he get-do you want your children to believe this is a normal relationship and copy it when theyre older?

Yolo89 · 04/04/2021 21:05

NeverDropYourMooncup - what does PWC mean?

I am still yet to reply to all of your messages. I hear what you are saying.

A few things to add.
Facts - he is a low level drinker. he will drink 1-2 cans per day and sometimes weeks without. Yes He still has a problem but as I have worked in the field of drugs and alochol - it is on the lower end. At the moment.

He has a disability - since birth which has meant he has suffered from depression before he met me. I did not know about the depression. His trauma/depression/self medicating all stems from this.
I know he needs rehab.

Why can people say as clear as day he is leaving? We spent today together with the children and it was a good day.

He has one child at least most nights.

He is seeing an alcohol counsellor.

There are lots of things wrong. I know, I know.

But he is not a passing out every night drunk.

AnD NO HE DOES NOT DRIVE.

OP posts:
Longdistance · 04/04/2021 21:12

He’s left. He’s not coming back. And why the fuck us he taking food from the house? I hope that doesn’t leave you short?

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 04/04/2021 21:24

OP is this man so magnificently amazing/good looking/good in bed/irresistible that he's worth a life of him coming and going as he chooses and leaving you in the lurch financially?

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 04/04/2021 21:38

@Yolo89

NeverDropYourMooncup - what does PWC mean?

I am still yet to reply to all of your messages. I hear what you are saying.

A few things to add.
Facts - he is a low level drinker. he will drink 1-2 cans per day and sometimes weeks without. Yes He still has a problem but as I have worked in the field of drugs and alochol - it is on the lower end. At the moment.

He has a disability - since birth which has meant he has suffered from depression before he met me. I did not know about the depression. His trauma/depression/self medicating all stems from this.
I know he needs rehab.

Why can people say as clear as day he is leaving? We spent today together with the children and it was a good day.

He has one child at least most nights.

He is seeing an alcohol counsellor.

There are lots of things wrong. I know, I know.

But he is not a passing out every night drunk.

AnD NO HE DOES NOT DRIVE.

Parent with Care - you. It'll be handy to know the terminology for putting in your application to CMS (Child Maintenance Service).

1-2 cans. Bullshit. That was when he had to keep it on the low because you were on his case. He's got free rein now. One of the reasons he left (and obviously to punish you).

Everything's due to his disability. Bullshit. Otherwise every disabled person in the UK would be fucking over their spouse and children to steal their money, move out to continue to spend it and, quite frankly, we don't.

Why if you worked in Drugs and alcohol are you falling for the bog standard addicts' script? He doesn't want to change. He wants you to change according to what he wants more booze and gambling money, mostly.

He isn't coming back if he doesn't have to. It's great where he is now. All your money, all his money, all the booze he wants, no need to feed himself, you can't say he's lying because he's somewhere else. He's happy as a pig in shit on the money that should be feeding and housing you and your children.

He has taken the money to house and feed your children to house himself, buy himself drink and gamble the rest away. He's only being nice to you because he knows he's committing benefit fraud, financial abuse and abuse/neglect of the children, he doesn't want you to stop 'his' money and doesn't want to spend any of what he's stolen from your children on feeding himself.

Once he's got 3 months out of you, he'll come up with excuses why you've fucked it up so he 'has' to stay there longer. And when you get evicted for his not paying the rent, he'll say you've fucked up by not paying it. Or he'll be planning for you to get a council house and then he'll 'visit' whilst keeping his drinking pad going. Just because you made him depressed or stressed, obviously.

Unless you get the money transferred over to you as a single parent right now.

Then he'll graciously permit you to try to make it worth his while to come back. Which will require you grovelling at his feet, apologising profusely for all the wrongs you have done him and generally promising to never, ever expect the bare minimum of a decent human being, husband and father of him ever again.

Until you see that this 'just a can in a blue moon' liar is deliberately punishing you, stealing from your children, bullying and abusing you so that he can get what he wants, you're fucked.

Oh, and by the way, if you don't make a separate claim now and you get evicted, the council won't rehome you at all, as you have made yourself intentionally homeless by not paying the rent. Separating properly and financially from him is the only way to prove that it is not a deliberate decision to try and get a council house (and then have him moving straight back in).

REALITY CHECK: He will see you on the street and the children in care before he puts his hands in his pockets for money that has been paid to him for you and your children.

StartingGrid · 04/04/2021 22:11

Generally when people talk about addicts it's said they need to hit rock bottom before they realise they need to do something, however in this case the OP is the one rapidly trashing her life thanks to her own addiction to this absolute waste of space of a man. OP have you ever heard of the sunk cost fallacy? This is what you're doing and its disturbing how in denial you are for someone supposedly with relevant experience and well educated.

Have some self respect and put your children first, create a stable, safe home for them and see if he is ever in a position to deserve to slot himself into that life rather than maintaining the absolute disaster that is him being the centre of your universe.

DyeHard · 04/04/2021 22:31

Imagine you're 20 years older and one of your children is in your position. What would you say to them?

Whether he is planning to come back after 3 months or not isn't the big issue. Nobody knows, don't waste time on it.

A 'good day' doesn't make up for the fact you and your children can't rely on this man to be a reliable husband and father.

Yolo89 · 04/04/2021 22:32

I have applied for separate UC a few days ago. This while post has become quite negative. There is support and advice and there are makung massive assumptions.

I'm.sorry but your story is not the same as mine.

I dont need to be knocked when down.

Please keep it supportive ❤️

OP posts: