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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that DH should be contributing our rent?

202 replies

Yolo89 · 02/04/2021 19:48

So my DH has decided to move out for three months to try and sort out his depression. He also has a bit of an issue with alcohol.
He left giving me about two days notice.

I am studying full time so have little to no income.

He has now told me he cannot pay any rent this month and some next month. My DS and DD are with me.

His lack of repsonsibility towards money has been an ongoing problem. He spent £200 on some slots app in January and each month runs out and then Im the bad one as i dont give him money.

What is fair in this instance? How much of the rent should he be paying whilst he is not here, given it is for three months and then he intends at this point to move back.

I am just so upset right now.

OP posts:
Lottiethelemming · 02/04/2021 20:07

Make a single claim now. UC won't backdate rent owed even if he's recieved it and not used it for its intended purpose.

If the rent was too expensive whilst he was there, it mist likely will be now that you're on your own.

Apply for social housing. Apply for child maintenance. Don't give it another thought.

Original poster
Yolo89 · 02/04/2021 20:07

He has been out of work until January, So it was UC plus parental help.

Since January he has had a job and was paying the whole rent, as he has done for the past number of years, as I have been home with our children and am now studying. Due to finish this year thank goodnesss.

SO he normally takes care of eveything. He literally left with two days notice so I couldnt even change UC for this months pay. He said he will pay some next month but he has nothing this month,

I respect him less and less.

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 02/04/2021 20:08

Actually if the tenancy is in his name only then I'd take the opportunity to move and leave it as his problem. Tell the landlord he's left, let them evict you and the kids and get yourself on the council list - by yourself!
(Though if you are married this might be worth checking whether you are indirectly responsible anyway)

aSofaNearYou · 02/04/2021 20:09

If they are both your children then he is acting deplorably. I would prepare for single life. Put in a claim with CMS. Can you afford to move out, or do you have somewhere you can go to stay? If it is just in his name you are surely not liable at all.

TheABC · 02/04/2021 20:09

He has left you.
Sorry, but the "three months" thing is a red herring.
I recommend getting a claim in your name, talking to the landlord about the lease and planning a single future. If he has already got one CCJ, it's not going to get any better.

I appreciate this is not what you want to hear, but get advice to ensure his debts don't drag you down.

IndecentFeminist · 02/04/2021 20:09

He should be paying as he was before, given he has given you no notice.

What is he expecting you to do? Sell your body until he decides to come home?

All this being said, I'd tell.him that if he is leaving you and the kids to fend for yourselves then it is going to be permanent as you will need to declare yourself a single parent and get the benefits you are entitled to.in order to provide for your family

UR88 · 02/04/2021 20:10

He should be paying nothing and he should be out of your life for good.

LittleOwl153 · 02/04/2021 20:10

Contact UC ASAP. Swparate the claim. He will have to pay some back if he has been overpaid for this month as you/kids are no longer part of his claim as of today.

WetWeekends · 02/04/2021 20:10

@Merryoldgoat

Well if he’s supposedly still living there and he’s just taken a break to sort things out she should pay as normal.

But that’s irrelevant.

If he can’t then he can’t.

He’s a gambler with depression and problem drinking.

You’ve got bigger problems than rent.

I can’t think of many bigger problems than providing a roof over her children’s heads myself.
CornishTiger · 02/04/2021 20:10

If you claim separately then as the tenancy is in his name only you wouldn’t get UC to pay the rent.

It’s a bit of a mess tbh. I’d look to speak to shelter about your right to occupy and whether you can apply to council for housing.

winterchills · 02/04/2021 20:11

He sounds absolutely awful and you should never ever let him back in

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/04/2021 20:11

I respect him less and less.

Unsurprising.

I'd start divorce proceedings, file with CMS, ask family for rent (because he won't pay so it doesn't matter if he should) and look for anywhere and everywhere to get support.

RJnomore1 · 02/04/2021 20:12

Are evictions allowed again now? Were they not stopped due to covid?

HoldontoOneMoreDay · 02/04/2021 20:12

He should be paying it all, of course he should - but what posters are trying to get across is that he won't, because he's an addict and a liar and would rather his children were made homeless than hand over his benefits to house them.

So you need to get your big girl pants on, my love, and make a list.

If you can get family help for this month then take it, priority has to be keeping the roof over your head.

Get a UC application in, in your own name, asap.

Get a CMS claim opened.

Speak to your family and see if someone will go guarantor so you can move to somewhere cheaper.

Finish your studies, find a job and move on with your life. Which will actually be immeasurably easier without a deadbeat gambling addict on your hands.

LonginesPrime · 02/04/2021 20:13

Move out to somewhere new in your name and claim child support from him.

Clearly he can't afford to run two households and it's bizarre that he's taken out a second tenancy when he can't even afford the one he's already committed to.

You need to get out of there and into a secure home for yourself and your DC so they don't have to deal with the trauma of being evicted from their home. Just move somewhere so you can all be settled instead of relying on his empty promises and irresponsible, selfish decisions.

BigPaperBag · 02/04/2021 20:13

@Yolo89

Our children are both ours together. The lease is in his name only.

But he was out of work last year and they have threatened eviction.

He has paid three months at the place he has taken so has nothing left over. However this is not what was said to me.

I cant explain why he has done this. He has mental health issues and feels he needs space. However it is a strange way of doing it.

He knows I can ask my family for help and just doesnt want to take responsibility as people with addictions dont. I cant explain it.

He hates this place as it is too expensive. But i tried to move two years ago and we got to the reference stage and it came out he had a CCJ. It's all just a mess.

If the lease is in his name only then why would you bother paying anything? It’s his responsibility anyway. Or just pay what you can afford and no more. I know it’s shit on the landlord but what more can you do? You can’t be chucked out for 6 months anyway.
User0ne · 02/04/2021 20:15

Tbh if the tenancy is in his me.only I'd tell him he has to pay the full rent.

You say you can ask your family for help: do so but it should be for help separating your life and finances from your gambling, semi-alcoholic husband until/unless he can demonstrate he isn't going to drag you and your dc down into a pit of debt and hardship with him.

butterry · 02/04/2021 20:15

So he is a gambler, an alcoholic, has depression and up and left his wife snd children with no warning, leaving you the stress of handling everything by yourself? The lease is in his name, he is liable. He should realise his responsibilities not try to shirk them. Financially he is more than irresponsible if he cannot get credit and is asking you for money each month. This isn’t someone to spend your life supporting. He has already checked out of your life so start making plans to move and stop subsidising him. Best of luck.

AIMD · 02/04/2021 20:16

How did he sign a tenancy on another place with a ccj and no money. Wouldn’t he have had checks and had to pay for advance rent and deposit?

Have you seen this place

Cocomarine · 02/04/2021 20:16

Legally: his tenancy, he owes every penny.

Morally: he’s walked out on his kids, he should pay whatever amount he needs to keep them housed. So - the fair rent less whatever you could realistically pay yourself.

I would advise you not to pay the rent, if you won’t be in a position to do so long term - which it sounds like you aren’t? It’s dead money. You don’t legally owe it, and you can’t afford to stay anyway. Save any penny you can. Call Shelter for advice. Speak to your local Housing team - find out what position you’d be in for support when made homeless after eviction. Note that eviction is harder at the moment due to Covid (think that’s still in place). If by the time he saunters back in his landlord (not yours) has started proceedings - that’s his problem.

Separate everything financial, and divorce the fucker. Nobody needs a gambling loser who doesn’t support their children.

HollowTalk · 02/04/2021 20:20

Once he's away from you he will spend every penny possible on himself. He's utterly selfish. You really have to put yourself and the children first now, OP. Put a claim in to Child Support. Sort out the UC for yourself. Ask your family for help. He's a complete shit and doesn't deserve you and the children.

TurquoiseDragon · 02/04/2021 20:22

@TheABC

He has left you. Sorry, but the "three months" thing is a red herring. I recommend getting a claim in your name, talking to the landlord about the lease and planning a single future. If he has already got one CCJ, it's not going to get any better.

I appreciate this is not what you want to hear, but get advice to ensure his debts don't drag you down.

I thought this, too.

OP, I agree you need to work quickly on making a future on your own with the DC.

If he's a gambler, then it's totally irrelevant how much rent he should be paying because you won't see any of it.

TurquoiseDragon · 02/04/2021 20:28

Actually, there's no confirmation that he's signed a tenancy elsewhere. Only that he's apparently paid for 3 months upfront.

He could be sofa surfing with a friend, or moved in with someone else, etc.

I'd take anything he says with a pinch of salt. He's a gambler and has a drink problem, he can't be trusted.

Potterythrowdown · 02/04/2021 20:28

Well he's done you a bit of a favour there hasn't he? Now is definitely the time to bin him off for good. He drinks too much, gambles, can't keep a job, abusive, pays the rent late (I did a username search, sorry). Not really much use as a husband or father.

Good advice above about getting UC, CMS and advice on housing sorted asap.

steff13 · 02/04/2021 20:28

I would start setting my household up as though he's not coming back, because I suspect that's what will happen. Claim whatever benefits you're potentially eligible for.

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