OP.
He’s not coming back.
I’ve lived with an addict.
They want to be in their own world.
You, your children, you’re an inconvenience to him. You come between him and his gambling, his drinking. You are a permanent reminder that he has failed and will fail.
He has left because he is in so far there’s no way of getting out. His ‘stress that’s going to cause a heart attack’ is because he is behind on bills, he’s probably taken out numerous high interest loans to cover this and he won’t face the truth.
The problem with gambling, with drinking...is just one more. Just one more spin. Just one more drink. Oh well I’ve already spent £100 I may as well spend £20 more. It must pay out soon. Today has to be my day.
The most damaging thing for everyone, is that he believes the lies he tells himself.
Look at the lies he’s telling you:
I’ve paid three months upfront and I can’t afford the rent
Well that may well be true given he has a CCJ. But I find it hard to believe he would secure a three month tenancy. A six or twelve month tenancy would be much more likely. If he’s moved somewhere as a lodger, they are highly unlikely to credit check, therefore it would be rent paid a month in advance. So he’s either lying about the timescale or he’s lying about the terms.
He has paid three months at the place he has taken so has nothing left over. However this is not what was said to me.
Do you know what makes you gain and lose money quickly? Gambling. You could win £800 one day and make decisions based on that. The next day you’re clearly lucky, so you keep going. Before you know it, you can’t meet the commitments you made yesterday.
DH thinks he supports as he takes the children but he has never been able to offer financial security.
In this sentence alone, his attitude is so apparent. I do you a favour by having your children. He doesn’t see them as something he’s responsible for. Most normal people with kids, who can’t keep a roof over their heads would move heaven and earth to earn more money.
Here he is, prepping you for your future; I’m going to be a part time dad that sees my kids every other weekend.
He keeps asking what I am working on? What am I doing to help the relationship?
This is deflection. He’s making you feel bad to deflect from the fact he’s done nothing.
What is he doing to help your relationship? Running away, abandoning his responsibilities, gambling away financial security and drinking himself into oblivion. He is not in a relationship with you, he is consumed by his own selfish behaviour.
He is accountable to our counsellor.
I’m afraid you’re lying to yourself here. I wholeheartedly endorse counselling, but the accountability only works if you want it to. If he wanted someone to hold him to account he wouldn’t have moved out. He’d have stayed and asked for your help. He’d have signed up to GamStop. He’d work night and day to pay off his gambling debts which I have no doubt he has.
You may be accountable to the counsellor because you own your shit, but he isn’t.
You know what he said when I said you spent £200 on a slots app? He said well I won money.
Ask him how much he spent and how much he won. Ask him where his winnings are. That lie will come crashing down. I have no doubt he does win, but I have every certainty he bet the whole lot again in the belief he’d win more.
OP. I’m sorry to be really blunt but, he’s lying to you. He believes his own lies. And you’re accepting them. For what? A man who won’t father his own children, won’t provide, won’t even pay the rent, doesn’t meet obligations, doesn’t take responsibility.
All the balls are in his court and to some extent you’ve put them there. Take them back, make your own choices and stop enabling this. Keep your boundaries high. This man isn’t going to build a life with you, with your children, he’s going to destroy it.