Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that DH should be contributing our rent?

202 replies

Yolo89 · 02/04/2021 19:48

So my DH has decided to move out for three months to try and sort out his depression. He also has a bit of an issue with alcohol.
He left giving me about two days notice.

I am studying full time so have little to no income.

He has now told me he cannot pay any rent this month and some next month. My DS and DD are with me.

His lack of repsonsibility towards money has been an ongoing problem. He spent £200 on some slots app in January and each month runs out and then Im the bad one as i dont give him money.

What is fair in this instance? How much of the rent should he be paying whilst he is not here, given it is for three months and then he intends at this point to move back.

I am just so upset right now.

OP posts:
harknesswitch · 02/04/2021 21:11

Why would you want him to come back to you after three months after he's left and and either dc high and dry?

LittleOwl153 · 02/04/2021 21:12

@Yolo89 You are a university student? Go and see student support. They will not want you to drop out now. They will help you get sorted.

Mycatismadeofstringcheese · 02/04/2021 21:12

Also, how fucking dare he assume you want him back after 3 months.

I know you are devastated now, but I’ll bet before the three months is up you feel a lot better without him around, the entitled fucker.

Standrewsschool · 02/04/2021 21:16

@TheABC

He has left you. Sorry, but the "three months" thing is a red herring. I recommend getting a claim in your name, talking to the landlord about the lease and planning a single future. If he has already got one CCJ, it's not going to get any better.

I appreciate this is not what you want to hear, but get advice to ensure his debts don't drag you down.

I was going to post something similar. He has left you. Take control of the situation. Don”t let him dictate the narrative.
Commonwasher · 02/04/2021 21:17

I suggest you get an appointment with Citizens Advice Bureau after Easter Bank Hol and ask them about financial and housing options for yourself and the children. It’s probably better for you to have less money overall, but more control over it, than to be always scraping by depending on what is left after he has finished drinking or gambling.

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/04/2021 21:17

Do not pay any rent as you are not liable. You can stay put for the short term but need to talk to shelter. The issue with staying and not paying is that if he tells the ll he has officially moved out and hands in his notice, you have no legal right to stay there once his notice period comes to an end. This is because you have said you are not named as a tenant on the lease. You are therefore a permitted occupier.

I do not know the eviction rules for a permitted occupier in relation to COVID rules. But if a permitted occupier refuses to leave, the ll has to go through the courts to get an eviction order. Legally you do not need to pay the rent. The ll must pursue that through the person on the tenancy agreement.

Atm the courts aren’t hearing eviction notices of arrears / bad payments of less than 6 months... and there may already be arrears or a long history of late payments. However, if your husband has moved out, the ll cannot evict you for non payment as you legally don’t have to pay a penny. They will therefore have to evict you as a permitted occupier refusing to leave.

If your parents can act as guarantors, you could agree with the ll to modify the tenancy agreement and take the lease over yourself and at this point you can make a UC claim. And at that point and to protect yourself and your children financially, you would do well to separate officially and refuse your husband entry to your home.

The big question is do you want to stay in the house?

Cocomarine · 02/04/2021 21:28

I’ve just searched your previous posts. His alcoholism and running through your money (plus treating you like shit) has been going on for years.

I actually assumed you were quite young - partly your post wording and partly thinking the 89 in your username was your year of birth. But it isn’t.

I think most posters - including me - have been responding to you like you’re up shit creek with no money and two kids.

But - you have an inheritance (at least what he hasn’t blown through) and your uni course is a masters with a guaranteed job in June.

So... I’m not sure you needed my advice about speaking to Housing about being homeless, or using the “benefit” of living rent free until eviction.

I’m a bit confused about the UC claim too - as he earns well when contracting.

So... assuming you still have inheritance and the job starting in June, can I change my advice to:

  1. Fuck this shit
  2. Find a place you can afford to rent alone (possibly paying 6 months up front from your inheritance)
  3. Get your CMS claim started now
  4. Repeat after me: I don’t cause it, I can’t control it, I can’t cure it
  5. Speak to Al-Anon for support
  6. If you’re still remembering the good times before the alcoholism, fine - don’t write off taking him back. But - see 4 and 5. He needs to get sober before you can

It’s desperately sad to walk away from the person you loved, but he isn’t there person any more. Protect yourself, and your children, from his addiction.

RedZin · 02/04/2021 21:30

Unfortunately this is bigger than rent. He's an addict and my guess would be that he needs his space because it's getting too difficult to hide the extent of it. Sorry OP, it's horrible but be prepared for more to come out.

Your main decision is whether you love him and want to see if you can turn it around together, or whether it's too much and you want to walk away.

The gambling and drinking may be symptoms of the depression, or it may be the other way around. He needs help to get to the bottom of it. All of these things can completely change someone's personality, so please understand that the person he was may still be in there. Equally, you don't need to support him if you don't want to.

Please encourage him to go to gamblers anonymous, and you can speak to Gamanon. Encourage him to look at an IVA or similar to consolidate debts. It's a long road but if deep down he wants to get out of this he can, but understand that you cannot force him.

People calling him deadbeat aren't helpful. It may seem like that in the surface but his self worth will be through the floor. You don't deserve this, but his mental health isn't allowing him to be the person he should be.

Cocomarine · 02/04/2021 21:34

@RedZin I see your point about his mental health and not calling him a deadbeat.

But honestly, don’t we hear this time and again about men with mental health / addiction issues fucking off and leaving their kids, and really not so much about mothers? Somehow, they stay and look after their children. I’m sure in many cases not very well. But they stay.

So yes, having an addiction doesn’t mean you’re a deadbeat. But I don’t think we can rule out that you can be an addict and a deadbeat.

Overtherainbow12 · 02/04/2021 21:38

I don't know where you are but you could contact your local council and see if they are able to help your with temporary and then possible permanent tenancy on your own? Although he says he's coming back you need to start planning and setting up a stable future for you and your kids without him, then when he wants back you can make a decision and not have to just accept him back for financial reasons. Contact universal credit ASAP to tell change of circumstances. If he's been claiming in his name he'll have had to tell them he's moved address and no longer living with the children so should not be getting the child element. Get a claim in on your own, request the highest advance you can so you start to get money in sooner. Make sure child benefit is to you and if your children are school age then free school meals and any other payments. If in Scotland things like best start grants and child payment.

AcornAutumn · 02/04/2021 21:41

@TheABC

He has left you. Sorry, but the "three months" thing is a red herring. I recommend getting a claim in your name, talking to the landlord about the lease and planning a single future. If he has already got one CCJ, it's not going to get any better.

I appreciate this is not what you want to hear, but get advice to ensure his debts don't drag you down.

Sorry, this is what I think too.
ParadiseIsland · 02/04/2021 21:41

If in his eyes you are not separated, he should pay the same than before.
Your financial agreement hasn’t dissolved because he wants a break.
Esp not when it involves you studying and therefore not earning.

Plus lease is at his name...

If he thinks you are separated, then treat it as such, incl CM, claiming UC and giving him the dcs EOW

Mydogmylife · 02/04/2021 21:43

He's left hasn't he? I doubt very much you'll see him after 3 months - and where on earth did he get 3 months rent from? I'd check who he's rooming with .

RedZin · 02/04/2021 21:46

@Cocomarine yeah fair point. I don't know the full history. I was also trying to say that even if he isn't a deadbeat, she doesn't need to feel bad if she wants to walk away. An addict is very difficult to deal with, and no one should feel obligated to go through it.

I've got personal experience and we came out the other side. I just wanted to say that the behaviours on the surface when someone is struggling with mental health or addiction don't always reflect them as a person. From my experience confiding in people who had no experience of it left them with only one opinion, deadbeat - because truthfully their actions do sound horrendous. I knew that wasn't who he really was.

Cocomarine · 02/04/2021 21:52

@RedZin it’s a terrible disease, and I do agree with you. My point 6 to OP above even included the possibility of taking him back. WHEN HE’S SOBER! (though it gambling too 😕)

Right now though, I think she needs to act the same way whether he’s ill or a deadbeat - i.e. go it alone. It sounds long overdue.

Babyroobs · 02/04/2021 21:54

I guess you change your Uc claim to a single claim and then if he moves back you'll have to make it joint again.

AcornAutumn · 02/04/2021 21:55

OP i'd also be concerned if he has debts and if there's a risk of bailiffs turning up. Sorry but you need legal advice.

Longdistance · 02/04/2021 21:59

@Yolo89 dint pay any rent. Let them know where he’s living now so the debts can follow him. Your studies will be over soon. Make sure you put a claim in for everything UC, Ct single person, CB etc.
In the mean time scout out new housing as an eviction will be inevitable.
Speak with a solicitor wrt a divorce. I’m very sorry, but he is not coming back.

MissPots · 02/04/2021 22:00

OP you need to plan as if he isn't coming back because he isn't. If he was leaving to sort his mental health he wouldn't have given you a deadline.

He's an addict he's used to lying.

As his name is on the tenancy he should be paying the whole rent. He won't.

Please look for somewhere else to live, you don't want to be involved in this mess and claim UC as a single person.

Undisclosedlocation · 02/04/2021 22:11

The one question I haven’t seen asked yet.......

Do you actually WANT this loser to move back in?

Cherrysoup · 02/04/2021 22:12

Legally, he pays all the rent as you aren’t on the tenancy. That’s the law, plain and simple. Morally, he should also pay all of it as you were a SAHM and are now studying, so have allowed him to go to work by looking after his children.

Candyfloss99 · 02/04/2021 22:18

You can't possibly let him back after 3 months. If the tenancy is in his name you move out too and get your own house. You'll need to do this sooner or later anyway.

Cocomarine · 02/04/2021 22:27

@Undisclosedlocation

The one question I haven’t seen asked yet.......

Do you actually WANT this loser to move back in?

Nobody has asked it, because her posts show that she thinks it’s a fait accompli 🤷🏻‍♀️
nimbuscloud · 02/04/2021 22:37

He moved out last June as well.
What age are your children? This must be hugely difficult for them.

BattlestarGelato · 02/04/2021 22:46

Lack of responsibility to money isn't his problem. Lack of responsibility to his family is.

You have no responsibility to pay the rent. If he can't pay it, you'll be evicted but that will take time.

Start looking for your own place now. Take out the lease in your name only. If you think this relationship has a future, tell him he can move back in to your new place in 3 months if he pays half the rent in advance (don't put him on the lease).

It's okay to need help. It's not okay to screw your family over.