SAHM - does that mean I have to do pretty much everything?

[squishmittens]

I am a SAHM - we have a 4 year old in reception and a 2 year old at home full time. DH works from home full time. His regular chores are:

Putting out the wheelie bins (not taking the rubbish from inside bin to outside, just putting the wheelie bins on the curb once a week).

Walking and feeding the dog twice a day (he likes this - I'm basically not allowed to walk the dog as this is his time for fresh air).

Mowing the lawn

Any adhoc diy job/repair as absolutely necessary (e.g. fixing broken oven, washing machine, so stuff we can't live without - maintenance work that can wait is never done).

Puts one child to bed (we each take one child and swap each night)

He very occasionally loads/unloads the dishwasher and hoovers the lounge - maybe once or twice a month.

I do literally every other home and child related activity. I'm fed up of all of it. I think my DH should do more, he obviously doesn't and now I feel like a maid. I'm thinking of going back to work and paying for nursery/cleaner/after school clubs etc. otherwise I feel like I'm going to lose it. AIBU?

I feel like your resentment will continue to build. I back to work and split the housework evenly. And if you want to take the dog out for a walk don’t let him stop you!

Sorry that should say go back to work*

Definitely go back to work, that should be the answer, provided you make sure he pulls his weight. Never get into a situation, where you both think he's helping you.

Yes go back to work. Then everything can be split. (In theory at least - we both work full time and I still do more of the wife work).

I think SAHM should do most things, yes, but like you I personally would have no desire to do so/be one and would go back to work instead.

When DH and I discussed if one of us was going to be a SAHP (for transparency, we shared parental leave, decided against having a SAHP and both went part time), we felt that the lion's share during the day would fall to the SAHP, but they weren't there to be a housekeeper.
For us, the person at home should be generally keeping on top of the house and being with DC, but anything outside of that was shared.
E.g SAHP would probably do the bathrooms, keep the place tidy-ish, clean up after breakfast and lunch, but all evening responsibilities such as dinner, bath time, bed time, cleaning up the kitchen after dinner, weekend type chores would be shared.

Got to be honest, I kind of thought that was the trade-off for being a SAHP but as others have said I wouldn't fancy that so we both work and have childcare instead (luckily DD loves it and we are both in jobs that mean it is financially sensible to pay for childcare during office hours rather than do it ourselves).

What would you like him to pick up- more of the children stuff, or say, the cooking? You might get more joy if you can identify a specific thing to ask him for more help with (you might not, I appreciate that, but could be worth a try).

Yeah, he needs to be doing much more to pull his weight. Today DP has emptied the bins, emptied and reloaded the dishwasher, folded a load of laundry, put another load out to dry and another load on to wash, swept up and cleaned the surfaces in the kitchen, popped out to the shop for some bits and cooked us all lunch. He did not have to be instructed, hinted at or nagged to do any of this, this is totally normal behaviour and he deserves no praise for it either. It is part of being an adult and looking after yourself and your family.

Being a SAHP probably does mean shouldering more of the burden for the domestic tasks but not to the extent that your partner is doing next to nothing in that regard.

OP I have to say it would probably be a bit different if both the kids were at school, but with a toddler/preschooler you are looking after, entertaining and educating that child during the day.

If I go back to work DH will definitely not do half of the chores - he would probably do half of the cooking and a bit more dishwasher/vacuuming and his share of bathing the kids but that's it. At the moment I get up with the kids every morning and he lies in, so I would hope he'd start getting up earlier (who knows). He has never done more than that and thinking that he'll start now is wishful thinking.

If I work it would be on the condition that we have a cleaner twice a week and childcare until 4pm every day for both children. When I worked before I always ended up taking the sick days/snow days/inset days. He would need to share these 50/50 this time.

A cleaner twice a week seems excessive.
When I was a SAHM I did everything except yard work and the garbage.

I don't think the current split is fair because my day starts at 6am and continues until 9pm, when I sit down to eat and watch tv. My toddler doesn't nap and I pick up my 4 year old at 3pm, so there is no point during the day when I am alone. Both kids get up at least once each in the night and the 4 year old sleeps on my side of the bed every night, so I haven't had a full nights sleep in nearly 5 years.

DH gets up at 8:00am - straight out the door to walk the dog and then to work in his garden office. He comes back at 6pm, walks the dog and then sits down for the evening.

I just find my life utterly relentless and I'm starting to resent the difference.

When do they go to bed? 6 am is an early wake up. .
Also I would work on the 4 yo in their own bed if you are unable to cosleep comfortably. You need a good sleep.

Definitely go back to work, even if your whole salary ends up being spent on cleaner and childcare. It would work best for everyone and allow you to keep current with work

Bedtime is 8pm. The 4 year old is very anxious and has never slept well. The 2 year old is an early riser. 6am is actually amazing - it was 4:30am for quite sometime which nearly did me in (hence the later bedtime now). 4 year old often doesn't get off to sleep until 8:30-8:45pm and we have to sit with him until he's asleep.

That sounds completely rubbish, especially on a broken night. Have you raised it with DH? What does he say? I'd have an issue with the evenings and would also bagsy the morning dog walk! Also, are you getting less sleep and getting up 2 hours earlier than him? If so, that is very unfair.

Don’t blame you for not liking this. Yes, I think SAHMs should generally do most of the housework, but if you don’t like it then there’s nothing wrong with that. If I had a SAHM partner I’d resent being asked to do half the housework, so I see it from his perspective too. Sounds like going back to work but making 100% clear to him that home duties will now be 50/50 is the way forward.

I don't think I'd rush into a return to work until I'd got to the bottom of why DH thinks it's OK to be this hands-off, for fear I'd end up working and still doing all the other stuff.

I'm thinking of going back to work and paying for nursery/cleaner/after school clubs etc. otherwise I feel like I'm going to lose it.

There. You solved the problem. Go for it.

If he wouldn't do his share when you went back to work... when you ask him why everything else is your job not his, what is his anwer?

Just book a cleaner anyway (twice a week) and take the kids out more?

Lockdown will have made everything harder, but kids activities will open soon and life will get more normal. So you’re not bored, just have friends over or go to theirs ? Or meet up at a park or soft play or whatever? While you’re out, this is when the cleaner comes in. Then you come on to an organised home and the kids are tired. Eat out more ad well as it’s less mess and drudgery - just take sandwiches, kids don’t eat much anyway. If it’s still to much, is there a local student who could look after them for a few hours one or two morning / afternoon and then just go out or go to bed? Make that designated you time. Nobody will do it for you so do it yourself.

I’m sure I’ll be told “we’re not all
made of money,” but this is still cheaper than childcare and it won’t be like this forever. Just get help in now because yours obviously resentful. Don’t discuss it, just book it. Do what you need to do.if he comments, tell him it’s either that or your mental health, Once they’re in school, you can reassess. He won’t change, therefore make the changes YOU need.

The bedtime thing is not fair IMO, you've both had busy days and should both be able to sit down at the same time in the evening, or take it in turns, not him putting his feet up while you continue to run around. It’s not reasonable that his day ends 3 hours before yours every day.

I'm in a similar situation to you op (swap the 2yr old for a Sen older child) and I know where you are coming from. I do actually think dh working at home has exaggerated this situation as I am now clearing up from essentially his work day as well as the home/kids.

The way I look at it is that sahp is taking on 'daycare' duties, not housemaid! Therefore anything the kids need between say 8am and 6pm is down to sahp. In this I include breakfast/lunch/snacks, washing, school stuff etc. Clearing up the daytime mess.

In addition to this you each have your individual chores - our own clothes washing, your own food, your share of house cleaning, gardening etc. This is where the bargaining starts depending on what the kids need during the day- which will of course vary with age etc.

So as an example if my kids are both in school I might do the washing. At which point I will do everyone's washing as this seems fair. However if I am washing at the weekend then I would expect dh to contribute to the chores for the equivalent time in order to include his washing in the loads. That sounds picky and in reality I haven't ever not included his washing but it shows the point.

It is about equal downtime.

He needs to start doing some nights - if he has a job where he cant be tired then keep it to Friday and Saturday nights. Otherwise night wakings should be split and getting up early. Me and dh are very possessive over weekend lie in. One of us gets sat and one gets sun.

So, my husband does a similar amount to your dog but I mow the lawn and he looks cooking so does that about a quarter of the time. I'm probably a bad mum but try to get the cleaning done after lunch while my daughter has quiet time. She is just over three now and my eldest is at school. So our evenings both start at 8pm once the kids succumb to sleep. They're shocking sleepers so both me and my OH have to get up during the night. He does the slightly easier five year old (only up once a night usually). I do the slightly more disruptive three year old and get up two times then usually give up and take her into our bed. I've sort of accepted I do the housework, shopping, cooking etc as I'm not working but I do have pangs of missing work and feel a bit wasted (I have a scientific PhD). It's hard accepting I'm a glorified housekeeper now.